1. Beth Murphy Beams Center for Nonviolence

2. Survey of Audience Overview of these two workshops: 1. Building on plenary discussions from this conference, how can we bring the vast range of sexual abuse into focus for developing curriculum for men who batter? 2. Discuss ways to facilitate a process of personal change toward sexual respect.

3. Individual acts of sexual abuse in a relationship take place within a context of…  Masculine socialization in our society is a foundation to individual sexual abuse  A culture of pornography and sexualization of women is the backdrop for individual sexual abuse

5. We can organize all of the information about our culture and men’s sexual abuse tactics into a clear listing. We can develop curriculum around what we know about tactics of sexual abuse

6. 1. Jealousy, isolation: how she looks, dresses, who she talks to, male friends 2. Using unfaithfulness, pornography, comparing her to other women, comments about other women 3. Sexual expression all on his terms: --No foreplay --Causing discomfort, pain, humiliation --If she doesn’t enjoy, she must be cheating/frigid

7. 4. Use of language that is demeaning, infantilizing, or sexualizing ordinary behavior 5. Disrespect in front of others; telling sexual secrets; sexual touching in inappropriate environments; coercive participation in nude photography 6. Obligatory sex after disagreements, abuse 7. Constant pressure to have sex; criticism of her sexual performance 8. Disrespecting boundaries about use of birth control/protection

8. (APPOINT SOMEONE TO TAKE NOTES AND REPORT BACK)

9.  How can we get our group participants to wake up to the reality in our culture of sexual abuse that we have been learning about in this conference?  How can we get participants to recognize their own sexually coercive behavior?

11. Beth Murphy Beams Center for Nonviolence

12.  How can we get our group participants to wake up to the reality in our culture of sexual abuse that we have been learning about in this conference?  How can we get participants to recognize their own sexually coercive behavior?

13. …We will address: How can we engage batterers in a process of personal change toward sexual respect?

14. BRAINSTORM EXERCISE

15.  Most men have never had a conversation about sexual respect  Men can lapse into “church mind,” out of shame or a belief that sexual respect is only a moral issue  Men can subvert group process with laughter and bawdiness  A high percentage are wounded with childhood sexual abuse and sexual addiction

16.  To engage batterers in a process of personal change toward sexual respect?  To help them take into account the cultural context of sexual abuse? (Break-out groups or Open Forum)

17.  A go-round on “What is Sexual Respect?”  The “Synonyms for ‘Woman’” exercise.  Think about the order of focus:  Consider beginning with respect, so set strength- based group energy and normalize the good  After descending into abuse, return to non- abusive alternatives

18. Beth Beams Center for Nonviolence Fort Wayne, IN bbeams@centerfornv.org 260-456-4112

19.  Words are verbal signals.  Words express beliefs that drive actions.  Language not only describes our experience but language has a powerful role in shaping how we view the world.

23.  Boroditsky describes words as filled with potential.  “Knowledge batteries” unleashing a great deal of power when heard or read.  A lot of our identity can be attached to the language, the words, we master and use.  Language is a primary way we make connections to one another.

25.  You Bitch  You whore

27. WERE CONTRIBUTED BY MEN IN ONE SESSION OF ONE BIP GROUP. WE ASKED THEM TO KEEP DOING “GO-ROUNDS” UNTIL NO ONE COULD THINK OF ANY MORE “SYNONYMS” FOR THE WORD “WOMAN”

28. DID NOT INVENT THESE WORDS

29. RANDOM SAMPLING OF MEN’S SYNONYMS FOR “WOMAN”

30. DAUGHTER CUNT

31. MOTHER PIECE OF TAIL

32. SISTER CUM BUCKET

33. GRANDMOTHER GILF SLUT

34. BITCH WHORE WITCH CUNT TRAMP BI-POLAR SKANK CUM GUZZLER THE WARDEN LOVER THE BOSS THE DEVIL PIG DUMBASS FAT COW STRIPPER HOSE HOUND DOG HOOTCHIE GRENADE BIMBO PIECE OF TAIL STUPID ASS BLONDE

35. Chic Dame Cunt Bitch My Girl Tomato Borod Whore Hooker Dyke Whore Pumpkin Sleazy Shorty Honey Sweetie Bimbo Trick Trash Fat Baby Mama Sweet Pea Psycho Bird Jackass Hootchie Gold Digger Cock Sucker Other half Toots

37. Lass Skeezer Dog Ma Evil Loser Crotch Waffle Bam Cum Bag Camel Toe The devil Saddle bag Motor mouth Fat ass bitch Madam Moose knuckle Wolf Wave Cupcake Battle ax Nagger Old nag Crack whore Slimy Gutter trash Hot pants Fat hole Fatso Cougar Kitten

39.  “I REMEMBER THE DAY MY DAUGHTER WAS BORN…….”  “I SWORE SHE WOULD NEVER NEED TO BE AFRAID BECAUSE I WOULD BE THERE TO PROTECT HER.”  “ HER MOTHER AND I COUNTED HER FINGERS AND TOES, I KISSED EACH ONE, I WAS A PROUD DADDY”

41. Mamacita Ball n chain Stripper Tiger Dick tag Pussy Kat nasty Georgia peach Dummy LBFM Madame Belle The wife The warden The queen Fattie Queen bee Pig DHZ/DHSY Airhead Mama Princess Del taco Cum guzzler Snookum's Sweet thing Nazi

43.  BALLBUSTER

45.  WHY AREN’T YOU QUIET?

46.  WHY AREN’T YOU DEAD  WHY AREN’T YOU DEAD?

48.  An abuser always needs language to justify the abusive harmful behavior.  With language, he presents himself as the victim, the powerless person.

50. “OLD LADY” “BOSS” “WARDEN” “BALL AND CHAIN” “OLD LADY” “BOSS” “WARDEN” “BALL AND CHAIN”

51.  If the group you were running was encircled by women----what would you need to remember as a facilitator to make them feel safe ?

52.  Brainstorm/sharing what we take back to our work form this discussion.