1. Marriages and Families: Changes, Choices and Constraints Seventh Edition Nijole V. Benokraitis Chapter Six

2. I Love You Man!! Love, both as an emotion and a behavior is essential to human survival. The family is usually our first form of love; it provides not only the necessary physical things to get by, but it also provides the necessary emotional support we need to grow up.

3. Self Love For Social Scientists, self love is an important part of self esteem. Friendship-a friend is someone for whom you feel affection and respect— you can count on them for assistance and they can count on you. Friends can even help you live longer, healthier lives.

4. Eight Important Qualities of Friendship—by Keith Davis 1. Enjoyment–friends enjoy being together. 2. Acceptance–friends accept each other the way they are. 3. Trust—friends trust and look out for each other. 4. Respect—friends respect each other’s judgment.

5. Eight Important Qualities of Friendship—by Keith Davis 5. Mutual Support–friends help each other without expecting anything in return. 6. Confiding-Friends share experiences and feelings. 7. Understanding–friends are sympathetic about each other’s feelings and thoughts. 8. Honesty–friends are open and honest. They feel free to be themselves and say what they think.

6. What about love? Love includes all of these qualities and three more –Sexual desire –Priority over other relationships –Caring to the point of self sacrifice Love, like friendship is a process that grows over time.

7. What is love? People sometimes make distinctions between loving someone—like a family member, Aunt, Uncle etc… Being “in love” for most people is different—this is about romantic love. Both types of love nonetheless are multifaceted, based on respect and are often demanding.

8. Attraction What attracts people to each other? Does everyone have “one true love”? Many cultural norms and values bring us together and it isn’t necessarily as “romantic” as it seems. We are influenced by all those around us especially our family when it come to who we “love”.

9. Love and Lust There is a distinct difference between love and lust. Psychologists Pamela Regan and Ellen Berscheid (1999) differentiated among sexual arousal (or lust), sexual desire, and romantic love. They describe arousal as a physiological rather than a psychological state. Sexual desire in contrast is a psychological state. Romantic love is an intense feeling that can provide ecstasy when fulfilled or deep suffering when the feeling isn’t reciprocated.

10. Love includes caring or wanting to help the other person. Caring means responding to the other person’s needs. Intimacy emphasizes feelings of closeness. Couples experience intimacy when they have shared history, an identity as a couple, emotional interest in each other, share hopes and dreams for the future (P.M. Brown 1995). Commitment is a person’s intention to remain in a relationship and work through any problems. It doesn’t necessarily mean marriage but it may lead to marriage. Caring, Intimacy and Commitment

11. Commitment continued –Mutual commitment can arise out of a sense of loyalty and fidelity to one’s partner, a religious or legal belief in the sanctity of marriage or a legal contract.

12. Theories about Love and Loving Biological theories maintain that love is grounded in evolution, biology, and chemistry. Some evolutionists and biologists see love as necessary to form long term relationships for the continuation of the species. They may see love short lived because it is a chemical reaction in the brain.

13. Theories about Love and Loving Sociological perspectives and some psychological theories claim that culture, not brain chemistry, plays the role of cupid. These theories include: Attachment Theory Reiss’s wheel theory of love Sternberg’s triangular theory of love Lee’s research on the styles of loving And Exchange theories

14. Attachment theory This theory proposes that our primary motivation in life is to be connected with other people because this is the only true security we will ever have. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth are researchers associated most often with this theory. Several studies have tracked attachment style from toddler hood through adulthood and have found that attachment styles can change over the life course regardless of a child’s early experiences.

15. Reiss’s Wheel Theory of Love Sociologist Ira Reiss and his associates have proposed a “wheel theory” of love, that generated much research for several decades. Reiss described four stages of love: Rapport; Self- Revelation; Mutual Dependence; and Personality Need Fulfillment.

17. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Sternberg said that love had three important components –Intimacy-encompasses feelings of closeness, connectedness and bonding. –Passion-leads to romance, physical attraction and sexual consummation. –Decision/Commitment-has a short and long term dimension. A couple makes a short term commitment to love each other which can turn into a long commitment to stay in love. –According to Sternberg, the mix of intimacy passion and commitment can vary from one relationship to another.

18. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love Love can vary from one relationship in which there is no love to another relationship in which all kinds of love are present.

20. Lee’s Styles of Loving John Lee developed one the most widely cited and studies of love. According to Lee, there are six basic styles of loving: Eros, Mania, Ludus, Storge,Agape and Pramga all of which overlap.

22. Exchange theory Social Scientists often describe love as a social exchange process. Romantic love and long term relationships involve exchange and negotiation.

23. Functions of Love and Loving Love Ensures Human Survival-by loving someone and being loved it ensures the survival of our species. Love Enhances our Physical and Emotional Health-Numerous studies have shown a connection between our emotions and our physical and emotional health and love is certainly one of those essential emotions.

24. Functions of Love and Loving Love Improves the Quality of our Lives- Love fosters self esteem. From a solid basis of love children can then go out and face the world with the emotional support of their families. Love is Fun-Love doesn’t appear out of nowhere, to get and keep love, one has be active and take some chances.

26. Experiencing Love Who is most likely to be in love? According to recent research it is men, between the ages of 30-49 and people who are married. Surprised? For most people caring, trusting, respect and honesty are central to loving.

27. Are men or women more romantic? According to research, men are more likely to fall in love quickly. Both men and women tend to link love and sex. Men can be very romantic, but not see love as necessarily leading to marriage.

28. Are Women or Men More Intimate? Men and women show intimacy differently. Women link intimacy with being held, cuddled and with communication. Men link intimacy with sex. For women, sex comes after intimacy, for men, sex is their way of expressing intimacy.

29. Same Sex Love Homophobia-is the fear and hatred of homosexuals—it has decreased in the past decade. Gay men and Lesbian women are more likely to openly display their relationships and feelings for one another. Breakups and all the relationship problems that heterosexual couples go through also haunt homosexual couples.

30. Barriers to Experiencing Love A number of obstacles can block our search for love. –Mass Society and Demographic factors-because we have become a media age, our face to face conversations and lives have changed. We no longer need to see people face to face to chat or even to purchase something at a store—we can do it online, which diminishes our chances of meeting people.

31. Barriers to Experiencing Love –The Double Standard-Our society still discriminates against women in the sense that if men have premarital sex it is OK, but if a woman does that she is labeled a tramp (or worse). –“Me First” Individualism-We are a me first generation. We want our own needs to be met first and then we are willing to meet the needs of others—a real relationship cannot be that one sided.

32. Barriers to Experiencing Love –Personality and Family Characteristics- Those around us have a large influence on who we are attracted to and with whom we have relationships. –We are responsible for our own relationships, but we still look to others for advice, especially family members, and when our family does not approve of our dating partner, it makes it more difficult to pursue that relationship.

33. When Love Goes Wrong Narcissists are people who have exaggerated feelings of power and self importance. They believe that they are unique. Narcissistic partners can be dangerous in an relationship. Depending of course, on the person, they may become intensely jealous over meaningless things and try to control the partner.

34. Jealousy Jealousy is a form of control of one partner over another. The person exhibiting the jealousy or control tries to isolate the victim by becoming jealous of every minute they spend doing something besides paying attention to them.

35. Are men or Women more Jealous? One researcher found that women and men are more jealous of emotional infidelity than of sexual infidelity. –This could be for two reasons: 1. They could blame themselves—maybe I wasn’t there enough for them 2. the see an emotional affair as ore threatening because it could develop into a long term relationship.

36. Jealousy and Stalking Some jealous lovers become obsessed and stalk their former lovers. Stalking behaviors include telephone harassment, following a person, threatening a person or their family or even now cyber stalking. Many women live in fear for their lives because the men they once thought loved them is being abusive.

37. Other Controlling Behaviors Threats of homicide or suicide, threats against family members or children, guilt trips, emotional abuse and physical abuse.

38. How Couples Change: Romantic and Long Term Love Long lasting love provides security and constancy. –Love usually starts as Romantic Love which is characterized by: Finding it impossible to do anything but think about that one person. Their moods fluctuate wildly. They find it impossible to believe that they will every love again. They fantasize about how their partner will declare their love. They care so desperately for the other person that nothing else seems to matter. They are willing to do anything for their beloved.

40. Love in Long Term Relationships Romance is just a stepping stone to long term love. Some characteristics of long term and romantic love overlap.

41. Love in Long Term Relationships Romantic love is fairly simple compared to long term love. Romantic love is often self centered whereas long term love is altruistic. Romance is typically short lived because love changes over time. Long term love grows and develops whereas romantic love is typically immature. Companionate love is more characteristic of long term relationships compared with passion and game playing in romantic love.

43. A Global View of Love The meaning and expression of love differ from culture to culture. Romantic love is an important component in marriage is about 89% of countries, whereas in some cultures kin ship ties take presidency over romantic love. In some countries arranged marriages still exist.