1. Social Psychology Dr. Leslie Case, BCBA
Attraction and Intimacy: Liking and Loving Others

2. The Importance of Connection
Humans have a need to belong
Belonging has evolutionary roots
Increases ability to hunt game, erect shelter
For heterosexual couples, can lead to children, whose survival is boosted by nurturing of two bonded parents
We tend to feel healthier and happer when we do belong

3. The Importance of Connection
Actual, or hoped-for, close relationships preoccupy thinking, color our emotions
People rejected are at risk for depression
Losing a love relationship may leave one jealous, distraught, bereaved, in pain, lonely, or withdrawn
Reminders of death, such as 9/11, heighten our need to connect and belong

4. Ostracism
Activates the same portion of the brain as physical pain (bottom pg. 425)
People respond with depressed mood, anxiety, hurt feelings, efforts to restore relationship, and eventual withdrawal
Makes people more likely to aggress upon others
Makes people more likely to conform to others’ wrong judgments

5. Friendships: Proximity
Interaction
With repeated interaction, we might like almost anyone who has roughly similar characteristics and who reciprocates our affection
Anticipation of interaction also increases liking
Mere exposure
We tend to better like thing and people we have been repeatedly exposed to
Advertisers use this phenomenon
Occurs even when we are unaware of the exposure
© Paul Lau
© Catherin Karnow/Woodfin Camp
© Rick Smolan/Stock Boston
© David R. Frazier / Folio, Inc.

6. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
Attractiveness and dating
A young adult’s physical attractiveness is a good predictor of how frequently he/she dates, particularly for women
In opinion polls, men tend to put more emphasis on the importance of appearance in a mate
In a study of 752 university students, students were randomly paired for a dance, after taking personality and aptitude tests. Many factors were analyzed, but the only factor that predicted liking was physical attractiveness. This was true for both women and men.

7. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The matching phenomenon
The tendency for men and women to choose as partners those who are a “good match” in attractiveness and intelligence
People generally approach those whose physical appearance roughly matches theirs
Those couples who are closely matched are more likely to have fallen “deeply in love” when surveyed later

8. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The matching phenomenon
When couples are “mismatched”, generally the less attractive person has compensating qualities
Men typically offer wealth and status and seek youth and attractiveness, women more often do the reverse
Personal ads in which men advertise income and education and women advertise youth and looks receive more responses

9. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The physical-attractiveness stereotype
The presumption that physically attractive people possess other socially desirable traits as well
Attractive people are kinder, more intelligent and successful, have better social skills, happier, warmer

10. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The physical-attractiveness stereotype
When students rate before and after photographs of cosmetic surgery patients, they rate the patients not only as more physically attractive, but also kinder, more sensitive, more sexually responsive, more likeable
On job interviews, attractiveness and grooming affect impressions of job candidates. This helps explain why attractive people, overall, have more prestigious jobs and make more money

11. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The physical-attractiveness stereotype
Interviewers were asked to rate individuals on a scale of 1 (homely) to 5 (strikingly attractive)
It was found that for every point one goes up, it corresponds to $1988 (Canada) to $2600 (U.S. men) to $2150 (U.S. women) in annual salary

12. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The physical-attractiveness stereotype
Self-fulfilling prophecy: because of this stereotype, attractive people are valued and favored, and thus may develop more social self-confidence
Thus, the stereotype may, on some level, become true

13. Friendship: Physical Attractiveness
The ugly side of attractiveness
Attractive people may suffer unwelcome sexual advances
People of their own gender may resent them
Uncertainty over whether people are responding to their performance or inner qualities, or merely their looks
Those who can succeed based only on looks may not develop themselves in other ways

14. Who is attractive
What is considered attractive varies with culture and time
Despite such variance, there is strong agreement both within and across cultures about who is and is not attractive
The most attractive faces are perfectly average
Computer composites that average many faces are rated as more attractive than any individual face

15. Who is attractive
Perfectly symmetrical faces are considered attractive
If you could merge either half of your face with it’s mirror image, you would be considered more attractive

16. Who is attractive
Evolutionary psychologists explain attractiveness in terms of reproductive strategy
They assume that beauty signals biologically important information: health, youth, and fertility
Over time, men who preferred fertile looking women out-reproduced those who preferred prepubescent or post-menopausal women
Women who preferred male traits that signified an ability to provide and protect resources would pass on their genes as well

17. Who is attractive
Men everywhere have felt most attracted to women whose waists are 30% narrower than their hips
This is a shape associated with peak fertility
Circumstances that reduce a woman’s fertility- malnutrition, pregnancy, menopause- also change her shape
Women also prefer a waist-to-hip ratio in men showing health and vigor
During ovulation, women prefer men with masculinized features

18. Who is attractive
Social comparison: What is attractive to you depends on your comparison standards
Example: Young men who had just been watching “Charlie’s Angels” ranked a female picture as less attractive than those who hadn’t been watching the show
Men who have recently gazed at centerfolds rate average women and even their own wives as less attractive
We tend to rate ourselves as uglier after having seen an attractive person, particularly women

19. Who is attractive The attractiveness of those we love
We perceive likeable people as attractive
The more in love someone is, the more they find their partner attractive
The more in love someone is, the less attractive they find all others of the opposite sex

20. Do birds of a feather flock together?
More like “birds that flock together are of a feather”
Friends, couples, and spouses more likely to share common attitudes, beliefs, and values
The greater the similarity between husband and wife, the happier the marriage
We tend to better like those who are similar to us and hold similar values, or those we perceive as similar
The desire for similar mates outweighs the desire for beautiful mates
Dissimilar attitudes increase dislike more so than similarity increases liking

21. Do opposites attract?
It is commonly believed that opposites attract because they “complement” each other
Example: A person who is sociable is a nice compliment to a person who is shy
Years of research demonstrates this is not the case
Sometimes as a relationship progresses, some complementarity may evolve over time

22. Liking those who like us
Another person liking us will cause us to return the appreciation
Finding out someone likes us tends to awaken our friendship or romantic interest in him/her
We are sensitive to the slightest hint of criticism
Students like better someone who says 8 positive things about them than 7 positives and 1 negative

23. Liking those who like us
Attribution
Flattery has a positive effect
We warmly receive both the flattery and the one who delivers it
Unless we know that the flattery isn’t true
Makes us lose respect for the flatterer, and wonder what their motives are
Our attributions as to why we are with someone have an effect
If we attribute we are with someone for external reasons (such as the experiment on 448), we express less love for partners and less likelihood that the relationship will lead to marriage

24. Liking those who like us
Self-esteem and attraction
Another’s approval is especially rewarding after we have been deprived of approval
An experimenter damaged self-esteem of some women by giving them an unfavorable analysis of their personality. The women then rated several people, including an attractive male who had asked them on a date right before the experiment. Those who had experienced the damaged self-esteem rated the man as more attractive.
Explains why some people fall in love on the rebound from another relationship

25. Liking those who like us
Gaining another’s esteem
We like someone even better if they initially disliked us, then gradually changed their evaluation of us from negative to positive
Nice words may have more credibility coming from someone who initially didn’t like us
Because of this, relationships are better when people are honest and express both positive and negative emotions, verses being “nice” all of the time

26. Relationship Rewards
Reward theory of attraction: The theory that we like those whose behavior is rewarding to us or whom we associate with rewarding events
It feels good to hang out with them
If a relationship gives us more rewards than costs, we will like it.
Particularly so if the relationship is more profitable than other relationships we could be in
It is less probable that we will like someone we interact with during unpleasant times
When we are in a relaxed setting, we are more likely to like others in that setting

27. Love Many different types of love
Very difficult for social psychologists to define and quantify
Psychologist Robert Sternberg views love as a triangle, with the three sides being passion, intimacy, and committment

28. Theory of Love

29. Love
Passionate love: a state of intense longing for union with another
Passionate lovers are absorbed in one another, feel ecstatic at attaining their partner’s love, and are disconsolate on losing it
Involves a roller coaster of emotions
© Joe Polillio

30. Theory of passionate love
Any given state of arousal can be steered into any of several emotions, depending on how we attribute the arousal
Two-factor theory of emotion: Arousal x it’s label=emotion
Passion is a revved-up state that is labeled “love”

31. Theory of passionate love
If a man is turned on, and sees another woman, he (mis)attributes some of his arousal to her
If a man is aroused by fear and then sees a woman, he (mis)attributes the arousal to attraction towards her
An experiment had an attractive young woman approach men who had just crossed a narrow, wobbly, 450-long suspension walkway hanging 230 feet above the rocky Capilano River. She took a “survey,” and then gave her phone number and invited them to call to get the survey results. Significantly more men called than when she approached men who crossed a low, solid bridge.

32. Theory of passionate love
Scary movies, roller-coaster rides, and physical exercise have similar effects
Couples who do exciting (aka stimulating/arousing) things together report having the best relationships
Couples report higher satisfaction with their overall relationship immediately after doing an arousing (physically demanding) task

33. Variations in Love: Culture
89% of cultures have some concept of romantic love
Some cultures, like those practicing arranged marriages, love tends to follow rather than precede marriage
Until recently, in the U.S., marital choices were strongly influenced by considerations of economic security, family background, and professional status

34. Variations in Love: Gender
Though people commonly believe that women fall in love more easily, it is actually men who do
Men are also less likely to end a premarital relationship and more likely to fall out of love more slowly.
Women in love are more likely to report feeling euphoric, giddy, and carefree in love

35. Companionate Love
The affection we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined
A deep affectionate attachment
Less of a roller coaster ride of emotions than passionate love
Often what happens when passionate love slows down
© Rob Nelson/Black Star

36. Companionate Love
Represents a growing importance in factors such as shared values
May trigger a period of disillusionment when passionate love “cools”
Higher divorce rates at this point
Those who divorce due to this often come to feel empty as they miss the attachment of companionate love

37. Companionate Love
May be an adaptive phenomenon, in that if children are present by this point, they would not receive good care if their parents are focused only on each other
Some of the passionate love renews for those married more than 20 years, particularly as they become “empty nesters”

38. What enables close relationships?
Attachment
A bond
Starts from infancy and our dependence as newborns
Some elements common to all loving attachments:
Mutual understanding
Giving and receiving support
Valuing and enjoying being with loved one
Passionate love adds:
Physical affection
Expectation of exclusiveness
Intense fascination with loved one

39. Attachment styles
Secure attachment: Attachments rooted in trust and marked by intimacy
Avoidant attachment: Relationship style marked by dismissive detachment
Insecure attachment: Attachments marked by anxiety, ambivalence, and possessiveness

40. What enables close relationships?
Equity: A condition in which the outcomes people receive from a relationship are proportional to what they contribute to it
If you lend me your class notes, later I’ll lend you mine
Often unspoken terms of a friendship
When people are good friends or in love, they stop calculating what is “owed” to each other
We like to believe that positive events are voluntary

41. What enables close relationships?
Perceived equity
Those in an equitable relationship more content
Those who perceive inequity feel discomfort
The one who has the better deal feels guilty
The one who senses a raw deal feels irritated
Given the self-serving bias, the one who has the better deal is less likely to perceive that they have the better deal
Household chores and parenting are big areas of inequity in marriages
Contributes to marital dissatisfaction, and sometimes divorce

42. What enables close relationships?
Self disclosure: revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others
Trust displaces anxiety
We are free to open ourselves without fear of losing the other’s affection
People reveal more and more of themselves as the relationship grows
Leads to feelings of love

43. Self-disclosure We disclose more when distressed, angry, or anxious
to people with whom we anticipate further interaction
when we have a secure attachment style
disclosure reciprocity effect: we disclose more to those who have been open with us
women more likely to disclose fears and weaknesses