Tower, come in...

An excerpt of the most curious but authentic (!!) radio communications between Jet- Cockpit and Tower-Air Controllers

Tower: ‘To avoid noise, please turn right 45 degrees.‘ Pilot: ‘What noise could we possibly make at ft?‘ Tower: ‘The noise your 707 will make when colliding with the 727 before you!'

Tower: ‘Are you an Airbus 320 or 340?‘ Pilot: ‘An A 340, of course!‘ Tower: ‘Well then, would you please start your other two engines before taxiing to take-off?'

Pilot: ‘Good morning, Bratislava.‘ Tower: ‘Good morning. Please note: This is Vienna.‘ Pilot: ‘I am now on landing approach to Bratislava.‘ Tower: ‘This really is Vienna.‘ Pilot: ‘Vienna?‘ Tower: ‘Yes.‘ Pilot: ‘But why? We wanted to go to Bratislava.‘ Tower: 'Okay. Then abort your landing approach and turn left.'

Tower to a pilot that landed REALLY hard: ‘A landing shouldn’t be a secret. It’s all right for the passengers to know when they’re down.‘ Pilot: ‘That’s okay. They always clap anyway.'

Pilot from an Alitalia flight, who lost half his cockpit instruments when a lightning hit him: ‘We nearly lost everything. Nothing works anymore. Even the altitude indicator doesn’t show anything ‘ After 5 minutes complaining, the voice of another pilot comes over the comm: ‘Oh shut up and die like a man!'

Pilot: There’s a landing light burning.‘ Tower: ‘I hope there are more than that burning.‘ Pilot: ‘I mean, the landing light’s smoking.'

Pilot: ‘We’re running low on fuel. Please advise.‘ Tower: 'What is your position? We don’t have you on our scope.‘ Pilot: ‘We’re standing on runway 2 and are waiting for an eternity for the fuel truck.'

Tower: ‘Do you have any problems?‘ Pilot: ‘I lost my compass.‘ Tower: ‘The way you fly, you lost all the instruments.'

Tower: ‘After landing, go to Taxiway Alpha 7, Alpha 5, Whiskey 2, Delta 1 and Oscar 2.‘ Pilot: ‘Where on earth is that? We don’t know our way around here.‘ Tower: ‘That’s all right. I’m only here for two days myself.'

Pilot: ‘Tower, request take-off clearance.‘ Tower: 'Sorry, we don’t have your flightplan. Where do you want to go?‘ Pilot: ‘Like every Monday, to Salzburg.‘ Tower: ‘But today is Tuesday!‘ Pilot: 'What? Then it’s our day off!'

Pilot: ‘Is there no Follow-me-Car?‘ Tower: 'Negative. Why don’t you get to the gate yourselves.'

Tower: ‘Height and position?‘ Pilot: ‘I am 1.80 m and I’m sitting in the front on the left side.'

Tower to a private plane: ‘How many souls on board?‘ Pilot: 'Pilot, two passengers and a dog.‘ Tower, after a hard landing: ‘I take it the dog did that landing?'

Tower: ‘Do you have enough fuel or not?‘ Pilot: ‘Yes.‘ Tower: ‘Yes, what?‘ Pilot: ‘Yes, Sir!!!'

Tower: ‘Please give us your estimated arrival.‘ Pilot: 'Hmmmm... Tuesday would be nice for me.'