1. Proven Tips, Tools and Tactics To Speak Up and Confront Project Problems Effectively

2. 2 In a recent on-line poll We asked people what they thought was the biggest communication problem. 17% said cynicism and mistrust 17% said cynicism and mistrust 46% said poor communication skills 46% said poor communication skills 14% said absence of communication 14% said absence of communication 23% said stubborn refusal to entertain other perspectives 23% said stubborn refusal to entertain other perspectives

3. 3 Five crucial conversations Most problems get solved fairly quickly. Smart people work together to put the problem behind them. But when problems have become chronic, have resisted lots of smart people and smart solutions, then the cause is usually self-defeating patterns of behavior. Most problems get solved fairly quickly. Smart people work together to put the problem behind them. But when problems have become chronic, have resisted lots of smart people and smart solutions, then the cause is usually self-defeating patterns of behavior. The research found that there are five crucial conversations that are critical to the success of most projects, and yet are consistently avoided (flight) or done in overly enthusiastic manner (fight or violence) The research found that there are five crucial conversations that are critical to the success of most projects, and yet are consistently avoided (flight) or done in overly enthusiastic manner (fight or violence)

4. 4 Self-defeating behaviors Many people were raised to sweep conflict under the carpet Many people were raised to sweep conflict under the carpet Some people's families do a lot of shouting Some people's families do a lot of shouting Blow Up or Say Nothing: The NO-WIN Formula –either way you loose Blow Up or Say Nothing: The NO-WIN Formula –either way you loose

5. 5 We need to ask ourselves These are all important and yet difficult conversations to have. These are all important and yet difficult conversations to have. 1. Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor? 2. Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and inadequate resources? 3. Do we confront individuals (power mongers) who are inappropriately influencing priorities? 4. Do we deal with ineffective or absent team members? 5. Do we openly discuss problems before they cause failure? 5. Do we openly discuss problems before they cause failure?

6. 6 Take the conflict challenge test 1. Is there tension in the air between you and another person? 2. Are you very angry with someone but want to avoid a fight? 3. Do you want to discuss issues with a colleague or family member who is very reluctant to talk about problems? 4. Have you tried everything and have come to the point where you want to give up on someone and write them off as uncooperative? 5. Would you like to have a way of solving problems and improving your relationship with someone, even if they are difficult to deal with?

7. 7 How would you like to Know when NOT to pick a fight Know when NOT to pick a fight Identify an issue worth solving Identify an issue worth solving Get ready to tackle a conflict Get ready to tackle a conflict Create common goals worth pursuing Create common goals worth pursuing Elegantly overcome resistance and non- cooperation Elegantly overcome resistance and non- cooperation Calm negative emotions quickly Calm negative emotions quickly Get what you need and avoid the 2 Extremes Trap (fight or flight) Get what you need and avoid the 2 Extremes Trap (fight or flight)

8. 8 You can win when you Manage or neutralize your emotions Manage or neutralize your emotions Find out what is important to you and the other person Find out what is important to you and the other person Solve the differences that divide you Solve the differences that divide you Reach a solution that you both want Reach a solution that you both want

9. 9 Consider an easy to use process 1. Own feelings, notice – 1st position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you 2. Guess whats motivating the other person – 2nd position 3. Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) 4. Follow a process of managing the confrontation conversation – 3 rd position

10. 10 First, Second, and Third Position 1 st: Your Own Point of View 2 nd: The Others Point of View 3 rd: An Observer, or the Fly on the Wall View

11. 11 Consider an easy to use process 1. Own reactions, notice – 1st position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you 2. Guess whats motivating the other person – 2nd position 3. Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) 4. Follow a process of managing the confrontation conversation – 3 rd position

12. 12 Step 1: Own reactions, notice 1. Start in 1 st position 2. Notice your own internal signals 3. Process of determining what it is you want If you dont have an intention or goal for a conflict resolutions or fight its very difficult for you to achieve anything at all. How do you figure out what you WANT?

13. 13 Identify whats important to you Identify what is important and what you want; once youve honored your reactions the more likely it is that youll be able to come up with a goal thats equitable. Once youve honor the reaction…youll notice that you feel calmer inside and are more able to deal with the situation. Identify what is important and what you want; once youve honored your reactions the more likely it is that youll be able to come up with a goal thats equitable. Once youve honor the reaction…youll notice that you feel calmer inside and are more able to deal with the situation.

14. 14 To figure out what you WANT… What to ask your reactions If Anger (also rage and fury) What must be protected? What must be restored? Fear (Anxiety and Worry) What action must be taken? Confusion Whats my intention? Sadness What must be released? What must be renewed? Grief What must be mourned? Depression Why has my energy gone? Where is it now? Suicidal What can no longer be tolerated in my soul?

15. 15 What else to ask your reactions Ask: What will happen if I do nothing about it? Ask: What will happen if I do nothing about it? Ask: What do I want? What do I want instead? Why is that important? Ask: What do I want? What do I want instead? Why is that important? Ask: What does it mean? Ask: What does it mean? Ask: What do you what me to know? Ask: What do you what me to know? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: What do I want instead? Ask: What do I want instead? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: Why is that important? Ask: What does having that do for you? Ask: What does having that do for you?

16. 16 Consider an easy to use process 1. Own reactions, notice – 1st position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you 2. Guess whats motivating the other person – 2nd position 3. Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) 4. Follow a process of managing the confrontation conversation – 3 rd position

17. 17 Step 2: Guess what s motivating them 1 st: Your Own Point of View 2 nd: The Others Point of View 3 rd: An Observer, or the Fly on the Wall View Step 2: Move to guessing what might be motivating the other person.

18. 18 Questions to consider What might they be feeling? What might they be feeling? What do they believe to be true? What do they believe to be true? If person is behaving like that what is it that they believe that is causing them to act like that? If person is behaving like that what is it that they believe that is causing them to act like that? What would they need? What would they need? Why would that be important? Why would that be important? What do I have to offer them? What do I have to offer them? What might they be able to offer me? What might they be able to offer me? What is important to me about the future of this relationship? What is important to me about the future of this relationship? Is this relationship important to me? Is this relationship important to me?

19. 19 Consider an easy to use process 1. Own reactions, notice – 1st position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you 2. Guess whats motivating the other person – 2nd position 3. Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) 4. Follow a process of managing the confrontation conversation – 3 rd position

20. 20 Step 3: Decide whether or not to have a conversation 1 st: Your Own Point of View 2 nd: The Others Point of View 3 rd: An Observer, or the Fly on the Wall View Step 3: Move to analyzing whether or not you really want to talk to this person

21. 21 Questions to consider What are the risks of talking to them? (If I dont handle this properly…etc.) What are the risks of talking to them? (If I dont handle this properly…etc.) What are the benefits? What are the benefits? Check in with yourself…what do you really want? Check in with yourself…what do you really want? Its important to be clear on what it is you want? Or, what is it thats important to me? Its important to be clear on what it is you want? Or, what is it thats important to me?

22. 22 Consider an easy to use process 1. Own reactions, notice – 1st position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you 2. Guess whats motivating the other person – 2nd position 3. Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) 4. Follow a process of managing the confrontation conversation – 3rd position

23. 23 Step 4: Managing the conversation 1. Establish rapport 2. Make request 3. State benefit/problems solved 4. Summarize their response (need) 5. Restate your need (your needs are equal) 6. What can we do to meet these needs 7. Together, brainstorm & choose ways to implement 8. Select how youll both evaluate hows its working

24. 24 The Macho Test Have I stated or implied in anything Ive said or done (or written) that… 1. I know…something you dont know?…more than you do? 2. You are not completely perfect in everything you do? 3. Someone else (like you, the messenger) is more important than you are?

25. 25 What to do if someone blames you Let them vent Let them vent Match their tone, not their intent Match their tone, not their intent Then, respond, putting it in the past… Then, respond, putting it in the past… …you think I havent been reasonable… …you think I havent been reasonable… Then, ask: Well, what is it that you need? Then, ask: Well, what is it that you need?

26. 26 We need to ask ourselves These are all important and yet difficult conversations to have. These are all important and yet difficult conversations to have. 1. Do we confront an "out-to-lunch" sponsor? 2. Do we challenge arbitrary deadlines and inadequate resources? 3. Do we confront individuals (power mongers) who are inappropriately influencing priorities? 4. Do we deal with ineffective or absent team members? 5. Do we openly discuss problems before they cause failure? 5. Do we openly discuss problems before they cause failure?

27. 27 Consider an easy to use process 1. Own reactions, notice – 1st position & Identify what reaction is trying to tell you 2. Guess whats motivating the other person – 2nd position 3. Make a decision – 3rd position (What are benefits, risks, etc.?) 4. Follow a process of managing the confrontation conversation – 3 rd position

28. 28 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 1. Monday lunch: other position, friend/spouse 2. Tuesday family: observer position 3. Wednesday alone: step into self 4. Thursday conversation: self, other, observer 5. Friday night public: who is in self, other, observer 6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow? 7. Sunday integration: maps of reality

29. 29 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 1. Monday lunch: other position, friend/spouse Take on the attributes of this person. What would they eat? What would they see, hear, and feel?

30. 30 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 2. Tuesday family: observer position In an interaction with your family, note from observer position the specifics of the interaction. Notice your contribution. What did you learn?

31. 31 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 3. Wednesday alone: step into self Really notice what you see, hear, and feel, and record what you learn

32. 32 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 4. Thursday conversation: self, other, observer During a conversation, shift between all 3 positions. What did you sense? What did you learn?

33. 33 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 5. Friday night public: who is in self, other, observer In a shopping mall, for example, notice who is in which perceptual position. How can you tell. What is your position during this activity?

34. 34 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow? How will you challenge yourself to grow in these 3 different areas?

35. 35 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 7. Sunday integration: maps of reality People respond to their maps, not to reality. How does this help you? Many thanks to NLP Comprehensive

36. 36 An Action Plan for the Week Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: Here are ways to get better at perceptual positions by practicing for a week or more: 1. Monday lunch: other position, friend/spouse 2. Tuesday family: observer position 3. Wednesday alone: step into self 4. Thursday conversation: self, other, observer 5. Friday night public: who is in self, other, observer 6. Saturday self tasking: how will you grow? 7. Sunday integration: maps of reality