COMMUNICATION CLIMATE Relationships = Weather fair & warm stormy & cold polluted clear & healthy Key to Positive Relationships

What are the features of satisfying personal relationships? Investment Commitment Trust Self-disclosure Comfort with Relational Dialectics Autonomy/Connection Novelty/Prediction Openness/Closedness

Negotiating Dialectical Tensions Four Ways: Neutralization-negotiate a balance b/t needs Selection-give priority to one over the other Separation-assign each to other spheres of interaction Reframing-redefine contradictory needs not in opposition

What makes communication climates positive or negative? The degree to which people feel valued by one another Confirming Communication=messages conveying value Disconfirming Communication=messages conveying lack of regard

Levels of Message Confirm & Disconfirm Disagree Confirm Impervious   Disagree Confirm Impervious Aggressive Interrupt Complain Irrelevant Argumentative Tangential Recognize Impersonal Acknow-ledge Ambiguous Endorse Incongruous Least Value Most Value

Disconfirming Messages-7 types Impervious: no acknowledgement of other’s message Interrupting: speak before other finishes Irrelevant: comment unrelated to what other just said Tangential: “take-away”-shift to different topic Impersonal: cliché Ambiguous: more than one meaning Incongruous: contradicting messages

Disagreeing Messages- “You’re wrong” Aggressive: most destructive, attacks other’s self-concept-name calling, put-downs, sarcasm, taunting, yelling, badgering Complaining: desire to note dissatisfaction/not argue Argumentativeness: defending while attacking

Confirming Messages Recognition: most fundamental-return hellos, return an email or phone message Acknowledgment: interested in ideas & feelings of others-stronger form of confirm-Listening most common-asking questions, paraphrasing, reflecting Endorsement: agreeing with other/find other’s ideas important, communicating the highest form of valuing-also, praising & complimenting

Defensiveness-Face-Threatening Distorting Critical Information Rationalization Compensation Regression Avoiding Dissonant Information Physical avoidance Repression Apathy Displacement

Gibb’s Categories-Useful Tools Evaluation vs Description Judgments, “you” language vs description of behavior using “I” language -You don’t know what you’re talking about! vs -I don’t understand how you came up with that idea. -Those jokes are disgusting! -When you tell those off-color jokes, I get really embarrassed.

More Gibb Control vs Problem-Orientation Imposing a solution with little regard of other vs Finding a solution that satisfies both There’s only one way to handle this problem… vs Looks like we have a problem. Let’s work out a solution we can both live with.

More Gibb Strategy vs Spontaneity Hiding ulterior motives vs being honest w/o manipulation Tom and Judy go out to dinner every week. vs I’d like to go out to dinner more often.

More Gibb Neutrality vs Empathy Indifference vs accepting/putting self in other’s place That’s what happens when you don’t plan properly. vs Ouch—looks like this didn’t turn out the way you expected.

More Gibb Superiority vs Equality I am better than you messages vs others have worth You don’t know what you’re talking about. vs I see it a different way.

More Gibb Certainty vs Provisionalism Dogmatism, I’m right vs changeable/reasonable That will never work. vs I think you’ll run into problems with that approach.

Saving Face ASSERTIVE MESSAGE FORMAT Behavioral description-should be objective-just the facts “Chris has acted differently over the last week. I cannot remember her laughing once since the dinner party. She hasn’t dropped by my place like she usually does, hasn’t suggested we play tennis and has not returned by phone calls.” Interpretation-meaning you have attached to behavior “Something must be bothering Chris. It’s probably her family. She’ll probably just feel worse if I keep pestering her.” “Chris is probably mad at me. It’s probably because I kidded her about losing so often at tennis. I’d better leave her alone until she cools off.”

More Assertive Message Format Feeling statement-this adds a new dimension to message “When you laugh at me, I think you find my comments foolish, and I feel embarrassed.” Remember not to use counterfeit phrasing-I feel you’re wrong or I feel like leaving… Intention statement-where you stand, requests and future action “When I didn’t hear from you last night, I thought you were mad at me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since, and I’m still worried. I’d like to know whether your are angry.”

Responding Non-Defensively to Criticism Seek more information Ask for specifics Guess about specifics Paraphrase Ask what the critic wants Agree with the critic Agree with the facts Agree with the critic’s perception

Four Guidelines for creating healthy climates Actively build confirming climates Accept & confirm others Affirm & assert yourself Respect diversity in relationships

Using Descriptive Language This paper is poorly done vs This paper does not include relevant background information. How might the following be directed at you? You’re lazy. I hate the way you dominate conversations with me. Stop obsessing about the problem. You’re too involved.

Communicating Assertively I guess your preference for going to the party is more important than my studying. I don’t need your permission to go out. I’ll do what I please. I suppose I could work extra next week if you really need a loan. I don’t like it when you spend time with Tim. Either stop seeing him, or we’re through.