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Two principles of assertion
You don’t get what you don’t get ask for You get a lot of what you do ask for Source: Andrew Gibbons
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Three fundamental rules for handling people
Don’t criticise, condemn or complain Give honest, sincere appreciation Arouse in the other person an eager want Source: Dale Carnegie
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Three aspects of conflict management
Outcome What do you want from this? Process How do you want to work? Emotions How do you want to feel?
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Three levels of listening
The head level - thoughts The heart level - emotions and feelings The hands level - the will to take action Source: Bowerman and Collins
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How do they differ to each other?
Three behaviour types Aggressive Assertive Passive How do they differ to each other?
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Three factors affected by perception
Attention Interpretation Retention ...of information
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Visual See the message Three Vs of behaviour
Verbal Think about the content Vocal Listen to what is said and how
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Four emotional realities
Other people cannot... Anger you ...you make yourself mad Depress you ...you make yourself sad Offend you ...you take offence Hurt your feelings ...your thoughts about the situation create your own bad feelings
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Four NLP principles Achieving outcomes know what outcome you seek
Sensory awareness have sufficient understanding to know if you are moving towards or away from your intended outcome Flexibility of behaviour the ability to vary your behaviour until you achieve your outcome Take action now having a sense timing and urgency Source: Alan Chapman
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Be specific - for what exactly?
Four rules of praise Be specific - for what exactly? Be direct - from you, face to face Say it first - don’t wait for a prompt Do it often - overcome the awkwardness Praise don’t patronise
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Four steps to negotiation
Start with the end in mind Help them prepare too - no surprises Seek and build alignment of interests Send one message - be organised From: Danny Ertel
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Four personality types
Anxious introverts Stable extroverts Stable introverts
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Four ways not to persuade
Too much in your face hard sell pushing Resistance to compromise - digging in Over-relying on your great presentation Seeing it as a one hit event not a process Source: Jay Conger
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Four skills and behaviours around emotional intelligence
Regard A sense of self-regard, views others with respect Awareness Of self and others Self-management Control of personal power, and emotional resilience Relationship-management Trusts others, balanced outlook, handles conflict, can express and control emotions Source: Howard Gardner
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Four ways to become an interpersonal STAR You need: S ensitivity
T olerance A ssertion R estraint
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Four emotional characteristics of the
highest performers Competitive drive Achieve mentality Teachability Wit Source: Mitch Anthony
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Quickly establish credibility
Four ways to persuade Quickly establish credibility Frame your position on common ground Provide evidence supporting your wants Connect at an emotional level Source: Jay Conger Source: Butz & Goodstein
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Four dilemmas for negotiators
Conceding or Being stubborn Be jovial or Hostility Bending or Domineering Uncommitted or Undercommitted Source: W Masterbrook
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Four categories from which we choose our behaviour
Automatic behaviour Habits or comfortable ways of doing things A back up repertoire That we turn to when our automatic behaviours are not working to achieve the results we need A creative zone Our ability to come up with something new from behaviours we already have A new learning capability The ability to learn new behaviours
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Four stages of negotiation
Prepare Assess objectives - yours and theirs Decide on areas of possible flexibility Plan approach and sequence of events Discuss Exchange positions and issues Create a positive working climate Listen carefully and question thoroughly Propose Specify what you want Seek compromise - get a win/win if possible Bargain Ask for what you want - modify if you need Don’t concede without trading
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Source: Raymond Cattell
Five global factors derived from the primary factors of the sixteen PF test Extraversion Anxiety Tough-mindedness Independence Self-control Source: Raymond Cattell
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Five ways to get past ‘no’
Don’t react, go to the balcony Disarm them: go to their side Change the game: don’t reject…reframe Make it easy to say yes, build a golden bridge Make it hard to say no, bring them to their senses not their knees Source: William Ury
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Five ways to handle conflict
Competing assertive and unco-operative Collaborating assertive and co-operative Avoiding unassertive and unco-operative Accommodating unassertive and co-operative Compromising mid-point on both dimensions Source: Robert Blake
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Five ‘C’s of negotiation
Capitulation give in…bad idea Coercion force a short term ‘solution’ Compromise bargain and trade to agreement Concession give ground very deliberately Consensus total harmony of opinion Source: Andrew Gibbons
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Five factors around power and influence
Technical competence Credibility Trust and honesty Interpersonal skills Drive, energy and enthusiasm Source: Mike Phipps
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Five realms of emotional intelligence
Self-awareness Managing emotions Motivation Empathy Managing relationships Source: Peter Salovey
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Five principles of good speaking
Be… Prepared Clear Simple Vivid Natural
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Five parts to the ARROW emotional
skills model A Awareness R Restraint R Resilience O Others (empathy) W Working with others (building rapport) Source: Mitch Anthony
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Source: Ken and Kate Back
Six types of assertion Basic Empathetic Consequence Negative feelings Discrepancy Responsive Source: Ken and Kate Back
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Six ways to make people like you
Become genuinely interested in other people Smile Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves Talk in terms of the other person’s interests Make the other person feel important, and do it sincerely Source: Dale Carnegie Source: Butz & Goodstein
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Six principles of behaviour
All behaviour is motivated Behaviour breeds behaviour You can choose your behaviour Perception is reality The only behaviour you can change is your own Behaviour is situational
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Source: Ury and Fisher Six parts to a BATNA: B est A lternative T o
N egotiated A greement Source: Ury and Fisher
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Authority Source: Mike Phipps Six sources of POWER Reward Punishment
Expertise Relationships Association Source: Mike Phipps
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Six parts to the POTASH model of negotiation
P lanning O pening T esting out A djusting S haping H andshaking
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Six parts to the LISTEN model
L ooking interested I nquiring with questions S staying on target T esting understanding E valuating the message N eutralising your feelings
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Six mistakes in negotiation
Neglecting the other side’s interests Letting price bulldoze other interests Searching too hard for common ground Letting positions drive out interests Neglecting BATNAs Not recognising your own partiality Source: James Sibenius
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Six levels of listening
Passive listening Responsive, or pretend listening Selective listening Attentive listening Active listening Empathetic listening Source: Erik J Van Slyke
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Six ways to manage your emotions
Be aware of your emotions Accept and own your emotions Investigate and explore your emotions Make known your emotions Integrate your emotions with your intellect and will Adjust, modify and use your emotions positively From: Myron Chartier Source: Butz & Goodstein
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Six skills for interpersonal effectiveness
Reporting and giving positives Listening actively - following and reflecting Confronting constructively and respectfully Mutual problem solving - turning conflict into co- operation Unsolicited consulting - influencing those who have not sought your advice Solicited consulting - responding effectively to those who want your advice Source: Helen Clinnard
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The SIMPLE feedback model
S ensitive I ssue related M eaningful P rompt L isten E easy to understand Source: Lynda Ford
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The RECIPE model for understanding R esponsibility
personality differences R esponsibility E experience C onfidence I ‘I’ language P rocess review E quality of opportunity Source: Ray Mahoney
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Seven types of power Referral association Ownership possession
Expertise competence Charisma charm, interest, persuasion Time use it when you have it Information what you know Coercion willingness to be hostile Source: Business Buffet
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Seven reasons we interrupt
Ignorance - plain bad manners Can’t hold back - dis/like of what is being said Fear of forgetting response Poor timing - thinking other person had finished Desire to end conversation and do something else Duration and/or content - bored Manner of, or feelings about the speaker Source: Andrew Gibbons
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Seven rules for giving feedback
Courage Skill Self-confidence Sensitivity Interest and respect The right motives Credibility
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Seven sources of conflict
Clash of goals and ideologies Divergence of formal objectives Unclear contractual relationships Simultaneous or divergent, uncomplementary roles Concealed objectives or agendas Territorial violation or jealousy Overcrowding From: Handy and Ardrey
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Eight pros and cons of conflict
Clears the air Introduces new rules Modifies goals Clarifies positions On the other hand… Waste of time and energy Emotional stress and organisational stress Risks Worsened relations
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Eight issues in criticising constructively
Your personal credibility with the other/s Be specific about the reason to be critical Have the right motives - why are you doing this? Give support and encouragement Choose the time and place with care Anticipate retaliation Give feedback on behaviour - don’t make judgements Get commitment to the agreed changed behaviour Source: Andrew Gibbons
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Eight things negotiators can do...
Say ‘no’ effectively Inspire confidence Be ingenious ‘Take it’ without negative reactions Be a patient listener Have a sense of humour See the wider context - the wider picture Articulate complex issues clearly and concisely From: Bruce Morse Source: Butz & Goodstein
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Eight keys to negotiation
Offer incentives - create a need and a want Put a price on the status quo Seed ideas early - build on these Reframe if you need - keep it flexible Build consensus - seek common ground Help others save face Keep the dialogue going Look for new perspectives - be creative From D Kolb and J Williams Source: Butz & Goodstein
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Nine tips for negotiators
Have an alternative - negotiate with freedom of choice Negotiate when you have an agreement in principle Aim high, first positions set limits on best possible outcomes Let the other party state their case and wants first List and clarify what the others want before you get started Bargain and trade - don’t just give anything away Keep the whole picture in mind throughout Be alert for variable and new issues throughout the process Keep accurate notes and summarise progress continuously Source: Alan Chapman
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Ten golden rules for giving feedback
Give feedback on observed behaviour not perceived attitudes Describe what you saw and felt, don’t make judgements Focus on behaviour that can be changed Select and stick to the most important issues Ask questions rather than make statements Set ground rules in advance Comment on positive issues not just the negative Stick to specific behaviour, don’t waffle vaguely Observe everyone’s personal limits Before offering feedback, consider its value to the receiver Source: Wood and Scott
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Ten ‘right’s as a person
I have a right to: Be treated with respect as an equal person Define my needs and ask reasonably for what I want and need Define my own limits and to say ‘no’ Express my feelings and opinions Make my own decisions and to change my mind Seek clarification and understanding if something is not clear Make mistakes without feeling guilty or made to look foolish Hold my own set of values Be listened to when I speak Refuse to take inappropriate responsibility for other’s issues
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Ten tips for giving personal feedback
Be specific, refer to observed actual events Be constructive, focus on ways forward and lessons learned Avoid abstract comments about personality and attitudes Don’t try and do too much, be realistic with what is possible Encourage the other person to self appraise Never get drawn into an argument or dispute Don’t become an amateur psychologist, and over-advise If change is needed, explain why, and help with action plans Be prepared to change your own approach and views Remain interested and available for further advice Source: Alan Fowler
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The best negotiators do this:
Spend the time it takes to prepare really well Test understanding and summarise a lot Ask many questions to clarify and explore Give ‘internal’ information Flag up behaviour - unless disagreeing Avoid ‘irritators’ Never make immediate counter-proposals Don’t get into defend/attack spirals Work through one issue at a time Recognise and emphasise common ground Assess their performance thoroughly Source: Andrew Gibbons
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Eleven behaviour analysis categories
Proposing Building Supporting Disagreeing Defending/attacking Testing understanding Summarising Seeking information Giving information Bringing in Shutting out Source: Neil Rackham and others
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Twelve ways to win people to your way of thinking
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it Show respect for the other person’s opinions If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically Begin in a friendly way Get the other person saying ‘yes yes’ immediately Let the other person do a great deal of the talking Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires Appeal to the nobler motives Dramatise your ideas Throw down a challenge Source: Dale Carnegie
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Bale’s twelve behavioural classifications
Positive reactions Shows solidarity Shows tension release Shows agreement Problem solving Gives suggestions attempts Gives opinion Asks for information Asks for opinion Asks for suggestions Negative reactions Shows disagreement Shows tension Shows antagonism Source: Bales
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Thirteen key issues around Negotiation
People Objectives Principles Timing Bargaining/trading Movement Authority Control Convergence/divergence BATNAs Skills Leverage History and aftermath Source: Andrew Gibbons
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Sixteen personality factors within the 16 PF
Warmth Reasoning Emotional stability Dominance Liveliness Rule-consciousness Social boldness Sensitivity Vigilance Abstractness Privateness Apprehension Openness to change Self-reliance Perfectionism Tension Source: Raymond Cattell
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A classic presentation structure
“Tell ‘em what you’ll tell ‘em …tell ‘em… …tell ‘em what you told ‘em” Sam Goldwyn
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“Don’t become like the people you criticise” Ann Smith
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