1. Welcome to (Perhaps better known as the LARP club.)

2. This is our newest newbie. He wants to learn how to fight. Friend Monique, who is this? Oh. Hello! My name is Orion. This is Friend Monique.

3. A typical boffer has three parts… This is a foam sword, also known as a “boffer”

4. This is the tip. You use it to poke people. This is the blade. You use it to slice people. This is the guard. You use it to stop people from slicing you.

5. A boffer without a guard is called a popsicle stick

6. Arm Head Throat Face Leg Chest Back Your body is divided into hit locations. If you pretend to be a Barbie Doll, the hit locations are mostly decided by wherever your plastic joints would be.

7. If you get hit in any hit location, act as though that entire part of you no longer works. Ah! My arm! So if I hit Orion in the arm…. (It’s really behind my back.) He pretends it’s no longer there.

8. The head, chest, and back are “kill locations.” If you get hit there, you are “dead” and the fight ends. You shouldn’t aim for those places, because it’ll probably hurt. But if you get hit there, you don’t take any damage. The face and throat are considered “off target.”

9. That way, your opponent knows what you’ve lost. If it’s a kill location, simply announce “Dead.” Any time you’re hit, you should announce where you were hit. Even if you’re hit in the face or throat, you should still announce it.

10. Watch as Friend Monique blocks my lunge…

11. BLOCK!

12. Parry! POKE!

13. Dead.

14. We’re trying to cut people’s limbs off, not break their bones. This is a lightest- touch sport. Even a slight graze counts as a hit. Which means I still got you, even though my sword barely touched your chest.

15. Um… What about late shots, Friend Monique? Orion, have we missed anything? Oh yeah!

16. Let’s say I hit Orion in the arm…

17. Just before he hits me in my arm. Oh, don’t take that.

18. If we had hit at the same time, it would be called “simultaneous,” or “simul.” That’s another word Friend Mercius taught me. Oh, Mercius…. His arm was injured first, and you can’t swing with an injured arm.

19. Anyway, there you have it. Now you know all you need to know in order to fight. If you’d like, we can spar-- Uh, Monique? Orion? A little help over here?

20. What the— MONIQUE! The portal’s about to close!!! Oh, not AGAIN!

21. Come on, Orion. It’s time to go rescue another plane of existence. You’re welcome to come too. It’s perfectly safe.

22. Don’t get hit by the boulder or you’ll be crushed. Don’t worry! We’ll get you home safe! I AM NOT AFRAID OF ROCKS