Presentation on theme: "Presbyterians: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? The Session will determine the exact number, and through the Reformed sacrament."— Presentation transcript:
Presbyterians: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? The Session will determine the exact number, and through the Reformed sacrament of light bulb changing, God will seal us in our light bulb changing service, renew our identity as the light bulb people of God, and will mark us for further light bulb changing service that will manifest the grace of God to the world.
Pentecostals: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Seeker-sensitive: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Varied. We do not wish to make you uncomfortable by presenting dogmatic and highly charged assertions about proper light bulb changing methods that may have turned you off in your past light bulb changing experiences. Please come and join us for a relaxed, informal, friendly atmosphere in hopes of turning you on to becoming a purpose-driven light bulb changer.
Roman Catholic: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? None. Vatican II dictated candles only.
Southern Baptists: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Charismatic: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? We don’t replace bulbs, we heal them through the five fold ministry of light bulb changing – can I get a witness?
Episcopalians: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old bulb was.
Calvary Chapels: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? As many as the Spirit may lead. We always seek a sound, balanced approach regarding the issue of changing light bulbs. We do not want to veer into the excesses of other groups’ light bulb changing experiences, but we also don’t want to deny the existence of miraculous light bulb changing methods. Not being a denomination, any Calvary Chapel may change light bulbs as long as it is not in direct conflict with the Word or Calvary Chapel’s distinctives.
Post-modern/Emergent church: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Up to you to figure it out. The old ways of changing light bulbs no longer apply. The society you now live in is not ‘your grandfather’s light bulb’, so adapt and find the best way to be relevant to today’s Gen-X and Gen-Y light bulb changers or find yourself the one being replaced..
United Pentecostal Church: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Every member must. The ability to change a light bulb is THE evidence of being a genuine light bulb changer. And all light bulb changing activities must be done in Jesus’ name only.
Methodists: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Church-wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Word of Faith: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? We all can. After being slain in the Spirit at a Holy Ghost revival, God hears our faith- filled words spoken at the light bulb. God must obey the force of faith and light the bulb up again. Just keep repeating “I am a little light-bulb changer, I am a little light- bulb changer.”
Lutherans: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? One. And we want it known we are “protesting” the use of candles by the Catholics.
Independent, Fundamental Baptists: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? None. We haven’t changed since the 1950’s, let alone a light bulb.
Arminians: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? “Whosoever will” can change the light bulb at any time they freely so choose to change it.
Calvinists: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? None. If God wants a light bulb changed, then He will change it. All our efforts are in vain until such time as His sovereign grace changes the elect light bulb.
Legalists: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? 100. One to change the light bulb and 99 to monitor that the person changing the light bulb is a man who has not sold out to the flesh, his hair is short and neatly trimmed, wears a white shirt with a coat and tie to church, does not watch TV, go to movies, dance, smoke or drink alcohol, does not listen to pop/rock/country/jazz music and is not dating a ‘worldly woman.’
Amish: How Many Church Folk Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb? What's a light bulb?
“The Gospel of Judas and other Gnostic writings were exploding the myth of a monolithic Christianity." Elaine Pagels, The Gospel Truth, NT Times, Apr. 6, 2006
“One of the many qualities that makes the DaVinci Code unique is the factual nature of the story. All the history, artwork, ancient documents, and secret rituals in the novel are accurate –as are the hidden codes revealed in some of DaVinci's most famous paintings." Dan Brown, Introduction, The DaVinci Code
1 Tim. 4 ~ 1 Now the Spirit expressly says that in latter times some will depart from the faith, giving heed to deceiving spirits and doctrines of demons, 2 speaking lies in hypocrisy, having their own conscience seared with a hot iron…
“What will move you? Will pity? Here is distress never the like. Will duty? Here is a person never the like. Will fear? Here is wrath never the like. Will remorse? Here are sins never the like. Will kindness? Here is love never the like. Will bounty? Here are benefits never the like. Will all these? Here they be all, all in the highest degree.”... Lancelot Andrewes (1555-1626), “Sermon on Good Friday"
Acts 1 ~ 10 And while they looked steadfastly toward heaven as He went up, behold, two men stood by them in white apparel, 11 who also said, “Men of Galilee, why do you stand gazing up into heaven? This same Jesus, who was taken up from you into heaven, will so come in like manner as you saw Him go into heaven."
1 John 3 ~ 2 Beloved, now we are children of God; and it has not yet been revealed what we shall be, but we know that when He is revealed, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. 3 And everyone who has this hope in Him purifies himself, just as He is pure.
Ps. 37~ 4 Delight yourself also in the Lord, And He shall give you the desires of your heart.
Rev. 4 ~ 11 “You are worthy, O Lord, To receive glory and honor and power; For You created all things, And by Your will they exist and were created." And for Thy pleasure they are and were created." ~ KJV
Tit. 2~ 11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 12 teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, 13 looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ…
Phil. 3 ~ 8 Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness, which is from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which is from God by faith; 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection, and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death…
Gal. 2 ~ 20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
Rom. 8 ~ 37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
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