1. How to actively listen: zconcentrating on the message you hear. zgetting the main ideas (content). zidentifying feelings. zHelpful for parents and children to find a win- win solution Active listening is accomplished by... 21

2. “I” messages An “I” message is a method of describing your own needs, values and feelings openly, honestly and directly. It does this by emphasizing the first person pronoun, claiming ownership of your feelings, expressing your needs directly and describing the situation instead of evaluating it. Examples: “I get scared when I think about drug use.” “Driving fast frightens me.” 23

3. “You” messages A “You” message emphasizes the second person pronoun and blames or accuses the other for your feelings, or judges others’ behavior. Its effect on another is to cause the other to become defensive. Instead of opening up conversation, it makes the other wary of your intentions and causes him or her to either withdraw from the conversation, or attempt to justify his/her own feelings. 24 Examples: “You’re so unreliable.” “You make me so angry!”

4. Confrontive assertions The confrontive assertion formula elements: 1) I feel… (feeling word) 2) When (behavioral description) 3) I would like, I need, (what you wish to happen) 4) Because 25

5. Examples: “I felt really angry when you didn’t show up. I got there late and felt panicky when I found I had missed half the presentation. I need to know you will be able to give me a ride when you say you will, or else I can make other arrangements.” 25a Confrontive assertions continued...

6. No-Lose Problem Solving by Gordon (1970) 1.Identify needs of each person 1.Each person listens for the concerns of the other -paraphrase 2.Generate possible solutions 1.Taking the other’s concerns into consideration 3.Evaluating alternative solutions 1.Keeping in mind each person’s concerns 4.Deciding on the best acceptable solution 1.Win-win 5.Agree on how to implement the solution 1.What would each person’s job be 6.Evaluate Remember to use ‘I’ statements!