I Messages and You Messages

Working with Others Review We will work with others in any job (some more, some less) Sometimes, we will have conflicts with our co-workers or boss. We can use I-Messages to communicate successfully!

You-Messages “You make me angry because you forgot to do your part of the work!” You Messages: Blame someone else for your feelings Accuses/judges others Make others feel defensive Are not helpful when resolving conflict

I-Messages “I feel frustrated when others don’t do their part of the work. I need help completing the assignments.” I-Messages Include the behavior, feelings, and the effect of the behavior…but without actually mentioning the other person Communicate your needs without directly blaming others Suggest and encourage a solution to the problem

Practice! Turn these You-Messages into I-Messages using your whiteboards You didn’t do your part of the group work. You suck. You sit too close to me and it makes me uncomfortable! You are annoying! Stop talking out in class! You’re the worst partner. You never remember to bring the poster board! You’re always late. That’s so frustrating. You’re the worst friend. You never share your game system. You’re a terrible teacher. You never call on me.

Constructive Criticism If you feel like you need to critique, criticize, or offer suggestions to someone, use these tips: Choose the right time/place Use the compliment sandwich (positive- negative-positive) Concentrate on the issue, not the person Be specific Choose things the person can actually control Example #1: Giving feedback on a person’s dressing style Bad example: “You’re too old-fashioned. You are always wearing granny clothes that make you look so old and boring.” — While probably said with good intentions, this is not exactly constructive criticism. It makes a personal attack and makes it seem like he/she is the problem. Good example: ‘From my recollection, the clothes I’ve seen you wear before tend to be dull in colors and dated relative to current trends. While there is nothing wrong with that, it makes one come across as older in age and disinterested in one’s personal image.” — The situation is detached from the person. Critique is given on the situation itself. Example #2: Giving feedback on a person’s character trait Bad example: “You’re always so negative. It’s so draining to be around you.” — Like Example #1, this feedback makes a personal attack at the person. It also does not tell the person what he/she can do, which makes it unconstructive. Good feedback: “There have been times when I was hurt by the comments you gave as they were somewhat demeaning. For example, the last time I bought my new bag, one of the comments you gave was that it was an ugly bag. That took me by surprise and I was quite sad that day.” Actionable Advice: Say your friend is in a singing competition and she is up for the semi-finals. She asks you to critique her performance. Here, actionable critique would be comments regarding her singing style, her intonation, her inflection, and perhaps even her song choice. Critique that is not actionable would be saying that her voice is too husky/low/high when it is something that cannot be changed. Not only that, such a feedback is also highly subjective. 

Resolving Conflict Working alone or with a partner, fill in the lines on the script I will give you. Follow the rules for I-Messages and Constructive Criticism. You may have a chance to present in front of the class!