1. Relationship Tools

2. 1. What Kind Of Coupleship Do You Want? Fulfilled Affectionate Mutually rewarding Self and other aware High trust Sharing Passionate Intimate Rich independent lives Mutual respect Coupleship is #1 Satisfied Mutual respect Compatible Other aware Comfortable, quiet appearing Friends Most focus is outside the coupleship Sharing of mutual interests

3. Low energy Started out fulfilled Indifferent Silent/avoidant or conflictual/critical Low trust Work-robbed vitality Too tired to be sexual Apathy Separate lives May be medicated Stay in it to prevent what it would take to leave Spiritually dead Apathy or anger Affairs No trust Grim Chaotic Medicated Resentments Mutually void or abusive Both feel hurt, unheard, misunderstood

4. Put in cartoon or kid’s statement to open morning session

5. Source: Gottman Institute, Seattle Successful Relationships have: Shared dreams Self-editing for criticism and contempt Soft start-ups Acceptance of influence from partner High standards for acceptable behavior Connection and repair during conflict Partners that turn toward, not away Overall positive regard

6. 2. Heal From Core Woundedness

7. Signs and Symptoms in Your Relationship Make agreements you can’t keep? Can’t feel? Feelings are bigger than the situation warrants? Feel stuck? Keep recycling the same issues and arguments?

8. Not willing or able to stop medicators? Unable to trust? Don’t know what you need? Believe if other person changes, everything will be OK? Intimacy building tools fail?

9. Results of Healing Core Wounds: Emotional access in the here and now Appropriate use of feelings Vulnerability and sharing with trust Clear self-identity Ability to stay in adult state or recapture and repair

10. Clear boundaries: what is yours, mine, and ours Insides match the outsides Take responsibility for your own feelings and behaviors Open for intimacy building with your partner

11. Know when you are in trouble Know when and where to get help

12. How Do I Heal My Core Self? Therapy: individual, group, couples Treatment: behavioral and substance addictions, trauma Therapy intensives

13. Onsite Programs: For Individuals Living Centered Program Learning to Love Yourself Equine Insight Healing Food Issues Healing Sexual Issues Healing Money Issues

14. Onsite Programs For Relationships Coupleship I Coupleship II Couples Equine Healing the Couple

15. Onsite Programs for Families Healing the Family

16. 3. A Co-committed Relationship Makes and keeps agreements Participates freely in intimacy building Has baseline agreements Has priority over all other relationships Speaks the truth

17. Truth and Intimate Relationships Pure, clear truth, shared with others Intentional deception (omission, co-mission) Unexpressed, unspoken ideas, thoughts, feelings not fully formed. May drop hints, people most involved may be the last to know. Potential for increasing intimacy is here: Safe enough? Enough skills? Courage to take the risk? Absolutely no conscious awareness of thoughts, feelings, ideas.

18. 4. Learn to Argue vs. Fight a. Prerequisite is two equal full adults b. Repeat process until agreement is reached: – One partner talks “I need…” and “I’m willing to give” – Mirroring by listener to clarification – Other partner talks and process repeats

19. c. Agreement needs to be specific, concrete, observable, measurable, attainable d. Agreement needs to be time limited (30, 60, 90, 120 days)

20. 5. Build In Safety Devices Timing Premise (my belief) Intent (purpose) Time outs Crisis Response Plan, support team Use repair during and after conflict

21. Use Repair During and After Conflict Use Repair During and After Conflict Negotiate fair and foul territories (never, always, interruptions, past history, changing the subject, ambushing, walking out) Use repair techniques Use defusing process Debrief the content and the process

22. Building Intimacy and Positive Regard 6. Make an intimacy place: comfortable, safe, warm, private, lockable, with only positive energy allowed 7. 95-5 rule 8. Couples friends 9. Mentor Couple 10. Prearranged events, season tickets, 20 things

23. 11. Tape record arguments 12. Regular knees-to-knees time 13. Timeless time: ½ hour a day, ½ day a week, 1 day a month, 1 week per six months 14. Annual celebration of first date, special holidays

24. 15. “I’ll be here” 16. Two week return rule 17. Coupleship holiday schedule 18. Detox time 19. Work voices 20. Co-parenting talks

25. 21. Annual check up, tune-ups, skill development 22. Detox showers 23. Hot tubbing 24. Share dream lists 25. Mulligan! 26. Higher Power representation

26. 27. 10 things you’d like done for you 28. Share expectations before vacation or other events, including coupleship time 29. Daily gratitude 30. Holding 31. Couples scrapbook, album, journal 32. Treat partner “no worse than a stranger”

27. 33. “John” file 34. ½ day exploration/month 35. E-mail, voice mail 36. Lunch together 37. Best thing/most difficult thing today 38. Tuck-in, leaving ritual

28. 39. Shared 12 step meetings 40. Call ahead 41. Tooth paste tube 42. TV out of bedroom 43. Taking turns (trips, dates, restaurants, movies, etc) 44. Read to each other 45. Pray together

29. 46. “Wanna go shopping?” 47. Massage, non-sexual touch 48. Are the Red Wings playing? 49. “N.G” 50. Pass around 51. Letters from home in luggage 52. Dog days

30. Coupons good for… One second longer…

31. “Love isn’t something that we have It’s something that we do.” --Clint Black