1. The Way Into Sin Our Wilderness Journey www.brandyancoffee.net The Way to Life

2. Last week we looked at personalities and how to rewrite our story. This week we'll look at dependencies and problems with leadership Following the wrong example is what gets us stuck from the start, So we need to have a reliable guide.

3. UNDERSTANDING DEPENDENCIES

4. Relationships, emotions (such as anger), drugs, Sex, food, friends, gambling, or money, time on phone or watching the TV Children, shopping and numerous others

5. FYI, dependency to alcohol and/or drugs and other "things" of the world are not the only problem. We also have emotional dependencies that show up in our neediness: the need to be right the need to be in control the need to look good, and the need to feel good about ourselves, often, at the expense of family, friends or others Consider Joseph running around showing off daddy’s coat of many colors, then bragging about his dreams Did this guy have no good sense at all?

6. Needs we seek to fulfill: Attention 1Corinthians 12.25 Acceptance Romans 15.7 Support Galatians 6.2 Approval Romans 14.18 Comfort 1Thessalonians 4.18 Love 1Peter 1.22 Affection Romans 16.16 Appreciation 1Corinthians 11.2 Encouragement 1Thessalonian 5.11 Security Mark 9.50 Belonging 1John 3.1, 2 Respect Romans 12.10

7. How do we make a mess of things, when we know right from wrong? L. Crabb, in "Men and Women" cites Paul’s example in Romans to describe the process of sin

8. Romans 1.21-23: Paul describes the series of events that generally take place: 1.We reject God and worship idols (power and wealth, drugs and alcohol immoral sex, porno, boredom, laziness, television, etc) Addictions are rebellion that keep us out of a relationship with God and they also ruin our peace of mind and relationships

9. 2. We depend upon our self or other persons and/or things to get our needs met We refuse to accept God as a divine authority We believe our own power will get us through it – whatever ‘it’ may be. When we fail, we turn to God but until then...

10. 3. we have a wrong understanding of our relationship with God and other people Because we depend too much on ourselves or others for everything we don't see the need for God Or, if we do, we ignore Him in favor of our favorite television show, person, or other dependency God created us to live in relationship with him and other people but not dependent relationships, or independent isolation.

11. 4. we believe our behavior is okay and rationalize it or make excuses; this is denial. Pride and arrogance help us to sustain our faulty beliefs, then we become enslaved by them. We know in our heart we need God and change, but ignore the yearning We become more deeply immersed in our issue and blame the problems on whatever it is

12. 5. All our relationships begin to fail and we choose false friends who encourage our false beliefs If spouse or friends challenge our faulty thinking to get us to change we may get a divorce or abandon our friends and join with likeminded people “My husband/wife is such a …” “Yeh. I know. Mine does the same thing!” Thus, relations with God, our spouse and healthy friends fail and we become more miserable

13. 6.We become hardened in our rebellion; the worse it gets, the more certain we are of its rightness Some people would rather die in their pride than admit they were in the wrong This does not mean the other person does not share some of the responsibility, however … Many do from alcoholism, addiction, sexual disease and suicide from loneliness and despair.

14. 7. we bring others into our life style. ( L. Crabb, Men & Women - paraphrased ) Often, alcohol, drug and sex addicts invite other people into the life style "If other people are doing it, it must be okay" We make it okay to sustain our faulty beliefs. Obese people, alcoholics, addicts, etc. want to believe it’s genetics so it’s not their fault! But even genetics requires a choice; not with skin color, but with alcohol, drugs, food, etc

15. Whenever we turn away from God, we get into all kinds of trouble. But, when we are ready for change, and understand we do need his help, then, we can call out to God.

16. God clothes you the sword of his truth and the shield of his righteousness So where do we begin? Honesty!

17. Search me Oh Lord and know my thoughts and if there is any wickedness in me. Pray that God will reveal all your sins and problematic behaviors. Then, complete the Homework

18. In our quest, when we seek things other than God to fill our needs, our relationships begin to fall apart. We abandon family and friends, or we are abandoned by our family and friends (remember Joseph). - divorce is one way - suicide and homicide are the severest forms and are also very permanent Joseph’s brothers were so angry with him they nearly killed him but, instead, sold him into slavery. We learn to abandon relationships often by example This does not excuse our behavior and we must learn to change our way of living and loving.

19. We leave our dependency by... Recognizing our sin of dependency such as Being right all the time... Are you willing to give up your childish need for___________ whatever controls your self-righteous attitude? Abuse to your spouse Your dependency to anger, using various forms of violence (verbal, emotional, psychological) for power and control? Your look or feel-good. Are you willing to give up your need for approval by looking good to others, and seek God's approval only?

20. We depend upon God for strength to overcome our worldly temptations The only way for people to get what God promised is through faith in Jesus Christ. It is given to those who believe in him. And we depend upon God for wisdom to make wise choices in life I will teach you in the way; my word will be a lamp to light your way. Psalm 119:105

21. Choose to commit to God's way. He gives us power through Christ Jesus if we trust … God gives us the strength to endure but I can be real impatient, at times. So we must wait on the Lord. Have courage and he will strengthen you. Psalms 27.14 God gave Jesus as a way to forgive people's sins through their faith in him. Romans 3:25

22. Maturity takes time, avoiding sin, and learning to do ‘what is right’ Stop doing evil, learn to do good Isaiah 1:16 says and Psalm 34:14 turn from evil and do good; … To wait on the Lord means not to expect over-night miraclesl give it time. We can do good or God would not have told us to but it will take time learning to do what is right.

23. Let's take another look at Paul. Paul went to Jerusalem and he spoke "boldly" of the Lord; but the Greeks were going to kill him, so the apostles sent him away, Then, there was peace in the churches. and comfort of the Holy Spirit. It takes time to smooth and polish the rough edges from our old ways. We’re all diamonds in the rough! Acts 9.26-31

24. Jesus began his ministry at age 30 (Luke 3:23) and spent forty days in the wilderness (4:1-2), yet Paul needed some 13 - 18 years to mature The Israelites were in the wilderness for forty years before reaching the promise-land Jesus was raised with parents who believed he was the son of God and they were obedient to God His family life was a lot different from ours. That’s why we have to ‘learn’ this new way of life.

25. Jesus was human just like we are, and just like us he had to overcome the devils temptations. He did time, growing up and learning in daily life, and in the desert and on the cross. The devil, and our deeply held faulty beliefs work to defeat us when we give into them Jesus overcame the devils temptations to sin by quoting the word of God!

26. Failure Despair Hopelessness DEMONS When surrounded by the enemy, know that He who the Son has set free, is free indeed John 8:36

27. Few of us see ourselves as true children of God We are children of God, if we believe we are and live as though we are! 1John 3.10 All temptation is normal for people, however, God always provides a way out. 1Cor 10:13 So there’s no excuse for staying immersed in sin and blaming it on temptation. We should not keep on [deliberately] sinning, so God's kindness will be even more evident. No way! Romans 6:1-2

28. HOMEWORK PAGES

29. Admit to your problem behaviors Avoid home by: doing church or other activities Avoid spouse by: spend time with our children, or at work instead of with spouse Avoid intimacy by: TV, on Computer, Stereo, or Talk - talk - talk on phone, etc. I avoid ____ by_____

30. I use tears to get my husband to stop badgering me about doing housework Use _____ to control _____ and get ______ (a person) to _________ (do what I want).  anger spouse  tears friends  bribes children  fearspouse

31. I rain on other people's joy by _________________ I rain on other people's joy by ___ stick them where it really hurts, or suggest a better way to... look good, feel powerful, get even

32. Other problem behavior includes Annoy people by ______ Digging up old bones of the past all the time

33. I use fear to control other people by ____________________ Use FEAR to control people by: I’m leaving if you don’t … You are so out of here if you … Oh right. Like you’re … (venomous sarcasm)

34. I get revenge on other people by ________________ Get revenge for _______ by getting loaded, arrested, quit my job, never arrive on time, become depressed, or eat last of pie or cake, etc. __________________

35. I depend on myself by _________ Never ask for help because They wouldn't want to help me. I'd rather be safe than take a risk

36. Emotional needs that we depend on people or “things of the world” to fill include: AttentionAssurance AcceptanceApproval AppreciationSecurity AffectionRespect

37. I depend on_____________ to fill my need for__________________ I depend on my mate for ____ love and affection Because I don't trust God or other people appreciation and attention

38. To me God and/or religion are: Not real to me, too frightening, safe and secure, or _________

39. I rationalize my behavior by: My parents did it, so it's okay by me My friends do it, so it must be OK I'm not hurting anybody else

40. My friends are [ ] true or [ ] false True friends wouldn't lie to me about my behavior. False friends try to make me feel good about my dishonesty

41. Living my own way even when I know it's wrong. To get attention so ______ will notice me, or give me love I rebel against conformity by: Because I have a right to live my way

42. I draw others into my life style by: Living my own way and setting a poor example. Justify what I do and convince others it's okay Encourage other people do live the same way.

43. DEPENDENCIES What do you want to overcome? Who do you often blame for your problems? What do you argue about and want to have your way? What price have you paid for having things "your way"? Name 3 of your dependencies _______________ ____________________________ ABANDONMENT Who abandoned you? When were you abandoned? How were you abandoned? What was the effect on your life? (the method you use to abandon relationships)

44. DEPENDENCIES cont'd Which dependencies are you willing to give up? I will give up __________________________________________ and will depend on God by _______________________________ to overcome _________________________________________ I avoid relationships and responsibility by ____________________ I use______________ to control ____________________ ______________ to control ____________________ I rain on other people's parade when I ______________________

45. DEPENDENCIES cont'd I annoy or create conflict by ___________________________ I use fear to control by _______________________________ I get my emotional need for __________ met by ___________ When this doesn't work control others by ________________ When control doesn't work I get revenge by ______________ I depend on myself too much for _______________________ I depend on others too much for ________________________ I depend on ____________ to fill my need for _____________ because ____________________________________________

46. DEPENDENCIES cont'd To me God (religion) is _______________________________ I justify or rationalize myself by _______________________ Draw a picture of who God is or what he looks like to you These friends are [ ] true___________________________ [ ] false___________________________ I rebel against conformity by __________________________ I encourage others to do the same by __________________ Workbook Page 10

47. Imagine better ways to get your needs met and describe. Next page has a list of scripture related to emotional needs " Set your affections on things above, not on things of the world (people or possessions "--Colossians 3.2 Ask your family for information about your past. Don't say anything yourself, just listen (your goal is to simply to gather information) Do not judge whether or not the information is good or bad Journal about it, and how you feel about what you heard.

48. Attention 1Corinthians_12.25 Acceptance Romans_15.7 Support Galatians_6.2 Approval Romans_14.18 Comfort 1Thessalonian_4.18 Love 1Peter_1.22 Affection Romans 16.16 Appreciation 1Corinthians 11.2 Encouragement 1Thessalonians 5.11 Security Mark 9.50 Belonging 1John 3.1, 2 Respect Romans 12.10

49. Now, consider your wilderness journey and the things that keep you stuck and unhappy

50. THE WAY INTO SIN How did you get into your sinful way of life? Reject God and worship idols of ______________________ Overly independent by ______________________________ Overly dependent by ________________________________ Rationalize by ______________________________________ Relationship issues __________________________________ Deny the truth by _________________________________ (these are the lies we tell ourselves to justify our behavior) Bring others into our life style by ________________________

51. Map your "life's journey" 0 1515 3030 4545 moves orph s.a. divorce moves R ref. sch. jail child college career God college ministry child home college suicides college drugs/ suicides/ jail R jail R RR R R moves

52. How did you get to where you are now? (whose example have you followed?) Why do you stay? (what is your reward: look-good, power, revenge) What will you give up to have a life of harmony? (will give up independence or codependence, etc.) How will your life be different, as a result? (will have authentic power and personal autonomy)

53. EXERCISE New Beginnings:talk about your fears Learning about trust, emotional touch builds trust Sit across from another person in your group Look at them and notice everything about them Don’t judge what you see; be like an infant and find joy and amazement in the experience. Discuss your experience with this exercise What were your feelings? How difficult was it to not judge?

54. Next The Way Out of Our Sin