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2. Provide a set of Parenting Education topics and resources for providers that can be used flexibly in Reunification Services. 2BHCS, LLC 2016

3.  Developmental Stages  Meeting children’s physical, mental and emotional needs  Positive/Negative Consequences  Staying Calm  Teaching Self-Control  Parents as Teachers  Preventive Teaching  Corrective Teaching  Behavior and what it is  Discipline and what it is  Effective Praise  Preparation for Family Meetings 3BHCS, LLC 2016

4.  Reduce family stress  Know proper nutrition, safety and nurturing  Support success in school  Enrich parent/child relationships  Reduce problem behavior  Diminish yelling and fighting  Increase the parent’s confidence as well as the child's confidence  Understand developmental stages 4BHCS, LLC 2016

5.   Nutrition   Safety   Hygiene   Health   Exercise   Facilitating and encouraging learning   Understanding and supporting your child’s emotions BHCS, LLC 20165

6.  Teach skills about healthy nutrition. Talk about healthy snacks (grapes, raisins, carrots) vs. unhealthy snacks (candy, cookies, sweets). Discuss drink choices (water and milk vs. soda or too much juice). Explain what constitutes a well balanced meal.  Give homework assignments to bring healthy snacks, to menu plan, to write grocery lists within a budget.  Use the internet as a resource to provide educational information to parents and for teaching tools. BHCS, LLC 20166

7.  Talk about topics related to safety in the home and community. This can range from setting safe water temperature, stove/hot surface safety, electrical outlet safety, storing chemicals, securing top heavy furniture such as large TVs to who you choose to have in your home and around your children. Not allowing illegal substances in the home is also a safety topic.  Discuss stranger danger, street crossing, always being within an arm’s reach or visual site of your child when out of the home, and other community safety topics.  Domestic Violence is another topic that falls under safety. A separate curriculum will be available for this topic. BHCS, LLC 20167

8.  Teaching parents about not only role modeling good hygiene, but about appropriately attending to and teaching their children good hygiene is an important parenting skill.  Discuss barriers to good hygiene such as lack of money for hygiene products, lack of running water, lack of access to laundry facilities, etc. and try to problem solve with parents. Assist them in finding resources to meet the needs or notify their social worker of the barriers. BHCS, LLC 20168

9.  Discuss the importance of physical health. Well child visits, regular dental cleanings, giving medications or treatments as prescribed, and child hood obesity are good topics to cover.  Also address any health issues particular to the child/children such as seizure disorders, asthma, allergies, etc. Teach parents about ways to manage their child’s health conditions. For example, smoking in the home significantly exacerbates asthma symptoms. BHCS, LLC 20169

10.  Talking with parents about the importance for their children to get outside and to get physical exercise is another good topic.  Discuss setting limits on screen time (how much time a child spends watching TV or playing video games) vs. engaging in physical activities or outdoor play.  Also, explain all the benefits of exercise, not just the health related ones, but the behaviorally related benefits (i.e., very active children tend to display less behavior problems if they get physical outlets, children struggling with depression can have enhance mood from regular exercise) BHCS, LLC 201610

11.  Teaching parents how to engage in learning based games, songs, activities with their children is a very important skill. This also requires that a parent has some understanding of their child’s developmental stage.  Talk with parents about being involved in the child’s school, helping with homework, creating structured homework time and proper conditions for studying. Remind parents that they are their child’s first teacher! BHCS, LLC 201611

12. Teach parents active listening skills, how to repeat/rephrase statements back to their child to show they have heard and understood what the child is expressing, how to use to stories to talk about feelings, and how to recognize the impact their own mood/feelings has on their child. BHCS, LLC 201612

13. Parenting is a process; parents change and grow to meet the needs of their children. It is important to remember that change is gradual; for parents to learn new ways can be scary, difficult, and even confusing for both children and adults. Parents influence their children’s behavior and children affect parents’ behavior. Teaching these skills can help parents change their children’s behavior by teaching the adults how to change their own behavior. BHCS, LLC 201613

14. Here are five basic parenting skills you can teach parents that are useful from the time children begin to talk through the teenage years: ENCOURAGEMENT, CAN DO, CHOICES, SELF CONTROL, AND RESPECTING FEELINGS. BHCS, LLC 201614

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18. 1. Notice something you like. 2. Notice how you feel. 3. Say it! (“I feel... that you....”) 4. Notice how your child responds. BHCS, LLC 201618

19. 1. Notice what you don’t want your child to do. 2. Think of something your child can do instead. 3. Tell your child what he or she can do. 4. Help your child if necessary. BHCS, LLC 201619

20. 1. Help your child understand the problem. 2. Your child and you think of two or more reasonable choices. 3. Have your child choose and tell you the choice. 4. Help your child follow through. BHCS, LLC 201620

21. 1. Pay attention to body messages telling you that you are about to lose control. 2. Think of ways to control yourself. 3. Choose a way and get control of yourself. 4. Decide how to act with your child. BHCS, LLC 201621

22. 1. Watch and listen to your child. 2. Think of a word that describes what your child might be feeling. 3. Think about why your child might be feeling this way. 4. Check your ideas with your child. BHCS, LLC 201622

23. The First Skill  1. Notice something you like.  2. Notice how you feel.  3. Say it! (I feel... that you....)  4. Notice how your child responds. Outcomes  Children learn to value who they are and what they do.  Parents discover and value their children’s evolving strengths. BHCS, LLC 201623

24. BHCS, LLC 201624 ENCOURAGEMENT Skill Steps 1.Notice something you like. Children benefit from knowing that their parents approve of them. When children try to do something new or to do something for others, parents can use encouragement to show appreciation. In this first step, parents need to look carefully at their child and observe his or her behavior. By observing their children and using ENCOURAGEMENT, parents show children the behavior they value. Parents can name specific behaviors with sentences such as “She likes to help pick out her own pants,” “He tries to help make his bed,”“My child talks to his baby brother in a kind voice.” Sometimes a parent will have to think carefully to separate helpful, positive behavior from frustrating or annoying aspects. For example, when a child tries to help with the dishes but gets water all over the floor, recognize the helpful feeling and appreciate the contribution, then make light of the mess. A parent might say, “I can see how much my child wants to be a part of cleaning up after dinner.” Water can be mopped up with a sponge, but hurt feelings cannot! A perfect time to use ENCOURAGEMENT is when a child begins to do something that a parent would like to see him or her continue to do. Parents get very excited when their baby first starts to walk. Walking takes a lot of effort and practice, a lot of falling down and getting up. Seeing a child’s first steps is thrilling. Parents feel good when this happens.

25. BHCS, LLC 201625 2. Notice how you feel. Take a minute to remember how you feel when you see your child trying hard or making progress or making a contribution to the family or doing something he or she enjoys. This can be a challenge. All parents experience a wide range of feelings when raising children. Parents also may have difficulty separating their feelings of excitement or satisfaction from feelings of frustration or anxiety. Take a minute to think how you are feeling and to find a positive way to tell your child what you see. “I like to see you...,” “I feel proud, happy, pleased, relieved when....” A broad vocabulary of words that express feeling will help you move beyond “I feel good” and “I feel bad,” thus helping children identify their own feelings of effort, accomplishment, and success.

26. BHCS, LLC 201626 3. Say it! (I feel... that you....) When we tell children that we notice good things they do, they learn to appreciate their own best behavior. Children who are comfortable with themselves and feel encouraged have high self esteem. It is easy for parents to take children’s good behavior for granted and miss the chance to teach them to value their special qualities and talents. This step can be uncomfortable for some parents. It is important to be honest, sincere, and specific. Describe what you see and how it makes you feel. For example, “I like seeing you give your brother the book to look at,” “I enjoy watching you learn to swing,” “It’s great to see you practicing jump rope,” “I’m glad to see how much you enjoy drawing pictures.” 4. Notice how your child responds. An important part of this step is that parents pay attention to their child’s reaction. Some children may be curious, some self-conscious, some suspicious. Most children will be grateful and pleased that their parent was paying attention to them and took the time to say something.

27. BHCS, LLC 201627 People need to feel strongly that: I Am Lovable And Capable (IALAC) if they are to feel good about their capacity to learn and to function well in the world. This feeling can grow or shrink depending on a person’s experiences, particularly with other people AND especially their parents!

28. The Second Skill  1. Notice what you don’t want your child to do.  2. Think of something your child can do instead.  3. Tell your child what he or she can do.  4. Help your child if necessary. Outcomes  Children are able to change unacceptable behaviors to acceptable ones.  Parents gain a constructive limit-setting technique that recognizes their children’s need to be creative and explore their world. BHCS, LLC 201628

29. BHCS, LLC 201629 CAN DO Skill Steps 1. Notice what you don’t want your child to do. When you notice your child doing something annoying or irritating or even hurting something or someone, stop and think for a minute before reacting. Decide what behavior of the child’s you want to change. Of course, if a child is in immediate danger, an adult must intervene quickly. 2. Think of something your child can do instead. Ask yourself what your child could do or have that would be okay with you. Think of things that are safer or more appropriate than the activity you want to stop. If your child is throwing things or jumping on the bed, is there another place where that activity would not bother you? Throwing things indoors increases the chances of people being hurt or objects getting broken. Jumping on beds upsets many parents and can be dangerous if a child falls. Children can play actively outdoors in a safe setting. Choosing alternative activities that require minimal change is the most successful technique. Children need outlets for emotions and energy; parents can help children learn how to manage these needs in effective and appropriate ways. Changing from jumping wildly to coloring quietly is a huge leap for most kids that they will resist. If a situation causes frustration and occurs often in your family, ask friends for ideas you could try as CAN DO’S with your children.

30. BHCS, LLC 201630 3. Tell your child what he or she can do. Using a firm, friendly voice, tell your child what you want her or him to do. A statement that ends with “okay?” or a question such as “Would you like to color instead of jumping on the bed?” gives the child the choice not to cooperate and creates confusion. Statements like “Jumping on the bed is not safe. You need to play out in the yard,” spoken in a respectful, confident manner are more effective. Some children will cooperate easily, but if your child is having a hard time making the switch, speak slowly, making eye contact to get your child’s attention. Be clear, firm, and calm. 4. Help your child if necessary. Following through is the key to the success of this skill. Your children will cooperate when they see that you care enough to help them. It may be necessary to show your child what you expect and to give encouragement, coaching, or other support. Sometimes children appreciate your company. “You need to play active games outside. I will put on my coat and join you outdoors.” Although it may be inconvenient or an extra effort, time you take now will help your child be more independent in the long run. Summary CAN DO is a skill you use when your children are doing something you don’t want them to do.

31. The Third Skill  1. Help your child understand the problem.  2. Your child and you think of two or more reasonable choices.  3. Have your child choose and tell you the choice.  4. Help your child follow through. Outcomes  Children make decisions within reasonable limits provided by adults.  Parents share the decision-making process with their children. BHCS, LLC 201631

32. BHCS, LLC 201632 Skill Steps 1.Help your child understand the problem. Often situations that cause conflict between people are seen differently by those involved. One person may be unaware of causing a problem for others. Clearly stating the problem is the first step to a solution. It is important to be specific about the problem, saying something like “Wet clothes will mildew if they are left on the floor” or “It’s getting late, time to get dressed for school.” Global criticisms like “You never think before you act” have no place in this skill; avoid them. Take time to explain your concern, however briefly, to communicate the expectation that this is a problem you can solve together. The underlying message you give your child is that “we can work this out with mutual respect.”

33. BHCS, LLC 201633 2. Your child and you think of two or more reasonable choices. This is a brainstorming step. Encourage this process by asking your child, “What do you think we could do?” and by making a list of all the ideas. In this step all ideas are okay. In fact, a crazy idea may trigger a suggestion from one or both of you that could be the best solution. Before you move to the next step, be sure you have found choices that are acceptable to both of you. It is very important that children contribute ideas. By doing so they begin to feel a part of the planning and, later, of the solution to the problem. Children will quickly develop many ideas. A child who contributes creative ideas becomes a good problem solver, a cooperative playmate, and a resourceful student. Together you take the list of ideas and sort out which ones are reasonable and acceptable to both of you. Very young children will be overwhelmed by too many alternatives. They will be comfortable with shorter lists and more concrete choices. The parent and the child should both have “no” votes, although the parent has the final responsibility to be sure the choices are safe and reasonable. “Can you live with it?” is a good test. If not, simply say, “That cannot be one of the choices.” Being flexible and open-minded is also a skill. Carefully think about why you are saying “no.” Is it reasonable for you to let your sixteen-year-old child go to the movies with a friend without a chaperon? Is it responsible to allow your eight year-old to choose her own clothes? If you cannot decide on at least two mutually agreeable choices, get ideas from others, start over, or agree to try one choice for a short time as an experiment. Don’t get discouraged; it is a process that gets easier the more it is used. 3. Have your child choose and tell you the choice. Once you and your child have agreed on choices acceptable to both of you, it should not matter to you which choice your child makes. When children tell their choice they make a verbal commitment and are more likely to follow through. Be sure the decision is clear to both you and yourchild. You may want to repeat the decision to be sure you both understand the choice.

34. BHCS, LLC 201634 4. Help your child follow through. This skill has an important final step. Making the choice is only part of the solution. Responsibility means doing what you say you will do. “What can I do to help you?” may be a gentle reminder, giving additional information or other support to help your child follow through. If there is still a problem, you may decide to start again with Step 1 of CHOICES or use another skill. Stay calm and focused on the issue to reduce any anger, annoyance, or frustration you or your child may feel. Summary CHOICES is used when parents are willing to let their children make decisions within reasonable limits.

35. The Fourth Skill 1. Pay attention to body messages telling you that you are about to lose control. 2. Think of ways to control yourself. 3. Choose a way and get control of yourself. 4. Decide how to act with your child. Outcomes: Children learn by example how to handle their feelings. Parents learn to manage their response to strong emotions. BHCS, LLC 201635

36. BHCS, LLC 201636 SELF CONTROL Skill Steps 1.Pay attention to body messages telling you that you are about to lose control. Intense emotions change body chemistry. Bodies can be like volcanoes in which pressure builds and then explodes. Without self-control an explosion may occur before you know it. When a participant says, “I know I’ve lost it when my fist hits the wall!” facilitators can help him or her identify signals that preceded the explosive behavior. Parents may notice that their jaws tighten or they grit their teeth. Some may feel stomach muscles tense or notice changes in their voices. Some may wring their hands or make a fist. Certain situations are pressure cookers—someone yelling at you, your children being uncooperative late at night, or being late for an appointment. These difficult times may trigger explosive reactions. Everyone has some personal signals. It is important to learn your own and pay attention to them. The better you become at recognizing these body messages early, the easier it is to respond effectively in tough situations.

37. BHCS, LLC 201637 2. Think of ways to control yourself. When your body messages send you a warning, having a plan helps you calm down and regain control. Planning ahead can relieve feelings of being trapped and lessen feelings of frustration or helplessness. Ideas for SELF-CONTROL fall in two categories—ways to control yourself without leaving the situation and ways to control yourself when you can leave. For example, when you cannot leave, you can count to ten, take several deep breaths, talk to yourself, and remind yourself that you are okay. When you can get away, you might choose to talk the problem out with a trusted friend, find a quiet place, listen to music, or go for a walk. 3. Choose a way and get control of yourself. Different circumstances dictate different choices. The importance of this step is to take time to choose and not to react before thinking. It may take a while to calm down. You may decide to take a break and say, “I am too upset to handle this right now. I will come back when I feel calm.” Then when you are calm, come back and begin Step 4.

38. BHCS, LLC 201638 4. Decide how to act with your child. Once you are ready, you can think about the other skills you have learned and how they could apply to the situation. For example, you might use CHOICES, talk about the problem, think about why you get upset or what you would like to see happen, or listen to your child explain her ideas. This process may help resolve a situation that seems hard to handle on your own or one that requires your child’s cooperation to solve. Sometimes listening to the other person and understanding how he or she feels can help you understand that person’s behavior and thus lessen your feelings of anger. Summary SELF-CONTROL is the skill you use when you notice body messages that tell you that you could lose control.

39. The Fifth Skill  1. Watch and listen to your child.  2. Think of a word that describes what your child might be feeling.  3. Think about why your child might be feeling this way.  4. Check your ideas with your child. Outcomes  Children accept and understand their own feelings.  Parents understand and accept that children have a wide variety of feelings.  Parents show that they respect their children’s feelings. BHCS, LLC 201639

40. BHCS, LLC 201640 RESPECTING FEELINGS Steps 1.Watch and listen to your child. Pay attention to the child, his or her actions and words and body language. Notice the child’s face and listen to the sound of the voice. Actions may tell you more than words about how your child feels. Look for clues that tell you about feelings. If your child finds excuses not to go to school, has morning stomachaches, or will not talk about the school day but complains about the teacher, something is wrong. 2. Think of a word that describes what your child might be feeling. A child who says, “I’m never going back to school again,” may be angry, scared, or embarrassed. RESPECTING FEELINGS is learning to name the feeling, recognizing the emotion (shame, unhappiness, or loneliness) hidden behind the anger or frustration. One child who is feeling discouraged or scared may bully other children while another discouraged or scared child may act shy and quiet.

41. BHCS, LLC 201641 3. Think about why your child might be feeling this way. Figuring out why children have particular feelings requires detective work. Follow your hunches. Think how you would feel if the teacher seemed to be picking on you. Think how you felt when something similar happened to you. Think of the way your child handles similar situations. Try to remember how it felt to be the age of your child. Every age has its special challenges, and each child deals with growing up in his or her own special way. 4. Check your ideas with your child. You can use words to show understanding (“I see how angry you are right now”) or seek agreement (“Sounds like you are really disappointed because you wanted Billy to come over after school. Is that right?”). Don’t expect to guess the right feeling every time. Sometimes a child will be so upset that nothing you say will be helpful or right. At those times just being there to listen is all that is needed. Sitting with a child or giving a hug or a pat on the back communicates caring concern. This quiet support is an important step in the process of building a relationship, understanding a problem, or figuring out what to do next. RESPECTING FEELINGS is not intended to be a problem- solving skill. Giving children the opportunity to talk about strong emotions clears the air before making a plan to handle the distress. Summary RESPECTING FEELINGS is a skill you use when you notice your child has strong emotions.

42. Reunification and Parent Educator providers introduce each skill by naming it, noting when it might be used, and describing the results of its use for parents and children. Discussion is encouraged to clarify understanding of the skill, when and why to use it, and what benefits to expect. Each parent thinks of a situation in his or her own experience in which the skill can be used. Providers record these situations for use later in the meeting. The provider then presents the poster describing the skill and explains each step for using the skill. BHCS, LLC 201642

43. The modeling display, presented by Reunification or Parent Educator Providers after they have introduced a skill, is a brief role play demonstrating the use of the skill by depicting the behavioral steps. The steps are portrayed in the correct order in each vignette. The outcome of modeling displays is always positive for both parent and child. The most powerful influence providers can have is to show how use of a skill can develop a cooperative relationship between parents and children. Careful planning and practice prepare providers to present a modeling display in which the content is relevant to parents, clearly demonstrates the skill, and offers an outcome parents can believe in. BHCS, LLC 201643

44. Practice is the key strategy in teaching parents to use the new skill. Parents work with their own real-life situation and, with the help of the provider, experience success by role playing a positive resolution for that situation. Providers assist as needed to help parents overcome reluctance to role playing. Practicing in the session gives each parent a positive, concrete experience with each skill. BHCS, LLC 201644

45.  Feedback for parents after role plays is given by providers. Each parent is assigned to observe specific steps of the skill. After the role play the provider asks the co-actor (the person playing the role of the child) how it felt when the actor (the person playing the role of the parent) used the skill. Then parents are asked to describe how the actor carried out each step. Next the actor is asked how it felt to use the skill. Providers offer their comments and suggestions only after parents have spoken.  Friendly coaching should be specific and constructive. Descriptions of what behavior is observed and what is effective will be most helpful to the actor. The friendly coaches are respectful of the players, sincere about helping to improve the role play, and tactfully honest. Friendly coaching is an empowering process because it gives the parents responsibility for helping each other achieve success. Appropriate, successful use of the skill is reinforced for all participants during the coaching process. BHCS, LLC 201645

46.  Skill transfer is the process by which a parent begins to use the newly learned skill in real-life situations. Homework assignments are the key strategy by which providers can encourage parents to try the skills outside of the parent education session (during supervised visits or unsupervised visits, etc.).  Providers set clear expectations and do everything possible to encourage and motivate parents to use the skills at home or during Supervised Visits. At the beginning of the next meeting each parent describes his or her efforts to use the skills learned the previous week, and parents and providers offer friendly coaching. BHCS, LLC 201646

47.  All families have strengths.  Parents should be recognized as experts on their children.  Parenting training and education can have positive outcomes.  A variety of family forms can promote the development of healthy children and healthy adults.  Cultural differences are valid and valuable. BHCS, LLC 201647

48.  Ask about rules and expectations related to family visits  Find items to bring with you to your visit that your child will enjoy.  Arrange for your transportation to and from family visits (if needed)  Call ahead if you will be late or unable to attend a visit with your child  Follow the rules for your visit  Come on time and prepared  Do not bring other people to your visit without permission  Give child 100% of your attention (turn off cell phones) BHCS, LLC 201648

49.  If you are having a mental health crisis, ask for you visits to be postponed  Don’t use drugs or alcohol before your visit that would hurt the quality of your time with your child  Listen for feedback and ask questions about how to improve  Talk to your SW about any concerns you have about visits  Take care of yourself, visits can be difficult emotionally  Talk to a friend, SW, or therapist to debrief your family visit  Set goals for your next family visit/Plan an activity to do together ahead of time BHCS, LLC 201649

50.  Be honest about the feelings your are experiencing. Don’t waste time pretending things are fine or ignoring your feelings…be honest so you can get the support you need.  Try to separate your feelings from your child’s feelings. Your children are dealing with their own feelings that may be the same or different than your own. Ask them how they are feeling.  Find positive ways to deal with your feelings. Talk to other adults your trust, write, walk or exercise, relax, breathe slowly, focus on what you can do versus what you can’t control, learn a new skill or get supportive counseling.  Stay in control of your feelings so they don’t control you. If your feelings seem to be taking over and creating problems rather than helping you, ask your social worker to help find you a counselor to sort these things out. Emotions are a gift. They tell us what we need.  Let your children know that you are taking care of yourself so they don’t worry. Sharing strong emotions with children puts them in a position of taking care of the adult. No matter what their age or maturity, kids need adults to take care of themselves.  Many children feel guilty and blame themselves. Help them understand it is not their fault. BHCS, LLC 201650

51.  Ask questions about your family time. Get the information you need about when, where and what is expected at your visits.  Tell your children what you know. Tell them you love them. Your child might ask why they have to live in foster care or somewhere else and when they can come home. Answer as honestly as you can even if it means telling them you don’t have the answer yet.  Share information to help the foster parent care for your child. Giving your child’s foster parent information helps your child while they’re away AND when they return to you.  Get things in writing. You might have a lot of new information to keep track of; appointments, people, phone numbers, family visits, and more. Know what is expected of you. Get it in writing so there is no confusion.  Arguing with your social worker, Supervised Visit provider or foster parents can cause your children to get worried, upset or confused. Your child has to go home with the foster parent and needs you to help make this shift in a positive way. If you have concerns, talk with the appropriate person privately.  Blaming and/or threatening anyone will not help your children come home sooner.  Making promise that you can’t keep breaks your child’s trust. If you tell your children they are coming home and the social worker says they can’t, your child will be confused and not know whom to trust.  Write notes to your social worker and foster parents about your questions and/or concerns when talking about things isn’t working. BHCS, LLC 201651

52.  Know what is expected of you during your family visits. Are there things you should or should not talk about with your children? Are their specific goals you are being asked to work on with your children?  Plan your transportation so you can get to your family visit on time. Transportation is one of the biggest barriers parents report in getting to see their children. Plan ahead so your child is not left wondering why you did not come to see them.  Bring pictures or other things that are special to your child. Sometimes children worry about the things that were left behind while they are living in foster care. Having a picture of their family, a special blanket, a stuffed animal, or their favorite toy/game, can remind them that their family is still their family. Bring gifts for birthdays and holidays you celebrate at home but not to every visit.  Plan an activity to do together. Your family time is a great opportunity for you to play, talk and connect with your child. Think about what you enjoy doing together and bring the things you need or ask someone what is available for you to do at your visiting location. Planning ahead shows your child how excited you are to spend time together.  Think about how you might handle your feelings of meeting or talking with your child’s foster parent. Seeing your child come and go with another caring adult is hard. Your child might call their foster parent “mom” but remember YOU are still their parent. Children always need caring adults in their life, other than their parent. If you find you are having a lot of conflict with a foster parent, talk with someone who can help so your child will not feel stuck in the middle.  Have answers prepared for you child’s tough questions. Why is this happening? When can I come home? Why can’t I live with you? Why don’t you love me? Trying to answer these questions honestly will help your child feel less anxious. If you are struggling to find answers, ask your visit supervisor, counselor or social worker to help you get started. Oftentimes families address some of these questions in therapy as well.  Saying goodbye to your children will be difficult. No one is ever quite prepared for the difficulty of saying goodbye to his/her children after your time together. However, the ending is what your child will remember until they see you next…Keep it positive and know ahead of time what you will say. Know how you will manage your own emotions as well as your child’s feelings. BHCS, LLC 201652

53.  Ask your child what is happening at school and offer them help with homework  Work on problem solving activities such as puzzles, word games, card games that will help build skills they need to be successful at school  Make something together so they feel a sense of accomplishment and success  Cooking, crafts, drawing, building  Practice a sport together that your child might be involved in  Be open to talking with your child and listening to what they are thinking and feeling  Read a book together and take turns reading out loud BHCS, LLC 201653

54. BHCS, LLC 201654 Things for Parents to Consider in Building Connections with your Children During Family Visits  Be on time to see your children. Early is even better so your child sees you when they arrive.  Ask your child what they would like to do during your time together and give them choices  Ask questions about how and what they are doing during the week and listen to their stories,; for babies, hold them, sing to them, talk to them mimic their sounds, show them toys, read them books  Praise and encourage your child for things they are doing well  Answer questions they might have OR ask if they have questions for you  Talk positively about their foster family…even if it’s hard to find something good  Keep track of time and take a few minutes before the end to say goodbye and talk about when you will see each other next  Tell your child that you love and miss them. Try to smile as your child leaves.  Spend the visit talking to your children, not to your visit supervisor  Keep your child out of the middle when dealing with conflicts you have with another adult  Accept that you and your child’s foster parent might parent differently  Avoid talking negatively about your child’s clothes, their hair, or rules or routines in their foster home. Every home is different and your child will readjust to your rules and parenting style when they return to your care.  Asking children to keep secrets is confusing and keeps them from building or maintaining trust with anyone

55. BHCS, LLC 201655 Infants and Toddlers (Birth to 2 1/2 Years) Developmental Tasks The primary developmental tasks of infants include establishing a sense of trust in their environment and the people around them, forming an effective attachment with at least one primary parent who consistently and promptly responds to their needs, becoming comfortable with others who interact with them, and making their needs known through crying or other signals. Infants and toddlers need frequent contact with both parents and they do not cope well with numerous changes to their schedules or routines. At approximately six months, a child begins to make strong distinctions between primary caregivers and others, which may result in the beginnings of separation anxiety. Parents of infants begin to bond with their children and to recognize their children's signals regarding their need for food, comfort, sleep, and nurturance. As children grow from infants to toddlers, their developmental tasks include: an increasing sense of self-awareness the beginnings of a sense of independence the beginnings of speech development and an increasing ability to provide self-comfort and self-regulation in sleeping, feeding, and toileting. In addition, the parent's process of bonding with the child continues as children grow into toddlers.

56. BHCS, LLC 201656 Visitation Considerations Parents of infants should establish a visitation schedule that is consistent, predictable, and routine in nature. Depending upon the noncustodial parent's availability and care giving history, the noncustodial parent of an infant should have short (one to three hour) but frequent (two to three times per week) visitation during the day or early evening. As the child grows from infant to toddler and becomes more comfortable with separation from the custodial parent, the duration of visitation should increase. For parents who live far apart, the noncustodial parent of an infant or toddler should travel to the residential area of the custodial parent. This may mean that visitation takes place in the home of the custodial parent or in a nearby location where the child feels comfortable. It is important for parents of infants and toddlers to establish one nighttime caregiver. Overnight and extended visitation may not be appropriate for infants and toddlers. However, children who are able to make smooth transitions between homes, or who have older sisters or brothers to accompany them on visitation, may be comfortable with overnight and extended visitation. What Parents Can Do to Help Parents can help their infants and toddlers by: establishing a consistent, predictable, and routine visitation schedule. Interacting with the child in a location where the child feels secure and comfortable. Gradually increasing the duration of visitation. Moving to overnight and extended visitation only when the child is able to make a smooth transition between parental homes. Sending along personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the parent.

57. BHCS, LLC 201657 Preschoolers (2½ -5 Years) Developmental Tasks Preschoolers continue to increase their sense of individuality. They make significant gains in their verbal skills and become more likely to express their feelings. Preschoolers also develop a greater sense of curiosity and exploration, and increase their abilities to imagine and fantasize. Children at this developmental stage may think they are responsible for their parents' divorce or for their parents not living together. They fear abandonment and may fantasize that their parents will reunite. Their sense of security is affected by predictable and consistent routines. What Parents Can Do to Help Parents can help their preschoolers by: Establishing a consistent, predictable, and routine visitation schedule. Gradually increasing the length of visitation, working up to overnights. Sending along personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, and photos of the parent. Avoiding criticism about the other parent and others in the home.

58. BHCS, LLC 201658 Visitation Considerations Routine and consistent visitation schedules are very important. For parents who live far apart, it is usually best for the child if the noncustodial parent travels to the residential area of the other parent. This may mean that visitation takes place in the home of the custodial parent or in a nearby location where the child feels comfortable. During this stage, children may be comfortable with longer visitation periods, including overnights. For younger children, overnights should be limited to no more than one night per week. Older preschoolers may be able to have additional overnights and lengthier visitation. Assuming the child has an ongoing relationship with the noncustodial parent, vacation time may be appropriate. Weekend visitation that is increased gradually may help preschoolers to make the transition to an extended vacation time. Transitions are easier if children bring with them personal objects, such as blankets, stuffed animals, photos, or memorabilia of the parent. Because preschoolers have improved verbal and comprehension skills, it is important for parents to avoid speaking disrespectfully about the other parent or about others in the home.

59. BHCS, LLC 201659 Elementary School (5 -12 Years) Developmental Tasks Elementary school age children are learning to develop relationships and cooperate with peers and adults. At this age, children establish foundations for academic and athletic skills. Self-esteem, self-worth, moral development, and personal security are issues for this age group. Elementary school age children identify with and model the activities of the parent who is the same sex as the child. Children also become aware of their parents as individuals, often fear the loss of parents, and feel sadness and anger because of their parents' divorce or separation. Self-blame, depression, and attempts to reunite parents are not uncommon in this age group. Children need parental assistance in learning organizational skills. Visitation Considerations While many elementary school age children benefit from a primary home base, children at this stage of development can also benefit from spending longer periods of time with their noncustodial parent, assuming that they have developed and maintained a close relationship with that parent. Children of this age may be comfortable being away from their custodial parent on a regular basis for visitation lasting two to three days and for longer periods during school breaks and summer vacation. The more time a child has spent with the noncustodial parent, the more comfortable the child will be spending time away from the child's home base. For younger children of this age group, frequent visitation (at least once per week) with their noncustodial parent is desirable. As a child matures, longer visitation with fewer transitions may be preferred.

60. BHCS, LLC 201660 What Parents Can Do to Help Parents can help their elementary school age children by: Establishing and following a predictable visitation routine. Avoiding criticism about the other parent and others in the home. Encouraging and assisting in phone and letter contact with the other parent. Informing teachers of any stress the child is experiencing and getting help for school-related problems. Encouraging and assisting the child to maintain contact with school, friends, and extracurricular and community activities.

61. BHCS, LLC 201661 Adolescents (12 -18 Years) Developmental Tasks During the early stage of adolescence, children continue the process of establishing their identity and self-worth. Through this process, and with guidance from their parents, they establish a sense of self in relationship to the rules and regulations of society. Adolescents also begin the process of separating from their parents, during which they may mourn the loss of childhood, dependency, and protection within the family. During this stage, adolescents gain academic and/or athletic prowess, make and sustain friendships, continue the process of gender identification, and begin to explore intimate relationships. During the later stages of adolescence, young adults continue the process of establishing their independence. They continue the development of loyal friendships, begin to develop a work ethic, and begin to develop aspirations. Young adults also continue the process of gender identification and management of sexual impulses. Adolescents need the support and involvement of both parents. Adolescents may be embarrassed or angry about their parents' relationship. They may begin to have doubts about their own relationships with family members and peers, causing them either to focus too much on relationships or to withdraw from relationships. Adolescents may also inappropriately act out by using drugs or by engaging in sex or other unhealthy behaviors to attain a sense of belonging.

62. BHCS, LLC 201662 Visitation Considerations It is important for parents of adolescents to maintain the child's accessibility to school, peers, extracurricular and community activities from both homes. It is also important for each parent to consistently apply the family rules of their own household. Adolescents may need to be with friends more than with their family and, therefore, may resist a rigid visitation schedule. Parents will need to exercise greater flexibility, adapted to the increasing ability of the child to take care of his or her own needs. There will also need to be greater flexibility adapted to the child's preferences —an adolescent should not be forced to comply with a visitation schedule about which the child had no input. To accomplish this, parents should consider the child's wishes and decide visitation issues together with the child. Many adolescents benefit from a primary home base, with specific evenings, weekends, and activities at the other home scheduled on a regular and predictable basis. Other adolescents, however, may be comfortable spending equal time with each parent, including up to two weeks at each residence. Adolescents may be comfortable with one to three weekends of visitation per month, depending upon the child's schedule, distance, and capacity to travel. The noncustodial parent should maintain contact with the child's teachers and attend the child's performances and other important events. Parents who live far apart should establish, with input from the child, a permanent schedule with some built-in flexibility. What Parents Can Do to Help Parents of adolescents can help by: developing a visitation schedule by working with the child; Establishing a predictable schedule that is flexible enough to allow for the child's activities; Consistently applying family rules and expectations; and Avoiding the assumption that a child's mood swings or behavioral acting out is caused by the other parent

63. BHCS, LLC 201663