Love and Logic Kathy Utter Kate Wessel

Introduction Love and Logic A strategy used to reduce the reactivity of adults to students by setting firm limits in caring ways without anger, lecture and threats. When students do cause problems, the adults hand the problem back to the student in caring ways that promote thinking. There are no quick fixes in our line of work. No strategy will change the fact that they students we work with are very challenging and often time come from very challenging situations. What this strategy can do is to help us to calm our own reactivity to students which in turn escalates their behavior. I know that often times, when we attend workshops or trainings we think, “Not again.” “What is the new thing this year?” I have felt that too until I thought about how our job is as complicated and challenging as any neurosurgeon or rocket scientist. And I am fairly sure that is I need the services of a neurosurgeon that I would want him to be up on his continuing education. So lets dig into this and figure out what pieces we can use.

Background “Drill Sergeant” approach Tends to activate the Emotional Brain Does not develop thinking skills Insulting to some kids Interferes with free will A.W. Atkinson, MD

Background “Natural Consequences” Rewards, praise, stickers etc. Good but often not sufficient Adding empathy helps to increase the chances of getting the thinking brain going Rewards, praise, stickers etc. Develops expectancy of always getting something Novelty wears off Some kids are immune--don’t care Does not develop thinking skills A.W. Atkinson, MD

Background When we start feeling frustrated, we are entering the Emotional/Reactive Brain Zone. We are giving over our own control. We increase the students’ reactivity. A.W. Atkinson, MD

Background Love and Logic Calms the reactive brain with empathy and delayed consequences Encourages thinking skills with choices and use of problems solving with students One liners help staff to be less reactive A.W. Atkinson, MD

The Rules of Love and Logic Use enforceable limits

The Rules of Love and Logic Provide choices within limits.

The Rules of Love and Logic Apply consequences with empathy.

Enforceable Limits Setting enforceable limits involves telling students how you will be acting and handling situations.

Enforceable Limits The effective application of limits requires that children have implied choices and be forced into thinking mode. This means that we are not telling kids what to do we are telling them what we will do. This is limit setting.

Turn Your Words Into Gold Enforceable Limits Turn Your Words Into Gold “Get your finger out of your nose.” “I will listen to you when your fingers are not in your nose.” “Stop whining.” “I will listen as soon as your voice is as calm as mine.” “You show some respect.” “I will be glad to discuss this when respect is shown” Activity: Have people think of the three directives they most often give students and change them into enforceable limits. Few share with group

Choices Within Limits Give 99% of your choices when things are going well. Make deposits into the “Choices Saving Account” Give choices before the student becomes resistant. For each choice give two options, each of which you like. If your student does not make a timely choice, make the choice for him/her.

Choices Within Limits Delivery is important: You’re welcome to--or-- Feel free to--or-- Would you rather--or-- What would be best for you--or--

Choice Within Limits Assigning math problems Bathroom breaks Free time Homework You are welcome to turn to one or two other people and discuss two of the above four scenarios so that choices within limits are provided.

Choices Within Limits Power Struggles Often times winning a power struggle is more important to a child than making a good decision, particularly if the child feels that he/she does not have much control over things.

Choices Within Limits Take a “Savings Account” approach Make frequent deposits when things are going well. Use phrases such as “That’s your choice,” and “You decide.” When you need to make a withdrawal it is easier because the child sees you sharing control. Use phrases such as, “Don’t I let you make a lot of the choices? Well, this time I need to decide.” “

Choices Within Limits Don’t be afraid to say, “I usually give choices, but not this time.” Never give a choice unless you are willing to let the child experience the consequence of that choice Never give choices when a child is in a dangerous situation Never give choices unless you are willing to make the choice if the child does not Flesh out the ‘Nevers”--when not to give choices

Choices Within Limits Shared Control “We either give control on our terms, or the kids will take it on theirs.” “Do I want to control kids or do I want to obtain their cooperation?” “We need control over our lives. When we don’t get it, we go after control over others.”

Consequences With Empathy The effective teacher administers consequences with empathy and understanding, as apposed to anger and lecture. When adults respond with anger and lectures, children often transform their sorrow into anger with the adult--the lesson may be lost. Tom, seems like you are having trouble working on your assignment. What do you think might happen if you keep talking instead of working? I might get a zero on my assignment. That’s possible. Anything else? You might call my mom. You won’t let me sit next to my friend. That’s another possibility. Tell you what. I ‘ll come back in a couple of minutes. If it seems that you are still having trouble concentrating, I’ll pick one of those suggestions. When we punish students without empathy they do none of the thinking and their anger is focused on us, not at their mistake.

Consequences with Empathy “No behavior technique will have a lasting, positive result if it is not delivered with compassion, empathy, or understanding.” Teaching with Love and Logic

Consequences With Empathy The child is not distracted by the adult’s anger. The child must “own” his or her pain rather than blaming it on the adult. The adult-child relationship is maintained. The child is much less likely to seek revenge. The adult is seen as being able to handle problems without breaking a sweat. The child learns through modeling to use empathy with others.

Consequences With Empathy How to Destroy the Teaching Value of Logical Consequences: Say, “This will teach you a good lesson.” Display anger or disgust Explain the value of the consequence Talk too much Feel sorry and give in Contrive a consequence for the purpose of getting even

Consequences with Empathy Problems with Immediate Consequences: Most of us have great difficulty thinking of one while we are teaching. We “own” the problem rather than handing it back to the student. We do more thinking than the child. We are forced to react while we and the student are upset.

Consequences with Empathy Problems with Immediate Consequences: We don’t have time to anticipate how the student, his/her parents, our administrators, and others will react to our response. We don’t have time to put together a reasonable plan. We often end up making threats we can’t back up.

Consequences with Empathy Problems with Immediate Consequences: We generally fail to deliver a strong dose of empathy before providing the consequence. Every day we live in fear that some student will do something that we won’t know how to handle with an immediate consequence.

Consequences with Empathy “This is sad. I’m going to have to do something about this. But not now, later.” We either say this to the student or in our own head.

Consequences With Empathy Delayed Consequence Consequences do not need to be delivered immediately. Take time to develop a plan. Include the student in the development of the consequence by using the problem solving steps. Examples: When a student is writing on the desk. When a student does not clean up after his lunch.

Consequences with Empathy Problem Solving Steps Empathy: “How sad.” “Bummer.” Send the power message: “What do you think you are going to do?” Offer choices: “”Would you like to hear what other kids have tried.” Have the child state the consequences: “And how would that work for you?” Give permission for the child to either solve or not solve the problem: “Good luck. I hope it works out for you.” Role play with Kevin Broken Globe Scenario

Bonus Features The One Sentence Intervention “I’ve noticed that__________. I’ve noticed that.” Do this twice a week for at least three weeks. Be careful when you choose to do this. Do not embarrass a student and do not do this when they are upset.

Bonus Features Neutralize student arguing Go Brain Dead Choose a one-liner “I respect you too much to argue.” “I bet it feels that way.” “Could be.” Do not attempt to think--Become a broken record. Keep voice soft. As always, pay attention to how escalated the student is.

Bonus Features Love and Logic Classroom Rules I will treat you with respect so you will know how to treat me. Feel free to do anything that does not cause a problem for anyone else. If you cause a problem, I’ll ask you to solve it.

Love and Logic Classroom Rules Continued: Bonus Features Love and Logic Classroom Rules Continued: If you can’t solve the problem or chose not to, I will do something. What I do will depend on the special person and the special circumstances. If you feel something is unfair, whisper to me, “I don’t think that’s fair,” and we will talk.

Teaseproof Your Students Bonus Features Teaseproof Your Students Put on your “cool look” Use a one liner, “Thanks for telling me.” Walk away Share with teacher in private

Resources www.loveandlogic.com Contact Kathy Utter to check out Love and Logic resources such as DVDs, CDs, and books.

Bibliography Teaching with Love and Logic Jim Fay and David Funk Calming the Reactive Brain presentation by A.W. Atkinson, MD