1. So You’re Unemployed! How Not to Be a Pain-in-the-Ass Applicant By Elizabeth West

2. Introduction When applying for a job, your first impression is not the interview. It is your initial contact with the company in which you are interested. Therefore, your presentation should be as good as if you expect to be interviewed THAT MOMENT.

3. Dress No matter what type of job you are applying for, dress neatly in clean clothes. Good grooming is essential. Bathe – PLEASE! If you are applying for an office job, it might be a good idea to leave your tribal lip plate at home and attempt to cover your tats of naked elves.

4. Demeanor Be polite. If you are rude, the receptionist will flag your app at the speed of light. The receptionist does not want to hear your life story. If you cannot fill out an application without a boyfriend, girlfriend or parent along for “moral support,” chances are this job is not for you. In fact, ANY job may not be for you. For God’s sake, DON’T PUT YOUR GUM UNDER THE CHAIR. Bring all your information with you. It makes you look like an unprepared doofus to have nothing.

5. You Have an Interview! Congratulations! Your application did not go into the round file! Now you must prepare for your interview. Remember, an interview does NOT mean that you have the job. The number one rule of interviews is – BE ON TIME. If you have to cancel, CALL. No Show = No Hire!

6. Dress The more conservative, the better. Do not wear jeans and a hoochy-mama top with flip-flops. If you are a man, do not wear jeans and a hoochy- mama top with flip-flops. Don’t drown yourself in perfume or cologne. There’s no faster way to end an interview than giving your interviewer a serious asthma attack. If you give your interviewer a serious asthma attack, don’t ask, as he/she is being wheeled into the ambulance, “Does this mean I have the job?”

7. Demeanor Give a firm (not bone-crushing) handshake. Smile! Take your time to answer questions. Some of them are tough; you don’t have to immediately pipe up like a third- grader. Don’t tell the interviewer that you like to collect serial killer trading cards or dissect dead animals. Show that you have taken the time to consider if your skills are right for the company. If you are a male who dislikes women bosses and your interviewer is a woman, don’t roll your eyes when you see her. Yes, this happened to one of my supervisors.

8. Afterwards You’ve had your interview! Don’t forget to send a thank-you note to your interviewer. If you feel it went well, it’s okay to ask when you can expect a decision. However: Please refrain from calling 17 times a day to ask if the job has been filled. Don’t just “stop by” either. It’s too awkward. If you haven’t heard anything in a reasonable amount of time, assume the job is filled and move the hell on.

9. Points to Remember In a nutshell -  You are selling YOUR SKILLS! Make the package something that someone would want!  Be organized, prompt and polite.  Don’t freak out or tick off the receptionist or you will be flagged as a stinky weirdo.

10. GOOD LUCK! Copyright 2006 by Elizabeth West. No reproduction is permitted without written permission of the author.