1. Choose Civility: Reduce Conflict in the Workplace
Ron Corbin, HR Director for the City of Yuma

2. EEOC Task Force Recommendation
To change behavior, two additional types of training are needed: workplace civility training and bystander intervention training. 
Workplace civility training does not focus on eliminating unwelcome or offensive behavior based on characteristics protected under employment nondiscrimination laws; instead, it focuses on promoting respect and civility in the workplace.
Be task force put together by the EEOC. Said stop harassment training as it is not working. Instead work on Civility. Work on the basics like the golden rule.
Instead of telling people what NOT to do. Tell them what to do. How to behave. The standards and expectations that you have for a healthy and productive workforce.
It’s all about Respect.

3. Goals What is Civility/Incivility Why study Civility
What is the connection between Civility and Conflict
How does Civility prevent Conflict
How does Civility help resolve Conflict
How will Civility help you/your organization be better?
What does a Civil workplace look like?

4. As the HR Director, I am asked to referee, or solve problems on a weekly basis. I am asked to help discipline employees, fix relationships, fire employees, punish employees, mediate relationships, make the world a better place. Supervisors – Fix employees. Employees – Fix supervisors
And, the problem is no one’s fault.
Well, I have had enough. I am not a referee, okay not anymore (swim referee in past life, but no more).
So if I am not going to solve everyone’s problem, how do I help them fix their problems, take responsibility, make things better, create an engaged work environment, create a safe space for productivity, creativity, and teamwork.
To answer that question I had to figure out what the problem was: RELATIONSHIPS gone wild, relationships ruined by incivility. People stopped being nice to each other, they stopped caring. People have become “I” people instead of “you” people. The golden rule has been forgotten. And worst of all, somewhere along the way, people started to believe that it is okay to be rude, disrespectful, and uncivil to each other.
Here it is. I believe that if we treated each other better, with care and respect, most of our conflicts would go away. Dr.Paise story.
Incivility creates conflict. The employee who complains that the supervisor is mean, well the supervisor is probably mean. The supervisor might even have a good reason, but there is never a good reason to be uncivil. The same performance issue can be resolved with kindness versus hate and disdain.
Some conflict is good, and I would argue that it is needed. Organizations need different opinions in order to grow and prosper. But uncivil conflict is not needed.

5. Civility Results Customer Satisfaction Productivity Sick Leave
Performance results
EEO Complaints
Employee safety
Turnover
Psychological safety
Worker’s Comp claims
Employee engagement
Study after study shows that when people are treated well, like fellow human beings then they perform better, are happier, safer, more productive etc.
Sam Walton said it only takes a couple of weeks for employees to start treating your customers just like they are being treated by management.
On the other hand, a sensitive,
respectful climate spurs positive energy and employees’ eagerness
to participate and contribute to the organization. Civility increases
performance, creativity,42 detection of mistakes and the initiative to
take action.43 Civility also reduces emotional exhaustion44 and fosters
psychological safety,45 a key predictor of success for teams at
companies such as Google.46 Civility
is the foundation employees need
to be comfortable speaking up and
sharing ideas.47

6. Civility & Respect in the Workplace
Civility is behavior that:
Shows respect toward another
Causes another to feel valued
Contributes to mutual respect, effective communication and team collaboration
My only real definition today.
For our discussion on workplace civility. The second definition is most important. We need to make others feel valued. This creates relationship on which everything else stands.
Judge boss and my boss. We had a friendship outside of work. He hired me to work for this other person. This director and a long and strong working relationship with him.???????

7. … The way we do business… CIVILITY RESPECT
CREW: Civility, Respect and Engagement in the Workplace Veterans Health Administration
CIVILITY
Baseline Expectation
Fundamental Rules of Interaction
On-stage Behavior
Courtesy
RESPECT
Trust
Compassion
Ethics
Listening
Honesty
… The way we
do business…
ENGAGEMENT
Authorized
Accountable
The VA has been working on improving the workplace through CREW. An initiative on Civility. They went into their hospitals and over several years have been working to improve work improvements through Civility!! This is their program, what might your program look like?
Give credit to the NCOD for the next several slides.
Talk about their program and successes.
VHA National Center for Organization Development

8. Veterans Health Administration
Happiness
Job Satisfaction
The higher the civility score, the higher the employee satisfaction score.
The VA implemented a CREW program to increase Civility.
Conflict
Civility
NCOD

9. Creating a More Human Workplace where Employees and Business Thrive, SHRM Foundation
The Value of Sustainable Engagement
I QUIT!
65%
48%
10%
A 2012 analysis of 263 research studies covering 192 companies found that organizations with the most engaged employees outperformed those with the least engaged employees in the following ways:
22 percent greater profitability.
21 percent greater productivity.
65 percent lower turnover.
10 percent better customer ratings.
48 percent fewer safety incidents.
28 percent less theft.
21%
28%
22%

10. Relationships Psychological Safety Opportunity Accountability
And Finally, the biggest reason of all. It is your job as a manager, supervisor, leader, responsible adult to create the culture that you want. If you are responsible for others, then you have a responsibility to create a work environment that screams civility and respect.
Because you cannot have strong productive relationships without civility. And without relationships you cannot hold employees accountable and if you can’t hold them accountable then you cant give them all of the opportunities for success that you need to give them in order for the organization to succeed. And if you must create a safe environment where employee’s feel free to fail and succeed. Where they are not afraid to try new things. Where they are not afraid to come to work. Because when employees are not afraid to fail they will not be afraid to succeed. And you can’t get to success without first failing.
Create a safe environment.
My management philosophy managers have an obligation to create a safe work environment steady walls, strong roof stronger foundation.
Relationships

11. Bleep Civility (The Civility Wars by Hua Hsu)
For the individual, it is about not being an a**hole
For the institution, it is about isolating and controlling the a**hole
Civility is not for the faint of heart. It is not easy. It takes real work.
As a person we are surrounded by people who think that it is okay to let loose. Just look at Trump’s popularity. He says what he thinks, forget what effects it has on others. And people love it.
People actually have to go counter culture to be Civil.
As an organization we have choices as we create our culture. Allow incivility or not. It is often easier to allow. It is hard to stop a bully. It is hard to insist on civility. Because it takes action to stop bad behavior. Bad behavior does not stop on its own.
You have the work culture you deserve. You have the power to demand civility.

12. Un-Civil Give the two stories – Complaining Demeaning comments
– Perpetuating rumors
Devaluing & discouraging
Behavior whose purpose is to control,
Condescending language or voice intonation
humiliate, denigrate or injure the dignity
of colleagues
Impatience with questions or phone calls
– Being expected to do another’s work
Being reprimanded in front of others
(clean up after them)
Insulting the intelligence of a co-worker
– Behaviors which undermine team
Argumentative behavior
cohesion, staff morale, self worth and
Sending nasty and demeaning notes ( )
Safety
Unethical or dishonest behavior
Unreasonable requests
– Repeated failure to respond to a call or
Exclusion from relevant meetings
– Cultural or gender biases
Negative Behaviors
– Scape-goating
– Backstabbing

13. Good relationships make our lives good
Bad relationships make our lives bad
Choosing Civility by P.M. Forni
This goes back to our house. If we are going to have a strong foundation. We must be civil. It’s like a bank deposit. Ever try to take money out before you put any in. You build relationships by making deposits. When you injure/insults someone, you need to be able to recover. Near impossible without previous deposits.
Forni is a well respected expert on Civility. Choosing Civility is a great book on how to be civil.
So why start with Civility.
Because Civility is the bases for good relationships. Ever tried to be a friend to someone who is mean to you? It is very hard. Try to make friends with a nice person, wow super easy.
Ever been given feedback from a mean person? Yep, and it hurts. Ever get feedback from a kind person. Yes and it is much easier to swallow. I don’t mean to beat around the bush or be aloof, but just kind. I have bad news and it is going to hurt for that I am sorry. None of the packets were complete and I need for you to redo each of them. Clearly I need to be clearer with what I need for you to do. Again, I apologize for not catching things sooner. Versus, you didn’t put the packets together like I told you and now you have to redo them.
Civility creates a connection from which good things can happen. At a previous job I had a work group that was superbly the anti-team. It was a group of about 12 with at least 4 different clicks. It was so bad that they would walk out of a room when one of the “others” walked in. They would rummage through their co-workers desk and files looking for things to tell on. Hate is a strong word, but that team had some strong dislikes for each other.
I was asked to help them work together better. So I started with the leader, I asked her what she did when she saw bad behavior. She said nothing, well nothing right away. Sometimes she would write an later. Step 1: call them on uncivility. Employees don’t get to walk away from a meeting or work station just because they don’t like a co-worker. If they get insubordinate, fire them. Who is in charge. Insist on your work culture!.
Next we started to work on the group. We got together and talked about good versus bad teams and had some health discussions about some of their issues. In the end we created a set of ground rules. Know what their rules were? They were Civility rules: Don’t ignore your co-workers. Mind your own business. Help your co-worker. Talk to your co-worker respectfully. Insist on kindness, etc.
We printed these rules and posted them all over and then they had to police themselves. Things got better, some left because they couldn’t bring themselves to be nice to others. Ok. Your job is not to guarantee everyone else a job. You have the work culture you deserve.
Civility allows us to connect successfully with others.

14. When we lessen the burden of living for those around us we are doing well; when we add to the misery of the work we are not.
P.M. Forni.
You are being successful when those around you are succeeding. If they fell, you fell.
Help your neighbor, co-worker,

15. Civility in Practice
Washington’s copy of Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation
As a young kid George copied the Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior by hand. He then strived to live by them. They weren’t suggestions to him. He understood, well before Dave Convey, that to make friends and influence people you had to treat them right. You had to care about them. Look at this picture with his hand wide open. Very friendly, very open and inviting. Shows care and respect to others.
Here are some those ancient rules that still hold true today.

16. Show Nothing to your Friend that may affright him (Don’t embarrass others).
Washington’s copy of Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior in Company and Conversation
This is a classic bully move. Let me embarrass you so that I look good. The boss that says I see you have screwed up again. I guess I have to save the day. Trying to be a star. Does nothing but create timid people who will be afraid of you.
How about an employee termination. Ever seen HR walk an employee out with a box full of their belongings? Don’t do it if at all possible. I almost always try to make arrangements for the meeting to happen at the end of the day or when few are around. Also, make arrangements for them to pick up their belongings after hours. Treat people with respect!

17. Strive not with your Superiors in argument, but always Submit your Judgment to others with Modesty.
Don’t argue with your boss. Offer advice with kindness and good heartedness. Don’t undermine them. If you want to help find the right time and place.
Your boss is your boss and your customer is your customer. Treat them better than they deserve. Yes you know best, but relax and let the natural order of things take place. It is not your job to tell the customer what they need nor tell your boss what to do.

18. Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be in public or in Private…
Being to advise or reprehend any one, consider whether it ought to be in public or in Private; presently, or at Some other time in what terms to do it & in reproving Show no Sign of Cholar but do it with all Sweetness and Mildness.
Even one of the greatest generals of all time knew that you shouldn’t correct people in public.
Most corrections can and should be held. I like to think of it as creating a learning organization versus an organization of fear and hate. When you correct someone in public they have been embarrassed by you. When you discuss it in private you can talk about lessons learned. Corrections for the future.

19. Make the transition from Washington to Forni.
Ok lets’ move into this Centry. Mr. Forni wrote a great book on civility. He offers 25 different rules for Considerate Conduct.
I would like to discuss a few of them and how they work in the workplace to make your work a little more enjoyable.
Pay attention to your surroundings. Put down the pokemon game and look up. Notice the people around you. Notice their smile. People want to be seen. They want to be respected.
Only after we notice the world cane we begin to care for it.
When I show you that you are worthy of my attention, I am acknowledging and honoring
Notice and acknowledge those around you. It is funny, I hear all the time. My boss is mean to me, she doesn’t even say good morning. Bosses get off of your butt and say hello. Create a connection with your employees. But they don’t say hi back. So what. You’re the leader act like one.
I had someone tell me that I don’t have to say hi to my co-workers. I said yes you do. Our personnel rules insist that you are respectful to your co-workers. Not saying high is rude!! No exceptions.
A simple “Hello” or “Good Morning” is the most basic form of acknowledgement.
The greatest motivator, greater than money is a simple thank you from your immediate supervisor. It works like glue. It creates a bond. Your going to need that bond. Some day you are going to have to give negative feedback. If you don’t have a well of good times to draw from you are going to suck. It’s like going to a bank to cash a check for a hundred dollars and it bounces because you only have $50 in the account. You better be making regular deposits of kindness and recognition. It has a great return on investment.

20. Pay Attention & Acknowledgement
Ok lets’ move into this Centry. Mr. Forni wrote a great book on civility. He offers 25 different rules for Considerate Conduct.
I would like to discuss a few of them and how they work in the workplace to make your work a little more enjoyable.
Pay attention to your surroundings. Put down the pokemon game and look up. Notice the people around you. Notice their smile. People want to be seen. They want to be respected.
Only after we notice the world cane we begin to care for it.
When I show you that you are worthy of my attention, I am acknowledging and honoring
Notice and acknowledge those around you. It is funny, I hear all the time. My boss is mean to me, she doesn’t even say good morning. Bosses get off of your butt and say hello. Create a connection with your employees. But they don’t say hi back. So what. You’re the leader act like one.
I had someone tell me that I don’t have to say hi to my co-workers. I said yes you do. Our personnel rules insist that you are respectful to your co-workers. Not saying high is rude!! No exceptions.
A simple “Hello” or “Good Morning” is the most basic form of acknowledgement.
The greatest motivator, greater than money is a simple thank you from your immediate supervisor. It works like glue. It creates a bond. Your going to need that bond. Some day you are going to have to give negative feedback. If you don’t have a well of good times to draw from you are going to suck. It’s like going to a bank to cash a check for a hundred dollars and it bounces because you only have $50 in the account. You better be making regular deposits of kindness and recognition. It has a great return on investment.

21. Think the Best
Assume the Best of people. Assume the innocent. Don’t jump to negative conclusions, you might be right and no better off. People will confirm your assumptions, make them good ones.
Just the other day I had a manager coaching a supervisor. The supervisor was planning an event and was making all of these rules. She said it best, why are you assuming they are going to screw up? Give them a chance to be successful. If they mess, provide a little coaching and let them try again.
When I was a teacher, I found that when I pushed my students, when I set my standards high, most of them met those expectations, especially for behavior. When I was off my game, the kids could smell it, like piranhas in the water when you have an active open bleeding wound. They would devour me. But when I came in with my A-game. When I came in confident. When I held them to my standards. What a great day. It wasn’t easy but I was the maker of my class, not them.
Managers, especially HR managers, have obligations that often transcend the different parts of the organization. You must build relationships in order to be successful. Assume that the manager, employee, boss, etc has good honest and right motivations. When they break that trust then proceed with caution, but I can’t stress enough that you are the manager act like it. Go first. Trust.
Think the Best
When we approach others assuming that they are good, honest, and sensitive, we often encourage them to be just that.

22. Speak Kindly Speak Kindly
By speaking with kindness you will improve the lives of those around you.
Showing kindness is as much a matter of tone as it is one of the words.
Civil conversations have no place for profanities.
We have all had bad bosses. If you haven’t then you are blessed. Not all bad bosses are evil, some just don’t understand their role nor do they understand the consequences of their actions.
But they could just learn to be a little kinder it goes a long way. Do you demand or ask? Do you say please and thank you. I hadn’t been with the City that long when one of my managers came up to me and said how much they appreciated being thanked for doing their job. Wow. Talk about making a deposit. So simple, so kind. Big rewards.
This last picture here is a big act of kindness. Not all acts have to be big but this one was. This was an artist who agreed to paint a picture and let the concert auction his art off to benefit veterans. Not to make money himself but to give back. He painted this picture in about 15 minutes at a Jeff Foxworthy show. He used his talents for the benefit of others.
You always have an option to be kind or not. Don’t let others control your emotions, your responses. Stay in control. Walk away. Assume the innocent. Count to 10 backwards. Do what ever you need in order to respond or act in kindness. The benefits will be 10 fold.

23. Listen
Much of the conflict in our lives can be explained by one simple but unhappy act: we don’t really listen to each other.
Michael P. Nichols.
Still Forni
Forni quotes Michel Nichols who said that all of our conflict can be boiled down to not listening. Listening is powerful.
Drop it. Close it. Shut it!
Just listen.
Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf – A Native American Proverb
Steve Covey – See First to Understand and then to be understood.
Throw out your preconceived notions – Men stop trying to solve the problem before they even finish talking. Stop and listen, really listen. Ask questions to make sure you understand what is really being said.
Drop your filters. Drop your opinions. Drop the thinking.
Investigate -
We are ineffective listeners when we let our past experiences interfere with the attention we should give to our present moments.
Listen with your ears and eyes. Read the body language, are they finished. Is there more? Are they holding back. Get the whole story before moving on.
You will make a friend when people believe that they can talk to you and you will listen. There is very little as beautiful as the sound of our own voice. Make a friend, start the relationship.
Listen to agree
Look for the possibilities of agreement

24. Respect Other’s Opinions
There are at least two ways of showing disrespect for others on account of what they think. One is by telling them that their opinions are crazy, stupid, worthless, and the like. The other is by assuming that what we think must be what they think also.
Respect an even subtle “no”
Respecting the “No” of another is one of the most elementary and significant rules of respect.
Respect other people’s time.
Punctuality is nonnegotiable
Always give other the amount of time that they can rightfully expect from you
Displaying RESPECTin the Workplace
Recognize the inherent worth of your co-workers
Eliminate derogatory words and phrases
Speak with people –not at them –or about them
Practice empathy. Put yourself in their situation
Earn the respect of colleagues and co-workers through your behaviors
Consider your impact on others before speaking and acting
Treat everyone with dignity and courtesy
Adapted from Start Right…Stay Right by Steve Ventura

25. Apologize Earnestly I forgive you Apology
This is my daughter, getting ready to go look for some alligators. Not sure she will forgive me but she should!!
Apologies should be thoughtfully conceived, clearly stated, and heartfelt.
Mean it, don’t forget it.
Don’t be a door mat, and do learn from the transgressions of others.
If you can’t forgive, you will never be able to assume the innocence of others. And you can never have a strong positive relationship unless you can trust them. You must assume the innocence of others. There is a chance that they could be telling the truth.
This is hard, but this is where greatness is found. This is when you can listen, this is when you can problem solve this is when you can help others.
Also, this is a key to your own happiness. Don’t let others control your happiness. You can’t change others, but you can change yourself. Be the change you want to see in the world (Gondi ?).
The apology is recognition that someone has been wronged, not that you are wrong. Feelings are important, acknowledge the pain of other others. This recognition lets them know that they are human and that you are also human.
The Ability to consider you are wrong
The ability to admit that you don’t know.
Apology
Expressing regret—“I am sorry.” - Accepting responsibility—“I was wrong.”
Making restitution—“What can I do to make it right?” Genuinely repenting—“I’ll try not to do that again.” Requesting forgiveness—“Will you please forgive me?”
I forgive you

26. Refrain from Idle Complaints
I beseech you by all angels, to hold your peace, and not pollute the morning, to which all the housemates bring serene and pleasant thought, by corruption and groans. Emerson
81stBe not Curious to Know the Affairs of Others neither approach those that Speak in Private. 89thSpeak not Evil of the absent for it is unjust. 110thLabor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.
Don’t curse the darkness – Light a candle. – Chinese proverb
Pessimism is like deliberate trudging in the mud. When you complain, you stick your unfortunate listeners in your own mud and you drag them along with you for no good reason.
Ditch the Drama – Do you find yourself constantly complaining about what many would deem “first world problems”? Are you a pro at playing the victim? Your stress is from your story, not your reality. Stop believing everything you think and your stress and suffering will diminish, allowing you to refocus on your priorities
Fighting the Facts-A Losing Battle
“I shouldn’t have to do that, it’s not my job.” “My co-workers or manager don’t respect or appreciate me enough.” “There isn’t enough time to get it all done.” Sound familiar? Probably. However, the facts are what they are. Maybe it’s not in your job description, maybe your boss could be more appreciative, or perhaps […]
Ownership Having full ownership over your actions and results involves the ability to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly. Recognize the positive aspects of what you contribute at work and remain open to receiving feedback on areas of improvement. This is your life, deal with it. We all have choices, some of us chose to complain other chose to act. If you need to vent get a therapist. They get paid to listen to your drama. Suck it up butter cup.
Be the leader you want to be, that you want to see. I know it is hard, but chose it. Complaining does nothing but create more complaining. If you don’t like something tell the one person who matters. Accept their answer.
AND, life is short. If you are not happy move on. The only people who want to make friends (build relationships with) with complainers are other complainers. You have the culture you deserve, Accept and Give Constructive Criticism
Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s almost impossible not to enjoy the sense of validation that comes with praise, but it is criticism that makes us learn what we are unable or unwilling to learn by ourselves.

27. Ditch the Drama Cy Wakeman
I beseech you by all angels, to hold your peace, and not pollute the morning, to which all the housemates bring serene and pleasant thought, by corruption and groans. Emerson
81stBe not Curious to Know the Affairs of Others neither approach those that Speak in Private. 89thSpeak not Evil of the absent for it is unjust. 110thLabor to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire called conscience.
Don’t curse the darkness – Light a candle. – Chinese proverb
Pessimism is like deliberate trudging in the mud. When you complain, you stick your unfortunate listeners in your own mud and you drag them along with you for no good reason.
Ditch the Drama – Do you find yourself constantly complaining about what many would deem “first world problems”? Are you a pro at playing the victim? Your stress is from your story, not your reality. Stop believing everything you think and your stress and suffering will diminish, allowing you to refocus on your priorities
Fighting the Facts-A Losing Battle
“I shouldn’t have to do that, it’s not my job.” “My co-workers or manager don’t respect or appreciate me enough.” “There isn’t enough time to get it all done.” Sound familiar? Probably. However, the facts are what they are. Maybe it’s not in your job description, maybe your boss could be more appreciative, or perhaps […]
Ownership Having full ownership over your actions and results involves the ability to embrace the good, the bad and the ugly. Recognize the positive aspects of what you contribute at work and remain open to receiving feedback on areas of improvement. This is your life, deal with it. We all have choices, some of us chose to complain other chose to act. If you need to vent get a therapist. They get paid to listen to your drama. Suck it up butter cup.
Be the leader you want to be, that you want to see. I know it is hard, but chose it. Complaining does nothing but create more complaining. If you don’t like something tell the one person who matters. Accept their answer.
AND, life is short. If you are not happy move on. The only people who want to make friends (build relationships with) with complainers are other complainers. You have the culture you deserve, Accept and Give Constructive Criticism
Let me never fall into the vulgar mistake of dreaming that I am persecuted whenever I am contradicted. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s almost impossible not to enjoy the sense of validation that comes with praise, but it is criticism that makes us learn what we are unable or unwilling to learn by ourselves.

28. Conflict
“Resolving conflict is rarely about who is right. It is about acknowledgement and appreciation of differences.”
-- Thomas E Crum, The Magic of Conflict
The CREW initiative is about creating more civil, respectful, and engaged work teams. This happens by bringing workgroups together on a regular basis and allowing them time to get to know each other in a different and deeper way, which helps to build trust and stronger relationships. In turn, a strong foundation of trust allows workgroups to engage in more productive conflict. CREW is not about solving problems in a workgroup, nor is it meant to be a conflict resolution process. But, we are not blind that conflict can come up in CREW sessions and you might run into conflict as a facilitator, so we wanted you to have some tools to deal with it if it does.
Once again, our goal was to discuss ways to make your work environment more civil. Why? To improve the working relationships between employees, between employees and bosses, employees and customers, etc.
With improved relationships there can be more open honest communication, including critical conversations of accountability.
In this type of environment, there will be conflict. But if you have devoted time and energy to building relationships, you will be able to weather the storm of conflict.
Just like a bank, you can’t make a withdrawal unless you have already deposited some money into your account. To have more productive conflict, you need to already have made deposits of friendships, love, companionship, respect, kindness, etc. Without those deposits it is going to be a rocky road.
NCOD

29. Common Conflict Myths Conflict is Unnatural To be avoided
Negative (or neutral at best)
To be avoided or to win at all costs
Easily resolved
So what is conflict.
Well, here is what it is not.
Do you know what happens when you ignore conflict. It festers!!!! It doesn’t go away on its own.
NCOD

30. The Iceberg of Conflict
Issue
Personality
Emotions
Interests, Needs, and Desires
Self-perception and Self-esteem
Hidden Expectations
It’s also important for facilitators to realize that conflict is like an iceberg – there are many things below the surface that you might not be seeing.
When resolving conflict, if you only pay attention to the visible issue, successful resolution is not likely.
Unresolved issues from the past
NCOD

31. You I Unhealthy / Healthy Unhealthy Conflict Interrupting
Entrapment questions
Pushing for a solution
Arguing about personal perception
Accusing, laying blame
Non-receptive to suggestions
Defensiveness
Not owning problems
“You”
Consequences of Unhealthy Conflict
Diverts energy from more important work
Creates distrust in the room
Deepens differences in personal values
Builds barriers to understanding and cooperation
Polarizes the room
Hinders productivity of the session
Healthy conflict, Lots of civility, respect, calm, commitment, ground rules, win-win
Showing respect for other’s opinions, Calmness, Checking for agreement on what is to be resolved, Active listening Following ground rules, Using “I” statements, Win-win attitude
Outcomes of Healthy Conflict
Stimulates participation, Allows issues to be explored more fully, Encourages diverse ideas/opinions, Motivates people to understand issues better, Encourages new and creative ideas, Leads to better decision-making, Strengthens consensus, ownership, and commitment to decisions, Builds increasing levels of trust among the group as they learn to successfully manage issues
Manage Conflict
Conflict is escalated when both parties participate by using “loaded/fighting” words or confrontational comments.
Conflict can be minimized when one party stays neutral, carefully using “non provocative” language.
Avoid “You” words or phrases and replace with “I” statements “You made these mistakes,” “You always miss deadlines”
“I hear you”, “I am sure we can work this out,”

32. Healthy Conflict

33. Resolving Conflict Assertiveness Cooperation Competition –
HIGH
Competition –
pursuing own concerns at other’s expense.
Compromise –
Look for middle ground between highly polarized views. Each side gives up some of what it wants.
Avoidance –
pursuing neither own or other’s concerns.
Accommodation – neglecting own concerns to satisfy others.
Assertiveness
Collaboration –
pursuing both own and other’s concerns mutually and fully.
There are 5 basic ways of handling conflict in the workplace:
Competing, Collaborating, Compromising, Avoiding, Accommodating
It is important to note that there is no one way to resolve a conflict and often managers will need to utilize multiple methods in order to reach a resolution.
Avoidance – ignore conflict in the hope it will go away by maintaining silence or trying to change the subject. This doesn’t deal with the issue – As a facilitator, use it in those 10% of situations when the issue can’t be solved
Accommodation – this just smoothes things over. Facilitators will use it in those 5% of situations where keeping the peace is more important than finding a solution.
Competition – this divides groups and creates a win/lose situation. Facilitators should never use this strategy! 0% applicability.
Compromising – helps find the middle ground. Facilitators will use this in those 20% of situations when faced with polarized choices.
Collaboration – helps get people working together to find the best solution for everyone – a win-win. This is the preferred approach for all facilitators. Use it in 65% of all conflict situations. Because it is consensual, it unites and generates solutions that everyone feels committed to implementing.
Facilitators should reinforce any behaviors supporting a collaborative approach – response to conflict should be to seek a win-win solution using collaboration!
Ignoring = festering
Brutally honest = Rude
Focus on mutual goals
Win – Win
LOW
LOW
HIGH
Cooperation
NCOD

34. “Successful conflict management requires developing trust among participants.”
If members of one side trust members on the other side, and believe everyone wants a fair solution, they are better able to negotiate a solution. A Study of bargaining through found that allowing participants to engage in a “get acquainted” telephone call before the bargaining session increased the chances of reaching an agreement by 50%. We can assume that even the brief “get acquainted” phone call helped to build some trust between the parties.
Which is why it is so important to work on building a strong foundation of trust before trying to solve problems or resolve conflicts in the workgroup.
-- Daniel Levi, Group Dynamics for Teams
NCOD

35. Resolving Conflict Do… Understand that conflicts are inevitable.
Resolve to address conflict quickly.
Focus on the problem.
Be open to solutions.
Acknowledge how employees are feeling.
Listen actively.

36. Resolving Conflict Don’t…
Focus on personality traits that cannot be changed.
Interrupt.
Attack.
Disregard the feelings of the employees.
Avoid the conflict.
Allow emotions to take over the conversation.
Impose personal values or beliefs.

37. Resolving Conflict Clarify Common Goals Discuss Barriers Agree
Relate to Civility
There are six steps to the Conflict Resolution Process:
Clarify what the disagreement is.
Establish a common goal for both parties.
Discuss ways to meet the common goal.
Determine the barriers to the common goal.
Agree on the best way to resolve the conflict.
Acknowledge the agreed solution and determine the responsibilities each party has in the resolution.
This process should be completed by all parties in the conflict together.
(“Conflict Resolution Skills for HR Professionals” by Marla Bradley)

38. Achieving civility
Ok, if Civility is key to a great place to work and if we need civility to have healthy conflict and if we need civility to have accountability and creativity. How do we get there?
Start with you. - Be part of the solution There's no substitute for authentic communication.
When things go wrong, resist the urge to assign blame.
Greet everyone with “hello” and a smile. Promise only what you can deliver.
Return messages promptly. Be on time and prepared for meetings.
Pay attention in meetings Give credit where credit is due
Respect co-workers time and need for privacy. Take responsibility for your choices and actions. Accept the consequences of your inappropriate choices and actions.
– When things go wrong, resist the urge to assign blame. It's the system that
usually fails, so fix the system, not the people.
– Greet everyone with “hello” and a smile. Stick to deadlines - Promise only what you can deliver. If what you deliver falls short, explain why.
– Return messages promptly.– Be on time and prepared for meetings
– Pay attention in meetings and do not constantly check your personal electronic devices for s, text messages, etc.
Give credit where credit is due – when credit and compliments come your way,
spread them around to all who helped. And if you think you're solely responsible for that honored achievement, think again.
–Respect co-workers time and need for privacy.

39. Start with the Heart
Ok, now we have talked about some keys to laying the foundation, creating relationships through civility.
Heart at work – what does it look like, BBQ, Food, Donuts, Picnic, holidays
Now lets test those relationships. Lets hold our employees, co-workers, teammates, etc. all accountable. How do we handle the conflict that will surely start?
Start with self – That’s right. Gut check. Are you doing everything possible to improve the situation? Assume the innocence? Reached out to them? Changed your style? Clarified expectations? Reinforced positive behavior? Praised? Invested? Created a relationship?
Begin high-risk discussions with the right motives
Stick to the goal
Focus on what you really want
Refuse the sucker’s choice

40. Your Culture
Zappos, and their culture. Tell of our trip. Alcohol – don’t ruin a good thing, no need for a lot of rules.
Treat others as you Would like to be treated
Each small act of kindness and
respect contributes to a cycle that
fosters greater civility among the
people in one’s network.52 Giving
works the same way. Giving thanks,
acknowledgement, attention and
feedback is civility in its finest form.
Don’t forget to have fun!
One way to begin modeling civility
is to cultivate trust and respectful
engagement in onboarding employees.
Training and coaching increase civility, job satisfaction and organizational
commitment, and reduce turnover
Establish norms in the workplace
Simple norms can go a long way to promoting civility.

41. Make the call. Zappos – vote them off of the island
Make the call. Zappos – vote them off of the island. Set the standard, pay people to leave.
Call violators of your CIVIL expectations on the carpet. Not easy, but the behavior you allow is the behavior you have.
Meeting, employees raise their voice, not in my house.
Call a Senior person by their first name, not in my house. (badged).
Supervisor argues with a Manager in front of an employee.
You must create an environment where employees are accountable to the Civil rules. You are allowed to require employees to be nice to each other.
How to Address Inappropriate Behavior
Ensure that you are assertive You have a right to take action or impose consequences when someone oversteps boundaries in their comments or behaviors. It is really important to speak up for yourself, in these situations, “bullies” will perceive you as an acceptable victim for their poor behavior.
Remain firm when establishing boundaries.
Request that the individual stop the disruptive behavior.

42. Achieving civility Say please, thank you and/or I am sorry.
Communicate in a professional and
courteous manner in all forms and at all times.
Demonstrate acceptable etiquette and manners.
Understand your triggers or “hot Buttons”.
Assume the innocence.
Go to the source.
Start small – in your own department - be the difference.

43. Ground Rules
Everybody has their own set of ethics and acceptable behaviors. What is rude to one may be acceptable to all. This is why the golden rule does not always work, people intake information, actions, tones, posture, differently.
Don’t assume that everyone knows to say thank you. I actually find it uncommon, but it is a basic rule of Civility – Kindness. Most bosses say I am not going to thank them for doing their job. Why not? Do thank you’s cost you money. Might your employees actually think they are doing a good job or worse yet that their boss likes them.
If you are having trouble with civility or conflict. Start with setting ground rules. Can be very simple. Do not raise your voice. Always say please. Don’t open my desk drawers. Knock before entering. Allow everyone to participate in the creation, but their must be 100% participation. These rules are usually peer enforced and boss reinforced.
Give examples.

44. Code of Civility from the Bryan Cave Law Firm
Non-Negotiables
1. We greet and acknowledge each other. 2. We say please and thank you. 3. We treat each other equally and with respect, no matter the conditions. 4. We acknowledge the impact of our behavior on others. 5. We welcome feedback from each other. 6. We are approachable. 7. We are direct, sensitive and honest. 8. We acknowledge the contributions of others. 9. We respect each other’s time commitments. 10. We address incivility.
If you don’t have Civility at work, then make it so, number one. Insist and don’t accept anyone else.
Talk about ground rules # 10
Everybody has their own set of ethics and acceptable behaviors. What is rude to one may be acceptable to all. This is why the golden rule does not always work, people intake information, actions, tones, posture, differently.
Don’t assume that everyone knows to say thank you. I actually find it uncommon, but it is a basic rule of Civility – Kindness. Most bosses say I am not going to thank them for doing their job. Why not? Do thank you’s cost you money. Might your employees actually think they are doing a good job or worse yet that their boss likes them.
If you are having trouble with civility or conflict. Start with setting ground rules. Can be very simple. Do not raise your voice. Always say please. Don’t open my desk drawers. Knock before entering. Allow everyone to participate in the creation, but their must be 100% participation. These rules are usually peer enforced and boss reinforced.
Give examples.
Code of Civility from the Bryan Cave Law Firm

45. Relationships Psychological Safety Opportunity Accountability
It can be done. You can have a civil work place. You can reduce unhealthy conflict. You can increase health conflict.
It really is about the little stuff. Cake example.
I have a standard and I forced my managers to call their employees on it.
Life is short and work is long. Make it happen. As Gandhi said:
BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE.
Relationships