1. Domestic Violence in the Christian Home
Domestic Violence in the Christian Home Helping the Church Respond - Con’t
Chris Moles

2. An Abuse of Power Objectification Forced Submission No or Limited
Four Foundational Elements of Domestic Violence - Review
An Abuse of Power
Objectification
Forced Submission
No or Limited
Consequences

3. Church we have a problem.

4. Church we have a problem.
When it comes to domestic violence, Protestant pastors want to be helpful but often don’t know where to start.
Most say their church would be a safe haven for victims of domestic violence.
But many don’t know if anyone in their church has been a victim of domestic violence. And only half say they have a plan in place to help if a victim comes forward.

5. Church we have a problem.
In terms of responding to domestic violence, Clergy consistently rate among the least helpful when compared to family, friends, psychologist, law enforcement, and social services.
One research agency mailed 5700 pastors a questionnaire regarding their responses to domestic violence, 10 pastors responded.

6. Church we have a problem.
“Many pastors aren’t aware if domestic violence is happening in their congregation,” McConnell said. “And even if they are aware, they often don’t know how to help.”
“Faith leaders are first responders. You wouldn’t send someone into a burning building as a first responder without training. So in the same way, faith leaders shouldn’t have to respond to victims and survivors without critical training.” Anne Marie Hunter (Methodist minister and founder of Safe Havens)

7. As for Biblical Counselors...

8. “You need to work on being more submissive.”
“Respect him more, and it will work out.”
"You need to attend marriage counseling together”
“Pray more, read your bible, have more sex.”
“Let God handle him, suffer for Jesus.”
”You need to love him more.”
“He didn’t mean to hit you.”
“Don't do anything to prevent your husband from killing you. Do not fight divine providence.”
“If you don’t keep lighting those matches, he probably won’t keep exploding.”
“He didn’t just hit you for no reason. What did you do?”

9. “I was encouraged to start dating my husband after period of separation from abusive behaviors even though he had not gone through appropriate counseling. I listened to my pastors even though I was hesitant and it was harmful. After all I’ve been through, I realize now that many of these situations need more, Pastors may be doing the best they can but they are not trained to deal with these difficult cases. Often more harm is done as the woman is told to continue to forgive (of course we need to forgive but not give more opportunities to be harmed) and try harder and the man is not held accountable for his actions. He has repentant words and tears though the action of true repentance is not evident to the spouse.”

10. “We went for Church counseling several times
“We went for Church counseling several times. We met with another couple in the church. Every time I walked away with more brokenness. It was becoming apparent that my role as his wife was to submit. No matter what. I was to wait until God changed his heart and showed him how to be more loving. More compassionate. More controlled with his words. I prayed and prayed. I talked to people from my church. An elder from our Church came to counsel us at our home. It was evident in the first few minutes, he was not there to counsel us. He was there to counsel ME… It was always turned back onto me. Submit to your husband. No matter what.”

11. Understand the Problem

12. Understand the Problem
Rethinking Some Past Approaches
Here are a few responses to domestic violence I’ve encountered from Biblical Counselors.
A Justice Problem: Violence in the home is criminal and primarily the responsibility of law enforcement and the courts. Therefore, abusive men must be incarcerated.
An Anger Problem: Violence is the result of anger and therefore, we must address the perpetrators anger and anger cues.

13. Understand the Problem
Rethinking Some Past Approaches
3. A Marriage Problem: Domestic violence is a result of conflict within the marriage. “It takes two to tango.” Therefore, we must offer Biblical marriage counseling.
4. The Wife has a Problem: Violence is the result of frustration with an un-submissive wife. Violence is not justified but “understandable”. Violence is exaggerated. Therefore, we must teach Biblical submission and the theology of suffering.

14. Actually…
A Heart Problem: Violence begins in the heart of the abusive husband. Therefore, the gospel is his only real hope.
While we’re here, let’s talk about the giant MALE elephant in the room.

15. The most effective means of reducing violence against women is addressing the heart of men.
“David burned with anger against the man and said to Nathan, “As surely as the Lord lives, the man who did this must die! He must pay for that lamb four times over, because he did such a thing and had no pity.” Then Nathan said to David, “You are the man!”

16. The most effective means of reducing violence against women is addressing the heart of men.
“Biblical Counselors have the tools, skill, position, and call from God to be THE voice of hope in a culture of violence by comforting victims and confronting abusers.”

17. Definition
“AN ABUSE OF POWER, MANIFESTED THROUGH SELFISHLY MOTIVATED PATTERNS OF BEHAVIOR INTENDED TO EXERCISE OR MAINTAIN CONTROL OVER ONE’S PARTNER.”

18. 5 Key Categories to consider
Physical Abuse: Hitting, slapping, shoving, grabbing, pinching, biting, hair pulling, etc are types of physical abuse. This type of abuse also includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.
Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Sexual abuse includes, but is certainly not limited to, marital rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.
Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual's sense of Personhood or self. This may include, but is not limited to constant criticism, diminishing one's abilities, name-calling, or damaging one's relationship with his or her children.

19. 5 Key Categories to consider
Economic Abuse: Is defined as making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one's access to money, or forbidding one's attendance at school or employment.
Psychological Abuse: Elements of psychological abuse include  - but are not limited to - causing fear by intimidation; threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner's family or friends; destruction of pets and property; and forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

20. Tactics
“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.”
Luke 6:43-45
Pride

21. Tactics
Intimidation
 - Making the victim afraid by using looks, actions, gestures
 - Smashing things
 - Destroying the victim’s property
 - Abusing pets
 - Displaying weapons

22. Tactics 2. Ridicule - Putting the victim down
- Making the victim feel bad about themselves
- Calling the victim names
- Making the victim think they’re crazy
- Playing mind games
- Humiliating the victim
- Making the victim feel guilty

23. Tactics 3. Using Isolation
- Controlling what the victim does, who the victim sees and talks to, what the victim reads, where the victim goes.
- Limiting the victim’s outside involvement
- Using jealousy to justify actions
4. Minimization, Denial, and Blame
- Making light of the abuse
- Not taking the victim’s concerns seriously
- Saying the abuse didn’t happen
 - Shifting blame for abusive behavior
 - Saying the victim caused it
5. Using the Children
- Making the victim feel guilty about the children
- Using the children to relay messages
- Using visitation to harass the victim
- Threatening to take the children away
6. Male Privilege
- Treating the victim like a servant
- Making all the big decisions
- Acting like the “master of the castle”
- Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.
7. Economic Abuse
- Preventing the victim from getting or keeping a job
- Making the victim ask for money
- Giving the victim an allowance
- Taking the victim’s money
- Not letting the victim know about or have access to family income
8. Coercion and Threats
- Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt the victim
- Threatening to leave the victim, to commit suicide, to report them to welfare
- Making the victim drop charges
- Making the victim do illegal things

24. Tactics 5. Using the Children
 - Making the victim feel guilty about the children
 - Using the children to relay messages
 - Using visitation to harass the victim
 - Threatening to take the children away
6. Hyper-Headship
 - Treating the victim like a servant
 - Making all the big decisions
 - Acting like the “master of the castle”
 - Being the one to define men’s and women’s roles.

25. Tactics 7. Economic control
7. Economic control
 - Preventing the victim from getting or keeping a job
 - Making the victim ask for money
 - Giving the victim an allowance
 - Taking the victim’s money
 - Not letting the victim know about or have access to family income

26. Tactics 8. Coercion and Threats
8. Coercion and Threats
 - Making and/or carrying out threats to do something to hurt the victim
 - Threatening to leave the victim, to commit suicide, to report them to welfare
 - Making the victim drop charges
 - Making the victim do illegal things

27. What can we do now?
Theologically (some thoughts)
1. Oppose Hyper-Headship: Teach Christ-like servant leadership and Biblical submission.
2. Value women and oppose Oppression: Follow the example of Jesus.
3. Have honest/thoughtful conversations regarding divorce and abuse.
4. Declare Publicly that abuse, in all its forms is SIN!

28. What can we do now?
Counseling Practice (some reminders)
1. Gather Relevant Information (More of the Train)
2. Discern the Problem Biblically (The Abuse > The Marriage)
3. Build Relationship (Avoid building a case)
4. Offer Hope (Comfort the Victim / Confront the Abuser)
5. Provide Instruction (Teach Biblical Truth not Preference)
6. Assign Homework (Trauma Informed for the victim / High Accountability for the Offender)

29. What can we do now?
Practical Advice
1. Prioritize safety
2. Listen compassionately
3. Avoid quick fixes
4. Increase understanding
5. Provide for immediate needs
6. Provide accountability

30. Use our Power to Serve
Value our wives & sisters
Biblical Submission
Accountability

31. Moving Forward