1. BULLYING and POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION
St. Perpetua School
Parent Education Series
October 22, 2009

2. Agenda Introduction of Counselor Positive Social Interaction
Social Development
Looking at Conflict
Bullying
Relational Aggression
Tools
Closing
Resources

3. Counselor Who I am/background What the counselor at St. Perpetua does
Contact information
Behind Café Perpetua, next to Mrs. Gainy’s office
Tuesday and Thursday 9:30-1:30 or by appointment
or x117
Introduction of topic
Personal
Fighting human nature
Striking a balance - empowerment

4. Positive Social Interaction

5. What we want for our children:
To have positive friendships
To get along well with peers
To feel empowered to stand up for themselves
To be respectful of others
To be empathetic
To be self confident
To be problem solvers

6. Positive Social Interaction
We want our kids to know how to:
Get along with all different types of people, different ages, ethnicities, religions
Deal with conflict
Demonstrate self-control, physically and verbally
Recognize appropriate ways to behave dependent on the situation (OK to run around at soccer practice, not OK at church)
Respect elders and people of authority
Not blindly accept information without judging and analyzing value
Avoid intimidating or hurting others

7. Friendship
Friendships are egalitarian. They are symmetrically or horizontally structured, in contrast to adult-child relationships, which are asymmetrically or vertically structured.
Friends are similar to each other in developmental status, engaging each other mostly in play and socializing.

8. Social Development

9. Social Development 5-7 years old 7-9 years old
May be anxious when separated from familiar people
Learning to cooperate
Talk about self and define self (likes, dislikes, tendencies, traits)
Can be hard on themselves
Better at sharing and taking turns
7-9 years old
Still show bursts of emotions
Judgmental and critical of self and others
Developing closer friendships
Self confidence increasing
Like tasks where they can be successful, dislike tasks that are risky where they might fail
Sensitive to criticism
Feelings dependent on how adults respond to them

10. Social development 9-11 years 11-13 years
Becomes preoccupied with the opposite sex
Relates to peer group intensely and abides by group decisions
Gives in to peer pressure easily
Does not want to be "different”
Likes to play in small groups
Confides constantly in best friend
11-13 years
Intense emotions and moodiness
Friends very important
Start to question adult authority
May define self by opinions, beliefs, values
Copy fads, belonging with peers is important
May be possessive with belongings and people close to them

11. Acceptance Children want to be accepted by their peers.
They want to be involved in all aspects of play and they seek out ways to fit in.
A primary question in a child’s mind is what do I need to do to fit in?

12. Conflict

13. Conflict can be good Teaches kids how to negotiate
Teaches them to stand up for themselves
Practice for being an adult and navigating conflict throughout life
Can help cement a belief or value
Teaches kids different perspectives and coping styles

14. Different Levels of Conflict
Bullying
Disagreement, not major, fairly easy to move beyond, not personal, incidental
Argument about minor issue that is important to child, usually not personal, child feels annoyed. Annoying behavior isn’t usually directed at another
Issue is usually more personal, feelings are hurt, duration of disagreement is longer. Intent can be malicious. You hurt me so I’ll hurt you.
Continual behavior to intimidate, domineer and control a weaker person
“I was in line first”
“You took cuts”
“You took the markers before I was done and I didn’t get to finish my project”
“You didn’t invite me to sit with you at lunch. I was alone and you didn’t help me”
“Nobody play with her because she can’t swim – she’s lame and wouldn’t be able to hang out with us in summer anyway”

15. Level 1 Conflict
Disagreement, not major, fairly easy to move beyond, not personal, might be an isolated incident
Ex: classmate took cuts in line
Solution: Ignore the behavior, don’t give it more attention than it warrants, consider how important it is to respond
Stand up for yourself if appropriate
Parent support: positively reinforce when your child says they ignored an annoying situation, or when they share they stood up for what was fair

16. Level 2 Conflict
Argument about minor issue that is important to child, usually not personal, child feels annoyed.
Ex: markers were taken so project was incomplete
Solutions: problem solve outside of the relationship – get more markers, look for a way to move beyond situation without engaging in argument
Stand up for yourself if appropriate
Parent support: positively reinforce your child’s ability to problem solve and find a solution or when they have stood up for what is fair

17. Level 3 Conflict
Issue is usually more personal, feelings are hurt, duration of disagreement is longer. Intent can be malicious. You hurt me so I’ll hurt you
Ex: a friend is excluded by friend at lunch
Solution: Speak up for yourself and explain why the behavior was hurtful. Use I message, don’t blame. Try to understand the other person’s feelings
Parent support: be supportive and caring of hurt feelings but try not to solve the situation or view them as a victim. Brainstorm with your child how to communicate and repair hurt feelings.

18. Conflicts
There can be elements of all these levels of conflict in one relationship.
Time spent together and intensity of relationship are important to consider.
Is the behavior neutral?
Is the behavior annoying?
Is the behavior antagonistic?
How much time do kids spend together?
How intense is the relationship?

19. Siblings are a good example
Consider sibling relationships and intentions of siblings.
Trying to carve out differences from one another
Trying to create space
Trying to understand power and abilities, ways to get attention and validation
There can still be an underlying element of love and/or camaraderie
Students are together a lot during the school day, year

20. 3 Ways to Help Conflicts Control your temper
Staying calm and polite makes it easier to resolve conflicts
Try to see the other person’s point of view
Switch sides with one another and argue the other person’s point
Seek out adults when you need them
If the argument is escalating and you don’t feel like you’re making progress, ask for help

21. Bullying

22. Bullying defined
To bully: to habitually badger and intimidate smaller or weaker people; to intimidate, domineer
American Psychological Association (APA)

23. What is bullying?
When a person or group tries to hurt or control another person in a harmful way
When there is a difference in power between those being hurt and those doing the hurting
When hurtful behaviors are repeated over time
Hurtful behavior that is intentional, the goal is to injure, control or manipulate someone

24. Types of Bullying Physical: punching, kicking, spitting
Verbal: name calling, threatening, teasing
Psychological: spreading rumors, excluding people from games and groups
Cyber: writing mean things on someone’s face book, ing embarrassing photos of people

25. Forms of bullying
Bullying can be physical, verbal, psychological, or a combination of these three.
Name calling
Put-downs
Saying or writing inappropriate things about a person
Deliberately excluding individuals from activities
Not talking to a person
Threatening a person with bodily harm
Taking or damaging a person's things
Hitting or kicking a person
Making a person do things he/she does not want to do
Taunting, teasing and coercion.

26. Aggressive bullies
An aggressive bully is seen as an individual who is belligerent, fearless, coercive, confident, tough, and impulsive.
This type of behavior typically comes from individuals who have a low tolerance for frustration coupled with a stronger inclination toward violence than that of children in general.

27. Passive bullies
Passive bullies rarely provoke others or take the initiative in a bullying incident.
As groups, the aggressive bully will instigate the bullying situation, the passive bully supports his/her behavior and/or begins to actively participate once the bullying begins.
The passive bully aligns with the more powerful and, relatively speaking, more popular, action-oriented aggressive bully.

28. Who is a target?
There's something that makes him stand out to the bully
Could be he walks differently, talks differently, behaves differently, clothes are different, parents are divorced or from another country, or even just his name is different.
She gets anxious or upset very easily.
He doesn't have as many friends and is often alone.

29. Signs of Bullying Reluctance to leave home.
Missing activities. Declining to attend extracurricular activities may be a sign that your child is being bullied.
Unexplained cuts or bruises.
Increased sadness or anxiety. Adolescents tend to be moody; however, a sudden increase in crying outbursts and anxiety levels could be the result of a bully.
Steadily decreasing academic performance. Repeated low scores, missed assignments, or comments from your child’s teachers about declining performance could be signs.

30. Psychological Bullying: Relational Aggression

31. What is Relational Aggression?
Calculated manipulation to injure or to control another child's ability to maintain rapport with peers
Creating networks of negativity around a target/victim
Manipulating how an individual is viewed by
Isolating them
Spreading rumors or lies about private lives
Revealing secrets
Creating situations of public humiliation
Leaves victims in a no-win situation because there is no forum to challenge the accusations

32. Girls and Boys & Relational Aggression
Girls usually differ from boys in the type of aggressive behavior they exhibit.
While boys tend to inflict bodily pain, girls more often engage in covert or relational aggression.
Girls tend to value intimate relationships with individual girls, while boys usually form social bonds through group activities (like team sports).
Aggressive girls often gain power by withholding their friendship or by sabotaging the relationships of others.

33. Relational Aggression (Cont’d)
Girls between grades 5-8 use relational aggression the most.
By high school, behavior is more direct and there is less competition between social groups

34. Why Relational Aggression?
To socially isolate the victim
Also increasing the social status of the bully
Perpetrators might be driven by jealousy, need for attention, anger, and fear of (or need for) competition.
One reason girls choose this type of bullying rather than more direct acts of harassment is that the bully typically avoids being caught or held accountable
Antidote to RA is journaling, writing out feelings and having an outlet to express what is actually happening

35. Tools

36. Tools Agenda:
Ways kids can stand up for themselves in conflicts and against bullies
What parents can do to support kids
When your child is a bully
What kids can do to prevent bullying
What St. Perpetua is doing

37. The power of the “I” message
I feel…..
When you….
Because….
Example: I feel sad when you don’t invite me to sit with you because I like hanging out with you.
Practicing helps kids stand up for themselves, articulate what they want and don’t want.

38. “I” Messages
Don’t attack, judge or cause annoyance like a “you” message
Can lessen some of the blame
Works to lessen defensiveness from other person
Gets to the heart of the conflict sooner
Everyone is clear on the cause and effect of behavior

39. “I” Message Adults use them all the time
I feel frustrated when it takes you so long to put your shoes on because being on time is important.
I feel concerned when you fret about doing your homework because I want you to be prepared.
I feel unprepared when you pop-in because I like to be ready for guests.

40. Conflict Resolution Technique
Tell the person what you didn't like
Tell the person how it made you feel
Tell the person what you want in the future
Person responds with what they can do
Giving kids ways to express themselves and stand up for what they believe is fair

41. Reporting behavior
When kids recognize they are being treated in a frightening, isolating way that hurts their feelings it is important they feel comfortable to report the behavior to a teacher, counselor or trusted adult.
It is equally important when students observe other students bullying another student, that they report the situation to a teacher, counselor or trusted adult.

42. Tattling versus telling
Tattling is telling on someone in order to get him in trouble.
Telling is reporting about someone to get him help.
Tattling is attention-seeking behavior, and the tattler is rarely 100% free of responsibility.

43. What Parents Can Do

44. Parents - What Not To Do:
"I haven't met a parent who hasn't wanted to run to her child's school and shake some kid who was mean to her kid (even though the parent has never done this). But one of the biggest complaints I get from kids is about parents who are meddling in their friendships. You can support your child through the tough times by lending a sympathetic ear without necessarily jumping to action."
Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Co-Author, Best Friends, Worst Enemies

45. What Parents Can Do: EMPOWERMENT
We want to empower our children to solve their own problems and to stand up for themselves
Reinforce when they share how they stood up for themselves or others
Celebrate when they have encouraged others to have better behavior (acted as a leader/didn’t join in)
Give attention and praise for their ability to be a supportive friend/classmate/teammate
Tell them you believe in them and their ability to solve a problem and stand up for themselves or others

46. What Parents Can Do: BE AVAILABLE Listen
Be someone your kids feel comfortable sharing tricky situations with
By sympathetic
Don’t minimize how important their feelings are - remember when school was all you cared about
Don’t jump in to solve their problem but help them brainstorm on ways to improve a situation
Know the difference between reinforcing the idea that they are a victim and when they need some real help*

47. How to Know the Difference
It is very hard to know if your child has an annoying classmate or if he is being bullied?
Ask your child about the situation, try to understand how the teacher responds, how other kids respond, how your child responds.
Set up a scale for you and your child to work from. 1=mildly irritating and 10=the behavior is hurtful, scary and personal and often.
Be in touch with teacher/school when necessary

48. How to Know the Difference
Observe your child’s behavior, mood
Watch for isolation – is your child seeing other friends, still engaged with other people?
Does your child stand up for himself? Does he stand up for others?
Is he afraid to go to school/or activity?
If you determine your child is being bullied, contact your child’s teacher or counselor /activity immediately. Steps must be taken to stop the intimidation and imbalance of power in the relationship.

49. What Else Parents Can Do:
Involve kids in groups outside the school (e.g. scouts, gymnastics, karate, skating, etc. etc.)
Talk about bullying and positive social interaction, how to treat friends and classmates
Give them diverse friendship circles, so that if a situation arises, there are alternate venues of support already in place
Have other supportive adults available, grandparent, aunt/uncle, older cousin, trusted friend or neighbor so they feel comfortable sharing what is happening in their lives

50. When Your Child is a Bully:

51. When Your Child is a Bully
Help your child understand what bullying is and how their behavior impacts others
Love and support them, even when you don’t love their behavior and choices (set boundaries/limits)
Work with them to get to the root of their need to dominate - are they feeling vulnerable?
Help your child understand the appropriate place to exercise power (sport, formal debate)
Encourage self confidence by positively reinforcing good choices and times when they are good friends
Consider their role models (idols, games, movies)

52. When Your Child is a Bully
Have conversations that explore relevant topics:
Spreading rumors
Telling someone’s secrets
Talking on the internet about someone
Rolling eyes when someone walks by
Whispering in front of someone
Picking on someone for how they look
Excluding someone from a group
Threatening not to play/spend time with someone
Taking someone else’s property (marker, cd)
Ignoring someone when they are approaching

53. What Students Can Do:

54. What Students Can Do:
Monitor their own behavior so they are treating others as they like to be treated
Recognize bullying does not usually occur without an audience
Bystanders should not reinforce the bully’s behavior by giving positive attention

55. What Students Can Do:
One-on-one interactions can be easier situations for victims to assert themselves in (not always but one-on-one can level the playing field)
Bystanders should speak up and say how much they dislike the bullying behavior or invite the victim to leave the scene with them
Use your voice and your power of persuasion in a positive way

56. What St. Perpetua is Doing:

57. What St. Perpetua is Doing:
Training teachers and staff on signs of bullying and relational aggression and ways to intervene
Considering anti-bullying curriculum to be taught to the whole school so kids identify and prevent bullying themselves
Having teachers and staff available to listen and support students
Staying on-top of social situations that arise at school and intervening

58. What St. Perpetua is Doing:
Having classroom presentations/discussions on friendship, bullying and positive social interaction
Giving students opportunities to interact with different grades and social groups so social isolation is harder to create (book club, Faith Families, student government)

59. Closing

60. Closing Know how to support kids when they encounter conflict
Understand how we as parents deal with conflict and what behavior we’re modeling
Believe in your kids abilities to problem solve and empower them to be strong
Be available if they need help strategizing
Provide them with resources (different social groups, other adults to confide in)
Embrace this loving, forgiving Catholic community
Questions/comments

61. Resources - People Your child’s teacher Me, the counselor
If needed, Mrs. Goodshaw
Coaches, dance teachers, youth leaders, etc.
There are lots of resources in the community to help you if you feel your child is being bullied or is a bully. I can connect you to them.

62. Resources - Books
Girl Wars, Twelve Strategies that Will End Female Bullying, Dellasega, C. & Nixon, C. (2003)
Odd Girl Out, Simmons, R. (2002)
Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and Other Realities of Adolescence, Wiseman, R. (2002)
Seven Years Seven Ways: Surviving Your Teen and Preteen Years, Bladow, C. (2007)
Books for younger kids:
The Recess Queen, O'Neill, A. (2002)
Stand Tall, Molly Lou Melon, Lovell, P., & Catrow, D. (2001)
Bootsie Barker Bites, Bottner, B., & Rathmann, P. (1997)

63. Resources - Links

64. Next Parent Education
Internet Safety including Cyber bullying Thursday, November 19, 7:00 PM