ACT With Love Russ Harris ACT World Conference July 2009 www.act-with-love.com

The Aim Of ACT Cultivate Psychological Flexibility: Be Present Open Up Do What Matters

The Essence Of ACT ACT= LOVE Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging

ACT In A Nutshell The Present Moment Be Here Now Acceptance Values Open Up Values Know What Matters Psychological Flexibility Be present, Open up Do what matters Defusion Watch Your Thinking Committed Action Do What It Takes Self-as-context Pure Awareness

Psychological Flexibility Be Present Contact With the Present Moment Self-as-Context Psychological Flexibility Defusion Committed Action Values Do What Matters Open Up Acceptance

2 Nifty Acronyms How to DRAIN the vitality from a relationship: Disconnection Reactivity Avoidance Inside-your-mind Neglecting values

2 Nifty Acronyms How to increase the vitality in a relationship: Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging

Taking A History What’s the problem? -Can you tell me about a recent event that represents the main issue(s)? -What have you tried so far to fix this? How did it work? What has it cost?

Taking A History Relationship history: how did you meet, what attracted you, wedding day etc. What do you appreciate in your relationship & your partner, currently? What did you appreciate in your relationship & your partner back then?

Taking A History On a scale of 1-10, how much work are you willing to do to improve the relationship?

Stay or leave? Assess pros & cons of each Have you given it your best shot? Whichever option you choose, you’ll need to make room for anxiety, doubt, worry etc Sitting on the fence metaphor Live by your values, whether you stay or leave

Taking A History Validate each partner’s pain Facilitate compassion: What does it feel like for you when he/she does that? Model factual description versus judgment & criticism ‘Differences versus defects’ (Jacobson, ICBT) Draw out values wherever possible

Acceptance & Change Each partner typically starts from this: You need to change … …but accept me as I am! How does it feel to be looked at as a ‘problem’? Think of everything that’s wrong with your partner. Now imagine someone saying this to you!

6 Things Each Partner Can Do Stop acting in ways that make it worse Clarify and act on your values: be more like the partner you ideally want to be Accept what is out of your control Notice & reward behavior you like Facilitate change via effective negotiation & communication skills Create rituals to cultivate affection, warmth, fun, sensuality, sexuality, intimacy etc.

6 Things Each Partner Can Do The best outcome is likely if both partners do these things. No two partners will do these things to the same extent. Most approaches focus heavily on 4,5 & 6 (trying to influence your partner’s behavior) In ACT, we focus first and foremost on 1,2 & 3 Why?

6 Things Each Partner Can Do 1,2 & 3 are more empowering; you can apply them regardless of what your partner does. The Paradox: If you live by your values, stop trying to change your partner, and instead practice acceptance … often your partner will make positive changes spontaneously!

Taking A History What sort of partner do you want to be? What sort of relationship do you want to build? Magic wand Visualize: self as ideal partner vs self as reactive partner – reflect & share 10 yr anniversary– partner gives a speech Valued living questionnaire Share values

Typical Core Values Connection Caring Contribution

Values to Goals What’s a small step you can take? What’s a little thing you could do?

Values to Goals If your partner actually does that, what difference would it make to you? How will you let them know that?

Values to Goals If client makes positive changes: What was that like for you? What happened to your relationship as a result? What’s another little step you can take?

Values to Goals If client doesn’t make positive changes: What was that like for you? What happened to your relationship as a result? What got in the way?

The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R. Official ACT version: Fusion Evaluation Avoidance Reason-giving

The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R. Alternative version: Fusion Excessive goals Avoidance Remoteness from values

The Antidote to FEAR is DARE Defusion Acceptance Realistic goals Embrace values

Key Issues 4 approaches to any problem situation 1. Leave 2. Stay & Change what can be changed 3. Stay & Accept what can’t be changed & live by your values 4. Stay & Give up & do stuff that makes it worse

Key Issues Behavior change 101: What’s in your control, and what’s not? Carrot versus stick

Key Issues Communication 101: Ask clearly for what you want, (and explain why) Express clearly what you don’t want, (and why) Boundaries & consequences As you do this, be the partner you want to be! Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability

Key Issues Facilitate compassion: openness & vulnerability Create meaningful rituals

Key Issues ACCEPTANCE On a journey of love, you will soon encounter pain Can you make room for both?

Key Issues ACCEPTANCE Observe: Breathe: Allow I notice I’m feeling x I’m having the thought that .. Get present; ground yourself If necessary leave the situation If you do leave the situation, practice mindfulness & acceptance (practice letting go of unhelpful stories)

Key Issues Once grounded, ask yourself What sort of partner do I want to be? What are my values here? If I could be that ideal partner, I would respond by doing … Then take action, guided by those values Visualize/write/rehearse those responses

Key Issues In other words: Be present, open up & do what matters! This is an act of … Letting go Opening up Valuing Engaging

Key Issues CONFLICT Stop arguments in session Do mindfulness then and there What’s your body doing? Breathe into it. What’s your mind saying? Name it. Always come back to workability: What sort of things do you say & do when this happens? How does that work in the short term? Does it help your relationship in the long term?

Key Issues CONFLICT What judgments does your mind make about him/her? What happens if you buy those judgments? I’m making the judgment that .. Naming the story; putting it on a card

Key Issues CONFLICT Being right versus being loving I’m right; you’re wrong

Key Issues CONFLICT Distinguish values from rules What are your rules? What are your partner’s rules? Where did these rules come from? What happens when you fuse with them?

Key Issues CONFLICT : Defusion of Rigid rules Expect them Notice them Name them

Key Issues CONFLICT Discuss inevitability Increase awareness of triggers Increase acceptance Be wary of simple solutions ! For many issues there is no simple solution: can that be accepted? Learn to discuss difficult issues with mindfulness and compassion

Key Issues CONFLICT ‘Pet arguments’ Name your stories Being right versus being loving ‘But’ vs ‘And’ Anger management if necessary (really conflict management: managing action not emotion!)

Key Issues CONFLICT Repair attempts What’s the tiniest step you could take that might repair some of the damage? Acknowledge & accept repair attempts (John Gottman: 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work) Turn conflict into compassion. How? Vulnerability and openness

Key Issues REFRAMING PROBLEMS How can I grow from this? What can I learn from this? Imagine your partner is a personal trainer or life coach that you have hired to help you grow: what skills can you learn, what strengths can you develop, as a result of your sessions?

Key Issues THE PERFECT PARTNER Do they exist? Do you always act the way you expect yourself to act? The Perfect Partner Story

Key Issues CHANGING BEHAVIOR Willingness to change, versus wanting to change Facilitate willingness through values Distinguish values-driven change from: resentful change/ guilt-induced change/ trying to ‘keep her happy’/ trying to ‘put up with him’

Key Issues CHANGING BEHAVIOR Identify barriers: FEAR Discuss inevitability of ‘relapse’ When your partner screws up, how will you respond? When you screw up, how will you respond?

Key Issues LOVE Distinguish the action of love from the feeling of love Magic wand

Key Issues INTIMACY Be present Share valued activities Practice connection Facilitate acceptance of vulnerability/anxiety Applies to psychological, emotional and physical intimacy ‘Eyes on’

Key Issues SELF-COMPASSION 3 key components (Neff, K.D. 2003) Mindfulness Kindness Commonality COMPASSION FOR YOUR PARTNER Facilitate through cultivating vulnerability & openness

Key Issues FORGIVENESS Give yourself what was there before Do it for yourself Anger & resentment – costs of fusion Respond with mindfulness Not just about ‘letting go’! The aim is to let it come, let it stay and let it go - ‘as it pleases’

Key Issues FORGIVENESS RITUAL Each partner writes:- The thoughts, feelings/ memories I’ve been holding on to are … How holding on has hurt me & our relationship: Commitment to letting all this old stuff come and go without holding on to it Choose a special place, read it out, do something symbolic (eg burn it & scatter the ashes) then do something to connect lovingly

Key Issues TRUST Distinguish the action of trust from the ‘feeling’ of trust (not a true ‘feeling’ as such; more a ‘sense’ – strong cognitive component) No control over ‘feelings’ of trust – only over the actions. Balance values around trust with values around self-protection Mindful trust versus blind trust

Key Issues WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE? Follow all legal obligations & be transparent about it. After that, it is up to the client to decide. The extreme case: domestic violence. You can share your feelings, in a defused, open, accepting, non-judgmental manner - but do not try to enforce your beliefs on the client.

Key Issues WHAT BEHAVIOR IS UNACCEPTABLE? Deal with your own stuff. Focus on building the therapeutic relationship and making a safe space for the client. Help them increase their psychological flexibility. Then let them choose for themselves.