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Biblical Peacemaking Applying the Gospel to Conflicts of Daily Life

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1 Biblical Peacemaking Applying the Gospel to Conflicts of Daily Life
Biblical Peacemaking: Learning to treat other people the way that God has treated me [us]. [REPEAT] It is that simple…and that profound. Peacemaking is an activity that is commended in the Bible—Let’s take a look at I Peter 3: Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 10 For,[Peter quoting Ps. 34:12-16 "Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. 11 He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their prayer, but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil." What does this mean for us? We need to be consistently about our Father’s business of making peace. Robert Frost: “The world is full of willing people: some are willing to work and the rest are willing to let them.” Q: Since last September, what turbulence have you observed as a leader in your church? An increased amount? More conflicts? Increased stress?… More people anxious about the future?… “Recession Lessons”: Money magazine article notes that “The recession is reshaping our financial attitudes and behaviors, and the changes may just stick.” …Cited both anecdotal evidence and the results from several national surveys. The story cited a recent MetLife survey in which nearly 50 percent of respondents said they "already had all the possessions they need" - up from 34 percent in Matt Bell's View: The recession seems to be forcing us through something akin to the stages of grief - from denial and anger to acceptance. Many people have had to say goodbye to their job, home, sense of security, or way of life. But some are doing more than simply coming to terms with today's hard realities. They're entering a new stage of rethinking and redefining what matters most. And that's a stage filled with great possibility for making positive changes that will endure. READ—“Economic Turbulence and PM in the Church”—SURVEY of about 40 church members, leaders, pastors, and missionaries John Piper: (Some of) God’s Purposes in This Recession He intends for this recession to expose hidden sin and so bring us to repentance and cleansing. He intends to wake us up to the constant and desperate condition of the developing world where there is always and only recession of the worst kind. He intends to relocate the roots of our joy in His grace rather than in our goods, in His mercy rather than our money, in His worth rather than our wealth. He intends to advance his saving mission in the world—the spread of the gospel and the growth of his church—precisely at a time when human resources are least able to support it. This is how He guards his glory. 5. He intends for the church to care for its hurting members and to grow in the gift of love. Q: What does this have to do with making peace?? Jesus tells us “Blessed are the Peacemakers…” why? “…for they will be called ‘Sons of God’” [FORM GROUPS of 2 or 3] Pairs Activity: Write on a piece of paper: “Conflict in the church is ____________________” You and your partner must discuss what each of you would like to say and then write in the blank your agreed upon answer. Q: How do you think most people in the church respond to conflict? [Brainstorm and write answers on board] 1

2 An Introduction to Biblical Peacemaking Putting It Into Practice The Slippery Slope
[Hand out PM pamphlets] On PAGE 9, and inside your Peacemaking Principles pamphlet you will find what Peacemaker Ministries calls the Slippery Slope. Note there are three major areas that represent responses to conflict. The three responses found on the left side of the slope are directed at escaping from the conflict, rather than dealing with it. The three responses found on the right side of the slope are directed at bringing as much pressure to bear on opponents as is necessary to defeat their claims and eliminate their opposition. The six responses in the center are peacemaking responses. Of the six peacemaking responses on the Slippery Slope, the first three usually are implemented by the individual, or with behind-the-scenes coaching from other Christians. The second three peacemaking responses are used if talking privately to the other side has not worked, or is not appropriate. Q: Why is the slope “slippery”?? We will discuss in more detail later…

3 The Four Gs: A God-Centered Response to Conflict
Glorify God-- How can I please and honor God in this situation? Get the log out of your eye--How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to this conflict? Gently restore-- How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict? Go and be reconciled--How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict? [Read Slide] The Greek word for "desires" is the source of the English word "hedonism," the designation of the philosophy that views pleasure as the chief goal of life. In contrast, the one who is trying to stay on top of the slippery slope of conflict will see conflict as a gift from God as a way to grow in Christian maturity.

4 The Blessing of Building a Culture of Peace
A Different Harvest The Blessing of Building a Culture of Peace ‘”Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.” James 3:18 Marriages, friendships, and other • relationships are strengthened and preserved, resulting in fewer divorces and a lower turnover of members and staff. Members resolve most conflicts personally and privately, and turn conflict into an opportunity to mature in faith and character. • Pastors and staff are released from the “complaint loop” and have more time and energy for other ministry. • Ministries and missions are more united and fruitful. Peace and reconciliation reveal the health of your church, glorifying Jesus Christ, enhancing your witness, and stimulating church growth. What is a “Culture of Peace”? “Where people are inspired and equipped to display the reconciling power of the gospel in the relationships and conflicts of daily life.” When a church studies biblical peacemaking, two powerful things typically happen: 1. A new foundation is laid to respond to future conflicts. They have a harder time taking root. 2. Believers are equipped and empowered to deal with those lingering relational problems. Photo of Thanksgiving at Browns (2007)—Harvest theme—we are thankful for the blessings God has established in our lives

5 The First G Glorify God How can I please and
John Piper: Six Biblical Guidelines for Loving Each Other Amid Differences 1. Let’s avoid gossiping. The New Testament warns against gossiping. The Greek word translated “gossip” means whisper or whisperer. In other words, the focus is not on the falsehood of the word but on the fact that it needs to be surreptitious. It is not open and candid and forthright. It has darkness about it. It does not operate in the light of love. It is not aiming at healing. It strokes the ego’s desire to be seen as right without playing by the rules of love. For I fear that perhaps when I come I may find...that perhaps there may be quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder. (2 Corinthians 12:20) 2. Let’s identify evidences of grace in each other and speak them to each other and about each other. The church in Corinth was deeply flawed. But Paul found reason to thank God for them because of “the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus” (1 Corinthians 1:4). The most flawed pastor on this staff—and we are all flawed—is a work of grace. It honors Christ, and keeps criticism in perspective, to see it and say it often. 3. Let’s speak criticism directly to each other if we feel the need to speak to others about it. The point is not that we will always agree on everything, especially the practical application of shared principles. Paul’s word in Romans 12:18 is, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” It may not be possible, but we should try. 4. Let’s look for, and assume, the best motive in the other’s viewpoint, especially when we disagree. When Paul deals with disagreement in Romans 14, one of the things he appeals to is that those with opposite practical convictions have identical heart-motives. “The one who eats, eats in honor of the Lord, since he gives thanks to God, while the one who abstains, abstains in honor of the Lord and gives thanks to God” (Romans 14:6). Christ-honoring passions, Paul says, can unite us in spite of differences of application. 5. Think often of the magnificent things we hold in common. But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation say continually, “Great is the Lord!” (Psalm 40:16) To mention a few things we hold in common: the Elder Affirmation of Faith, the sovereignty of God, the supremacy of his glory in all things, the majesty and meekness of Christ, the all-sufficiency of his saving work, [the precious and very great promises summed up in Romans 8:28 and 8:32, the value and sweetness of the Bible, the power and patience of the Holy Spirit in transforming us, the hope of glory, a profound biblical vision of manhood and womanhood, a common global mission to see the nations know Christ…] 6. Let’s be more amazed that we are forgiven than that we are right. And in that way, let’s shape our relationships by the gospel. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.... And walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us. (Ephesians 4:32-5:2) “The one who is forgiven little loves little” (Luke 7:47). In other words, think more of your own sins and how amazing it is that God saved you than you do about the other person’s flaws. How can I please and honor God in this situation?

6 “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God
“Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” --1 Corinthians 10:31 You can glorify God in the midst of conflict by • trusting Him • obeying Him • imitating Him “Whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.” (1 Cor. 10:31) When the Apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live “for the glory of God,” he was not talking about one hour on Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring him glory in day-to-day life, especially by the way that they resolved personal conflicts. You can glorify God in the midst of conflict by • trusting him • obeying him • imitating him [Q: Pause for Thought--Consider this example: Jim comes home from work. He seems sullen and distracted. Susan’s had a hard day herself: she got home late from work, realized that she had forgotten to plan for dinner, and now Jim sticks his head into the kitchen wondering how much longer dinner will be. At this pivotal moment, what responses would not glorify God (and likely start a brush fire)? What responses would glorify God (and be a “holy” fire extinguisher)?

7 Bring Glory to God by Being a Peacemaker
How do people typically respond to conflict? [Review 12 responses in depth] Page 16—Escape; Page 17—Attack at top, PM at bottom (personal PM); Page 18—(assisted PM) MT 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Why is the slope slippery?? Gradient: Need to allow God’s Spirit instruct me how to stay away from severest gradients (on sides)—avoid situations or temptations Friction Coefficient: Need to keep in step with God’s Spirit, always wearing the full armor of God; including foundation—gospel of peace Mass—Gravitational Pull: Need to put off sin and baggage that entangles me and my testimony Attitude—Degree of Lean: Need to train and prepare (like an athlete) so I can approach challenges with confidence and purpose Be upright and pure to avoid the slopes [SKI SLOPES]-- TIT 2:11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12 It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope--the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. Biblical Case Study: PHP 4:2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Q: What was Paul’s prescription for conflict between believers in the Philippian church? HAND OUT Leader’s Case Studies—what is your prescription for the situation presented? You and your partner(s) are the leaders—what do you advise? Escape Responses Attack Responses Peacemaking Responses

8 One Great Way to Glorify God
Ask Yourself, “Is This Worth Fighting Over?” “A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” Proverbs 19:11 Pause for Thought Which response on the Slippery Slope was used most by your parents when growing up? Where do you tend to slide off? How do you flip between Escape and Attack? Page 18 bottom to 19 Why is the slope slippery?? Gradient: Need to allow God’s Spirit instruct me how to stay away from severest gradients (on sides)—avoid situations or temptations Friction Coefficient: Need to keep in step with God’s Spirit, always wearing the full armor of God; including foundation—gospel of peace Mass—Gravitational Pull: Need to put off sin and baggage that entangles me and my testimony Attitude—Degree of Lean: Need to train and prepare (like an athlete) so I can approach challenges with confidence and purpose Be upright and pure to avoid the slopes [SKI SLOPES]-- TIT 2:11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12 It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, 13 while we wait for the blessed hope--the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, 14 who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good. [Biblical Case Study: PHP 4:2 I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. 3 Yes, and I ask you, loyal yokefellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. 4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. Q: What was Paul’s prescription for conflict between believers in the Philippian church?] HAND OUT Leader’s Case Studies—what is your prescription for the situation presented? You and your partner(s) are the leaders—what do you advise?

9 Get the Log Out of Your Eye The Second G
[Show “Repentance”??] In groups, answer this Q: “What is this video saying to us about conflict?” If this peacemaking talk is getting you thinking of others who need to hear this and get right with God, God may be saying that you really need to start with the one in the mirror. Your Hidden Curriculum What do people learn from you about the Christian life? Sometimes it's what you never intended to teach. If there is a contradiction between what's taught by the formal curriculum and what's taught by the hidden curriculum, people always believe the hidden curriculum. Always. The reason this stays with me so vividly, of course, is that I work at a church. But I'm teaching the hidden curriculum all the time. I cannot prepare for it. It just leaks out of me. I teach it when a staff member is under-performing and I respond by withdrawing. I teach it when a powerful leader blusters and I placate instead of confront. Another indicator is staff relationships. A church that I'll call First Methodist Church (not its real name; its real name is First Baptist Church) has a worship arts director and a student ministries architect who are not talking to each other. They are jealous and competitive and mistrustful. They are also talented and embedded and possessed of devoted constituencies. So the church allows them to live in a de-militarized zone. The formal curriculum of the church includes things like Matthew 18:15, where Jesus commands his people to seek reconciliation. But the lesson people in the congregation take away is that talent and outward success trump reconciliation and authenticity. On the other hand, I know of a church in the Midwest that says as part of its core values that resolving conflict is so highly regarded that staff members can be dismissed for violating it. And they have. It's not a perfect community. But the ratio of resolutions to conflict is much higher here than in the first church. JOKE about my part and your part in miscommunicating: A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get." How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contribution to the conflict?

10 Getting to the Heart of Conflict
Idol Progression: Something you want too much, you will sin to obtain (or sin if it’s denied) Some idol-revealing (“X-Ray”) questions: • How would you respond to disappointment or barriers related to this area? • Have you ever ‘stretched’ the truth in arguing for or against your desire? • How are your opponents being treated in this area? The cure for an idolatrous heart: • Confess your sin and trust in God alone for everything you need (Acts 3:19). • Replace idol worship with worship of the true God (Ps. 37:4). Pause for Thought--How to Spot a Heart Idol: • Self-examination • Prayer • Scripture • Godly counsel [Review Idol Progression] Instead of attacking others or dwelling on their wrongs, we can take responsibility for our own contributions to conflicts—confessing our sins, asking God to help us change attitudes and habits that lead to conflict, and seeking to repair any harm we have caused. Attitudes can be critical, negative, or oversensitive. Our attitudes underlie our words and actions and “fan” the flame of conflict. Words that “feed” conflict include: grumbling, complaining, gossiping, unloving criticism, lies, or exaggerations. Actions would include: failing to do those things we should, failing to keep commitments or responsibilities, resisting godly advice, or withholding mercy and forgiveness. MT 7:3 "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, `Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Page 21 to 22 Pause for 3 minute self examination and write down one idol you are renouncing today and anyone you need to talk with Above all else, remember that true forgiveness depends on God’s grace. If you try to forgive others on your own, you are in for a long and frustrating battle. But if you ask God to change your heart and you continually rely on his grace, you can forgive even the most painful offenses. Taken from  The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande, Updated Edition (Grand Rapids, Baker Books, 2003) pp Food for Thought His disregard for my wife sowed a seed of bitterness in my own heart. My wife and I once attended a conference, and during one activity, we were split up and sent into separate groups for a simulation. During the “game,” a man crushed my wife’s spirit. Later as she told me about it with tears and pointed out the man across the meeting hall, I marked him in my mind and said to myself, “If that man ever applies to work with our organization, I will do everything in my power to keep him out.” The seed of bitterness had sprouted. Later that evening as we walked about for some fresh air, God brought fresh perspective. I realized that if I were to hold that grudge, I would be in error. First, I was assuming that my judgment of that man was correct. It was as if God was saying, “Leave that to me.” Second, I was assuming that my “sentence” was appropriate to his crime. Again, God seemed to whisper, “Leave that to me.” Finally, and most humbling, holding a grudge was like shaking my fist at Christ on the cross and shouting, “NO! It’s NOT finished! I have the right to make that man pay.” When I realized what holding a grudge meant to my Savior, the grudge weed came up root and all. ---Scott Hayden Bangkok, Thailand

11 Make A Good Confession (Seven A Words)
Address everyone involved Avoid “if,” “but,” and “maybe” Admit specifically Acknowledge the hurt Accept the consequences Alter your behavior Ask for forgiveness (allow time) We can remove the “log” from our eye through confession. One way to confess is to follow the pattern established in the 7 A’s. Address—all those whom you affected. Avoid—don’t try to excuse your wrongs by using words that shift the blame, or minimize your role. Admit—both attitudes and actions. Acknowledge—express sorrow for hurting someone. Accept—willingly do what it takes to restore the other person to wholeness, such as making restitution. Alter—change your attitudes an actions. Ask—and allow time for forgiveness and healing to occur.  Never make a confession to simply get a burden off your shoulders or to minimize the consequences of your sin. Rather, your goal should always be to glorify God and to bring healing and comfort to the person you have wronged. Remember to allow time. When we confess, the other person may forgive us immediately. But they may not be ready to grant forgiveness on the spot. You may need to allow additional time for someone to process your confession. Be sure to own your entire contribution. Remember, even if you’re responsible for just 2% of the conflict, Jesus says you’re 100% responsible for your 2%. That’s your “log.” Q: Of the 7 As, which one do you find you struggle with the most? Write down that A and what you hope to do about it

12 Gently Restore The Third G
Instead of pretending that conflict doesn’t exist or talking about others behind their backs, we can choose to overlook minor offenses, or talk directly and graciously with those whose offenses seem too serious to overlook. When a conflict cannot be resolved in private, we can ask a peacemaking team member to help us settle the matter in a biblical manner. Gently Restore How can I lovingly serve others by helping them take responsibility for their contribution to this conflict?

13 Restore Gently—Speak the Truth in Love
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself.” Galatians 6:1-3 The Governing Dynamic is Love: • Step One: Talk privately to resolve personal issues • Step Two: Take two or three others along • Step Three: Tell it to the church • Step Four: Treat the other person as a non-believer • Step Five: Forgive and restore the repentant MT 18:15 "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. 16 But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that `every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' 17 If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Page 27: 3 Purposes of Church Discipline: 1. Restore an erring brother or sister (Gal. 6:1) 2. Prevent dishonor to God 3. Protect and preserve the purity of God’s church (1 Cor. 5) Many people forget that step five is the whole point of steps one to four Is there someone you're trying to change? Here's some biblical counsel: Stop! You may want to take a moment to write these words down on a note card and tape it to your mirror so that you see it every morning: MY JOB: To speak the truth in love GOD'S JOB: To change people HAND OUT Leader’s Case Studies—what is your prescription for the situation presented? You and your partner(s) are the leaders—what do you advise?

14 A helpful approach to difficult conversations
“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus::” Phil. 2:3-5 The PAUSE Principle: • Prepare: Pray, seek godly counsel, study scripture, develop options, plan your remarks • Affirm Relationships: The people and the problem • Understand Interests: The underlying motivations for positions • Search for Creative Solutions: Don’t get stuck • Evaluate Options Objectively and Reasonably Talking with another person about his or her contribution to the conflict in a loving and helpful manner can actually serve the person in a number of ways. Help resolve a problem. Identify and lift a burden, such as unforgiveness. Help the person see his or her contribution to the problem and make changes in behaviors or attitudes. Provide a model, as you demonstrate how to resolve conflict in a biblical way.

15 Go and Be Reconciled The Fourth G
“A problem cannot be solved by the same type of thinking that created it.” –Albert Einstein Replace hostility and separation with peace and reconciliation MT 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. HAND OUT Leader’s Case Studies—what is your prescription for the situation presented? You and your partner(s) are the leaders—what do you advise? Go and Be Reconciled How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?

16 Forgiveness “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Eph. 4:32 What forgiveness is not: Forgiveness is neither a feeling nor forgetting, nor is it excusing. What forgiveness is: Forgiveness is a decision modeled after God’s forgiveness of us. Talking with another person about his or her contribution to the conflict in a loving and helpful manner can actually serve the person in a number of ways. Help resolve a problem. Identify and lift a burden, such as unforgiveness. Help the person see his or her contribution to the problem and make changes in behaviors or attitudes. Provide a model, as you demonstrate how to resolve conflict in a biblical way.

17 Four Promises of Forgiveness
I will not dwell on this incident I will not bring this incident up and use it against you I will not talk to others about this incident I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship We can think of forgiveness as a decision that makes four promises: I will not dwell on this incident. I will not bring this incident up and use it against you. I will not talk to others about this incident. I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship. Making these promises can change our outlook on the words “I forgive you.” It certainly can impact our behavior afterwards! Bible verses to use, as appropriate: Matt. 6:12 1 Cor. 13:5 Eph. 4:32


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