1. The Basics of an Essay Shane Lyons Jennifer Johnston Cori Chapin Ryan Knapp

2. Thesis Statements Needing Improvement “Machiavelli has a more optimistic point of view as opposed to the one-sided opinion of Hobbes.” "While the Iroquois Constitution uses symbols to represent the punishments brought upon for the poor/ wrong actions, the U.S. Constitution is more straight forward in its laws for the U.S."

3. Our Best Thesis Statements When compared with the United States Constitution, the Iroqouis Constitution has several similarities and differences. The Iroqouis Constitution speaks of a Council of Fire which resembles the House of Representatives and thr Senate. In each Constitution it also states that at least all men are created equal. However, in the Iroqouis Constitution there are sections that basically forbid civil war; and others that give women rights. The U.S Constitution could say no such thing at the time. Unfortunately, as time has passed it is obvious that Hobbes' view is too simple and leaves out many variables of what humans are capable of. Therefore, Machiavelli's more complex view of human nature, as it incorporates multiple factors and variables, is more accurately expressed in today's society.

4. Topic Sentence In Relation To Thesis Topic Sentence In the Iroqouis Constitution, the Council of Fire represented America's Houses of Congress: The House of Representatives and the Senate. Tip It would be better if the topic sentence wasn’t a copy of what is in the thesis. It is more beneficial for the thesis to have mentioned their similar government structure and to have saved the specific example for the body. Thesis When compared with the United States Constitution, the Iroqouis Constitution has several similarities and differences. The Iroqouis Constitution speaks of a Council of Fire which resembles the House of Representatives and the Senate. In each Constitution it also states that at least all men are created equal. However, in the Iroqouis Constitution there are sections that basically forbid civil war; and others that give women rights. The U.S Constitution could say no such thing at the time.

5. Topic Sentence In Relation To Thesis Topic Sentence In each way, the Iroquois Constitution and the United States Constitution have similar goals to accomplish for their reasons in writing the constitutions Tip The thesis shows how the two Constitutions are similar but it never hints to the reader that you will not only compare their structures but also their goals Thesis "While the Iroquois Constitution uses symbols to represent the punishments brought upon for the poor/ wrong actions, the U.S. Constitution is more straight forward in its laws for the U.S."

6. Topic Sentence In Relation To Thesis Topic Machiavelli’s ideas on free will have been shown from his time up until today. Tip This is a strong topic sentence because it discusses the topic in today’s society and relates it to history as well. It would have been even better if he had used more specific details when he mentions “free will” Thesis Unfortunately, as time has passed it is obvious that Hobbes' view is too simple and leaves out many variables of what humans are capable of. Therefore, Machiavelli's more complex view of human nature, as it incorporates multiple factors and variables, is more accurately expressed in today's society.

7. Worst Paragraph In the Iroqouis Constitution, the Council of Fire represented America's Houses of Congress: The House of Representatives and the Senate. The place where the Council of Fire met closely resembled a courtroom. In each constitution it states that all men are created equal. Each man of either race has his rights from the minute that he is born. Basically, each Constitution has a Bill of Rights. Between the constitutions the differences overshadow the similarities. Thesis When compared with the United States Constitution, the Iroqouis Constitution has several similarities and differences. The Iroqouis Constitution speaks of a Council of Fire which resembles the House of Representatives and thr Senate. In each Constitution it also states that at least all men are created equal. However, in the Iroqouis Constitution there are sections that basically forbid civil war; and others that give women rights. The U.S Constitution could say no such thing at the time.

8. Why is it bad? Starts out with good correlation to the thesis After the topic sentence the details in the body are confusing, not explained well, and do not make a point. To make it better each idea needs to be explained with much more details as to why it is a similarity in comparison to the two Constitutions

9. Best Paragraph 1 st half of paragraph Machiavelli’s ideas on free will have been shown from his time up until today. Machiavelli believes that fortune controls half of human actions and leaves the other half to free will. He believes that humans have the power to shape their destinies to a degree, but equally believes that human control over events is never absolute. This belief is showing up big time in today’s society. As the 2008 election approaches the candidates are doing all that they can to gain support. Thesis Unfortunately, as time has passed it is obvious that Hobbes' view is too simple and leaves out many variables of what humans are capable of. Therefore, Machiavelli's more complex view of human nature, as it incorperates multiple factors and variables, is more accurately expressed in today's society.

10. 2nd half of paragraph Specifically Mitt Romney, a Mormon candidate, has been giving speeches and trying to convince the public that his religion will not govern his presidency. It will become evident as the election passes if all of his campaigning will get him to his goal. Romney’s situation is a perfect reflection of Machiavelli’s idea of free will. Romney is using his free will to campaign for his presidency. However, fortune will decide whether or not he is elected. As Machiavelli said, human control over events is never absolute; this includes Romney.

11. Why is it good? It brings in examples from today’s current events which is exactly what he outlines to do in his thesis. With the examples each is explained thoroughly and it has a specific point being given.