Love and Romantic Relationships Chapter 8 Love and Romantic Relationships This multimedia product and its contents are protected under copyright law. The following are prohibited by law: Any public performance or display, including transmission of any image over a network; Preparation of any derivative work, including the extraction, in whole or in part, of any images; Any rental, lease, or lending of the program Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Have you ever had strong feelings for another person and wondered whether or not you were “in love?” What do you look for in a potential long-term partner? Do you think men and women look for different features in a marriage partner? What about a short-term partner? Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Chapter Outline The Defining Features of Love The Goals of Romantic Relationships Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction Establishing Family Bonds Gaining Resources and Social Status Breaking Up (and Staying Together) Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Defining Love and Romantic Attraction The Defining Features of Love Focus on Methods: Uncovering the Different Factors of Love Are There Different Varieties of Love? The Goals of Romantic Relationships Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Defining Features of Love Beverly Fehr asked Canadian students to list as many features of love as they could in 3 minutes. Students’ lists commonly included: Caring Happiness Friendship Warmth Trust Commitment Euphoria Sexualoopassion Heartrateooincreases Etco Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

The long list could be reduced to three essential components: PASSION physiological arousal, longing to be with INTIMACY close bond, sharing, support COMMITMENT willing to define as love, commitment to long term Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love (page 257) Passion Intimacy Decision/ Commitment Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Factor analysis Factor analysis – statistical technique for sorting test items or behaviors into conceptually similar groupings (page 258) Example: Factor analysis was used to group various features of love into passion, intimacy, and commitment. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Are There Different Varieties of Love? Not all types of “love” involve the same mix of passion, intimacy, and commitment. Passionate love – a state of intense longing for union with another Companionate love – affection and tenderness for those whose lives are entwined with our own. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

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Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Did you think about sex even for a moment during the last 5 min? When men and women under the age of twenty-five were asked this question, half of the men and 40% of the women said “Yes.” Among those 26-55: 1 in 4 men and 1 in 7 women said “Yes.” College men and women report several sexual fantasies per day. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Obtaining Sexual Satisfaction Hormones Sociosexual Attitudes Who’s Sexually Attractive? Gender Differences in Sexuality Arousing Settings Cultural Norms about Sexuality Sexual Situations Look Different to Men and Women Cultural Practices May Trick Evolved Mechanisms Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Hormones Injections of testosterone into men with malfunctioning testes increase sexual fantasies; Stopping injections reduces fantasies. Injections of testosterone also increase sexual desire and fantasy in women. Sexual fantasies in teenagers of both sexes are also linked to testosterone. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Sociosexual Attitudes Sociosexual orientation – Individual differences in tendency to prefer either: Unrestricted sex (without the necessity of love) Restricted sex (only in the context of a long-term, loving relationship). Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Who’s Sexually Attractive? Physically attractive individuals have more opportunities for sexual relationships. College students in one study were willing to lie about themselves to win dates with physically attractive partners. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

What is Considered Attractive? High bodily symmetry Women with Low waist-to-hip ratios Lustrous, shiny hair Large eyes and a small nose Men with Masculine features A large jaw and a medium sized nose Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Gender Differences in Sexuality Men and women differ in their criteria for sexual partners But their criteria for long-term partners are very similar. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Students in one series of studies were asked: esearch What is the minimum percentile of intelligence you would accept in considering someone for: A date A sexual partner A one night stand A steady dating partner A marriage partner? Kenrick, Groth, Trost & Sadalla (1993) Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Minimum Intelligence Desired Women desire slightly above average for a single date 50th %ile AVERAGE DATE  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

And want more with increasing commitment %ile DATE SEX STEADY MARRIAGE  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Men have similar criteria for dates SEX STEADY MARRIAGE  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

And for long-term mates. DATE SEX STEADY MARRIAGE  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Men’s criteria are considerably lower for sexual partners DATE SEX STEADY MARRIAGE  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

And the differences are even more pronounced for one-night stands. DATE SEX STEADY MARRIAGE  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

These results suggest females increase selectivity as the probability of pregnancy increases And males are selective for long term relationships where they commit resources But will be less selective if given the opportunity for a low investment reproductive opportunity. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

In one study, students were approached by another student of the opposite sex, who said: “I have been noticing you around campus. I find you very attractive.” This was followed by one of three invitations: “Would you go out with me tonight?” or “Would you come over to my apartment?” or “Would you go to bed with me?”  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Clark and Hatfield esearch Men were even more likely to say “yes” to the sexual invitation. 100 80 60 Percent Saying “Yes” About half of both sexes said “yes” to the date. Not a single woman said “yes” to the sexual invitation. 40 20 Go Out Go to Apt. Go to Bed Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Arousing Settings Settings that increase physiological arousal often fuel feelings of passion. Why? Several theories have been advanced to explain this phenomenon.  Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Two-factor theory According to this theory, feelings of love consist of: General Physiological Arousal + A Label For That Arousal The theory posits that we can confuse the specific cause of our arousal, and we may mistake fear or anxiety for “love.” Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Two-factor theory Consistent with the theory, men report more attraction to attractive women they meet in various arousing situations: Expecting electric shock On a shaky suspension bridge After exercising. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Two-factor theory Some problems with the theory: When asked the cause of their arousal, people expecting shock do not mistakenly attribute it to the attractive woman. Fear causes heterosexual students to report more liking towards people of the same sex (to whom they do not attribute any passionate feelings). Remember danger and emotional support from chapter 7 Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Arousal-facilitation theory According to this theory: It is not necessary to assume people make mistakes about the causes of their arousal. Arousal is simply a burst of energy that adds fuel to whatever fire is burning. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Arousal-facilitation theory If you go for a run after drinking coffee, you’ll run faster. If you normally approach an attractive person or likable person, you’ll approach more enthusiastically if you are aroused. You’re still energized even if you know your arousal came from a cup of coffee or a threat of electric shock. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Arousing Settings Obstacles to a love affair can produce arousal, which can sometimes fan the flames of love. What do we desire most? Sometimes it is what we think we may not be able to have. Why buy the cow when the milk is free? Periods of forced separation. Playing “hard to get”. Jealousy over another possible lover. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Cultural Norms About Sexuality Cultures vary in acceptance of premarital sex, extramarital sex, and appropriateness of sex without love. Americans, on average, Begin kissing at around age 14 or 15 Begin having intercourse around age 17. Japanese begin kissing at around age 20. Have intercourse at age 22 or 23. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Sexual Situations Look Different to Men and Women Compared to women, men perceive more sexuality in an interaction between a man and a woman. This is true whether they are participants or observers. However, men see interactions involving their sister as Platonic. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Nonverbal cues Monica Moore observed women in singles’ bars and more neutral settings. Women in singles bars used a number of nonverbal gestures that appeared to initiate interactions with men, including: Head tosses Hair flips Eyebrow flashes Smiles. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

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Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Cultural Practices May Trick Evolved Mechanisms People are usually attracted to opposite sex neighbors (often marrying the girl or guy next door); “proximity-attraction principle”. Children from kibbutz groups, however, did not show sexual attraction towards those raised in the same household. Why? Page 268 Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Establishing Family Bonds Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Establishing Family Bonds Passionate sexual attraction fades with time. But feelings of intimacy and commitment increase with time. The loss of a spouse is one of the most stressful of life events. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

The Importance of Attachment Need to belong – the human need to form and maintain strong, stable interpersonal relationships The same feeling that keeps a romantic couple bonded may be what keeps them attached to their children. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

The Importance of Attachment Three-stage pattern of separation distress – reaction sequence shown by infants or adults when separated from those to whom they are intimately attached Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

The Three-stage Pattern of Separation Distress attempts to re- establish contact PROTEST inactivity and helplessness DESPAIR lack of concern and coolness towards parent or lover DETACHMENT Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Secure Base Secure base – comfort provided by attachment figure A secure base allows the person to venture forth more confidently to explore the environment. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Bringing the male into the bond A bond between mother and offspring is found in all mammals (who nurse and care for the young). In 95% of mammalian species the male does not contribute to offspring care. Humans are one of the rare exceptions. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Establishing Family Bonds Attachment Style Exchange/Communal Orientation Threats Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors Relationships Change Our Personalities Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Attachment Styles SECURE ANXIOUS/ AMBIVALENT AVOIDANT Attachments marked by trust that the other will continue to provide love and support SECURE ANXIOUS/ AMBIVALENT Fear of abandonment; feeling that one’s needs are not being met Defensive detachment from the other AVOIDANT Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Exchange/Communal Orientation Those who adopt an “exchange” orientation calculate costs and benefits in relationships. Those who adopt a “communal” orientation pay more attention to partner’s needs. Those with an exchange orientation are less satisfied with marriages. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Threats Situations that trigger fear, anxiety, or insecurity intensify attachments. Threats to the relationship particularly enhance the motivation to bond more closely. Exceptions? Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Obsessive Relationships and Unrequited Love Erotomania – a disorder involving the fixed (but incorrect) belief that one is loved by another, which persists in the face of strong evidence to the contrary Obsessive relationships may stem from inappropriate activation of normal attachment bonds. Erotophobia – fear of intimacy Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors Imagine you discover that the person with whom you’ve been seriously involved has become interested in someone else. What would distress you more? Imagining your partner falling in love and forming a deep emotional attachment to that person. Imagining your partner having sexual intercourse with that person. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Jealousy and Same-Sex Competitors The majority of men reported more distress to the sexual infidelity. About 80 percent of the women were more distressed over emotional attachment. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Relationships Change Our Personalities Long term relationships cause people to Change attachment styles Overestimate their similarities to their partner Change their attitudes to fit with those of their partner. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Gaining Resources and Social Status Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Gaining Resources and Social Status In many animal species, females choose males who have managed to defend the most valuable territories. Among humans, power and status bring access to material rewards. Men with power and status have an easier time attracting mates. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Gaining Resources and Social Status Gender and Sexual Orientation Culture, Resources, and Polygamy Increasing Levels of Involvement When Dominance Matters Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Women’s Preference for Status Women prefer a well-dressed unattractive man to a good-looking man in a Burger King outfit. Opposite for men judging women (Townsend & Levy, 1990). Across societies women place more emphasis on a potential mate’s income and status (Buss, 1990). Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Men’s Preference for Reproductive Resources Older men are attracted to relatively younger women (Kenrick & Keefe, 1992). Younger men are attracted to relatively older women (Kenrick et al., 1996). Why?????? This same pattern is found across societies and historical periods. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE Phoenix Singles Ads Singles’ ads by young men show no preference for younger partners Oldest preferred Youngest preferred 20 20 But older men prefer partners younger than themselves 10 10 DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE Women of all ages ask for men around their own age or older -10 -10 -20 -20 10s 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s 10s 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s MALE'S AGE FEMALE'S AGE  Kenrick & Keefe, Behavioral & Brain Sciences, (1992). Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Marriages show a similar pattern Phoenix Singles Ads Oldest preferred Youngest preferred 20 20 10 10 DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE Marriages show a similar pattern -10 -10 -20 -20 10s 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s 10s 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s MALE'S AGE FEMALE'S AGE  Kenrick & Keefe, Behavioral & Brain Sciences, (1992). Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE Phoenix Singles Ads The same pattern was found on a remote island in the Philippines early in the century Oldest preferred Youngest preferred 20 PORO - 1913 - 1929 10 DIFFERENCE FROM TARGET'S AGE -10 -20 10s 20s 30s 40s >50 10s 20s 30s 40s >50 MALE'S AGE FEMALE'S AGE The same pattern has also now been found in Africa, Brazil, Japan, and numerous other societies Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Are Homosexuals Different? Homosexual men are like heterosexual men in their Age preferences Emphasis on physical attractiveness De-emphasis of status. Homosexual women? This suggests mate preferences aren’t a simple “one-switch” mechanism. Page 277-8 Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

What Happens When Women Gain Status and Resources? In societies where women have little wealth in power, the desire for wealth in a man is greater than in societies where women are relatively better off. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Culture, Resources, and Polygamy Monogamy – marital custom in which one man marries one woman Polygamy – marriage involving more than one partner, includes polyandry and polygyny Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Culture, Resources, and Polygamy Polyandry – one woman weds more than one husband. Polygyny – one man weds more than one wife. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Culture, Resources, and Polygamy Polyandrous woman’s multiple husbands are usually brothers who share limited resources. Extreme polygyny (e.g., harems) involves: Steep social hierarchy Great wealth in some families Possibility of starvation for others. Page 280 Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Social Exchange In Committed Relationships Equity rule – each person’s benefits and costs in a social relationship should match the other’s benefits and costs Relationships characterized by very positive feelings follow a need- based rule. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

When Dominance Matters Although women are initially attracted to sex-typed dominant males, over time less sex-typed men are easier to get along with (Ickes, 1993). To be attractive to a woman, dominance must be accompanied by agreeableness (Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995). Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

When Dominance Matters esearch Women in one study read about a man who was either Dominant or Non-dominant And either Agreeable or Disagreeable. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995 esearch Nondominant Dominant 9 Desirability as a Date 7 5 3 1 Disagreeable Agreeable When the man was disagreeable, women found him undesirable as a date, regardless of whether he was dominant or nondominant. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

When he was agreeable, women found him desirable as a date Jensen-Campbell, Graziano, & West, 1995 esearch Nondominant Dominant 9 Desirability as a Date 7 5 3 1 Disagreeable Agreeable When he was agreeable, women found him desirable as a date And his desirability was enhanced if he was also dominant. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Who’s on Top? In a “Dating Game” experiment, unrestricted men used more direct competitive tactics (Simpson et al., 1999). Men’s self-rated marriage potential drops after seeing socially dominant men. Women’s drops after seeing physically attractive women (Gutierres et al., 1999). Page 282 Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Breaking Up (and Staying Together) Some People Are Better at Getting Along Some Situations Pull Couples Apart It Takes Two to Tango Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Some People Are Better at Getting Along People in unstable relationships tend to be Unconventional and extraverted Prone to negative moods. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Some Situations Pull Couples Apart Economic problems often stress marriages. When there is surplus of women to men, men are less likely to commit to marriage. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

It Takes Two to Tango Low self esteem in one partner can cause that person to become cold and distant, making the relationship more costly for their partners. People in stable relationships judge models in magazines as less attractive. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Factors That Facilitate Workplace Romance, and Which May Create Stress in Current Relationships Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Studying Healthy Communication to Save Marriages Markman and colleagues videotaped happy couples and unhappy couples as they discussed problems. Unhappy couples responded to conflict with “zingers” – negative statements about their partners. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication The researchers developed a premarital training program in effective communication. Some of the helpful rules included: 1. Positive framing: Say “I’d enjoy playing tennis” NOT “I don’t want to go hang out with your boring friends again!” Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication 2. Express appreciation: Say “Thanks for doing the dishes” vs. “You missed one!” Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication 3. Avoid silent treatment: Say something when arriving, leaving, or going to bed. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication 4. Don’t be a “psychopest.” Don’t analyze your partner’s behavior as a guise for being a critic. “Hmm, that’s just like your mother’s behavior.” Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication 5. Speak for yourself, not your partner. Don’t say “I know YOU’D enjoy a movie” say “I’d really enjoy a movie.” Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication 6. Say it directly. Don’t say “do you want to eat out?” when you’re thinking “I’m dying to eat Mexican food.” Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005

Rules of Effective Communication 7. Nothing nice to say? Then keep quiet. Copyright © Allyn and Bacon 2005