1. Chapter 6: Emotion in Families
Emotional intelligence
Emotion-Coaching
Male/Female: Different emotional styles
Biological differences
Positive/Negative affect and marriage
Emotional extremes
The abusive personality
Nurturing healthy emotional connections
Murray Bowen

2. Upstate
Review: Determinants of Emotional Makeup (from previous chapter)
Three things to examine
1. Emotional philosophy
Emotion-dismissing
Emotion-disapproving
Laissez-faire
Emotion-coaching
2. Emotional history: love & affection, anger, sadness, & fear.
3. Emotional vulnerabilities: loss, betrayal, mistreatment, abuse, trauma – creates sensitivities

3. Upstate Emotions Can a couple create a healthy emotional climate?
Success depends on how couples handle the emotional part of their lives.
Can they be emotionally __________?
What is emotional intelligence?

4. Emotional Intelligence
Upstate
Emotional Intelligence
Has __________________. Can monitor feelings, knowing from moment to moment their emotional experience
Deals with emotions in _________ ways – ways that are _____________________
Uses emotions as ________________
Reads the emotions of others. Is sensitive to other’s feelings, shows _______
Knows how to manage emotions so relationships _______

5. Upstate Why is it so difficult to manage emotions in the home?
1. Strong feelings
2. Close proximity
3. Husband/wife differences
4. Parent/child differences
5. Lack of _______ / poor training/unhealthy childhood experiences
Some parents are emotion coaches.

6. Upstate
Are aware of child’s ________. Empathize with child’s feelings even in low intensity sit.
Times of emotional expression- opportunities for __________________
Sensitively _____ to child’s emotional expression and are __________
Help child find appropriate words for _______ emotions
Help child ______________ and ____________

7. Male/Female Different Emotional Styles
Upstate
Male/Female Different Emotional Styles
By 2nd grade boys/girls play apart
Boys – aggressive games
Girls: quieter games, intimacy/talk important
Boys: disagreements don’t stop game.
Girls: interact, share feelings & intimate experience
Disagreements - game may stop
Girl hurt – friends give support

8. Upstate Girls: Share feelings and intimate experiences
Boys suppress emotions
Girls – better at expressing feelings and navigating emotional waters
Males see emotional expression as weakness.

9. Biological Differences
Upstate
Biological Differences
______ more difficulty recovering from highly emotional experiences
_______ recover more quickly, perhaps cry or talk things out
Research: __________ heart rate and blood pressure elevate more quickly, rise higher, and stay elevated longer in response to marital conflict
Leads to ____________________________
Wife’s response …
Difference may originate in autonomic NS

10. Positive/Negative Affect (Emotion) in Marriage
Upstate
Positive/Negative Affect (Emotion) in Marriage
Concept of steady state/thermostat
the __ to __ ratio in healthy conflict discussion
Unhealthy marriages - ratio more like __ to __
Remember: Couples gravitate to their __________
What influences where thermostat is set? It is…
what partners bring to interaction –sometimes this is called ________.

11. Upstate What partners bring …
Feelings/memories relating to ______________ with spouse (+/-)
Feelings/thoughts/learnings originating in other past experiences- not marriage related: childhood, work, etc.
How interaction will go depends on…
what each spouse brings to the interaction
Partners headed for divorce …bring
more ________ affect to interactions
Stable couples influence toward ________
Unstable couples influence toward _________
Escalation of negativity (Gottmann)

12. Other differences between stable/unstable couples . . .
Upstate
Other differences between stable/unstable couples . . .
Stable couples: hear and respond positively to _____________. Correct the imbalance
Unstable couples did neither. Although they too made repair attempts
What determined whether repair attempts were successful?
What partners _______ to the interaction
If they brought strong, marital _________ and ______ repair worked.

13. Apathetic Marriages: When Emotions Go Dead
Upstate
Apathetic Marriages: When Emotions Go Dead
Absence of positive affect - emotionally dead
Suppressed negativity that hides tension and sadness
Do not even seem to be friends
Lead parallel lives
No attempt to soothe each other
Don’t feel entitled to their complaints
Determined to adapt
Why stay together?

14. Violent Marriages: Emotions Out of Control/Domestic Violence
Upstate
Violent Marriages: Emotions Out of Control/Domestic Violence
Jacobson and Gottman’s research . . .
The cobras and the pit bulls
Cobras in conflict discussion – immediate _____ but lowered _________, hostile/violent in other settings, encouraged partner’s ____________, shunned _______
Pit bulls: ________ anger and heart rate increased; insecure, jealous, isolate & attempt to control wives
Both types refused to be _________ by their wives &
wives could not easily predict when abuse would occur.

15. The Abusive Personality
Upstate
The Abusive Personality
Three types of batterers (Dutton)
The over-_________ abuser
The psychopathic abuser (cobras)
The cyclical/emotionally volatile abuser (pit bulls)
3 cyclical phases for c/e. v. abuser (Walker)
Tension-_______ phase – aversive arousal-the ____ tape, projects _____ on wife- her fault
Acute battering phase – goal to terrify and humiliate, wife is __________, release of pent up tension is pleasurable, ________, p. 178
Contrition phase – often seek to _____; wife now referred to as wonderful - ________ figure

16. Upstate Characteristics of c/e.v. …
Symptoms: _____ – sleep disturbances, depression, anxiety, hypersensitive, numbing to past
Dutton research about home background:
Cold, harsh, abusive, violent father who _______ child – belittling, attacking a person for being a person
Mother not providing nurturance for secure _________
Direct experience of emotional and physical abuse in the home
A Word of Caution, p.182
Abusers could not _____________ (a.i.) from wives; must be in control. Gottman wondered:
In non-violent marriages is inability to a. i. by husbands predictive of divorce?
Finding: refusal to a. i. & escalating negativity by husbands greatly increased likelihood of divorce.

17. Nurturing a Healthy Emotional Connection
Upstate
Nurturing a Healthy Emotional Connection
The bid – an attempt to connect __________ with your partner
Ways of responding to bids:
Turning ______ partner/positive response to bid
Turning _______ partner/sarcastic, hostile, derogatory
Turning _____ from partner/ ignore, being preoccupied
Behaviors that build emotional connections:
Positive attention rather than inattention
Soft ______ rather than harsh startup, ( p.186)
Complaints rather than ________, (p. 186)
Take a break when flooding occurs
Be positive—look for good
Don’t avoid certain conversations

18. Upstate
Other Advise
Understand personality in relation to emotions/Panksepp-emotional command centers: C-in-C, Nest-builder, Sensualist
Understand how past influences present
Learn communication skills
Discover dreams and find shared meanings in rituals (we-ness).

19. Upstate Bowen Theory Murray Bowen Two opposing and powerful forces:
The push toward ________ (to be separate)
The push to be _________________________
Differentiation: 1) to develop a healthy individual ____, separate from others and
2) an ability to separate intellect from _______.

20. Upstate High Differentiation High Fusion
Able to separate intellect from emotion
Able to pull back in emotional situations and use intellect
Have strong sense of identity and a solid self - secure
Can become emotional but does so by choice
Easily overwhelmed by their emotional system
Emotions take over
Cannot differentiate intellect from emotion
Trouble differentiating themselves from others - insecure
Intrusive and overbearing in close relationships
Note: Differentiation relates to a person’s ability to
Separate intellect from emotion
Develop an individual self separate from others.

21. Upstate
Distinction between basic fusion/differiation and functional f/d
Basic f/d –____-term, ability to break away (differentiate) from _____________
Functional f/d – is _______ specific and _____ term; emotions dominate (out of control emotionally)
What is your basic level of f/d?
What is your functional level of f/d?.

22. The Family - an Emotional System
Upstate
The Family - an Emotional System
Emotional tone: Positive/negative: healthy/unhealthy
If emotional tone unhealthy – child has trouble differentiating a solid self
Bowen: members get ______ into the family’s emotional system like a magnetic field
Multigenerational transmission principle
What creates emotional tone? Examples.

23. Upstate 1. One person wants to control
2. Someone in family is hostile,aggressive
3. Unhealthy family rules
4. The Brice family - it just happens, perhaps because of the tension in spousal relationship and inappropriate rules
Remember, positive ET –healthy outcomes; negative ET – unhealthy outcomes

24. Separateness and Togetherness in Couple Relationships
Upstate
Separateness and Togetherness in Couple Relationships
How similar are partners in desire for separateness/togetherness?
Continuum
Separateness
Differentiation
Individuation
Togetherness
Fusion

25. Disharmony in Separate/Togetherness
Upstate
Disharmony in Separate/Togetherness
1) One partner accommodates to relieve ______ and preserve harmony
2) Both partners may resist ___________ - live in conflictual relationship
3) Partners may _______ emotionally, disengage
4) Both partners may __________
Each of these may have limitations,
leading to frustration, resentment, emotional distance, even more tension
Chronic anxiety –

26. Upstate Uneasiness exists for long periods of time
Like termites eating away at the structure of a house
Principle: When chronic anxiety exists, family members struggle to _____
One way of adapting - the ________ triangle (triangling).

27. Upstate
Triangle - created when two parts of a family system are in ______
and they focus on something else (triangle in) as a way of gaining ________________ problem
What can be triangled in?

28. Friedman’s Laws of Emotional Triangles
Upstate
Friedman’s Laws of Emotional Triangles
1. A conflictual relationship is kept in balance by the way a third party relates to the two person dyad 2. If one is the third party, it is usually not possible to bring about constructive change in the relationship 3. Attempts by the third party to change the conflicted pair are usually not only ineffective, but often make things worse.

29. Upstate
4. When the third party tries to change the other two, he/she ends up with the stress 5. Change is always resisted by homeostatic forces in the system 6. One side of the triangle is always more conflictual than the other 7. We can only change relationships to which we belong.

30. Some Suggestions Regarding Triangles and Fusion
Upstate
Some Suggestions Regarding Triangles and Fusion
Find ways to avoid chronic anxiety by dealing with long term resentments,anger
Deal with unfinished business
Ask: Do rules need to be changed?
Avoid triangling if possible
If you are not fairly well differentiated get help in dealing with insecurities and with the development of a strong sense of self.