1. Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts
Mending a Shattered Heart & Facing Heartbreak
Introductions – Ask Audience what they would like to get out of this session
Let audience know Tony and I will present tasks and performables, Mari will bring the material to light with a case example

2. Common Questions from Partners
Will this get better? Is there hope?
What is disclosure?
How do I structure my boundaries?
What do I tell the kids?
Should I stay or should I go?
What are the 12 steps and what can they do for me?
Where do I get help?
Is my husband a pedophile?
Is my husband gay?

4. The course of recovery over time and the parallel path of the partner

5. The Six Stage Model Defined for Partners
Stages are fluid and often overlap
No specific time periods for each stage
Similar to addict stages

6. Stages of Recovery for the Partner
The Developing Stage (Pre-Discovery)
Crisis
Shock
Grief (Ambivalence)
Repair
Growth

7. THE COURSE OF RECOVERY OVER TIME
DEVELOPING STAGE
(Pre-discovery)
CRISIS/ Decision/ Information Gathering
SHOCK STAGE
GRIEF STAGE
REPAIR STAGE
GROWTH STAGE

8. THE DEVELOPING STAGE
Prior to learning partners behavior is an addiction
Can last months or more commonly years.
Partners either knew of the behavior or were completely “in the dark” re: illicit sexual behaviors
If a partner knew of behaviors, often would minimize, deny, blame themselves or join in the sexual escapades of the addict

9. The Developing Stage Believe tall tales.
Tolerate, normalize unacceptable behavior from the addict (verbal abuse, dependency, unavailability, mood swings, etc.).
Self- doubt (second-guessing, not trusting gut feelings).
Seek couples therapy to treat the relationship.
Unmanageability.

10. Crisis Stage Façade of addict has been exposed.
Catalytic event that causes partner to confront reality of the addiction
Information-seeking at its highest
Take action/ making decisions (e.g. sending to treatment, joining a 12-step group, read literature pertaining to sexual addiction, separation, file for divorce, seek information
Emotional turmoil

11. Typical Path of Disclosure
Deny everything
Disclose what you think you can get away with
Disclose a bit more
Get confronted as more things come out
Disclose all
(REPEAT!)

12. Shock Stage
Feelings and emotions occur as a result of the initial discovery/disclosure of the addiction
Emotional numbness or avoidance
Feeling victimized/ traumatized
Suspicious
Fear about slips, future
Feelings of despair
Anger (hostility, self-righteousness, blame, criticism)
Ruminating/ Distrust
Desire accountability/ disclosure from addict

13. Shock Stage Continued Partner
Disclosure of ALL previously concealed behavior is desired
Reasons cited:
To make sense of the past
To validate their suspicions
To gain a sense of control
To assess their risk of STD exposure
To assess their partner’s relationship commitment

14. Grief and Ambivalence Grieving losses. Feelings of depression.
Ambivalence about the relationship.
Increased introspection and focus on the self.
Less focus on the addicts behavior.

15. Repair Stage Introspection.
Decision-making stage about the relationship.
Deeper insight into possible co-dependency issues.
Family of origin themes examined and integrated.
Prior losses more fully grieved.
Increased strength and coping skills.
Boundary setting.
Emotional stability.

16. Growth Stage Decreased feelings of being victimized by the addiction.
Focus on issues not directly related to the addiction.
Awareness of your role in the dysfunction of the relationship increases.
Acknowledgement of gifts the addiction has brought to your life.

17. STAGE MIX IN RECOVERY Crisis/Decision Developing Shock Crisis/Decision
Growth
Developing
Repair
Shock
Grief
Crisis/Decision
Developing
Repair
Grief
Shock
Growth
3. Fifth Year
Crisis/Decision
Shock
Developing
Repair
Grief
Growth
2. Third Year
1. Early First Year

18. Trauma Survivor or Codependent?

19. Trauma model for partners
Research shows partners experience PTSD symptoms and symptoms of acute stress disorder post disclosure (Steffens and Rennie, 2006)
Sexual Trauma Model (Minwalla, Chapter 6 Mending)
More practitioners acknowledging partner’s experience as trauma

20. Trauma Model for Partners
“Relational Trauma” triggers a multitude of trauma responses:
Emotional Turmoil
Fear that manifests as protective behaviors
Obsessing about the trauma
Avoidance of thinking about or discussing the trauma
Intrusive thinking about the addiction or acting out behaviors
Sleeplessness/ nightmares

21. The Level of Trauma is influence by…
Amount of deception
Length of time of deception
Gaslighting/ covert emotional abuse
Type of acting out/ offending behavior
Exposure to the acting out
Public Embarrassment
Impact on the children
Impact on finances

22. Developing Therapeutic Alliance with the Partner
Validate Trauma
Typical “Joining” strategies
Allow for narrating of story and pain
Emphasize the importance of their own therapeutic process
Boundary work
Challenge cautiously – do deeper, more introspective work, after initial trauma symptoms have decreased
Abandonment, FOO issues, past traumas

23. Traditional Codependency Model
Approximately 50% of partners self-identify as “co-dependent”
Many partners will not want to be “labeled”, especially initially.
As therapeutic alliance grows may be able to challenge them more
Couples nicely with addict’s 12 step work – partner “works their own program”

24. Characteristics of Co-Addiction/ Co-dependency
Denial
Preoccupation
Enabling
Rescuing
Taking excessive responsibility
Emotional turmoil
Efforts to Control
Compromise of self
Anger
Sexual issues

25. Criticisms Trauma Model Codependency Model
Addict is “sick” and partner is “healthy”
Does not challenge partner to get out of “victim” stance
Does not challenge partner to take responsibility for their own behaviors
Codependency Model
Developed in Patriarchical Addiction culture
Pathologizes family members
Traumatizing to partners – when they feel misunderstood

26. Influence on Partner Sexuality
Relational Sexual Difficulties
Sexual Aversion
Sexual Shame
Body Image Issues
Sexual Secrets
Obligatory Sex
Broken Trust
to take PSS

27. Support for Partners Therapy Trauma work
Task Centered Therapy
Trauma work
Group support (facilitated group therapy)
Normalizes
Decreases Shame
Twelve Step Support
Spiritual Support
Family/ Couples work when appropriate
Bibliotherapy

28. Treatment for the Partner

30. Partner Tasks
Tony

31. The Seven Tasks for Partners
Cope with the Trauma of Discovery/Disclosure
Manage the Crisis
Develop a Plan for Support and Self-Care
Understand the Nature of Addiction
Deal with the Emotional Aftershock
Communicate Effectively about the Addiction
Create a Recovery Plan

32. Task 1: Cope with the trauma of discovery/ disclosure
Recognize the Trauma
Learn About the Toxic Dance of the Staggered Disclosure
Toxic Flow: The STEPS of Staggered Disclosure
Identify Lies and Misinformation
Identify Level of Trauma
Recognize the Difference Between Big (Big T) and Small (Small T) Traumas in your Life
Recognize Trauma Symptoms
Learn to Tell Your Story of What Happened

34. Task 2: Manage the crisis
Establish Safety
Create a Safety Shield
Set Non-Negotiable Boundaries
Set Healthy Emotional Boundaries
Set Healthy Physical and Sexual Boundaries
Set Healthy Boundaries for People, Places and Things
Develop a Communication Plan
Stef 13

35. Mari cover safety sheild – through slide 17 - 22

36. Stef

38. Task 3: Develop a plan for support and self care
Establish a Support System
Build your Support Network
Find a Therapist
Learn About Group Therapy
Get Involved in a Twelve Step Community
Create a Self-Care Plan
Find Other Methods of Self-Care
Practice a Relaxation Technique
Learn to Soothe
Tony

39. Task 4: Understand the nature of addiction
Learn key concepts about addiction in general
Learn about Sex Addiction
Learn about Addiction and the Brain
Recognize Current Beliefs About Addiction
Understand the Concept of Cross Addiction
Understand Criteria for Addictive Illness
Learn Risk Factors of Addiction

40. Task 5: Deal with the emotional aftershock
Identify your Emotions
Identify your Losses
Deal with Grievances
Manage your Pain
Cope with your Anger
Deal with the Shame and Guilt
Cope with Feelings of Numbness and Efforts to Distract
Deal with Confusion
Find Hope
Stef

44. Task 6: Communicate effectively about the addiction
Write a Partner Impact Letter
Identify Your Communication Style
Explore Communication Roles and the Karpman Triangle
Create a Communication Toolbox
Write a Letter to Sex Addiction
Identify Toxic Ineffective Communication Strategies and Coping Behaviors
Identify Hot Topics in about Sex Addiction in Your Relationship

45. Tony 36 – 38 Tony goes through impact letter in detail here

46. Mari

47. Task 7: Create a recovery plan
Personal Craziness Index
Complete Forgiveness Exercise
Complete Forge Ahead Exercise
Complete a Sexuality Survey
Understand Partner’s Impact on Your Sexuality
Create Sexual Affirmations
Identify Negative Beliefs About Your Body and Your Sexuality
Find Alternative Reactions to Destructive Behaviors
Stef

49. Stef – PSS

50. All

51. Thank you!