1. A map of The Kingdom of Fantasia (This is a very old map and may be incorrect) One night, in The Kingdom of Fantasia, The King’s chief councillor, Slipgill Sliceguts, called an emergency meeting. The Palace

2. The King and all his council assembled in a secret room in the palace to hear what Slipgill Sliceguts had to say. He perceived a problem. This is what he said: The King Slipgill Sliceguts

3. Slipgill Sliceguts My Lord and fellow members of the council, I have invited you here on this grim and foreboding eve in order to inform you of a problem and suggest a possible solution. As you may or may not know, all the peasants in all the lands of Fantasia are rumoured to be planning a rebellion. I believe it has something to do with Miss Hollyhock and her band of interfering teachers.

4. You will be aware that over the past few years Miss Hollyhock, the head teacher of The School of Fantasia, has been sending out teachers to all four corners of The Kingdom to educate the peasants. Ever since this initiative began the peasants have grown more and more restless. Miss Hollyhock Revolting peasants

5. In fact, the day before this meeting six peasants were arrested after they were found guilty of inscribing: ‘Down with The Dictators; Power to the People.’ on the palace wall. Do not fear my friends. These scumbags have received their just deserts - our noble judge gave orders for their hands to be chopped off and their eyes to be pecked out by crows. Their filthy felonious fingers are currently adorning the battlements to serve as a warning to any prospective criminals.

6. I propose that, to prevent a rebellion and to remind the peasants of their puny and powerless place in our kingdom, we undertake our own initiative, code-name: ‘Project Eraser’. It will involve collecting all works of literature in The Kingdom, that includes both fiction and non- fiction; novels, poems, leaflets, lists, notes, guides, instructions, recipes, letters etc. Once we have done this I suggest that we pile it all up in a great heap, douse it with petrol and burn it. All the Literature in the land Hotter than Colin Firth in Pride and Prejudice.

7. Then, my Lord and colleagues, we will need to take care of the teachers. We will send out our bravest knights to arrest the treacherous teachers, we will imprison them, torture them and, if we get really bored, execute them. Brave knight Treacherous Teacher

8. We should then enforce a new law in the lands: If any man, woman or child is found in the act of reading or writing, or if they are discovered to be harbouring any literature, writing equipment, authors, poets or playwrights they are to be burned at the stake…along with the authors, poets and playwrights. Authors, poets and playwrights

9. Slipgill Sliceguts Ladies and Gentlemen, I believe that this is the only way to prevent the vagabonds from revolting and turning this beautiful kingdom of ours into a dreadful democracy. They must not be allowed to think for themselves!

10. The King was scared. He had been born into the royal family, crowned king at the age of eleven following the death of his father and, until now, had very little to do in the way of ruling - other than opening supermarkets and attending variety shows. I’m scared

11. He thought that Slipgill Sliceguts probably knew best and the rest of the council seemed to be in complete agreement, in fact they were all very enthusiastic. After all, the last councillor that disagreed with Sliceguts died tragically. He was said to have slipped on a banana skin in The Royal Armouries, landing in such a way as to dismember, disembowel and decapitate himself. A terrible way to go! ‘Ay’ said The King in his most manly and majestic voice. Ay

12. That very night The King sent The White Knight, The Dark Knight and all of the other knights out into The Kingdom of Fantasia to collect every last piece of literature. The Dark Knight The White Knight

13. The Dark Knight performed this task with relish. He did not like books and was glad of a chance to show off to The King. I don’t like books.

14. The White Knight was less eager. He was fond of books. He’d read many as a child and had learnt about all the different lands in The Kingdom. He’d avidly followed the adventures of his predecessors on their various quests, greedily digested information about swordsmanship, fencing, dragon slaying, damsel rescuing and Thai cookery. Nevertheless, rather than let The Dark Knight be favoured by The King, he reluctantly fulfilled the task, procuring as many novels, letters and shopping lists as he could lay his gauntleted hands on. Books rock but I won’t let The Dark Knight win!

15. The next day The King commanded that all the newspapers, magazines, leaflets, adverts, signposts, diaries, instructions, sick notes, fountain pens, Biros, crayons and quills etc. be piled up and burned. Lord of The Rings The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to The Galaxy Pride and Prejudice Gordon Ramsey’s Shopping list Biro

16. Some citizens rejoiced under Slipgill Slicegut’s steely gaze. They bought expensive fireworks that they couldn’t afford. They toasted pink and white marshmallows in the blazing heat of the towering inferno. Marshmallow Expensive fireworks

17. Others wept; they stayed in their houses, hiding their tears from The Royal Guards. Peasants comfort eating

18. After the embers had died down and the cinders had been swept away, The King sent word for all his subjects to congregate in The Palace grounds to hear the latest law. He read it to them in his most masculine and regal voice: ‘From this day forth nobody is allowed to read or write. Anyone caught reading, writing or harbouring literature, writing implements, authors, poets or playwrights will be burned at the stake.’