1. Styles of Communication

2. Every time we speak, we choose and use one of three basic communication styles: Assertive Aggressive Passive

3. Assertive Communication: The most effective and healthiest form of communication is the assertive style. It's how we naturally express ourselves when our self- esteem is intact, giving us the confidence to communicate without games and manipulation.

4. When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a win/win situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Surprisingly, assertive is the style most people use least.

5. Behaviours that express thoughts and feelings in an open, direct way. You ask straightforwardly for things you want, without putting anyone down. You give an honest "no" to things you don't want. You can accept "no" for an answer.

6. Examples: Speaks clearly and firmly using statements. Shows respect for self and for others. Makes steady eye contact. Uses an upright confident body posture and a pleasant, firm voice.

7. Examples Con’t Speech is honest, direct, to the point and you use "I" statements. Voice is clear, firm, pleasant and relaxed. You make direct eye contact without staring. You have an upright confident posture when you sit or stand

8. Result You may not get what you want, but you keep your self respect.

9. Aggressive Communication: Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger). Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met - and right now! Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship. Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaching strategies. Even war might be avoided if we could learn to be more assertive and negotiate to solve our problems.

10. Aggressive Communication: Behaviours that express thoughts and feelings in a threatening way. You may attempt to get your own way by using putdowns, threats or violating the other person's rights.

11. Examples: Interrupts, exaggerates, blames, makes demands; uses sarcasm. Makes glaring eye contact - cold, staring, narrowed and angry. Yells, swears, calls names, clenches fist.

12. Examples Con’t Ignores feelings of others. Voice may be tense, loud, harsh or cold and quiet. You may have a stiff rigid posture. You may be physically threatening (pushing, hitting, etc…).

13. Result: You may seem to get what you want, but, in fact, you stand to lose friends and self respect.

14. Passive Communication: Passive communication is based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs. In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat. Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed.

15. Passive Communication: Behaviours that do not express thoughts and feelings. You may give in and say "yes" when you don't really want to. You may not speak up when you want something.

16. Examples Hesitates, apologizes, gives in or says nothing. Makes little eye contact - your eyes may be downcast or looking away, frowns. Speaks in a shy or timid voice, or mumbles You may have a slumped posture with shoulder and head down and with shifting body movements.

17. Result: You usually do not get what you want and you feel like you've been used.