1. Chapter 5
Revising Your Writing

2. Revising your writing Choose the right words for your message.
Write effective sentences.
Develop logical paragraphs.
Convey an appropriate tone.

3. Short, simple words
“Big men use little words, and little men use big words.”
—Winston Churchill

4. Prefer short, simple words.
Not: I have ascertained that our plant has commenced fabricating the indispensable circuits.
But: I have learned that our plant has started making the needed circuits.

5. Denotations and connotations
With a partner discuss the connotations of the bolded words. Then change each one to a word with a similar denotation but a different connotation.
The conference was uneventful.
Would you say Dorothy is quite confident?
The VP would be here herself, but she’s busy.
I’ll have the ground beef sandwich.

6. Prefer specific language.
Not: You were very late several times last year.
But: You arrived for work at least 20 minutes late on the following dates last year . . .

7. Choosing specific words
For each group of words, arrange the terms in order from least specific to most specific.
western seaport, seaport, place, San Diego, Pier 45
sport, jump ball, activity, basketball, team sport
ignition failure, situation, problem, engine trouble, car problem
country, neighborhood, street, state, city
Source: Adapted from: accessed 10/1/07.

8. Avoid dangling expressions.
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
I had been driving for about 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
“Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors.”

9. Avoid clichés.
Not: As per your request, every effort will be made to fix the problem.
But: As you requested, we will try to fix the problem.

10. Avoid redundancies.
Not: Hiram referred back to our earlier decision not to repeat that mistake again.
But: Hiram referred to our earlier decision not to repeat that mistake.

11. Avoid wordy expressions.
Not: Let me know as to whether or not we can start drilling in view of the fact that the problem has not been fixed at the present time.
But: Let me know whether we can start drilling since the problem has not yet been fixed.

12. Avoid hidden verbs.
Not: We held a meeting to make the arrangements for her visit.
But: We met to arrange her visit.

13. Avoid hidden subjects.
Not: There is nothing we can do about the deadline.
But: We can do nothing about the deadline.

14. Simple sentences John listened.
John and Lisa listened to the vice president’s presentation on cost-cutting methods and decided to try her suggestions some time during the upcoming quarter.

15. Compound sentences I spoke and Ellie took notes.
Our customers asked for faster service, and we started same-day shipments.
Our customers asked for faster service; therefore, we started same-day shipments.

16. Complex sentences
When our customers asked for faster service, we started same-day shipments.
We started same-day shipments when our customers asked for faster service.

17. Sentence exercise Instructions
Try inverting each of the sentences on the next screen.
Come up with at least one variation for each.
When you have finished, compare your results with those of your classmates.
Is either sentence better in original order?
Does inversion ever change the meaning?
Adapted from: accessed 10/1/07.

18. Sentence exercise Some rain must fall into each life.
Money is the root of all evil.
A rolling stone gathers no moss.
The bottle was empty.
The night is tender.
Source: Adapted from: accessed 10/1/07.

19. Active versus passive voice
Jose interviewed the candidates.
Passive:
The candidates were interviewed by Jose.

20. Active versus passive voice
Use active voice for most business writing:
Marie evaluated the proposal and will make her decision tomorrow.

21. Active versus passive voice
Use passive voice to soften bad news or to indicate that the doer of the action is unimportant.
The tuition-reimbursement plan will be discontinued on July 1.
Lunch will be served in the Adams Room.

22. Parallel structure
noun
noun 
phrase
verb
complete sentence

23. Unity and coherence Topic sentences Transitional words Pronouns
Repetition

24. Paragraph unity and coherence
Instructions
Read all of the sentences and delete the one that does not belong to the unified topic of the paragraph.
Rearrange the sentences in a logical order so that they flow appropriately.
Use transitions, repetition, and pronouns to "cement" this structure and make it seem natural.
Source: Adapted from: accessed 10/1/07.

25. Paragraph unity and coherence
It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply.
Increased international shipping has made it a very real possibility and the consequences of that would be close to catastrophic.
The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant.
Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease.
The witches' broom, a deadly white fungus that deforms the trees, was responsible for almost destroying Brazil's cocoa crop in the early 1990s.
Source: Adapted from: accessed 10/1/07.

26. Answer
Chocolate lovers beware: the seed of love, the cocoa bean, is threatened by disease.
Increased international shipping has made this a very real possibility and the consequences could be close to catastrophic.
It is only a matter of time before diseases like witches' broom and black pot rot endanger the global cocoa supply.
The only solution to the dwindling cocoa supply is for scientists from all the producing regions to collaborate and find ways to make cocoa trees more resistant.
Source: Adapted from: accessed 10/1/07.

27. Write confidently.
Not: I trust this schedule change will satisfy your needs.
But: This schedule change will enable you to remain at home each morning until your child leaves for school.

28. But not too confidently
Not: I know you will like our new delivery schedule.
But: Our new delivery schedule will assure same-day service for all of your clients.

29. Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Not: You should read the instruction booklet to learn how to photocopy on both sides.
But: As noted on page 4 of the instruction booklet, photocopying on both sides requires two steps.

30. Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Not: You claimed that the order arrived three days late.
But: Your order arrived late because of the airline strike.

31. Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Not: Our No. 1 concern is to protect the environment when we build our addition at Morse Lake.
But: We have taken three specific steps to protect the environment when we build our addition at Morse Lake.

32. Use a courteous and sincere tone.
Not: I can’t believe you expect me to accept this offer.
But: This offer would be more attractive if it included a six-month trial period.

33. Journal Summarize the section on appropriate tone in a single word.
Then write a paragraph or two explaining why you chose this particular word to summarize the text.
Source: Angelo, T. & Cross, K.P., Classroom Assessment Techniques; Josey-Bass, San Francisco, 1993, p. 188

34. Techniques of emphasis
Short, simple sentences
Major idea first (or last)
Active voice
More space
Language that implies importance
Repetition
Mechanical means

35. Emphasis—Example A Dear Dad:
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on

36. Emphasis—Example B Dear Son:
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad

37. Positive language Not: We cannot replace your laser printer.
But: We will be happy to repair your laser printer at no charge.

38. Stress the “you” attitude.
Not: I liked your presentation at yesterday’s board meeting.
But: Your presentation at yesterday’s board meeting was just great!

39. Stress the “you” attitude.
Not: We are opening the new fitness center on May 1.
But: You may begin working out in the new fitness center on May 1.
er.

40. “You” attitude activity
Revise the these sentences to improve the “you” attitude.
I am offering you a special price on our service, effective only today.
Our restaurant will be serving breakfast from 6 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
Your warranty expired two weeks ago.
Did you forget to sign up for the training session?
I want you to summarize the changes in the new insurance program for the staff.

41. Answers
You will get 60 days of prime time TV for only $10.95, if you act today.
You can order one of our chef’s specialty breakfasts from 6 a.m. to 10:30 a.m.
Returns are happily granted when merchandise is returned within the warranty period.
To assure a smooth transition, the next training session will focus on questions you have about the new software system.
As you will be moving into the office manager’s position shortly, I would like you to summarize the changes in the new insurance program for the staff.

42. Use nondiscriminatory language.
Not: When making the table arrangements for the president’s luncheon, be sure to seat Arlene Kelly next to Mr. Jameson, our new African-American salesman from Philadelphia. Also, remember that Mr. Little is confined to a wheelchair and should be seated on the main level. The other executives and their wives may be seated in any order.

43. Avoid gender bias. Use neutral job titles.
Avoid language that implies gender.
Avoid demeaning or stereotypical terms.
Use parallel language.
Use appropriate personal titles and salutations.
Avoid using he as a generic pronoun.

44. The Changing U.S. Workforce
Source: Data from U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Tomorrow’s jobs,” Occupational Outlook Handbook, edition,

45. The Changing U.S. Workforce (cont’d)
Source: Data from U.S. Department of Labor, Bureau of Labor Statistics, “Tomorrow’s jobs,” Occupational Outlook Handbook, edition,

46. Key terms active voice cliché complex sentence compound sentence
dangling expression
expletive
mechanics
nondiscriminatory language
parallelism
passive voice
platitude
receiver benefits
redundancy
simple sentence
style
tone
“you” attitude