LESSON 9 PARENT AND SURROGATE PARENT AUTHORITIES AND YOUTHS’ DEGREE OF PERFORMANCE Under Construction

3. PERFORMANCE SCALE 1. Far exceeding expectations. An inappropriate overkill in task performance. Excessive, overbearing conformity. 2. Superior work or conformity. 3. Above average performance. 4. Exactly meeting expectations. 5. Average performance, nothing noteworthy nor deserving criticism. 6. Below average, requiring minimal correction or assistance. 7. Inferior performance, excessive delay, requiring intervention and checking up. 8. Total neglect of requirement. 9. Obvious or suspected intentional messing up or sabotage. 10. Open, violent destruction or defiance.

PERFORMAN CE SCALE Describe the situations or occasions in which the responses, or level of performance, listed below are evoked. Describe the persons and their roles involved in these situations. Indicate frequency of occurrence. Add comments that will help clarify what has happened at this stage and why you think it happened that way. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

4. THE PARENT'S REACTION TO THE LEVEL OR DEGREE OF PERFORMANCE OR ACCOMPLISHMENT APPROVAL 1. 'Where do you get ideas like those? This is terrific!! You are the best.' Endless praise and bragging follows. Everyone is told! 2. You know, you are my pride and joy, you are really invaluable to us, really a pleasure to us. That's really wonderful! 3. Well, I see, as usual, you did an excellent job. I want you to know I am very proud of you. You must have put a great deal of effort into this. PASSIVE APPROVAL 4. Yes, that is what I wanted. Thank you. OK, you pass! 5. That's OK. You did fine, but I'm sure you can do better. You know you can do better than that! 6. I can see improvement here. I know you are trying. Let's get together again before you start on this the next time. OK! NEUTRAL 7. I can understand this part, but why did you do that? Its pretty good. Please don't get offended, but this is not really what I had in mind. Would you mind doing this part over? 8. Is this really the best you can do? Did you: hear what I said? understand what I wanted? listen? What happened? Did someone come by and distract you? 9. You really weren't interested or motivated for this were you? What were you thinking about? Did something happen that made you do this the way you did? I know this is not you. Why didn't you just tell me you did not want to do -- were not going to do -- what I asked?

THE PARENT'S REACTION TO THE LEVEL OR DEGREE OF PERFORMANCE OR ACCOMPLISHMENT PASSIVE DISAPPROVAL 10. What makes you think that's what I wanted? You didn't listen to what I asked you to do, did you? You don't really care do you? We've got to make sure we understand what's needed next time, because I really can't have this! 11. Well, that's no more than I expected of you. I guess I have to treat you like (naming a younger age). This is what I all inconsiderateness; irresponsibility. Why don't you grow up! 12. I don't know how you can continue to expect to get away with doing things like that. No one will ever want you around or to work for them. You will never make it in life. You are really taking advantage of me; letting me down. I can't afford this. DISAPPROVAL 13. You call this a finished product? You call this doing what I told you? I don't think I can trust you with anything. You are so stupid, irresponsible, inconsiderate, hateful, etc.! 14. 'Do you realize what you've done? You wasted everything, made people late, you've ruined everything for everyone. You should be kicked out of the house for this. You should be grounded forever for this. I'm making a note of it, I won't forget it, you damn well better show definite improvement next time, and if not, you are really catching hell! I hate you. I wish you had never been born.' 15. What are you trying to do: Make me look bad? Make me ill? Break my heart? Ruin my life? Etc. You really make me sick! what a screw up! Why don't you just get the out of here before I beat the &*%{<$ out of you! I don't want to ever see you again! Oh my *&% get out of my sight before I kill you!

5. PARENT AND CHILD REACTION SCALES PARENT'S INNER PROCESSES 1. What was the parent, or were you as parent, feeling and thinking as you perceived the completed or incomplete task? _________________________________ ________ _________________________________ _________ 2. In addition to the initial parental reaction, what additional thoughts and feelings could have occurred but were left unexpressed? _____________________________ ________ ________________________________ __________ 3. How did the scene end? How did the parent play out their part in the ending? _____________________________ ________ ________________________________ __________ 4. After the scene was over, what kinds of thoughts and feelings might have occurred to the parent later on? _____________________________ ________ ________________________________ __________ 5. What do you anticipate will happen the next time this type of scenario recurs? How do you feel parent and child will interact next time? ________________________________ _________ ________________________________ __________ CHILD'S INNER PROCESSES 1. What was the child or were you, as child, feeling and thinking as a result of the parent’s reaction? _______________________________ _________ _______________________________ _________ 2. How did the child visibly respond to the parent’s reaction to the child’s task performance? What other thought and feelings could have occurred but were left unexpressed? _______________________________ _________ _______________________________ _________ 3. How did the scene end? How did the child play out their part in the ending? _______________________________ _________ _______________________________ _________ 4. After the scene was over, what kind of thoughts and feelings might have occurred to the child later on? _______________________________ _________ _______________________________ _________ 5. What do you anticipate will happen the next time this type of scenario recurs? How do you feel parent and child will interact the next time this situation occurs? _______________________________ _________ _______________________________ _________ ASSUMPTIONS AND/OR SELF OBSERVATIONS ABOUT PARENT’S INNER PROCESSES AND CHILD’S INNER PROCESSES ACCOMPANYING AND FOLLOWING THE FINAL REACTION TO CHILD’S COMPLETED OR INCOMPLETE TASK

PARENTAL AND SOCIETAL APPROACHES TO INCORRECT BEHAVIOR Trend A in parenting and social instittions is legalistic, judgmental, negativistic, expressive of conditional love and evokes superficial conformity but inner fear and alienation toward authority and self rejection and despair. Actual Pattern Ideal Pattern Parental Comparison: Does the actual behavior conform to your Ideal Pattern? Ideal Pattern Parental Comparison : Judging and Finding Match Incorrect Ideal Pattern Parental Response: Criticizing, Rejecting, Condemning, Punishing for Incorrect Match Ideal Pattern Comparison: Child’s Behavior Corrected. Child’s Feeling Reaction: Alienated, Resentful, Self Rejecting, Hostile to Guidance and Correction Actual Corrected Pattern: Conforming Actual Pattern Does NOT Conform. T R E N D A Actual Pattern Ideal Pattern Parental Comparison: Does the actual behavior conform to your Ideal Pattern? Ideal Pattern Comparison : Assessing and Finding Incorrect Match Ideal Pattern Parental Response: Forgiving, Understandin g, Correcting Ideal Pattern Comparison: Child’s Behavior Corrected. Child’s Feeling Reaction: Corrected, Happy, Bonded, Self Accepting, Open to Guidance and Correction in the Future. Actual Corrected Pattern: Conforming Actual Pattern Does NOT Conform Actual Pattern Does NOT Conform. T R E N D B Trend B in parenting and in social institutions is assessing, forgiving, correcting, positive, expressive of unconditional love and evokes bonding with authority, openness to guidance and correction, self acceptance, and happiness.

THE PARENT'S REACTION TO THE LEVEL OR DEGREE OF PERFORMANCE OR ACCOMPLISHMENT Describe the situations or occasions in which the responses listed below are evoked. Describe your own and other persons' roles involved in these situations. Describe emotional states as felt by you or inferred from their behavior. Indicate frequency of occurrence of this kind of reaction. Add comments that will help clarify what has happened at this stage and why you think it happened that way. ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________ ________________________________________________________________

6. Detection of Patterns and Their Causes 6. Now, begin to look deeper and examine your own past for causal influences over your current behavior. Can you detect themes or patterns in your relationship with your parents that were troublesome to you, that you were not able to change, correct, or resolve? Can you recall having a feeling or sense in those earlier years that you would want to do things differently with your own children, would want to prevent them having to go through what you went through, would want to make sure your children would know some quality that you missed in your relationship with your parents? Can you recall critical or traumatic incidents involving you and your parents that left you with a sense of deprivation, abandonment, abuse, neglect, disinterest, excessive indulgence in one area because they were not capable of providing in another critical way or area, etc.? Do you recall certain compelling scenes or scenarios that were particularly distressful or humiliating that you could not change or stop and you wanted to make sure these did not recur with your children? These are themes of unfinished business or themes of incompleteness, leaving you with a feeling that something had not been working or did not turn out right and even though you could not do anything about it at the time, you maintained a feeling that in some future time you would change the scenario and finally make it come out right? Take some time now and try to recall and write out, in the space below, descriptions of these early influences and analyze how they may be affecting your current relationships. _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________ _____________________________________________________________________________

Rewrite the Scenario So That It Will Run Its Course More Effectively and Have a Better Outcome. _____________________________________ _______________ Project ahead and select and describe a situation you will use to practice your new approach to assisting your child to use its own judgement to think through behavioral choices. What Could You Do Differently Next Time?

Rewrite the Scenario So That It Will Run Its Course More Effectively and Have a Better Outcome. ____________________________________________________ Project ahead and select and describe a situation you will use to practice your new approach to assisting your child to use its own judgement to think through behavioral choices. What Could You Do Differently Next Time?