1. The Need for Boundaries
What a boundary looks like

2. The Shores Mission Statement
To provide a safe, nurturing and loving environment for our clients to heal from addiction. We will treat all phases of the disease using the most current medical, physiological, psychological holistic and spiritual approaches available to a team of licensed and board certified professionals.

3. The Shores Philosophy
Is based upon the theory that addiction to alcohol and other substances is a multi-fold disease: physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological. We believe that the recovery of every aspect of the affected persons’ lives, as well as the lives of their loved ones. We also realize that healing can be a very difficult and painful process-much the same as recovery from any other illness.

4. Why do we need to set boundaries?
Boundaries decrease resentment
Boundaries make your needs a priority
Boundaries allow you to know what you are responsible for.

5. Boundaries decrease resentments
When a loved one is battling addiction you need to
identify what your limits are
what behaviors you find acceptable, and
what you are willing to help with
If you aren’t able to identify what your limits are your loved one may take advantage of your loving generosity
You will over time become very resentful.

6. Boundaries make your needs a priority
For most of us the disease of addiction has been causing a wake of destruction
we don’t even have a clue that we are not meeting our own personal needs
Setting limits on your time, finances gives family members a sense of your own self worth
Being consistent with your boundaries creates a sense of structure to your life and theirs as well
It’s a healthier way to live

7. Boundaries allow you to know what you are responsible for
When addiction runs wild within the family unit you can feel responsible for the cause and actions of the addict
Your need to control will overwhelm you
When you realize you cannot control your loved ones choices or the consequences
You can be free from the guilt and blame this disease is known to cause
You can stop making excuses for their behavior
You will not feel the need to overcompensate for them

8. 5 Key Ways To Set Boundaries With a Loved One in Recovery
Learn clear communication
Explain the consequences
Keep your promises
Get support for yourself
Make a plan

9. Learn Clear Communication
Chances are that the communication between family members is broken
Communication skills are not effective and conversations usually end up in screaming matches or debates with no logical sequence
You need to learn how to begin the process of communicating with your loved one by telling them what you consider is acceptable and unacceptable to you.

10. Learn To Explain Consequences
Let your loved one know what you will do should they choose to break a boundary you have set
Break it down simply for them.
Give them an example of what you mean
Explain how breaking the boundary you have set will result in a negative consequence for them
Be very specific and do not assume they know what you mean
They will use anything against you to manipulate a situation to their advantage

11. Learn To Keep Your Promises
The most important thing about boundaries is to be consistent
Follow through on your promise of a consequence
They will test you to see if you really meant what you said
The benefit of this is that it will provide them with structure and relieves them of not knowing what will happen next

12. Get Support For Yourself
Finding a program to help you and educate you in the disease of addiction is crucial
Alanon, other family support groups or an addiction counselor can offer encouragement and help you break out of old patterns when dealing with your loved one.

13. Make a plan
Regardless of what worries you the most about recovery or relapse make sure you protect yourself; financially, emotionally.
Having a plan ensures you have thought out before hand all the transitions recovery will bring to your relationship with your loved one.

14. Setting boundaries with someone in addiction is not easy!
It can be the best defense against allowing them to cause chaos in your life.
Setting boundaries build character to the family unit as well.

15. Following through with boundaries
The importance of a healthy boundary is crucial in dealing with addiction. Addiction brings with it a roller coaster of emotions, a lot of resistance and destruction. A boundary helps you to not loose sight of the goal for the family. Regardless of the choices your addict chooses.
Setting realistic boundaries is important so that everybody understands and can live within the perimeters of the new boundaries. Ex. Cell phone, car boundaries, curfew.

16. Boundaries offer: Self-protection Taking responsibility for one’s self
Gives a sense of control and choice
Delays immediate gratification
Teaches respecting the limits of others

17. Self-protection
Boundaries are designed to keep the good in and the bad out. Boundaries allows us to define our values.

18. Taking Responsibility for one’s self
Without boundaries it becomes difficult to distinguish our needs from others needs. And when this happens relationships can actually thrive instead of become messy. Boundaries allow for us to learn the process of self care. Self care over a lifetime is an important skill to learn. They can teach us: our success or failure largely depends on self, I am responsible for my choices in life, I must live with the consequences of my actions, I can’t blame others for my choices in life.

19. Teach a Sense of Control and Choice
A lack of boundaries can turn well meaning parents into the most anxious parents. They want to shield their children from hurtful and harmful decisions. Boundaries teaches an addict that they need to learn to weigh their choices rather then avoid them. It teaches them to appreciate the consequences of their actions rather then blame someone else. Without boundaries the addict will not see themselves as adults able to be independent and responsible.

20. Learn to Delay Immediate Gratification:
We don’t like the word later…we like the word now. Boundaries help to establish the ability to say no to our impulses, wishes and desires in return for a greater good. It develops the life skill of making and reaching toward a goal. We value the things we have to work the hardest for.

21. Learn to Respect the Limits of Others:
The addict needs to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Learning to respect others teaches them to take responsibility for themselves. The longer a person is in the position to hate and resist the limits of others the more they end up being dependent on others…a catch 22. Even more importantly it teaches the addict empathy. They want their no respected, they need to respect another’s no. Without respect they become self-centered and controlling.

22. Boundary Myths: If I set boundaries, I’m being selfish
If I start setting boundaries I will be hurt by others.
If I set boundaries I will hurt others.
Boundary mean I am angry.
Boundaries cause feelings of guilt.
Boundaries are permanent.

23. If I set boundaries I’m being selfish:
Appropriate boundaries actually increase our ability to care about others. We can’t expect others to know our needs and meet them automatically. Meeting our own needs creates a sense of independence and accomplishment. People with healthy boundaries are the most secure self confident people.

24. If I set boundaries , I will hurt other:
Appropriate boundaries don’t control, attack, or hurt anyone. Saying no to someone may cause them discomfort and they may have to look else where but it doesn't’t hurt them. Learning to protect your time or your resources with an addict is crucial.

25. Boundaries mean I am angry:
Beginning to set boundaries can cause emotions to surface. When you begin to set boundaries and follow through with your limits you can experience for a time anger. This is not a new emotion but an old emotion that just recognized you have been taken advantage of in the past. This can be a good thing…it can be the motivation to start seeing things clearly for the first time. In the future if you can prevent boundary violations it will decrease your anger.

26. Boundaries cause feelings of guilt:
You never need to feel guilty at protecting your self, whether it be your values, your check book, your time. No one will look out for you like you can look out for yourself. Others can try to make you feel guilty but remember you must give them permission to do so.

27. Boundaries are permanent:
Your boundaries are yours! You own them! You can always revisit and reestablish boundaries. If you set limits with someone and they respond maturely and lovingly you can always renegotiate your boundary. As you grow and your loved one grows boundaries can be moved.
Townsend”s book on boundaries