Do: GTFO! Make your way to the nearest exits. Don’t “ride it out.” Use any vehicles at your disposal. The best method of transport will vary based on the nonhuman threat. Here is the order of preferred escape methods: Vehicle with warp drive. Aerial vehicle Armored/ Weaponized land vehicles – ie tank, Batmobile, Ecto 1. Car/Truck/ SUV/ RV Feet Cillian Murphy attempts to GTFO.
Don’t: Get Separated Someone always dies when groups split up. If you must split up, pick the surviving group. Families are always trying to reunite. Use self-control to avoid: Checking out that weird sound outside. Sneaking off to make out. Saying, “I’ll be right back.”
Do: Collaborate Work with humans and nonhumans to survive and to alleviate the threat. Ask, What does the ____ want? Ghost – Vengeance? Unfinished business? Monster – Food? Mate? Friend? Alien --- World domination or to phone home? ET gives Elliot the finger for helping him out.
Collaboration (cont’d) Survivalist (+) Has weapons (+) Omnipotent Swiss army knife (-) May not be safe with children (+) Intelligent, not paranoid (-) Extreme paranoia (-) Does not use guns Crazy.Crazy smart.
Survivalist (+)Motorcycle modified with chainsaws (+)Explosives (+)Badass
Don’t: Trust the Government May be complicit in the attacks or covered up the threat to avoid panic. May not have known about the attacks but will not be able to respond appropriately. If the aliens made it this far, we’re already screwed.
Don’t: Ask (Dumb) Questions Asking pertinent, logical questions often leads to insanity and confusion. Q: Where did the monster/zombies come from? A: A nuclear bomb that doesn’t incinerate lifeforms, just mutates them. Q:Why don’t people in haunted locales leave? A: You can’t piss on hospitality. Q: Coffee, eggs, bacon? A: Blech!
Do: Keep an Eye on the Kids Salvation May save humanity. May be able to communicate with the creatures. May be too cute to die. Death May destroy humanity. May be disobedient or precocious and therefore require dangerous rescues. May be too creepy to live.
Do: Look for Deeper Meanings Nonhumans become incarnations of intangible threats and anxieties. Attack of the allegories. Godzilla Terminator Night of the Living Dead Cloverfield Troll 2 The Host
“The Host” Anti-Americanism/ Korean Nationalism Class stratification Korean (Family) drama Film with a mutant and a mutant film
Laaf Advice Column Hey Professor Fail, You know me. It’s Mark Wahlberg. Don’t be scared. I just want to talk to you. You know I produce “Entourage”? I want your advice. Claudio Fragazzo asked me to reprise my role in “The Happening” and be in Troll 2 Part 2. How can I decline without punching that hack in the face? Say “hello” to your mother for me. Mark Wahlberg Wahlberg appeared in Laaf XXX and produces Entourage. “Whaaat?”
Laaf Advice Column Dear Mark, You must at all costs prevent Troll 2 from happening! If Claudio calls, don’t pick up. Pretend it’s a creepy, serial killer on the other line. If you must speak to him, dismiss him with phrases like, “You know nothing!” or “You are a dog!” If that fails, pee on the script! A great nonhuman invasion movie will tap into the cultural zeitgeist and exploit the fears and anxieties of the time, not be a polemic against vegetarianism. Also, you might want to avoid M.Night as well until he can write a movie that has actual characters in it again. Sincerely, Prof. Fail.
Nonhuman Invasion Movie Celebrity Photo: Anna Kendrick