1. Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships
YD1596
Rachelle Vettern, Ph.D., Leadership and Volunteer Development Specialist
Sharon Query, Ph.D., Youth Development Specialist
Crystal Glanzer, Center for 4-H Graduate Assistant

2. Objectives
Identify key components of healthy and unhealthy relationships
Describe gender differences related to relationships
Recognize key steps in the progression of relationships
Use the 6 Pillars of Character as guidelines for a healthy relationship
Identify qualities/characteristics wanted from a relationship 2
Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships

3. Views of Relationships
“Every kid in my class either has a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I don’t have a girlfriend yet, so I use the excuse that girls don’t look good yet. But how long can I hold out with that same excuse?” Girlfriendless
“I’ve been with this guy for three months now, but I think I might like someone else. Which guy do I choose?” Stuck in the middle
“I’m not really popular enough for a ton of guys to like me. But the problem is, the ones that do are mostly nerds. They all make such a big deal about liking me, it’s almost ruining my reputation. What should I do?” (not signed)
As these quotes show, romantic relationships can be hard to navigate, yet they are something we all long for in some capacity. Throughout this presentation, we will take a closer look at relationships and how to have a healthy one. 3
Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships

4. Attraction
Definition: providing pleasure or delight, especially in appearance or manner; pleasing; charming; alluring; an attractive personality
Most relationships begin with some form of attraction. What exactly is attraction?
According to the dictionary, the word “attractive” means providing pleasure or delight, especially in appearance or manner; pleasing; charming; alluring: an attractive personality.
Question to the class: Can you think of someone you’ve been attracted to instantly? Please share some words that describe this person. 4
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5. Attraction We find three types of attraction in romantic partners:
Opposite-sex attraction
Same-sex attraction
Attraction to both sexes
Three Types of Attraction
Attraction takes multiple forms. Three of them are heterosexuality, which is attraction to members of the opposite gender, homosexuality, which is attraction to the same gender, and bisexuality is being attracted to members of the opposite sex and the same sex. 5
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6. Attraction
What do you find attractive? (appearance, personality, abilities, etc.)
What do you think is the most significant factor in determining someone’s attractiveness?
What do you think is the difference among attraction, infatuation, and love?
Facilitator note: Lead a large-group discussion of these questions before engaging students in the Healthy Relationships Want Ad activity. 6
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7. Healthy Relationships
Want Ad Activity
Activity
Divide participants into small groups of 3-5. Hand out a piece of plain white paper and pencils. Ask the students to write a “want ad” for what they would want in a boyfriend/girlfriend. The ad should be no longer than half a page. Give them five to 10 minutes to write the ad, then have them share their ad with another group of students. Have them compare and contrast the similarities and differences. Ask the students if they found something they wanted to include in their ad after looking at some of the other ads. Ask the students who have dated/are dating to think about whether the characteristics in their ad are similar to someone they have dated in the past/are dating. What could explain the similarities or differences? 7
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8. Healthy Relationships
Want Ad Activity
Write a group “want ad” for what you would want in a boyfriend/girlfriend.
The ad should be no longer than half a page. You have five to 10 minutes to write your ad.
Be ready to share your ad with a small group.
This group will compare and contrast the similarities and differences.
For those of you who have dated/are dating, think about whether the characteristics in your ad are similar to someone you have dated in the past or are dating. What could explain the similarities or differences?
Healthy Relationships Want Ad Activity 8
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9. Why Do We Date? Influence of peers and friends
Relationships are fun and enticing
Our culture is full of romance
Personal need
A sign of status and desirability
Discussion question to the participants: Why do teenagers date?
Influence of peers and friends: Social scripts play a role in determining what an individual should be doing at any given time. One of the influences during adolescence is the script of dating (Furman et al., 1999). This says that during adolescence, the social norm is to date and that one of the “roles” we play is to be in a relationship. (How many times have you heard a friend say, “We need to find you someone?”) Social pressure from peers and friends can influence dating.
Relationships are enticing: Being in love is like a kind of high. It releases chemicals in the brain that give the feeling of pleasure (Furman et al., 1999). Relationships are fun and we want to be in them.
Western culture is full of romance: Western culture emphasizes relationships and romance. By looking at media alone, that becomes evident. Relationships are associated with affection, tenderness and love (Furman et al., 1999).
Personal needs: Our personal needs including companionship, intimacy, help, affection, enhancement of worth, giving to someone else and having a reliable ally, are met through relationships (Shulman, S. and Collins, W. 1997). These are positive aspects that make us want to date.
A sign of status and desirability: Relationships can be a sign of social status. They also can prove to you and others that you are desirable. 9
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10. Define The Relationship
DTR
Activity
Define The Relationship
Listed on the sheet of paper are seven different forms of relationships
Please read the definitions and see if you can match it with the word that describes that relationship
Be ready to discuss with the large group
Option A: DRT/Define the Relationship Activity
Ask for 16 volunteers. Give one card to each person who volunteers for the activity. Have the person with the term find the definition that describes it. Discuss whether matching the terms with the definitions was easy or hard.
Listed on the sheet of paper are 7 different forms of relationships.
Please read the definitions and see if you can match them with the word describing each relationship.
Be ready to discuss this with the large group.
Option B: DRT/Define the Relationship Worksheet 10
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11. DTR Define The Relationship Hooking up Friends with benefits
Hanging out
Dating
Seeing each other
Going out
Boyfriend/girlfriend
Hooking Up: System for socializing , short-lived, nonexclusive. A purposely ambiguous, equivocal word to describe almost any sexual action. Usually used to exaggerate or minimize what exactly happened. A hook-up can range from a make-out session to full sex.
Friends With Benefits: Platonic partners who engage in casual sexual activity without being emotionally involved and without any commitment.
Hanging Out: This term has replaced the word “dating” for some people. It is considered even more casual than dating and usually involves one or both of the partners seeing other people. It is a term to identify a lack of commitment to having a partner.
Dating: Early stages of a relationship where two people go out on dates to find out what each other is like as a prelude to actually being a full-fledged couple.
Seeing Each Other: A step above dating. You now share more than just time with each other. You probably have met all their friends and have gone to parties and other social events together. You may not have made the commitment verbally, but it is understood. Neither of you is seeing another person, but you haven’t made it official. The maximum time recommended to stay in this stage is three months.
Going Out: Youth who are romantically involved, usually during middle school or early high school; may involve activities such as walking to class together or dancing to slow songs at dances. They say and think they are “going out” without actually going out.
Boyfriend/girlfriend: A couple in a monogamous, committed relationship. You have announced verbally that you have official titles, and you no longer are seeing other people. This is the stage in which you make your relationship official on Facebook.
Remember that labels are just labels. Don’t let society’s terminology define your relationship. Those in a relationship need to be on the same page about the stage of their relationship. Talk about that together and enjoy each other’s company.
Retrieved from April 18, 2011 11
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12. Men and Women Men and women view relationships differently:
Men tend to view relationships as a place to satisfy their emotional and physical needs.
Women tend to view relationships as having someone to make them feel happy/special/ good and to do nice things for them.
Question for the class: How do you think gender affects relationships?
Men and women see relationships differently. Relationships help us meet some of our personal/social needs, but the way our needs are met can be different based on gender. Whether we want to admit it or not, gender plays a role in how individuals see relationships. The influence may be small or great, depending on the person, but regardless, the influence is there. Men and women enter relationships with preconceived notions of what a relationship should look like. Men tend to view relationships as a place to satisfy their emotional and physical needs, while women tend to view relationships as having someone to make them feel happy/special/good and do nice things for them (Watson et al., 2004). Even seeing the difference in what men and women expect from relationships shows that gender plays a role in relationships. 12
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13. ? Questions of the Opposite Gender
Divide into same gender groups with poster paper and markers.
Write all of the questions you have about the other gender. Questions must be directed to the other group, not a specific person.
Pick a spokesperson from your group and ask the questions of the opposite gender.
After 15 minutes, have the group come together and discuss the questions, going back and forth from males to females.
Activity: “Questions of the opposite gender.” See resources for directions on this activity.
Divide into same gender groups with poster paper and markers.
Write all of the questions they have about the other gender. Questions must be directed to the other group, not a specific person.
Pick a spokesperson from your group and ask the questions of the opposite gender.
After 15 minutes, have the group come together and discuss the questions, going back and forth from males to females
Activity reference: Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: Sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, Pg. 166. 13
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14. Questions of the Opposite Gender
Discussion Questions
How did you feel doing this activity?
Was this activity useful in any way?
Did anyone learn anything new about the other gender?
Did anyone learn anything new about his/her own gender?
Activity reference: Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: Sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, Pg. 166. 14
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15. Gender Roles “Do guys ask girls out?” “Who pays for activities/dates?”
“Is it OK not to date?”
“Is it worse for males or females not to be seeing someone?”
“Is there really a double standard saying that if men have sex, they are patted on the back, but if women have sex, they are looked down upon?”
Activity 2:
Discussion on gender roles: Have mixed-gender groups get together to answer these questions and report back to the class.
“Do guys ask girls out?”
“Who pays for activities/dates?”
“Is it OK not to date?”
“Is it worse for males or females not to be seeing someone?”
“Is there really a double standard saying that if men have sex, they are patted on the back, but if women have sex, they looked down upon?” 15
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16. What Guys Think about Sex, Love, Contraception and Relationships
That’s What He Said
What Guys Think about Sex, Love, Contraception and Relationships
To better understand what guys think about these issues, the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy and Seventeen magazine developed and commissioned a survey of 1,200 boys and men ages 15 to 22. (Complete methodology, glossary of terms and data summary can be found beginning on Page 7 of the publication.*) The survey results presented in That’s What He Said shed light on what guys think - and how they behave – about love, sex, contraception, relationships, unplanned pregnancy and related issues. Often, discussions about a guys’ responsibilities don’t happen until it’s time to buy diapers. The survey asked about their attitudes and actions pertaining to romance and relationships to paint a more complete picture and encourage more informed conversation.
The results may surprise you. Many commonly accepted stereotypes about guys - that they’re all in a rush to have sex, that relationships don’t matter, that they don’t care what girls or their parents think - are not supported by this survey. However, other stereotypes - the double standard that exists between the genders about sex and the fact that guys tend to lie a lot about sex - live on.
Interestingly, not a lot of dramatic differences occur between the responses from high school-aged guys (ages 15 to 18) and those from the older respondents (ages 19 to 22). Certainly, the older group has had more relationships and more sexual experience, but their attitudes, anxieties, intentions and knowledge gaps tend to be consistent with those of the younger group. Notable differences in responses by age are highlighted.
* Reference: National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy: What guys think about sex, love, contraception and relationships (2010).
Facilitator note: Please choose four to five slides on the set of statistics to cover with your group. Using all of the slides may cause your group to lose interest. If desired, pass out the handout that includes all the statistics for participants to fill out and/or take home. 16
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17. That’s What He Said
What percentage of guys could be happy in a relationship that doesn’t include sex?
12%
24%
40%
66%
74%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 17
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18. That’s What He Said 0% 2% 15% 21% 32%
What percentage of guys have been pressured by a girl to go further sexually than they wanted? 0% 2%
15%
21%
32%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 19
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19. That’s What He Said
What percentage of guys have more respect for girls who say “No” to sex?
24%
47%
66%
73%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 21
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20. That’s What He Said
What percentage of sexually experienced guys say the first time they had sex was a “big deal”?
67%
50%
28%
10% 5%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 23
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21. That’s What He Said
What percentage of guys have had sex with a girl when they knew she was drunk?
29%
36%
41%
55%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 26
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22. How many guys have lied about how far they’ve gone sexually?
That’s What He Said
How many guys have lied about how far they’ve gone sexually?
2/5
3/10
2/3
1/4
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 28
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23. What percentage of guys would “gladly” wear a condom if asked?
That’s What He Said
What percentage of guys would “gladly” wear a condom if asked?
17%
29%
60%
83%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 30
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24. That’s What He Said
What percentage of males have had conversations with their parents about preventing pregnancy?
28%
53%
75%
100%
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 32
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25. That’s What He Said True False
The majority of guys say sex wouldn’t make them stay in a relationship they didn’t want to be in.
True
False
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 34
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26. That’s What He Said
What percent of guys would NOT consider someone “girlfriend material” if they knew she had sex with someone she just met?
1/5
2/3
4/5
3/4
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 36
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27. Relationship Progression
Meet him/her face to face or online
Build friendship/relationship
Realize feelings beyond friendship exist
Share feelings with that person
Decide if a relationship is a good idea
Start dating
What is normal? Unfortunately, one “normal” relationship progression does not exist, but some general trends can help in determining the progression of your relationship.
How does a relationship form?
-Meet him/her
-Build the relationship: This takes on many forms. It could be through a similar interest, mutual friends or being in the same classes. It involves getting to know the other person better. Some relationships grow quickly while others take time to mature.
Relationship Progression Ladder 38
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28. Activity Putting Steps in Order
Ask for 16 volunteers to come to the front.
Hand out cards with steps on them in a random order.
Ask volunteers to put themselves in order of how they think a relationship should develop.
Putting Steps in Order Activity
Ask for 16 volunteers to come to the front.
Hand out cards with steps on them in a random order.
Ask volunteers to put themselves in order of how they think a relationship should develop.
Once a relationship is formed, research has shown that many relationships follow a general pattern. This pattern is a general order of the steps in which relationships progress. Not all of these steps are found in every relationship, and a relationship may stop at any point along the sequence. The following is a general relationship progression found to be common among most ethnicities if the entire sequence is completed.
Spend time with a partner in a group
Hold partner’s hand
Think of themself and partner as a couple
Meet partner’s parent(s)/guardian(s)
Spend time alone with partner
Kiss partner
See less of friends
Exchange gifts (for various reasons)
Declare love for each other
Share deep personal or family experiences
Touch partner under/without clothes
Talk about birth control/STIs (sexually transmitted infections)
Touch partner’s genitals
Have oral sex
Have sexual intercourse
Possible pregnancy (O’Sullivan, 2007)
Every relationship will not go through all the steps. Relationships can end during any point of the progression. Also note that stopping the progression if/when you feel uncomfortable is acceptable. For example, nothing is wrong with staying at step 6, kissing, without progressing further. Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do.
Note: Marriage was not included as one of the steps in the relationship progression because this curriculum is targeted toward high school students. The purpose of this exercise is to allow students to think about the order of relationships. Most adolescents are not thinking about getting married during high school. Each state has its own policies on the legal age for marriage. In North Dakota, the minimum age requirement is 18, and 16 with parental consent (Code Section ). 39
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29. Putting Steps in Order Discussion Questions
Was putting the steps in order difficult?
Does a RIGHT order exist?
What happens when steps get out of order?
What can happen if a couple becomes physically intimate before they develop a strong emotional relationship?
Discussion Questions:
Was putting the steps in order difficult?
Does a RIGHT order exist?
What happens when steps get out of order?
What can happen if a couple becomes physically intimate before they develop a strong emotional relationship? 40
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30. Reflection Reflect on these questions silently for a few moments:
How far on the progression do you want to go? Where do you want to stop?
Where on the progression does the double standard start?
If you were in a relationship that suddenly ended and the other person shared the private details of your relationship with others, at what step in the progression would you feel embarrassed about other people knowing? 41
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31. Consequences of Having a Physical Relationship Before Developing an Emotional One
Sexually transmitted infections: Half of new cases occur in people ages 15 to 24 (American Social Health Association, 2011).
Pregnancy: Each year, 750,000 teens will get pregnant (Pregnant Teen Help, 2011).
One individual may become more emotionally attached than the other.
Ask yourself what you have to look forward to if you have sex before you become friends and form a bond with the other person.
Are you emotionally ready to handle all that comes with a sexual relationship?
Engaging in sexual activity before a relationship is firmly established has repercussions.
*If you do not know this person well, you probably have not had a conversation about his/her past sexual history, and that history may include an STI (sexually transmitted infection). Many STIs can be cured through medication, but some, such as herpes and HIV/AIDS, are lifelong and cannot be reversed.
*If you haven’t had a conversation about birth control and don’t use protection, pregnancy could result. Two-thirds of all teen mothers do not graduate from high school.
Note: STI is the broadest term available: all STDs are STIs, but not all STIs are STDs.
A sexually transmitted infection (STI) is an invasion of and multiplication in bodily tissue by a microorganism (for example, bacterium, virus, protozoan) that usually is passed from one person to another during intimate bodily contact. A sexually transmitted disease (STD), involves manifested damage to the body with or without symptoms secondary to the infection (according to Crisis Pregnancy Center (2007). Retrieved May 5, 2011, from
Statistics found at American Social Health Association’s website:
Statistics found at The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy 42
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32. Activity With Whom Would You Do It What is intimacy?
What comes to mind when you hear the expression: “do it?”
Questions for the participants: “What is intimacy?” and “What comes to mind when you hear the expression ‘do it’?”
As human beings, we all crave intimacy, or closeness to another person. Intimate relationships are essential to our health and survival, but where we find intimacy depends a lot on how we think about intimacy. Quite often, people define intimacy very narrowly as explicitly sexual behavior and often only with people in whom we are romantically interested. During this activity, we will consider pleasurable and intimate activities other than sexual ones.
Activity Reference: Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: Sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, Pg. 170. 43
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33. Activity With Whom Would You Do It
Fill out the worksheet with the name of a male and female with whom you would do each activity (names may be repeated).
Circle any activities you would enjoy doing by yourself.
Activity instructions:
Pass out a copy of the “With Whom Would You Do It” worksheet.
Tell the participants that the sheet will not be collected and they do not need to put their names on the sheet. The activity is for their own personal growth and use.
Give the students 10 to 15 minutes to fill out the sheet and circle the activities they would enjoy doing on their own.
Proceed to the next slide for activity questions and discussion.
Reference: Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: Sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, Pg. 170. 44
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34. Activity With Whom Would You Do It
Was coming up with male or female names harder for most of the activities?
Did you use different criteria for partners for different activities?
Which of these activities are based on relationships with emotional closeness? Physical closeness? Intellectual closeness? Other kinds of closeness?
Optional questions for the participants:
Was coming up with male or female names harder for most of the activities?
Did you use different criteria for partners for different activities?
Which of these activities are based on relationships with emotional closeness? Physical closeness? Intellectual closeness? Other kinds of closeness?
Reference: Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: Sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, Pg. 170. 45
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35. Activity With Whom Would You Do It
Did any of the names you put on your list surprise you?
Did you learn anything about yourself?
Did your understanding of “intimacy” change? If so, how?
Optional questions for the participants:
Did any of the names you put on your list surprise you?
Did you learn anything about yourself?
Did your understanding of “intimacy” change? If so, how?
Closing the activity
We need intimacy throughout our lives and express that need in a variety of ways. Sexual intimacy is not the only type of intimacy available. At times, it might not even be possible or desirable. You know people with whom you might like to share intimacy but not sexual activity. In addition, we all have times in our lives when we are alone, but being alone does not have to mean being lonely. Often being by ourselves can be enjoyable as well as healthy.
Reference: Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: Sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, Pg. 170. 46
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36. “Like” Me? How Do I Get Someone to Be yourself
Be a person of good character
Enjoy life/do what you love to do
We just talked about how a relationship progresses and the need for intimacy. Many individuals (youth and adults) wonder how to start the relationship process. They may ask themselves this question: “How do I get someone to like me?” In some ways, you can’t do anything; each person determines who he/she finds attractive. You do not have control over how others feel about you, but you do have control over who you are and your character.
Be yourself: You are much more likely to have a healthy relationship if you can be yourself. Oftentimes, confidence in one’s self is attractive.
Work on improving your character: Having strong character is the second highest trait that individuals look for in someone with whom they want to have a relationship (the first is mutual attraction-love) (Arnett, 2007). Remember the six pillars: trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring and citizenship.
Enjoy life/do what you love to do: Do the things you are passionate about (whether that is basketball, choir, 4-H, speech team or theater). Enjoying yourself will bring you personal satisfaction. Others will see that in you and be drawn to you.
You cannot make anyone like you. Others have to like you for who you are. Be confident in yourself, strengthen who you are and do what you love. Who wouldn’t be attracted to someone like that?
Who wouldn’t be attracted to a person like this?
Build Your Character!  47
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37. 6 Pillars of Character? Are You an Example of the Trustworthiness
Respect
Responsibility
Fairness
Caring
Citizenship
Facilitator note: Pass out the “Using the 6 Pillars” handout for the students to reference. Ask teens to think about which of their pillars are strong and which may need a little strengthening as you quickly read through the descriptions of each pillar.
Most individuals want to be in a relationship with someone of good character. The foundation of a healthy relationship is trust. Along with being trustworthy, most people want to be involved with someone who is respectful, reasonable/fair, caring and a good citizen. If you are in a relationship but are not happy with it, could one or more of these character qualities be missing? When talking about having healthy relationships, you need to start with yourself. These qualities can help you become a person of good character.
Trustworthiness
Be honest.
Don’t deceive, cheat or steal.
Have the courage to do the right thing.
Be reliable. Do what you say you’ll do.
Build a good reputation.
Be loyal. Stand by your family and friends.
Respect
Treat others with respect. Follow the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would want to be treated.
Be tolerant of differences.
Use good manners, not bad language.
Be considerate of the feelings of others.
Don’t threaten, hit, or hurt anyone.
Responsibility
Do what you are supposed to do.
Persevere. Keep trying.
Use self-control. Be self-disciplined.
Always do your best.
Think before you act. Consider the consequences.
Be accountable for your choices.
Fairness
Play by the rules.
Take turns and share.
Be open-minded. Listen to others.
Don’t take advantage of others.
Don’t blame others carelessly.
Caring
Be kind.
Be compassionate and show you care.
Forgive others.
Express gratitude.
Help people in need.
Citizenship
Cooperate.
Do your share to make your school and community better.
Stay informed. Vote.
Be a good neighbor.
Obey laws and rules.
Protect the environment.
Respect authority.
(The Six Pillars and Making Ethical Decisions, 2007, Josephson Institute of Ethics)
(Josephson Institute of Ethics, 2007) 48
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38. 6 Pillars Relationship Inventory
Please think about how you live your life in and outside of relationships.
Read the questions and choose the answer that best represents you.
The quiz will not be collected, but please be ready to discuss this with the person next to you and with the large group.
Facilitator note: Hand out the 6 Pillars Relationship Inventory. Walk around the room to gauge progress so you can move on to discussion as soon as the students are finished. Remind teens that the inventory continues on the back side of the page.
*In discussion, make the point that if they are in a relationship, this might be a good point of conversation with their boyfriend or girlfriend, and in the future, they may want to think about the six pillars before picking a college roommate. 49
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39. Relationship? What is a Healthy Sharing and communication
Respect and trust
Feeling good about being in the relationship
Having fun
Safety
Honesty
Mutual sexual decisions
We have looked at how important character is in a relationship. We are going to look a bit closer at important characteristics of healthy relationships. Some key components are:
Sharing and communication
Respect and trust
Feeling good about being in the relationship
Having fun
Safety
Honesty
Sexual decisions are mutual
Information found at: 50
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40. Relationship? What is an Unhealthy Lack of communication Disrespect
Lack of trust
Dishonesty
Issues of control
Being cut off from friends
Pressured into sexual situations
Remember, relationships are not perfect. For example, either you or your significant other make reach a time when you do not communicate, but that does not mean this one instance makes the relationship unhealthy. At times, unhealthy things can happen in any relationship. However, if the relationship persistently lacks one or more of the healthy characteristics, this could be an indication of a problem.
Many healthy relationships have dysfunctional characteristics in them, and many unhealthy relationships have healthy aspects to them (Florsheim, 2003).
Question to the class: Can you think of an example of something unhealthy happening in a healthy relationship? Can you think of an example of an unhealthy relationship that has a healthy aspect to it? 51
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41. Relationship? What is an Abusive Your partner: Communicates abusively
Is disrespectful through the abuse
Falsely accuses you of flirting or cheating
Does not take responsibility for abuse
Controls you
Isolates you
Forces sexual activity
We covered healthy and unhealthy relationships. The other type of relationship is an abusive relationship.
Some of the characteristics of abusive relationship are if your partner:
Communicates abusively: Screaming, cussing or threatening during disagreements. These can happen even when no argument is taking place. A partner is demeaning or insulting toward the other.
Is disrespectful through abuse: A partner intentionally and continuously disregards your feelings and physical safety.
Falsely accuses the other of flirting or cheating: A partner suspects flirting or cheating without reason and accuses the other, often harming his/her partner verbally or physically as a result.
Doesn’t take responsibility for the abuse: The violent or verbally abusive partner denies or minimizes his/her actions. He/she tries to blame the other for the harm he/she is doing.
Controls you: The relationship lacks equality. What one partner says goes, and if the other partner tries to change this, the abuse increases.
Isolates you: One partner controls where the other one goes, who the other partner sees and to whom he/she talks. The other partner has no personal space and often is isolated from other people.
Forces sexual activity: Only one partner determines the how, when and where of sexual activity. Threats and violence are used prior to or during sexual activity.
Information found at 52
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42. Click here to start Video
Wake-up Call Video
Optional video and discussion: (hyperlink is at the bottom of the slide)
Click here to start Video
From ETR Education, Training, Research Associates 53
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43. Wake-up Call Video Discussion Questions
Does this video seem realistic? Why/why not?
What would you do if you were in the same situation?
Who is to blame for the situation, if anyone?
Questions following the video:
Does this video seem realistic? Why/why not?
What would you do if you were in the same situation?
Who is to blame for the situation, if anyone? 54
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44. Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships Activity
Get into groups of four students.
Each group will be given three scenarios to determine if the relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive.
Write a short rationale explaining your answer and what you think the character should do next.
All groups will report back to the class with their rationale for each situation.
See Resources Handout “Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships” for the scenarios
Get into groups of four students.
Each group will be given three scenarios to determine if the relationship is healthy, unhealthy or abusive.
Write a short rationale explaining your answer and what you think the character should do next.
All groups will report back to the class with their rationale for each situation.
Note: All groups are given the same scenarios so they can compare their answers. 55
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45. Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships Discussion
Did all the groups come up with the same answers for every situation?
How were they similar or different?
What does this activity show about relationships?
What is something you can take away from this activity/lesson?
Healthy and Unhealthy Relationships Discussion
Did all the groups come up with the same answers for every situation?
How were they similar or different?
What does this activity show about relationships?
What is something you can take away from this activity/lesson? 56
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46. You Are Worth It
No one deserves to be in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
Seek help: Talk to a counselor, teacher or parent
Rape and Abuse Crisis Center: (701)
First Link 2-1-1: for 24-hour Assistance in North Dakota or Clay County, MN
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, seek help because no one deserves to be hurt or controlled.
Note: Pass out Abuse Resources Handout 57
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47. How Do You Make Good Decisions?
Decision-making Guide: Ask Yourself
How is the decision going to affect others? (Who are the stakeholders?)
Is the decision based on the six pillars (trustworthiness, respect, responsibility, fairness, caring, good citizenship)?
Note: If violating one pillar clearly is necessary to honor another pillar, do what you sincerely believe will produce the greatest amount of good in the long run.
*Developed by the Josephson Institute of Ethics. CHARACTER COUNTS! is a service mark used by the CHARACTER COUNTS! Coalition, a project of the Josephson Institute of Ethics.
Getting into or ending a relationship with a significant other can be a challenge. Think it through before you make a decision. Making good decisions is important, but that can be hard sometimes.
Here are some additional tips for making wise decisions:
Good decisions usually are not made impulsively.
Think of how your decision impacts others (friends, family, yourself).
If you are stuck, talk to someone you trust, is a role model and acts ethically.
If you make a poor decision, go back and try to fix it (whether that means apologizing, acting differently the next time and/or forgiving yourself). Tomorrow is an opportunity to make the right choice. The ultimate goal should be to be a better person than you were last year. Learn from your poor choice(s) and make a better decision next time.
These materials were developed by the Josephson Institute of Ethics. CHARACTER COUNTS! is a service mark used by the CHARACTER COUNTS! Coalition, a project of the Josephson Institute of Ethics, (2001). 58
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48. Why Break Up? We were two peas in a pod. Cheating Conflict
Unsatisfied with the relationship
Different interests/life goals
Don’t have feelings for him/her anymore; like someone else
Friends/family don’t like significant other
Sometimes couples decide to break up. They have many reasons for breaking up. There is no “wrong” reason to end a relationship. When ending a relationship, each person should be treated with respect and dignity.
Ask: Why do couples break up?
After the students give their answers, share the answers on the slide.
Some common reasons couples break up are:
Cheating
Conflict
Unsatisfied with the relationship
Different interests/life goals
Don’t have feelings for him/her anymore; like someone else
Friends/family don’t like significant other
Breaking up is hard at first, but in time, it will get better (Florsheim, 2003).
We were two peas in a pod. 59
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49. How Should We “Break Up?” “Not So Good” “Good” On Facebook In person
Through text message
Over voice mail
Once you decide you want to break up with your partner, how should you go about doing it?
You have some “good” ways to break up and some “not so good” ways.
Good
In person
Not So Good
On Facebook
Through text message
Over voice mail 60
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50. Consequences of a Break Up? Emotional Mental Physical
Relationship involves the whole person, not just one part
Optional discussion: List some of the effects for each of the three areas (emotional, mental, physical). Which area do you think is affected the most and why? Do you think a breakup can have good and bad consequences or only bad ones?
Breakups can have an effect on every part of a person, including the emotional, mental, and physical self. Some of the emotional effects can include sadness, depression, hurt, abandonment, despair, and jealousy (Furman, W., Brown, B., and Feiring, C., 1999).
Some possible mental effects could be relief, freedom, decrease in self-esteem, and insecurities. Physical consequences could include sexually transmitted infections (STIs), pregnancy, and bodily harm (in the case of an abusive relationship).
Note: STI is the broadest term available: all STDs are STIs, but not all STIs are STDs.
A STI is an invasion of and multiplication in bodily tissue by a microorganism (for example, bacterium, virus, protozoan) that is usually passed from one person to another during intimate bodily contact. A sexually transmitted disease (STD), involves manifest damage to the body with or without symptoms secondary to the infection (according to Crisis Pregnancy Center (2007). Retrieved May 5, 2011, from 61
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51. After It’s All Said and Done Learn relationship skills
Discover what you want in a relationship
Relationships can have long-lasting effects that are positive and negative. No two relationships are alike. They offer many different endings and lessons to be learned.
Outcomes of healthy dating relationships can include:
Learning relationship skills such as communication skills, conflict management and the ability to clarify your personal needs
Discovering what you want out of a relationship, such as characteristics you like/dislike and values you want the other person to hold
Relationships in general are important to all people. Healthy dating relationships can help make you a better person and help you figure out who you are. 62
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52. Evaluation Please complete the evaluation. 63
Relationships can have long-lasting effects that are positive and negative. No two relationships are alike. They offer many different endings and lessons to be learned.
Outcomes of healthy dating relationships can include:
Learning relationship skills such as communication skills, conflict management and the ability to clarify your personal needs
Discovering what you want out of a relationship, such as characteristics you like/dislike and values you want the other person to hold
Relationships in general are important to all people. Healthy dating relationships can help make you a better person and help you figure out who you are. 63
Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships

53. Contact For More Information,
Rachelle Vettern, Ph.D., Leadership and Volunteer Specialist (701)
Sharon Query, Ph.D. 4-H Youth Development Specialist (701) 64
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54. Special Thanks Crystal Glanzer, Center for 4-H Graduate Assistant 65
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55. References 66 Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships
Alan Guttmacher Institute. (1994). Sex and America's Teenagers. New York: Alan Guttmacher Institute. American Social Health Association (n.d.). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, from Answer at Rutgers University (n.d.). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, from Arnett, J. (2007). Adolescence and emerging adulthood: a cultural approach. Upper Saddle River, N.J.: Pearson Education Inc. Atlantic Health System (n.d.). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, from Children’s Hospital Boston (n.d.). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, from Crisis Pregnancy Center (2007). Retrieved May 5, 2011, from Dictionary.com LLC (2010). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, from 66
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56. References 67 Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships
Florsheim, P. (2003). Adolescent romantic relations and sexual behavior: Theory, research, and practical implications. Mahway, N.J.: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Inc. Furman, W., Brown, B., and Feiring, C. (1999). The development of romantic relationship in adolescence. New York, N.Y.: Cambridge University Press. Goldfarb, E., and Casparian, E. (2000) Our whole lives: sexuality education for grades Cleveland, Ohio: Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations. Harper, G., Gannon, C., Watson, S., Catania, J., and Dolcini, M. (2004). The role of close friends in African American adolescents' dating and sexual behavior. Journal of Sex Research, 41(4), Retrieved from E-Journals database Josephson Institute Center for Youth Ethics (2007) CHARACTER Counts! Character Development Seminars. Los Angeles, Calif. 67
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57. References 68 Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships
O'Sullivan, L., Cheng, M., Harris, K., and Brooks-Gunn, J. (2007). I Wanna Hold Your Hand: The Progression of Social, Romantic and Sexual Events in Adolescent Relationships. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 39(2), Retrieved from E-Journals database. Shulman, S., and Collins, W. (1997). Romantic relationships in adolescence: developmental perspectives. San Francisco, Calif.: Jossey-Bass Inc. Smiler, A. (2008). “I wanted to get to know her better”: Adolescent boys’ dating motives, masculinity ideology, and sexual behavior. Journal of Adolescence, 31, doi: /j.adolescence Sternberg, R. (1988). A triangular theory of live. Psychological Review, 93, Teen Pregnancy Statistics, Prevention and Facts (2005). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, from The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2010). Retrieved Oct. 11, 2010, 68
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58. References 69 Navigating Romantic Teen Relationships
The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy (2006). That’s What He Said. Retrieved March 23, 2011, 69
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