1. PACS 3700/COMM 3700 Communication & Conflict Management Sept 10, 2014 Conflict Communication

2. Announcements: Please get online textbook vouchers in—they are needed by next week! – If you haven’t turned one in yet, you can buy it, take a picture of it, and send me the picture by email. Then give me the actual piece of paper next week.

3. Announcements: Complete Tom Sebok handout linked to course schedule page. Tom’s lecture and his handout will be on the first midterm!

4. Assignment #2 Actually USING Active Listening & I messages TWO appropriate conversations (at least one conflict) Do sometime from now on (not in the past) Due 9 am Oct. 13—but don’t leave it to the last minute!

5. Assignment #2, cont. Write a 1-2 page report on what happened for each (2-4 pages total) – Describe what the situation was (briefly) – What you did (so I can tell if you used the techniques properly) – What happened – How it felt (natural, unnatural, challenging [how]) (Exact questions are on the assignment details on D2L. Be sure to read those!)

6. For all assignments: Format in MS word, rtf or pdf. NOT pages!! Put your name and assignment number on the filename (burgess-A1.docx) Put your name on the first page of the document also. Put both reports in the same document (2 stories, but one file to open) Turn into dropbox and get a receipt!

7. Questions?

8. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication Question: What were your “take aways” from Tom’s presentation?

9. Bad conflict communication is “natural” Good conflict communication can seem awkward, hard, even inappropriate. Good conflict communication takes lots of practice and continued vigilance. (Like playing tennis.) Is it worth it? Look at the alternatives! The things that resonated most with me were:

10. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication Other key points: The goal of effective conflict communication is to make it safe to disagree. Watch out for “banana peels.”

11. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication From past years…did he say it this time? The only person you can change (reliably) is yourself. So if you want to change the outcome, then change yourself – the way you think about the problem, – the way you respond to the problem – and your response MIGHT change the other person’s response.

12. But the key is: Focus on YOUR behavior first, EVEN WHEN THEY are the problem!

13. Continuing on w/ Tom’s handout… I-statements (messages) and You-statements (messages. What are they? Do they always start with the word “I”? What are the advantages of I-statements? – Disadvantages?

14. I-statements What are some “banana peels” of I- statements? Practice – see exercise on page 5. Then try again with the scenario on page 4.

15. Describe the Gap Another “three part” technique. Used when expectations are not fulfilled. 1.Start with the facts about what was expected. 2.Describe what actually happened or didn’t happen. 3.Ask an open-ended question about why things didn’t go as planned.

16. Can combine w/ 3 part messaging to create “4 or 5-part messaging” Part 4 – Describe the impact on you (using an I-statement) Part 5 – Make a request…how would you like the situation fixed? Practice with scenario on page 6.

17. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication Strategies to know: – Active listening (also called empathic listening) – I-messages – 3-part messaging (facts, impact, request) – Describing the [expectation] gap (expectation, facts, explanation of what happened—or sometimes, solution.) PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication

18. Things to know about each skill: – What they are – How and why they are used – Advantages, disadvantages – When to use them – When NOT to use them – Other caveats (Tom calls them “banana peels”)

19. In groups of 2, fill out this chart SkillAdvantagesDisadvan- tages When UseWhen NOT use Active Lis. I-messages 3-part mess. Des. Gap.

20. Neal Katz’s diagram of active listening traps. Active Listening “Banana Peels”

21. – Other person doesn’t care about what you think. – It comes off self-centered, uncaring about the other. – Can be interpreted as manipulative. How do you avoid these? I message “Banana Peels”

22. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication “Banana Peels” for Gap – Phrase facts as “you message” – Accusatory “what happened” – Sometimes – if you’re in crisis situation because of someone’s failure to keep a promise, etc., finding out the answer to “what happened” is less crucial than solving the immediate problem. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication

23. More on three part messaging: Mary Rowe suggests writing a letter (or email). 11. What are the advantages of this? 12. Disadvantages? 13. What about conflict (resolution) by phone? (Advantages/disadvantages) 14. Text? (Advantages/disadvantages) PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication

24. PowerPoint Summary of: Conflict and Communication The “Four Horsemen” Comm & Con Exercise Part III 1.Can you think of any examples where someone has used one or more of these communication modes against you? (Describe in 1 or 2 sentences) 2.What was your response? 3.Can you think of a time YOU used one of these modes? What was the result then? 4.Can you think of another approach that might have worked better?

25. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication Practice Exercise 4: You walked into the kitchen in the apartment you share with two other roommates and noticed that Chris left her/his dirty dishes (now being marched all over by a battalion of ants) on the kitchen counter – despite an agreement among all three of you that dirty dishes would be put in the dishwasher. 1)Respond with one or more of the 4 horsemen. Play that dialogue out. 2)Use one of Tom’s strategies for good conflict communication and play that one out. 3)Compare. 4)What are impediments to doing #2 in real life? PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication

26. MORE PRACTICE EXERCISES: Initiating discussion about YOUR concerns... 2.You are upset that your roommate has been borrowing your clothes. Although you aren’t certain, you thought your Roommate Agreement covered that topic but s/he has been borrowing your clothes without asking. Use an I Statement or Open-Ended Question to raise this concern with your roommate. PowerPoint Summary of: Improving Conflict Communication

27. PowerPoint Summary of: Conflict and Communication Useful Link How to Stop Fighting A Seven-Step Tutorial for People Involved in Relationship Conflicts http://stop- fighting.crinfo.org/special_projects/stop_fi ghting/index.jsp http://stop- fighting.crinfo.org/special_projects/stop_fi ghting/index.jsp