Ten Things Not to Say to Your Gifted Child!

Based upon the book by the same title: 10 Things NOT to Say to Your Gifted Child: One Family’s Perspective Written by Nancy N. Heilbronner, Ph.D. and her adult children: Jennifer Heilbronner Munoz, Sarah Heilbronner, and Joshua Heilbronner.

Where’s the Instructional Manual? Rapids ahead! Parenting is like canoeing in that much of the technique must be learned from experience. Three “canoeing” principles: 1.Surround your child with unconditional love and a secure environment. 2.Respect the uniqueness that is within each child. 3.Identify and nurture your child’s talents.

You’re So Smart…We Love You! There are pitfalls to equating self-worth with achievement. “I need to keep this up—it’s what I am. I’m smart and talented, and that’s why people love me. If I stop being smart, they probably won’t love me.” Develop a sense of self-efficacy in your child by praising effort not smarts. Dr. Carol Dwek’s research on self-efficacy:

You’re Gifted; This Should Be Easy! In dealing with underachievement in gifted children, understand that there is no one profile. However, there are similar patterns of behavior and it will often will manifest itself in late elementary or middle school. In the K-2 years these children were praised for their advanced abilities. Sometimes feel they cannot keep up this level of performance and will start to avoid the behavior so as not to fail. Confirm the factors for underachievement: Student? Family? School?

If You Don’t Get Your Grades Up, No More Dance Lessons! Motivate your child through selective achievement. The selective achiever is different from the underachiever. The selective achiever needs to be motivated to accomplish something positive and then (eventually) learns that motivation and accomplishment bring their own rewards. Some “pushing” for achievement may be over the top. Do not take away your child’s interests, but be sure to link their interests to effort.

Don’t Be Silly! There’s Nothing to Be Afraid Of! Frequently, gifted children are highly imaginative. Children with vivid imaginations may battle fears: real, but exaggerated, and imagined. Some gifted children possess overexcitabilities, a heightened sensitivity to their surroundings. Additionally, asynchronous development may also contribute to anxiety. Begin by acknowledging the fear. Then help your child reason through the concern.

Do It Because I Said So! It is not uncommon for gifted children to be described as argumentative or willful. Overexcitability and asynchrony can contribute to some gifted children displaying opposition to authority. With younger gifted children offer some limited choices when possible. With older children include in a problem-solution process.

Why Don’t You Make More Friends? How do you choose your friends? By age or by interest? Introvert or extrovert? Where is your child on this continuum? The “golden rule” of socialization: Let your child be the guide. However, ensure your child has one good friend and make sure they are involved in one or two social groups of their choosing.

No More Questions! The insatiable desire to know everything seems to be as vital for many gifted children as the need to breathe. Appropriate search engines are a parent’s friend!

Don’t You Want to Be An Astronaut? Provide career guidance by helping your child recognize their interests and abilities. One of the issues that perplex gifted children as they grapple with their interests and abilities is multipotentiality. Children with this have a keen interest and above-average abilities in many areas. Guide your child: Elementary: Expose to a wide-range of extra-curricular activities and hobbies. Middle School: Provide more structured experiences such as job-shadowing and interviewing someone in a particular career. High School: Expect participation in volunteer opportunities and extracurricular activities before and after school.

Can’t You Color Inside the Lines? Creativity with a big C provides products that change how we see things. Creativity with a little c is the type we use in everyday life. Creativity is about more than the arts. It is also about coming up with many ideas, evaluating those ideas, and problem solving. Expose your child to two essential elements of creativity: Originality: New idea Fluency: Brainstorming by playing the games “What if…” and “Think of all the uses for…”

If It’s Too Hard, Then Quit! Gifted children sometimes lack the motivation to persist in a task. If you have never had to try very hard to achieve anything, the first time that you do have to try, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. All of a sudden, you are not the quickest, brightest, sharpest kid on the street. Emphasize to your child the importance of task mastery (developing skills) instead of task performance (looking good to others; afraid of being punished for not doing). Set and agree upon a milestone before your child may withdraw from an activity. Derek Redmond Finishes the Race:

Resources California Association of the Gifted: National Association for Gifted Children: Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted: Great Potential Press: