To divorce or to forgive? Or both? Biblical studies and concepts on marriage and divorce

The permission to remarry Mtt. 19:9 - “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." Mtt. 19:9 - “And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery." Implication: if my spouse commits adultery, I have the right to divorce and remarry without committing adultery myself Implication: if my spouse commits adultery, I have the right to divorce and remarry without committing adultery myself The question: SHOULD I divorce? The question: SHOULD I divorce?

The permission to remarry The questions that must be answered: The questions that must be answered: Can I forgive someone and still divorce them? Can I forgive someone and still divorce them? While not committing adultery, am I still violating the marriage bond or oath? While not committing adultery, am I still violating the marriage bond or oath? Does this violate Jesus’ teachings on “turning the other cheek”? Does this violate Jesus’ teachings on “turning the other cheek”? We must first understand forgiveness! We must first understand forgiveness!

What does forgiveness look like? Our model for forgiveness Our model for forgiveness Eph 4:31-5:2 – “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” Eph 4:31-5:2 – “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” We should forgive in the same way, under the same conditions that God forgives us! We should forgive in the same way, under the same conditions that God forgives us!

What does forgiveness look like? The nature of God is to forgive; so should ours be! The nature of God is to forgive; so should ours be! Neh 9:17 – “But You are a God of forgiveness, Gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness;” Neh 9:17 – “But You are a God of forgiveness, Gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness;” Not a “new” development: Lev 4:20-21 – “So the priest shall make atonement for them, and they will be forgiven.” – nine other such statements in Leviticus alone! Not a “new” development: Lev 4:20-21 – “So the priest shall make atonement for them, and they will be forgiven.” – nine other such statements in Leviticus alone!

What does forgiveness look like? Num 14:18-20 – “The Lord is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations.' Pardon, I pray, the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your lovingkindness, just as You also have forgiven this people, from Egypt even until now. So the Lord said, ‘I have pardoned them according to your word;” Num 14:18-20 – “The Lord is slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness, forgiving iniquity and transgression; but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generations.' Pardon, I pray, the iniquity of this people according to the greatness of Your lovingkindness, just as You also have forgiven this people, from Egypt even until now. So the Lord said, ‘I have pardoned them according to your word;” How does God distinguish these two aspects? Are they contradictory? How does God distinguish these two aspects? Are they contradictory?

What does forgiveness look like? The key is in the attitude! The key is in the attitude! 1 Kings 8:38-39 – “Whatever prayer or supplication is made by any man or by all Your people Israel, each knowing the affliction of his own heart, and spreading his hands toward this house; then hear in heaven Your dwelling place, and forgive and act and render to each according to all his ways, whose heart You know, for You alone know the hearts of all the sons of men;” 1 Kings 8:38-39 – “Whatever prayer or supplication is made by any man or by all Your people Israel, each knowing the affliction of his own heart, and spreading his hands toward this house; then hear in heaven Your dwelling place, and forgive and act and render to each according to all his ways, whose heart You know, for You alone know the hearts of all the sons of men;” Josh. 24:19-20 – “will not forgive” those who turn their backs – implication: the “unrepentant” Josh. 24:19-20 – “will not forgive” those who turn their backs – implication: the “unrepentant” Joel 2:11-14 – “The day of the Lord is indeed great and very awesome, And who can endure it? Yet even now, declares the Lord, Return to Me with all your heart, And with fasting, weeping and mourning; And rend your heart and not your garments. Now return to the Lord your God, For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness And relenting of evil. Who knows whether He will not turn and relent And leave a blessing behind Him…” God will ALWAYS forgive if we repent! God will ALWAYS forgive if we repent!

What does forgiveness look like? God’s attitude is a willingness to forgive, not begrudging! God’s attitude is a willingness to forgive, not begrudging! “How often would I have gathered you…”, Mtt. 23:37 – contrast to the story of Jonah! “How often would I have gathered you…”, Mtt. 23:37 – contrast to the story of Jonah! Jesus on Calvary: “Forgive them, they know not what they do!” (Fulfilled in Acts 2:38) Jesus on Calvary: “Forgive them, they know not what they do!” (Fulfilled in Acts 2:38) But if I want God’s forgiveness, I must understand WHY He forgives me! Ezek. 16:58-63 But if I want God’s forgiveness, I must understand WHY He forgives me! Ezek. 16:58-63

What does forgiveness look like? One can be forgiven when: One can be forgiven when: When we hear, understand and return to God, Mk. 4:12 When we hear, understand and return to God, Mk. 4:12 When we desire greatly to be forgiven When we desire greatly to be forgiven Luke 7:47-48 – “For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.” Luke 7:47-48 – “For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little.” When we acknowledge our sin, not deflect or “accommodate”, I John 1:9-10 When we acknowledge our sin, not deflect or “accommodate”, I John 1:9-10

What does forgiveness look like? When God forgives us, the sin is gone and forgotten! When God forgives us, the sin is gone and forgotten! Col 2:13-14 – “When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” Col 2:13-14 – “When you were dead in your transgressions and the uncircumcision of your flesh, He made you alive together with Him, having forgiven us all our transgressions, having canceled out the certificate of debt consisting of decrees against us, which was hostile to us; and He has taken it out of the way, having nailed it to the cross.” Heb. 8:12 – “For I will be merciful to their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.” Heb. 8:12 – “For I will be merciful to their iniquities, and I will remember their sins no more.”

As God forgives, we forgive others We ought to be ready, eager to forgive, Eph. 4:31-32 We ought to be ready, eager to forgive, Eph. 4:31-32 Forgiveness does not include reminders of past guilt Forgiveness does not include reminders of past guilt We forgive those who want to be forgiven, II Cor. 2:5-8 We forgive those who want to be forgiven, II Cor. 2:5-8 We forgive when one accepts accountability, confesses their sin, James 5:16 We forgive when one accepts accountability, confesses their sin, James 5:16 We forget one who truly repents, Luke 17:3 We forget one who truly repents, Luke 17:3

How can we know hearts? “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts”, Luke 16:15 “You are those who justify yourselves in the sight of men, but God knows your hearts”, Luke 16:15 God reserves the judgment of hearts for Himself – we are not responsible! God reserves the judgment of hearts for Himself – we are not responsible! Luke 17:3-4 – accept repentance “seven times a day” Luke 17:3-4 – accept repentance “seven times a day” “Judge by fruits”, Mtt. 7:16 refers to false teachers “Judge by fruits”, Mtt. 7:16 refers to false teachers Luke 3:8 – “fruits worthy of repentance” directed at those who had refused to change their lives Luke 3:8 – “fruits worthy of repentance” directed at those who had refused to change their lives

Responsibilities to forgive Concern for the soul of the repenter Concern for the soul of the repenter 2 Cor 2:5-8 – “But if any has caused sorrow, he has caused sorrow not to me, but in some degree — in order not to say too much — to all of you. Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was inflicted by the majority, so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him.” 2 Cor 2:5-8 – “But if any has caused sorrow, he has caused sorrow not to me, but in some degree — in order not to say too much — to all of you. Sufficient for such a one is this punishment which was inflicted by the majority, so that on the contrary you should rather forgive and comfort him, otherwise such a one might be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. Wherefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him.” V. 7 – that includes third parties! V. 7 – that includes third parties!

Responsibilities to forgive Concern for our own souls Concern for our own souls Matt 18:33-35 – “Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from 1 your heart.” Matt 18:33-35 – “Should you not also have had mercy on your fellow slave, in the same way that I had mercy on you?' And his lord, moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him. My heavenly Father will also do the same to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from 1 your heart.” Mark 11:25-26 – “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.” Mark 11:25-26 – “Whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father who is in heaven will also forgive you your transgressions.”

Forgiveness and divorce Overriding concerns – no different from any other Christian brother or sister! Overriding concerns – no different from any other Christian brother or sister! What is my motive for divorce? What is my motive for divorce? Has the spouse confessed, repented of sin? Has the spouse confessed, repented of sin? Can I truly forgive someone when I refuse to allow them a chance to make amends? Can I truly forgive someone when I refuse to allow them a chance to make amends? Will my refusal to remain married have an impact on the spouse’s soul? Will my refusal to remain married have an impact on the spouse’s soul? Will my refusal to remain married have an impact on my own soul? Will my refusal to remain married have an impact on my own soul? Matt. 19 absolves of adultery, says nothing about forgiveness Matt. 19 absolves of adultery, says nothing about forgiveness

Remembering truths on marriage Applying what we ’ ve learned Applying what we ’ ve learned Marriage was instituted from creation for all men and women Marriage was instituted from creation for all men and women A bond initiated by God makes two people one until either death or the bond is removed by God A bond initiated by God makes two people one until either death or the bond is removed by God Unlawful sexual acts, infidelity defile a marriage and reflect a disregard for the gift of God Unlawful sexual acts, infidelity defile a marriage and reflect a disregard for the gift of God God hates divorce God hates divorce Question: does God cast away the adulterous Christian who wishes to put aside his sin and return? Question: does God cast away the adulterous Christian who wishes to put aside his sin and return?

Should the marriage be saved? The penitent adulterer The penitent adulterer Adultery defiles marriage, but adultery can be cleansed Adultery defiles marriage, but adultery can be cleansed Can we forgive and yet refuse to take them back? Can we forgive and yet refuse to take them back? Difficulty does not absolve us from God ’ s commandments! Have I “ tried ” as hard as God tried? Difficulty does not absolve us from God ’ s commandments! Have I “ tried ” as hard as God tried? The unrepentent adulterer The unrepentent adulterer “ But it wasn ’ t my fault ” “ But it wasn ’ t my fault ” Judging “ by their fruits ” – an unwillingness to change Judging “ by their fruits ” – an unwillingness to change “ I didn ’ t do anything wrong ” “ I didn ’ t do anything wrong ” The one who simply chooses not to return The one who simply chooses not to return These attitudes don ’ t work with God, how can they work with our spouse? These attitudes don ’ t work with God, how can they work with our spouse?

Should the marriage be saved? Remember Solomon ’ s prayer Remember Solomon ’ s prayer 1 Kings 8:38-39 – “Whatever prayer or supplication is made by any man or by all Your people Israel, each knowing the affliction of his own heart, and spreading his hands toward this house; then hear in heaven Your dwelling place, and forgive and act and render to each according to all his ways, whose heart You know, for You alone know the hearts of all the sons of men;” 1 Kings 8:38-39 – “Whatever prayer or supplication is made by any man or by all Your people Israel, each knowing the affliction of his own heart, and spreading his hands toward this house; then hear in heaven Your dwelling place, and forgive and act and render to each according to all his ways, whose heart You know, for You alone know the hearts of all the sons of men;”