1. Love and Intimacy
Chapter 4
FORMER HSC 425 STUDENTS

2. Love and Marriage in America, 1750

3. Arranged Marriage Usually between the fathers of both parties
Sons and daughters of a father will be matched at a young age until marriage
A “good match” is one that will increase the wealth of both families
This continues to courting, which quickly leads to marriage

4. Marriage
Because of the short life expectancy in the old days, couples were usually arranged at a young age
“Bundling” was a practice that was used typically to encourage a couple to get to know each other more, NO SEXUAL RELATION!

5. Today’s “dating”
In most Western cultures, marriages are motivated by love and intimacy between two people
There are also other ways of dating that many people consider besides the usual long commitment relationships
Can you name some?

6. What is love?

7. Two Theories of Love
Robert J. Sternberg’s theory: “triangular theory of love”
John Allen Lee’s theory: “styles of love”

8. Triangular Theory of Love
Three fundamental components of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment
Intimacy: Refers to the emotional closeness that people feel. Wanting the best for your partner, and being able to share personal thoughts and feelings are examples of the intimacy component.
Passion: The component that deals with physical arousal and attraction. Increased heart rate and the sexual desire to kiss, touch, and make love are examples of the passion component.
Commitment: Refers to the strength of your decision to stay committed, loyal, and faithful to your partner to have a mutually satisfying relationship.

10. Combinations of the Triangle
Components of “The love triangle,” can be combined to form many types of relationships
Ranges from nonlove (none of the components) to consummate love (all three components)

11. One Sided Triangle Relationships
Intimacy Only- (Liking)
People feel intimacy but without passion or commitment so most likely friends.
Passion Only- (Infatuation)
“Spring Break” type of relationship with sexual heat but not intimacy or commitment
Commitment Only (Empty Love)
Parents who stay together for the children are an example. Relationships with an unlikely future because there is no intimacy or passion

12. Combinations of Triangle Relationships
Intimacy+Passion=Romantic Love
Feels romantic regardless of whether you have established a commitment. Example would be two people who have a short term but intense relationship on vacation or an affair.
Passion+Commitment=Fatuous Love
Two people with a strong sexual bond who have agreed to commit to a long lasting relationship. They lack the intimate emotional bond so the relationship seems foolish.
Commitment+Intimacy=Companionate Love
Two people who are truly in love with commitment, but lack the heat and sexual passion. They are more like companions than lovers.
Intimacy+Passion+Commitment=Consummate Love
The most complete and fulfilling type of love that can be achieved.

13. Applying the Triangular Theory of Love
Couples can use the Triangular Theory of Love to assess their relationships.
Makes it easy to identify what parts of the relationships are weak, lacking, or need fixed.
Also shows what areas of the relationship are your strongpoints.

14. Styles of Love
This theory determines the “kind” of lover you are depending on how you relate to another partner.
Six major categories make up the styles of love

15. Love Style Self Quiz
My partner and I were attracted to eachother when we first met
My partner and I have great physical chemistry
I feel my partner and I were meant to be
I have sometimes had to prevent two of my partners from finding out about eachother
Sometimes I enjoy playing “love games” with several partners at once
I believe it is a good idea to keep my partner a little uncertain about my commitment
I find it difficult to pinpoint when my partner and I fell in love
The most fulfilling relationship grows from a friendship
It is necessary to care deeply for someone for a while before you can truly fall in love
When I am in love, I am sometimes so excited that I can’t sleep
I am constantly worried my partner is with someone else
When my partner is busy or seems distant, I feel anxious and sick
It is best to find a partner that has similar interest to your own
I try to make sure my life is in order before I choose a partner
A person’s goals, plans, and status in life are very important to me in choosing a partner
I would rather suffer myself than allow my partner to suffer
I cannot be happy unless my partner’s happiness is met first
I am usually willing to sacrifice my own needs and desires to allow my partner to achieve his or hers

16. Results Statements 1,2,3 reflect Eros love
Statements 4,5,6 reflect Ludus love
Statements 7,8,9 reflect Storge love
Statements 10,11,12 reflect Mania love
Statements 13,14,15 reflect Pragma love
Statements 16,17,18 reflect Agape love
Your style is the one where you answered true to all three questions. If there is not one then choose the answer with the highest amount of trues.

17. Eros Love Characterized as erotic, passionate love
These type of lovers emphasize romance and beauty, and feel urgent sexual desires towards their partner.
Commonly believe in love in first sight or might have even experienced it.
Desire touch above all sensations
Eros based relationships tend to die out quickly because the high passion cannot be maintained for too long

18. Ludus Love Characterized by playing games
These type of lovers enjoy the “game” of relationships more than the actual relationship.
Often like to seduce and tease their lovers
Very unlikely to form lasting commitment or a relationship altogether.
Sometimes like to begin relationships before ending their prior relationship

19. Storage Love Relationship with a central theme of friendship
Usually begin a relationship with a long friendship that develops into love
Sexual part of the relationship develops late and is not as important as the friendship.
When storge relationships end the friendship can usually continue over time

20. Mania Love
A possessive and controlling relationship that can also be stalker-like
Constantly fearful that their partner will leave them and must be reassured
Characterized by obsession and jealousy
Partners of these lovers will often feel too smothered
Mania Lovers can become dangerous when they feel their partner is pulling away

21. Pragma Love Very practical
Partners selected in a rational almost business like manner depending on their requirements
They choose a good “resume” over true love
Often unsatisfying and unsuccessful relationships

22. Agape Love A selfless love characterized by a lot of self- sacrifice
Strive to give their partners what they want without expecting anything in return.
Patient and non-demanding type of love
Can be seen as weak because romantic love should involve giving AND receiving.

23. Applying Love Styles
Recognizing you and your partner’s love styles can help you learn about eachother
Research indicates that some fits work better together
Understanding the different styles can help you notice different signs in your partner’s love style that you may like or dislike

24. Establishing Early Intimacy (today)

25. Field of Eligibles (FOE)
People that you meet that you perceive as having potential as a romantic partner. Sometimes people are Not aware of their romantic attraction criteria, but we all have them. Sometimes we filter out people that our outside our criteria before we even meet them.

26. What does F.O.E. stand for?
Row # 2
Seat # 7

27. Physical attractiveness
“Beautiful is better” bias
A research study on effects of physical attractiveness proved this:
Attractive children are more popular with both classmates & teachers. Teachers give higher evaluations to work of attractive children and have higher expectation of them.
Attractive applicants have a better chance of getting jobs and receiving higher salaries
Taller men earned around $600 more a year per inch of height than shorter executives
In court, attractive people are found guilty less often. When found guilty they receive a more lenient sentence.

28. Media
Media plays a big role to define what make people more attractive than others. Via, magazines, tv, posters, ads ect. Only 5% of the people in these advertisements look like the pictures 8 out of 10 women express dissatifcation with their bodies.

29. How many people actually look like the advertisements?
Row # 1
Seat # 5

30. History & Media
The medias definition of “beauty” has changed a lot over the years. In the early 1900 “attractive” women were 5’6” and weight 140 pounds. In 1970’s top fashion models weighed about 8% less than the average American woman. Today 2013 the difference is 23%!!

31. Matching Hypothesis
People tend to be attracted to people who are the same level of attractiveness as them. researchers have indicated that the level of matching of the pair depends to some degree of nature of the couple.

32. Proximity
In terms of relationships refer to how close in physical distance you are to another person.
Proximity Effect:
1. the more time you spend physically together the better romantic relationship you can form.
2. More likely to find more things in common. Such as activities,
3. the Mere Exposure effect: people become more fond of someone the more time they spend with them.

33. T/F being more attractive can help you make more money?
Row # 3
Seat # 2

34. Communication in Love Relationships

35. Why? Express the positives in the relationship
Encourage a “feel good” environment
Express the negative aspects
Deal with the issues as they arise, not when they explode

36. Self-Disclosure
The process of revealing private, personal, and intimate thoughts, feelings, and information to another person
TMI too early can be off putting
Gradual increase of SD can deepen intimacy
Mutual SD can be very gratifying
Different for online dating

37. Figure 4.3

38. Effective Communication
John Gottman
Misconceptions in relationship patterns
Intense fights “can signify highly successful adjustments that will keep the couple together”
“we never fight” isn’t a good sign of relationship health
Relationships grow by reconciling
differences

39. Healthy Communication Patterns
Validating Communication
Conflicts resolved in calm discussion/compromise

40. Healthy Communication Patterns
Volatile Communication
Fight, bicker, explode more than average

41. Healthy Communication Patterns
Conflict Avoiding Communication
Avoid conflict altogether

42. Communication Warning Signs
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling

43. Improving Communication
Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program (PREP)
5 keys
Decide, don’t slide
Do your part
Make it safe to connect
Open the doors to positive connections
Nurture your commitment

44. Sexual Communication

45. Sexual Self Disclosure
Turn ons/offs
Sex needs and desires
Sex fears and concerns
Sex ________________

46. Why Not? Lack of Information Embarrassment Sexual Taboos
Fear of Judgment
Fear of Rejection

47. Improving Sexual Communication
Know what you want
Insist on your right to postpone a sexual relationship
Be responsible if you engage in “casual sex”

48. and Violent Relationships
Abusive
and Violent Relationships

49. The Power and Control Wheel of Domestic Violence

50. Name one of the types of power/abuse on the Power and Control Wheel
Row # 1
Seat # 2

51. The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Describes how a violent relationship typically develops
Honeymoon Phase
Everything seems wonderful
Happy
Exciting
Partners are loyal, devoted, and caring
It feels like a dream come true
How many of you have felt like this at the beginning of a relationship?
The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

52. The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Honeymoon Phase cont.
Okay so you’ve been in the relationship for a while…
Something happens that creates tension between you (ex. A difference of opinion, an activity…)
It completely disrupts the harmony of the new relationship
Has this happened to anyone?
THIS IS COMPLETELY NORMAL!!!!!
In a healthy relationship, the problem is resolved by talking about it and working through it
The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

53. The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Tension Building Phase
In an abusive relationship
The problem-solving approach fails
Tension keeps building
Soon, one person believes the only way to regain the happiness is to give in to the other persons point of view
The harmony is regained
However, another event that causes tension is bound to occur soon enough
The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

54. The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Explosion Phase
Instead of one person giving in to the other, a violent explosion occurs
Yells
Threatens
Ridicules
Insults
Other acts of bullying occur
Now the victim is afraid and does whatever is necessary to calm things down
Then for the next few days, weeks, or months, the honeymoon phase returns
The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

55. The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Cont.
As time passes this cycle continues
The explosive events typically become more violent
Can and usually develops into physical violence
Honeymoon phase starts again
The abuser is sorry and promises it will never happen again
Perhaps buys gifts for the victim
The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

56. In the first explosion phase, is the violence usually verbal or physical?
Row # 5
Seat # 3

57. The Cycle of Violence and Abuse
Cont.
During this honeymoon phase-
Victim is constantly trying to make the relationship work
Trying to keep the peace
“walking on eggshells”
Any little thing can trigger another explosion
Inevitably, another explosion occurs and the cycle keeps restarting
The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

59. Leaving a violent Relationship
Remember: IT IS POSSIBLE!!!
Things to do when planning to leave
Assess the abusers danger level
Guns, typical violent behavior, knowledge
Have an escape plan
Know how to get away and where to go
Have a bag packed for you and give it to a friend to hold
Create a safety net of trusted people
Keep phone numbers handy
Know locations to hide
Obtain a court-ordered restraining order
This is not guaranteed safety but in most cases it does help
Leaving a violent Relationship

60. Warning Signs of a Potential Abuser
Has a history of battering
Uses threats of violence
Breaks and hits objects when angry
Uses force during an argument
Displays excessive jealousy
Engages in controlling behavior
Isolates partner from social contacts
Displays cruelty to animals or children
Displays “Jekyll and Hyde” mood swings
Warning Signs of a Potential Abuser

61. Name a warning sign of a potential abuser
Row # 3
Seat # 6