1. www.enthusiasticlife.net Sexuality in marriage PART SET Dr MargiAnne Isaia, MD MPH PCC DrAnneenthusiasticLife 5

2. CONCEPTS www.enthusiasticlife.net “Sexual fantasies interfere with intimacy during sex”. “There are three dimensions of psychological experience during sex: sexual trance, partner engagement and role play. These dimensions make clear that “what you think about during sex affects how your genitals function” and help explain “how an optimized mind-set can produce profound sexual experience”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009

3. CONCEPTS www.enthusiasticlife.net Partner engagement is a “sexual mind-set which emphasizes your emotional bond with your partner”. In other words “sex is a loving union between warm, tender, caring partners”. ”A profound partner engagement involves a single partner with unique status in your life. It also involves a partner who can engage you on that level”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009

4. CONCEPTS www.enthusiasticlife.net “The people-growing machinery of marriage leads you to being true lovers and best friends”. “Emotional fusion fuels and shapes normal marital sadism”. ”Poorly differentiated couples approach monogamy as a promise to each other and later blame their spouse for their mutual deprivation pact”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2009

5. CONCEPTS www.enthusiasticlife.net “Monogamy in highly differentiated couples becomes a commitment to oneself”. ”Personal integrity supports the self-validated intimacy necessary to keep your sexual relationship alive and grow”. ”Forgiveness is an act of self-caring and deliberate decision to get on with one’s life”. David Schnarch, PhD “Passionate Marriage”, 2 009

6. www.enthusiasticlife.net Mind-wandering and having sexual fantasies during sex compromise the emotional connection between partners. It doesn’t matter if there is “partner-replacement” or “partner-included” fantasies, the outcomes are the same: emotional disconnection and no satisfaction. REACTIONS

7. www.enthusiasticlife.net Sexual trance with its focus on body sensation could provide the impression that you are “in the moment”, but this not necessarily means you are connected with your partner. I believe that the affirmation “trance state sex can be intimate if both people enjoy it and are good at it” is purely an exaggeration. REACTIONS

8. www.enthusiasticlife.net Trance state is in itself an out-of-mind state where is no real pleasure for the person experiencing it: this is a fake experience. If two persons experience this state during sex I am wondering about their mental health. In the same time, with the focus on sensations in order to get “good sex” it is important to consider that overstimulation of sexual areas overwhelms the brain and results in brain damages and depression. Nobody can go beyond the body physiology and still enjoy good health and happiness. REACTIONS

9. www.enthusiasticlife.net Partner engagement where sexual encounter increases self-awareness and interconnection creates the most sublime experience in marriage. Indeed, it makes sex a spiritual communion where the partners celebrate the gift of sexuality and express their thanks to the Giver. I don’t agree with the author’s idea about unbalanced involvement in all three dimensions and limited sexual styles which create rigid quality in long-term sexual relationships. REACTIONS

10. www.enthusiasticlife.net People develop distorted ideas about sexual styles and are looking for something more exciting in their experiences. With partner engagement as the only sexual mind-set is possible to reach your maximum sexual potential: your personhood, your increasing level of differentiation and intimacy work together for development of sexuality. REACTIONS

11. www.enthusiasticlife.net In a good marriage partners learn to self-sooth which make them navigate through two-choice dilemma and overcome the sex-related anxieties. The partners increase in their capacity of recognizing and owning their feelings toward their partners. In the same time their personal integrity and commitment to oneself prevent them from affairs. REACTIONS

12. www.enthusiasticlife.net I agree totally with the fact that having an affair is an act of self-betrayal first of all. It makes me understand that in cases of marital infidelity both partners are hurting and need healing. The biggest barrier to be overcome in cases of infidelity (emotional infidelity included) is the incapacity to forgive. Probably, here is the place for the therapist to make the offended partner to understand forgiveness as an act of self-care which will help her/him to move on in life. REACTIONS

13. www.enthusiasticlife.net Let the partners explore their psycho-emotional experience during sex. Assess sexual conflict in marriage. Address the issue of sexual fantasies during sex. Explain the limits of sexual trance in creating intimacy. Explore the partner engagement during sex and the risk factors which hinder this sexual mind-set. Empower the partners to run into their unresolved issues and lack of personal development. IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FOR SEX THERAPIST

14. www.enthusiasticlife.net Help partners to find increased pleasure in sex accordingly to their sexual styles. Support them in going over their frustrations generated by unrealistic expectations. Explain the risks and benefits of sexual novelty. Explore how the couple will address the anxiety and ambiguity related with sexual novelty. FOR SEX THERAPIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

15. www.enthusiasticlife.net Discuss about the mental dimension of sexual experience and explain the three dimensions of psychological experience during sex. Explore the factors which help in developing the full sexual potential in a long-term relationship. Address the sexual mind-set of sexual trance. IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST

16. www.enthusiasticlife.net Define the faces of partner engagement: “sexual predators”, “opportunistic encounters”, “narcissistic self-reflection”, “real person”, “unique connection” and “oneness with each other and humanity”. Introduce the concept of marital sadism. Explain the role of personal development and integrity in fighting against marital sadism. FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

17. www.enthusiasticlife.net Teach the concept of sexual crucible. Discuss the possible outcomes when one or both partners welcome the crucible experience. Help the couple to develop means to evaluate their personal integrity. FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE

18. www.enthusiasticlife.net Explain the meaning of “hottest erogenous zone”. Explore the mental dimensions of sexual experience. Clarify the concept of sexual trance. Discuss the role of sexual fantasies. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR

19. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR www.enthusiasticlife.net Explain the costs of getting involved in pornography. Help the student to find ways for increasing personal integrity. Define the concept of monogamy. Discuss the correlation “monogamy-differentiation-good sex”.

20. www.enthusiasticlife.net Help the student understand the process of growth not only as that of expressing your emotions, but also that of taking more in. Empower the student to self-confront as an opportunity toward enjoying the crucible’s experience. Explore the topic of emotional infidelity and the ways to prevent it. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR

21. www.enthusiasticlife.net Make him/her understand the concept of forgiveness as an act of self-care. Help him deal with two choice-dilemmas and get rid of sex-related anxieties. Help the student develop a personal plan for healing the “childhood wounds” in order to prevent being trapped in an unhealthy relationship. IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR

22. CLASSICAL AUTHOR “We are to use every means that God has placed within our reach for the government and cultivation of our thoughts. We are to bring our minds into harmony with His mind. His truth will sanctify us, body and soul and spirit, and we shall be enabled to rise above temptations.” EGW --Lt 123, 1904. (HP 164.) {1MCP 235.4} www.enthusiasticlife.net