1. How to Talk to Your Tween
Nicole Espinoza, LCSW
School Based Social Worker for
The Village of Niles
and District 63

2. Overview Developmental Milestones Communication 101
Modeling Healthy Communication
A Time and a Place
Types of Questions
Active Listening
Conflict Resolution
Expectations and Consequences
Questions

3. This is why tweens and teens make so many mistakes!
Adults learn by talking Teens learn through experience Kids learn through play
This is why tweens and teens make so many mistakes!

4. Developmental Milestones
Fundamental time for identity creation
Developing interests & tastes
Deciding what/who they like and don’t like
Figuring out who they want to be
Experience changes in how they think, feel, and interact with others
Physical changes impact mood and behavior
Relationships with friends become very valued
Spend less time with parents and more time with friends
Become more independent from parents in preparation for the future
Have more responsibilities: changing classes, more homework, etc…

5. Communication 101 Validate your child’s feelings
This builds trust and increases
emotional security
Take an interest in their interests
Offer additional guidance and solutions
“Those sound like great options! Have you also considered…”
Have healthy boundaries
Maintain the role of parent; your child is not your friend
Remember that they are still learning communication skills. They won’t respond in the same manner as an adult

6. Model Healthy Communication Skills
Kids now a days have the same issues, but they communicate on different forums.
Watch verbal, text, and online communication and model ways to use each
When is it appropriate to use text verses speaking in person?
How should one apologize or resolve conflicts with peers?
Discuss how miscommunication happens when one cannot read the other person’s verbal and non-verbal cues
Create cell phone free zones to teach face to face skills
Dinner time
Teach balanced use of electronics
Electronics are a privilege, not a right

7. A Time and a Place When your child first arrives home from school.
Children need time to decompress after a difficult day
She/he may not be ready to discuss
SOLUTION: Establish a time, such as after dinner, when your family can have a check in.
When you first arrive home.  
You may need to decompress as well.
Your child may have been waiting a long time for you to get home to discuss the issue.  
SOLUTION: Tell her/him you need to change your clothes or freshen up and then you will have the discussion.

8. Types of Questions
Use open-ended or reflective questions verses closed questions
OPEN-ENDED
“What about that choice made sense to you?”
“What were you accused of?”
“What worked for you in that situation and what did not?”
“What was the best and worst thing that happened today?”
REFLECTIVE
“Can you help me understand…”
“Can you tell me more about that?”
CLOSED
Anything that can be answered with Yes, No, or Fine
Avoid “Why”questions
CHANGE SEATS FOR NEXT ACTIVITY

9. Active Listening Open Questions Activity
One person speaks at a time for 2 minutes in each exercise
Share with your partner things that you already do with your tween that work
Ask only open ended questions and observe your partner’s response

10. Conflict Resolution Use I feel statements Listen Avoid power struggles
Avoid talking when angry
We are not logical when we feel angry. They
are learning how to manage emotions and need modeling.
Have an agreed upon plan to take a timeout for everyone to calm down.
One way to be successful with this is to have code words.  Keep the words neutral.
For example, someone says “popcorn” when needing time to cool down. Both parties give each other agreed upon time and space. When one is calm and ready to engage use a different word, such as “blueberries” to indicate when you are ready to resume.
Use I feel statements
“I feel _______ when _______. What I need is ________”
Listen
Avoid power struggles
Remember: They have more energy than we do!
Have agreed upon expectations and consequences

11. Expectations and Consequences
Set Expectations and have them earn privileges
Be Consistent
Have pre-arranged Expectations and Consequences
Be concrete
AVOID: “Change your attitude”
GET SPECIFIC: “When you roll your eyes it feels very disrespectful.”

12. (This can also be allowance) Going to a movie with friends
Household Responsibilities
Activity
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday
Saturday
Sunday
Kitchen
Living Room
Garbage
Dishes
Cook
Take care of dog
Do my laundry
Clean my room
Bathroom
Privilege Earned
(This can also be allowance)
1 hour of t.v. time
Use of your phone
Ipad time
Going to the park
Family Fun Night
Going to a movie with friends
Free day
No chores
Expectations
Using a phone is a privilege, not a given. Have them earn things they want to do. Once all of their responsibilities are complete, they can do or have the thing they are seeking. Set the expectation and don’t engage in a power struggle.
Activities
Kitchen=Wipe down the kitchen table, stove, and the refrigerator, put away food, and mop floor
Bathroom= wipe sink, tub, mirrors, mop floors, take out garbage and clean toilet
Living Room=clean the furniture, put away all items, garbage, mop the living room floor

13. Have a specified length of time Avoid the Breakfast Club Mentality
Start at 33 seconds

14. Expectations and Consequences
Make it task specific
There should be a concrete behavior your tween needs to accomplish, or practice related to the original behavior.
Example: doing homework on time, asking permission to go places, not swearing, etc…
Connect the original behavior to the consequence
Give consequences when you’re calm to avoid empty threats

15. Consistent Consequences
Behavior
Consequence
Time
Not turning in an assignment
No electronics or activities with friends
One day
 Being disrespectful
(talking back, giving a negative look, speaking in a disrespectful way)
Chose a job from the Job jar
One Week
Swearing
Pay swear jar $0.50
Once
Verbal or Physical violence towards others
Volunteer at a local agency
 Not completing chores
No activities
Until chores are complete
Lying
Pay the lying jar $1
Inappropriate use of Social Media
No electronics
Think of their interests. What would motivate them?

16. It is important that as a child gets older, they become more independent. It is developmentally appropriate for tweens to be less communicative or for their style of communication to change, meaning they may not be as open as they once were. This is difficult to deal with, but its important that parents don’t give up on having open communication!!!

17. Questions
Portions adapted from Don Miner’s Handout “How to Talk to Your Child” of Extended Learning