1. 10- Interpersonal Comm. In Romantic & Family Relationships
1 The Nature of Intimate Relationships
2 Communicating in Romantic Relationships
3 Communicating in Families
4 Creating a Positive Communication Climate

2. Vocabulary
Intimacy- significant emotional closeness experienced in a relationship
Commitment- a desire to stay in a relationship
Interdependence- A state in which each person’s behaviors affect everyone else in the relationship
Investment- the resources we put into our relationships

3. Nature or Characteristics of Intimate Relationships
Require Deep Commitment
Foster Interdependence
Require Continuous Investment
Spark Dialectical Tensions

4. Commitment more commitment to intimate relationships
more willingness to compromise
more committed to future
more conflict and distress than social relationships

5. Types of Commitment
Emotional- a sense of responsibility for each other’s feelings and emotional well-being
Social- motivation to spend time together, to compromise, to be generous with praise, and to avoid petty conflict
Legal and Financial- formal expressions of people’s obligations to each other

6. Interdependence
The higher the degree of interdependence, the more motivation to engage in greater relational maintenance behaviors than we do with friends or co-workers.

7. Investment
Satisfying intimate relationships appear to be those in which both parties are investing equally: time, money, and attention.

8. Self-Disclosure http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bMcXVe8zIs
As the relationship becomes more intimate, disclosure increases similar to peeling off the layers of an onion

9. Self-Disclosure Social Penetration Theory
Variation in breadth and depth of self- disclosure
Breadth is the range of topics
Depth is how personal the information is
Depth is typically low until trust is established
Guidelines for self-disclosure
Should be appropriate to the relationship
Match the breath and depth of disclosure you provide (reciprocity)
Pay attention to the purpose of the self-disclosure

10. Johari Window Johari (Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham) Known to self
Not Known
to self
Known
to others
Blind
Spot
“Arena”
Open
Not known
to others
“Façade”
Hidden
Unknown

11. Dialectical Tensions (Baxter)
Conflict Between Two Important but Opposing Needs or Desires
Autonomy Vs. Connection
Balance between being one’s own person( independent identity) and desire to be close
Openness Vs. Closedness
Balance between disclosure and honesty and the desire to keep certain facts, ideas, or thoughts to oneself
Predictability Vs. Novelty
Balance between consistency and stability and the desire for new experiences

12. Strategies for Managing Tensions
Denial (ignoring tension or responding to one side)
Disorientation (escape through ending the relationship/ immobilization)
Alternation (going back and forth between tensions)
Segmentation (dealing with both sides of the tension in segments or sides)
Balance (compromise)
Integration (develop behaviors that satisfy both sides of tension simultaneously)
Recalibration (“reframing” tension to contradict opposition)
Reaffirmation (embracing tension as normal and accepting it)
pg. 318

13. Who’s Happy and Healthy?
Heterosexual Women
Heterosexual Men
Married Women
Married Men
Gay Men
Gay Women
Gender and Happiness- Article from the Independent

14. Romantic Relationships
Engage people mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, and even spiritually
Play role in social experiences
Foundation of beginning new families
Studies show: married people live longer and healthier lives
Less risky behavior, drink less and less likely to use drugs, less likely to suffer from mental illness or depression
Greater health benefit for men
Provide social and financial support

15. Characteristics of Romantic Relationships
Exclusivity
Exclusive or monogamous (one relationship at a time, avoiding romantic or sexual involvement outside relationship)
Relational infidelity (having romantic or sexual interaction outside of the relationship)
Open (Relational infidelity is accepted)
Polygamy (one person is married to two or more spouses at the same time)
Voluntary
Romantic relationships (chosen and romantic partners are selected)
Involuntary relationships (provide stability for children, follow religious beliefs that condemn separation or divorce, financial stability, no better alternatives)
Arranged marriage (Partners are selected usually by parents)

16. Characteristics of Romantic Relationships
Based on Love
Individualistic cultures (base romantic relationships on love and attraction)
96% American felt love was necessary
Collectivist cultures (based on wishes and preferences of family and social groups)
50% India/ Pakistan felt love was necessary
Love in relationships developed in last three centuries
Sexuality
Communication (similar in same-sex and opposite sex relationships)
Both value intimacy and equality
Both experience conflict over similar topics
Both value support from friends and family
Both negotiate mundane (daily) needs
Differ in legal status/ “domestic partners” (own joint property and raise children together)

17. Characteristics of Romantic Relationships
Permanence
Long-term relationships are conceived as permanent
Studies show acknowledgment of divorce and denial of one’s own (0%)
Societies promote, protect, and reward marriage
Spousal privilege
Visitation (hospitalized or imprisoned)
Stepchildren (legal status)
Cohabitation on controlled properties (military bases and controlled properties)
Medical and burial decisions
Domestic violence protection (ordered from court)

18. Knapp’s Stages of Relational Development & Dissolution
-Not all couples go through the stages in the same way or in the same order.
-Formation is not the same in all cultures

19. Types of interpersonal relationships
Romantic relationships: climbing to commitment
Step 1: Initiating (Invitational)– first set of interactions
Step 2: Experimenting (Explorational)– small talk to learn about the other person to help present a likable self-image
Stage 3: Intensifying (Intensifying)– increase in communication, intimacy, and connectedness

20. Types of interpersonal relationships
Romantic relationships: climbing to commitment
Step 4: Integrating (Revising)– merging of social circles and daily activities
Step 5: Bonding – (Commitment) to relationship
When bonding occurs, couple engages in relationship maintenance

21. Types of interpersonal relationships
Romantic relationships: descending to deterioration
Step 1: Differentiating (Navigating) - couple spends more time on their own interests to express individuality
Step 2: Circumscribing – less frequent communication with less personal information with less time spent together
Step 3: Stagnating (Intrapsychic Phase)– minimal interaction or shared activities

22. Types of interpersonal relationships
Romantic relationships: descending to deterioration
Step 4: Avoiding (Dyadic Breakdown/ Social Support)– staying away from each other
Step 5: Terminating (Grave Dressing)– final separation

23. Common Relational Types (Fitzpatrick- marital schemata)
Traditional couples
Culturally conventional approach
Gender typical divisions of labor
Spouses engage in conflict
Separate couples
Spouses are autonomous (own interests and social networks) instead of interdependent
See themselves as individuals instead of couple
Do not generally engage in conflict
Independent couples
Independent of social expectations
Do not believe in conventional gender roles or labor divisions
Highly interdependent and engage in conflict
Mixed Couples- differing beliefs about their marriage type (50%)

24. Interpersonal Communication
Conflict Management
Policy Management
Emotional Communication
Instrumental Communication

25. Conflict
An expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals
Success is dependant on how couples handle conflict rather than the amount of conflict experienced

26. Conflict Handling (Gottman)
Validating (talk about disagreements openly and cooperatively)
Respect, calm, humor, and positive emotion
Volatile (talk about disagreements openly but in a way that is competitive)
Persuasion, negative emotion followed by intense affection/ “making up”
Conflict-avoiding (deal with disagreements indirectly)
Focus on similarities, believe problems will resolve themselves/ “agree to disagree”
Hostile (frequent and intense conflict
Negative emotion (harsh tones and and facial expressions of anger/frustration), personal attacks (insults, sarcasm, name calling, blaming, and criticism)

27. Gay & Lesbian Couples
Use more humor and positive emotion during conflict
Less likely to become hostile
Use fewer displays of dominance and power
Less Likely to take conflict personally
Stay calmer emotionally and physiologically

28. Privacy CPM (Communication Privacy Management) Theory
Explains how individuals and couples manage tensions around disclosure and privacy
Open or Discreet
Influenced by whom we are disclosing to, how much we trust them, and how much they have disclosed

29. Emotions More positive More affection More humor
Happy Partners
Unhappy Partners
More positive
More affection
More humor
Communicate more assurances of commitment
5 positive to every 1 negative behavior
More anger, contempt, sadness, and hostility
Reciprocate negative emotion
Escalation of negativity
Difficult to address underlying issues because of focus on emotion

30. Instrumental Communication
Day-to-day topics or tasks couples face: (1) need to be completed and (2) reflects balance of power
Division
Opposite-sex: traditional divide among stereotypical gender lines, non-traditional experience conflict over division, Women are more likely to feel division is unfair
Same-sex: divide tasks more equitably, sharing stereotypical responsibilities

31. Family
Provide feelings of belonging, A sense of our own history, and A measure of unconditional love and support
Mental Model for engaging in relationships
Positive and negative experiences

32. What makes a Family Genetic Ties Legal Obligations Role Behaviors
50% genes shared with parent or sibling
25% genes shared with half-siblings
12.5 % genes shared with cousins
Legal Obligations
Parental: house, feed, educate, and care
Federal laws govern marriage
Adoptive relationships and domestic partnerships
Step-parent relationships
Role Behaviors
Actions: living together, taking care of and loving one another, representation as family to outsiders

33. Types of Families
Family of Origin- family one grows up in (parents, step-parents, and siblings
Family of Procreation- family one starts as an adult (spouse and children)
Nuclear family- traditional profile of married man, woman, and biological children (fewer than 50%)
Blended family- two adult partners (married or cohabitating/ same or opposite sex) raising children who not biologically both parents
Single-parent family- one adult raises one or more children (biological, adopted, or step)
Extended family- relatives such as grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles, and other significant individuals

34. Issues in Families
Family Roles- social and emotional functions individuals serve in the family system
Blamer- holds others responsible and does not take responsibility for own behavior
Placater- peacemaker
Computer- uses logic and reason to defuse situations
Distracter- makes random, irrelevant comments to help others forget conflict
Family Rituals- traditions or repetitive activities that have special meaning
Family Stories- told and retold to convey messages about the family: sense of history, expectations, and reinforce connections
Family Secrets- reinforces the family’s identity and exclusivity

35. Creating a Positive Climate or Emotional Tone
Using Confirming and Disconfirming Messages
Avoiding Making Others Defensive
Providing Effective Feedback

36. Messages
Confirming
Recognition- acknowledging another person exists and is worthy of your attention
Acknowledgment- acknowledging a person’s feelings and thoughts
Endorsement- signal you agree with others feelings but not necessarily with their actions
Disconfirming
Impervious response- ignore
Verbal abuse- using words to hurt people emotionally or psychologically
Generalized complaining- insulting the person’s character or value
Irrelevant response- replying with unrelated response
Impersonal response- reply with cliché and no empathy

37. Defensiveness- excessive concern with guarding oneself against the threat of criticism or attacks to one’s ego
Supportiveness- feelings of assurance that others care about and will protect you

38. Messages (pg. 342) Evaluation (opinion) Vs. Description (detail)
Control (manipulation) Vs. Problem Orientation (encourage)
Strategy (control) Vs. Spontaneity (open and honest)
Neutrality Vs. Empathy (concern)
Superiority (divide) Vs. Equality (include)
Certainty Vs. Provisionalism (flexible)

39. Feedback Probe- asking questions for more information
Non-evaluative
Probe- asking questions for more information
Paraphrase- repeating what someone has said in your own words: assures you are paying attention and opportunity to correct miscommunication
Offer Support- sharing your perceptions and confirming validity of the problem
Evaluative
Praise- noting strengths
Constructive Criticism- Pointing out what can be made better: confirm criticism is wanted and do not offer criticism beyond given problem

40. Types of Love- Activity Identify a famous couple that would be an example of each: