1. Navigating Difficult Conversations: Tools for Engagement
Marcia Gee Riley, Director & Ombudsperson
Sunny Lee, Assistant Ombudsperson
Ombuds Office for Students
& Postdoctoral Appointees
(510)

2. Agenda What is an Ombuds What is Conflict Costs and Benefits
Strategies & Gift of Feedback
Non-Defensive Communication
Intent vs. Impact
Case Scenario

3. Ombuds Office for Students & Postdoctoral Appointees
Confidential, Informal, Independent, Impartial/Neutral
A resource for informal conflict resolution
Advocacy of justice and fairness 
Coaching, mediation, facilitation of resolutions, exploration of options, clarify policies/procedures
Alert mechanism for systemic change on campus
Examples of case subjects: grade disputes, treatment, unclear/unfair policies or procedures, harrassment

4. What keeps you from having difficult conversations?
Take answers from participants
Fears
-hurting someone’s feelings
-disrupting harmony
-angering someone
-unsure of outcome
-lack of time
-not invested, don’t care

5. Conflict How do you feel when you hear the word conflict?
How do you know if/when you’re in a conflict?
What are your:
Thoughts? Emotions? Body Sensations?
Each of us can have a different reaction…
For me, I can feel myself feeling irritated any annoyed, tense in my shoulders, and sometimes a tightness in my guts. It’s similar feelings when I’m feeling stressed.
The way we feel about conflict is often rooted in our cultural upbringings.

6. “Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
DIRECT
“Say what you mean, and mean what you say.”
INDIRECT
“It is good to know the truth, but it is better to speak of palm trees.”
How many of you identify more with the proverb on the left? The right?
What do think these mean?
American proverb
Arab proverb

7. “What is nearest the heart is nearest the mouth.” EMOTIONAL RESTRAINT
EMOTIONAL EXPRESSION
“What is nearest the heart is nearest the mouth.”
EMOTIONAL
RESTRAINT
“The first to raise their voice loses the argument.”
Who identifies with the proverb on the left? The right?
What do think this means?
While we are all born with some hard wiring and have default preferences based on our personalities, we are also often influenced by cultural norms which is most passed onto us in our upbringing. Whether we are conscious of it not, we often place value judgements of these different ways of being…so rather than just viewing these diverse ways of being in the world as different – we often make up beliefs that one way is better than the other.
It’s important to know what we all come from diverse orientations in the world...and to withhold our judgements as much as possible.
Chinese proverb
Irish proverb

8. What are the costs of not having this difficult conversation?
Status quo
Resentment
Escalation of problem
Diminished options
Challenged relationship
Stress
Impact on physical health

9. What are the benefits of having this difficult conversation?
Enhanced trust
Empathy
Creativity
Energized climate
Collaboration
Understanding
New opportunities
Positive change
What are the benefits for you in having this conversation?

10. Two Types of Difficult Conversations
Planned conversations
Subject has been given thought
Circumstances have been arranged such as time and place
Unplanned conversations
Takes place on the spur of the moment; often fuelled by emotion such as anger.
Most people would rather avoid conflict and stressful situations if they think the conversation is going to be controversial or bad. Putting off the communication lets the situation fester.

11. Strategies for Engaging in Difficult Dialogue & Giving the Gift of Feedback
What it take from you to have that difficult conversation?

12. Work on yourself first What is the issue? What is bothering you?
What are your triggers and emotions?
What are your assumptions?
What will happen if you have this conversation? What will happen if you don’t?

13. What do you really want? Positions vs. Interests
Positions are statements or demands framed as solutions.
Interests are broader than positions (needs, concerns, hopes) and are what each party needs for satisfaction or resolution.
Positions are statements or demands framed as solutions.
Parties in conflict often think and talk in “positions,” which often contain incomplete information, hidden agendas, and “bottom line” posturing.
Positional bargaining leads to impasse or compromise, but rarely to creative, win/win solutions.
Interests are broader than positions and are essentially what each party needs for satisfaction or resolution.
Interests are the reasons behind the positions and they encompass such things as needs, concerns, and hopes.
Interests can arise from substantive, procedural or emotional factors.
Share examples from ombuds cases.
i.e. student received a B rather than an A and is upset about it….what is she really upset about?
Fear of not getting into medical school....
Explore options…
When a student shows up late to class every time – and it makes you upset. What’s the underlying interest?

14. INITIATE CONTACT: Ask for permission to give feedback.
I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think
will help us work together more effectively.
I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like
to get your point of view.
I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?
I need your help with something. Can we talk about it (soon)? If the person says, “Sure, let me get back to you,” follow up with them.
I think we have different perceptions about ____________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.
I’d like to talk about ______________. I think we may have different ideas about how to _______________.
I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about _________. I really want to hear your feelings about this and share my perspective as well.

15. Initiate contact Start with respect and care. -Be empathetic.
Share your story; maintain mutual respect.
-Be assertive.
-Stay calm and relaxed.
-Remain focused on your message.
End with a question.

16. Move to action Create a mutual agreement that is sustainable.
-Be prepared to negotiate and aim for a win-win outcome.
2. Agree to objectives and timelines.
3. Agree on a method of accountability.

17. Effective Verbal and Non-Verbal Language
Speak clearly, avoid jargon, sit relaxed, make eye contact as appropriate, do not use confrontational language or body language. Use non-defensive language.

18. Non-Defensive Communication
Avoid judgment. Stick to the facts.
State an observation. Focus on what you see and hear.
You are always late. The deadline for submission was 5pm, and you turned it in at 9pm.
You always criticize me. I heard you say you thought I wasn’t smart enough.
You never participate I haven’t heard you share your class. thoughts in class discussions once this semester.

19. Non-Defensive Communication
2. Use “I” statements. Identify and describe your feelings.
You make me so angry! I feel frustrated and stuck.
You don’t care. I feel unsupported and lonely.
I’m upset. I’m worried and frightened.

20. IMPACT MODEL INTENTION BEHAVIOR IMPACT UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES

21. CASE SCENARIO
You are in the early stages of writing your dissertation proposal and your advisor wants you to go in a different direction with your topic that is more in alignment with her current research focus.
What is the issue here?
What are the costs and benefits of approaching this issue with your advisor?
What is your advisor’s position and interest, and what is yours?
What is your strategy?

22. RESOURCES
Crucial Confrontations: Tools for resolving broken promises by K. Patterson, J. Grenny, R. McMillan, A. Switlzer (2005).
Fierce Conversations: Achieving Success at Work and in Life One Conversation at a Time by Susan Scott (2004).
The Intercultural Conflict Style Inventory: