1. Dylan Moran Dylan Moran is a BAFTA and Perrier Award-winning Irish comedian, actor and writer. He is most famous for his observational comedy, the television sitcom Black Books which he co-wrote and starred in, and his work with Simon Pegg in Shaun of the Dead more.. more..

2. “ Dylan Moran:And they say that after people make love there's a kind of melancholia that descends; la petite mort, you know, the little death. Well, I'm here to tell you, after a romantic night in with yourself, there's a very acute sensation of failed suicide. #Love #Love

3. “ Dylan Moran:I have tried... believe me, I have tried to like rap music. It makes me feel so very, very old. I have tried to get home with the downies. #Beauty#Beauty

4. “ Dylan Moran:It's not easy being a man! Oh no..I had to get dressed today... and there are other pressures. #Dress#Dress

5. “ Dylan Moran:"Oh how I hate you. I hate you so much it gives me energy. I have to get up early in the morning just to hate you, because there's not enough time in the day! Please GO AWAY!" #Time and Time Management#Time and Time Management

6. “ Dylan Moran:"Well, you know what they say about John, anyway?" "Well, no I don't. Wh- what do they say?" "Well, you know, apparently he's, uh, he's, you know, he's [cocks leg]. Oh yeah." "I'm sorry, what are talking about?" "You know, if I have to spell it out, apparently he's, you know, still picking up twigs in the springtime. Oh yes, one of Yul Brunner's hairdressers. Likes his toast done on three sides, yes." What are you talking about? #Voting#Voting

7. “ Dylan Moran:There's just something about Germans; You can listen to a nice, young, affable German fellow and he'll be saying things like" Vell Ja, dis is a critical time for Germany now, economically we are good, but ve have been better. Ve are investing a lot in ze arts, and emerging globally...." and you'll be there listening, thinking "Mmm, Yeah, mmm... Hitler... mm yeah, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler... #Voting#Voting

8. “ Dylan Moran:I'm quite a compulsive person - I only worked this out recently - I'm compulsive, but I'm also very indecisive. I don't know what I want, but I know that I want it now. #Indecision #Indecision

9. “ Dylan Moran:"Death Before Dishonour" I always used to wonder "Hey, exactly how much dishonour are we talking about here?" 'Cause I could handle quite a lot. I would, for instance, fellate a Smurf before I picked death. I'd cook him a little Smurf omelette as I was doing it, you know, I'd be perfectly happy doing that. Seasoning it with thyme, you know, listening to his happy satisfied Smurf lip smacks. But every man thinks about Smurfs. They don't say it, but they do. That's why I'm here, to be honest. Just once, you know, what would it be like? Nobody needs to know, you go away for the weekend. Just once, to have the blue salty bulb lolling on your tongue... if I don't say it, nobody else will." #Vegetarianism#Vegetarianism

10. “ Dylan Moran:What else are you supposed to give hookers in hotel rooms? "Yoghurt, anybody? I made some yoghurt this morning, would you like some? It's got Granola and everything. You sure? Go on, have a bit." #Hotels#Hotels

11. “ Dylan Moran:It should not be an act of social disobedience to light a cigarette. Unless you're actually a doctor working at an incubator. #Crime and Criminals#Crime and Criminals

12. “ Dylan Moran:German food is so bad, even Hitler was a vegetarian. 'Would you like some more shtrudleghraf on your shamlw?' How appetising does that sound? #Vegetarianism#Vegetarianism

13. “ Dylan Moran:I can't relax here. These people have no pubic hair anywhere. We have pubic hair on the ceiling. #Dreams#Dreams

14. “ Dylan Moran:"Hi, how are you today? I'm Tony, I'm going to be your server. I've got some very exciting specials to tell you folks about right here. We've got our deep-pan re-re-fried chocolate ice cream pizza, which comes with a complementary pacemaker. If you're watching your weight you might want to try our NoHo Protein Salad, absolutely delicious. Philippe, our maitre d', will dig out some photographs of you looking kind of tubby, you know, on the Internet, and then we all kind of point and laugh at you and just sort of rub a single chickpea on your lip until you cry. Would you like some water?" #Cooking#Cooking

15. “ Dylan Moran:I got bored of the tedious conversations, talking to the dealer in a stairwell where you're not supposed to be, then going back to a depressing room and spending nine hours locked up going "eeerh", then going back to get more with what little money you have left #Money#Money

16. “ Dylan Moran:It's a totally inhospitable place, you shouldn't be here, the sun, you live about three quarters of a mile from it, I've seen insects walking around with kneepads, you fling yourselves into the sea when you're not actually walking around audibly crackling in the heat and the sea is full of things designed exclusively to kill you, sharks, jellyfish, swimming knives, they're all there. But yet you persist in living here. So you know, its a jail, you live in, it's lovely, you've done wonderful things with it, but you're all still in denial #Fame#Fame

17. “ Dylan Moran:Vodka is a very deceptive drink, because you drink it and you say, "Why are we drinking this? This is nothing, it has no smell, no taste! Why are we- Why are we on a traffic island?" #Alcohol and Alcoholism#Alcohol and Alcoholism

18. “ Dylan Moran:It sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil, while being kicked down the stairs. #Writers and Writing#Writers and Writing

19. “ Dylan Moran:"Your nose hair... which is grey... is in my eye" #Age and Aging #Age and Aging

20. “ Dylan Moran:The candlelight dances off her mahogany coloured skin as she un-robes - AND THEN THE CAGE COMES DOWN! #Evangelism#Evangelism

21. “ Dylan Moran:When you say to a child "Bedtime, it's bedtime now" that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is "Go and lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move. I'm locking the door now" #Lies and Lying#Lies and Lying

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