1. WHAT ABOUT BOB?: HOW TO HELP WHILE MAINTAINING BOUNDARIES Keri Barnett, Ph.D.

2. What type of helper are you?  Problem solver  You want to fix people’s problems right away  Advice giving comes freely and naturally to you  Nurturer  You naturally give plenty of support and encouragement to those in need  You are “a shoulder to cry on,” but you shy away from confronting or challenging others.

3. Personal Reflection Question  As a problem solver, what goes on inside you that pushes you to solve other people’s problems?  As a nurturer, what goes on inside you that prevents you from challenging someone or speaking the truth?

4. Acceptance AND Change (Grace AND Truth) The key to helping others….

5. Helping Starts with Safety: Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend, 1992)  Many people with mental health problems struggle with boundaries  Compliant – Cannot say no to bad due to guilt or being controlled by others  Nonresponsive – Sets boundaries against responsibility to love others  Controller – Aggressively or manipulatively violates the boundaries of others  Avoidant – Sets boundaries against receiving care from others  Need to teach and model boundaries in the church!

6. Why do churches struggle with boundaries?  Ministry leaders have boundary problems  You need to develop your own ability to set healthy boundaries  Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend is an excellent source  The Velcro Effect  What is going on inside you that is hooking you into the unhealthy dynamic?  Personal reflection: What goes on inside you that makes it hard for you to set a limit with a person or say no to someone?

7. Common Boundary Problem for Problem Solvers: Advice Giving  Advice is telling someone what you think he or she should do.  Consequences of advice giving: creates dependency, disempowers, enables immature behavior & irresponsibility, models poor boundaries, encourages blame  Instead encourage the helpee to explore possible solutions/outcomes as well as pros & cons  Then (and only then) can you make a professional recommendation

8. Common Boundary Problem for Nurturers: Setting Limits on Time  Setting limits on the time you are available to help and minister to others is essential for self-care.  Consequences of poor limit setting: creates dependency, disempowers, enables immature behavior & irresponsibility, models poor boundaries, decreases feelings of safety  Instead clearly define and communicate when you are available, how you are available (in person, text, phone, etc.), and for how long.  Remember Oxygen Mask Analogy

9. If there’s smoke, there’s fire… If there’s drama, there’s a personality disorder!  Remember what generally works with others, will not typically work for people with personality disorders  You must respond differently to them  Consult, consult, consult!!!  All ministry leaders need to be on the same page about how to respond to a person with a personality disorder  Ministry leaders must communicate with each other directly about interactions with this person

10. Acceptance AND change can only happen in a relationship! Helping starts with safety, and ends with the relationship

11. Why does counseling work? (Lambert, 1992)  40% of change in clients is due to: ________________________________  30% of change in clients is due to: ________________________________  15% of change in clients is due to clients’ expectancy and hope  15% of change in clients is due to the counselor’s techniques and therapeutic models

12. Lamentations 3:49-57 (The Message) 49-51 "The tears stream from my eyes, an artesian well of tears, Until you, God, look down from on high, look and see my tears. When I see what's happened to the young women in the city, the pain breaks my heart. 52-54 "Enemies with no reason to be enemies hunted me down like a bird. They threw me into a pit, then pelted me with stones. Then the rains came and filled the pit. The water rose over my head. I said, 'It's all over.’

13. Lamentations 3:49-57 (cont’d) 55-57 "I called out your name, O God, called from the bottom of the pit. You listened when I called out, 'Don't shut your ears! Get me out of here! Save me!' You came close when I called out. You said, 'It's going to be all right.'

14. Relationship Characteristics that Help People  Balancing grace and truth  Genuineness and appropriate transparency  Empathy  Emotionally showing up  Willingness to suffer with others  Don’t be quick to stop all suffering because God may be working through the suffering  Any suffering can be endured IF THE PERSON IS NOT LEFT ALONE EMOTIONALLY