1. The Chemistry of Love: Theoretical Approaches to Partner Selection
Based on theories of Harvell Hendrex
Linda L. Zimmerman, M.A., LCPC
Professor of Psychology and Student Development

2. Biological Theory Men look for: enhancement of the species
classic beauty
good bone structure
clear skin, shiny hair
bright eyes, red lips
rosy cheeks

3. Biological Theory Women look for: pronounced “alpha” qualities
ability to dominate other males
ability to bring home more than their share of the kill.

4. Social Psychology Theory
“Exchange” theory of mate selection:
We select mates who are more or less our equals
We look for youth, beauty, social rank, charm, intelligence, compassion.

5. Persona Theory Each of us has a mask, a persona we show other people.
Based on the potential of the suitor to enhance our self-image.
You feel more attractive, desirable when with this person.
You feel better about yourself to be seen with this person.

6. The people we are attracted to seem to resemble each other quite closely.
We seem to be searching for a very definite set of positive and negative traits.
Physical
Personality

7. Partner Selection Three Theories: 1. biological 2. social psychology
3. persona
All have some validity, but is there more to how we select partners?

8. How is the brain involved in forming relationships?
Neuroscientist Paul McLean suggests a model that divides the brain into three concentric layers:
1. Cerebral Cortex - “new” brain
2. Limbic System - “old” brain
3. Brain Stem - “old” brain

9. 1. Cerebral Cortex “New” Brain
most highly developed in humans
in contact with daily surroundings
conscious, alert, logical, makes decisions
thinks, observes, plans, anticipates, responds
organizes information, creates ideas

10. 2. Limbic System - “Old” Brain Located around the top of the brain stem
Generates vivid emotions:
fear
aggression
caring
emotional pain
pleasure

11. 3. Brain Stem - “Old Reptilian” Brain
Most primitive layer, oversees:
reproduction
self-preservation
vital functions - circulation of blood, breathing, sleeping, contraction of muscles
physical action

12. Old Brain Logic Regarding others, the old brain wants to know if they are someone to:
nurture
be nurtured by
have sex with
run away from
submit to
attack

13. What the Old Brain Remembers
It has no sense of linear time.
It is trapped in an infantile perspective
It expects us to be taken care of as we were as babies

14. When current events trigger the old brain, we can suddenly feel angry, sad, abandoned,
afraid.

15. What Happens?
1. Before birth we are safe and warm in our mother’s womb.
2. Birth (rudely) forces us out of our idyllic existence.
3. After birth for a short time we are unified with ourselves and perfectly connected to the world.

16. Socialization Occurs
indoctrination with societies laws, beliefs, and values
messages transmitted about who we are and how we should behave
limits on the individual
socialization becomes a form of psychic injury

17. socialization becomes a form of psychic injury
Socialization Occurs
socialization becomes a form of psychic injury

18. Body Taboos, Sensuality, Sexuality
We are taught:
not to touch our genitals.
to cover certain parts of our bodies.
to feel embarrassment and guilt when norms are breached.
to disown parts of our sensuality.

19. The False Self Sexually Repressive, Distant Mother
The child may:
become a “tough guy” who tells himself he can make it on his own.
exaggerate problems in the hope someone will come to her rescue
hoard love and material objects, but will never have enough

20. Child’s Stages in Reaction to Parental Repression
1. Hides forbidden behavior from parents
2. Thinks angry thoughts but does not speak them aloud
3. Explores his body in the privacy of his room

21. Child’s Stages in Reaction to Parental Repression
4. teases younger siblings when parents are away
5. eventually decides some thoughts and feelings must be eliminated

22. Child’s Stages in Reaction to Parental Repression
6. gets a jolt of anxiety whenever he/she comes close to the forbidden thoughts or behaviors
7. constructs an imaginary parent in his head to police his/her thoughts and actions (superego)

23. Negative Emotions Some parents:
try to tease children out of being angry or upset.
ignore angry feelings.
punish child for his/her anger.

24. Negative Emotions The child reacts by: repressing his/her anger.
internalizing the anger.
trying to disown that part of the self.

25. The Disowned Self
“lost self” - the parts repressed in response to demands of society or parents

26. The Disowned Self
2. “false self” - the facade erected to fill the void created by repression and lack of adequate nurturing

27. The Disowned Self
3. “disowned self” - negative parts of the false self that met with disapproval and were therefore denied

28. Two Distinct Types Develop
Fusers
Grew up with parents who
were not or could not be close, warm, or nurturing
were cold, detached.

29. Fusers Unconsciously fear abandonment
Always want to “do things together.”
Appear to be insecure
Hold on too tight
Appear needy
Generally select an “isolator” as a partner

30. Two Distinct Types Develop
Isolators
Grew up with parents who
could not or would not let them explore or venture out
Were engulfing, confining.

31. Isolators Unconsciously push others away, “need space”
Feels dread when things become too intimate
Fears being pinned down, stuck
Generally select a fuser as a partner

32. Fusers and Isolators
These two types tend to grow up and marry each other, thus beginning an infuriating game of push and pull that leaves neither partner satisfied.
Harville Hendrix, Ph.D., Getting the Love you Want, 1998.

33. Which one describes you better?
Fuser or Isolator
Which one describes you better?
i.e. what is your unconscious need?

34. Your Personality
Contains:
intact parts of your original self.
certain aspects of your false self.
We fervently believe that finding the perfect mate will make us whole again.

35. What are we really looking for?*
someone to make up for the psychological and emotional damage we experienced in our childhood
someone to heal our invisible childhood scars
*according to Harville Hendrix

36. Will We Find It in Another Person?

37. Or Must We Look for IT in Ourselves?

38. What do you think?