Using Concrete & Sensory Detail Mini-lesson

There are different kinds of details? Concrete details refer to anything you can see or touch (car, wind, fan) – and the more specific a concrete detail is, the more helpful it is for a reader to understand what a writer is feeling, thinking, seeing (2013 Audi R8, November wind, industrial fan) –Sensory details (also labeled “imagery”) are a type of concrete detail that appeal to the senses (candy-apple red car, frigid wind, buzzing fan) Abstract details refer to thoughts or ideas (beauty, love, fear)

How does this connect to my narrative essay? Good writing should have a combination of both types of details, but if your goal is to convey a situation to your reader (as in a narrative), you will want to have lots of concrete and sensory details to set the scene. Most people are better at thinking concretely Abstract ideas can be better explained through concrete details (e.g.: She is beautiful) Using concrete details also makes your paper more interesting and more memorable. Because your readers’ minds are not so tied up trying to follow your ideas, they stay awake and have better retention.

Don’t be afraid to use too many details! Remember my A+ paper? Let’s look at one of the paragraphs:

Notice the difference: I climbed on the bus and looked out the window. The sky was getting dark. The rain got worse as we got closer to my house. I saw some lightening out the window. I was so scared. No one else seemed to be bothered by the storm. I suddenly thought: what if I get struck by lightening between the bus and my house? As I climbed the steep steps onto the bus that afternoon, Mr. Miller, the bus driver, flashed his usual, crooked-teeth grin. “Welcome aboard!” he would say to each of us as we passed. I sat in my usual seat and peered out the window. The sky was getting dark. As the bus rolled over the farmland that we passed through to get to my neighborhood, rain began to ping on the aluminum roof of the bus. It quickly grew into a downpour, and it sounded as if we were under attack from the heavens. I spotted the lightening in a far-off field, but still jumped when the crack of thunder exploded – right above us, it seemed. I looked around the bus, tears welling in my eyes. Nervously pulling on my pigtails, I saw that the thunder didn’t really seem to bother anyone else. I was the only first grader on my bus, and the next oldest kid was in the third grade. He didn’t seem phased by the storm. The big kids were still talking boisterously, ignoring what I couldn’t. A serious fear began to grow inside me – and turned into a question – how was I going to get from the bus to my house without the lightening killing me on the way?

How can I get more details into my writing? Force yourself to double the number of words in a particular sentence. Then double them again. Watch!

Original, abstract sentence My daughter is beautiful. 4 words Absolutely true, but “beautiful” is an abstract word and might mean something different to everyone, and definitely isn’t giving anyone a clear picture.

Nope, not my daughter.

Double # 1 My nine-year-old daughter has the best smile. 9 words Explains something about her that I find beautiful – specifies.

Double # 2 My nine-year-old daughter has the best smile – it lights up her whole face – lips, cheeks, and eyes. 19 words More details about the smile

Double #3 My nine-year-old daughter has the best smile – it lights up her whole face – from her lovable grin to her crinkled, freckled nose to her shining blue-grey eyes. If I’m lucky, that smile will signal her deep belly laugh, which bellows as if it were coming out of a person twice her size. 55 words!

Did I convey it?

Your turn You are going to do the same thing I just did in your journal. Choose ONE of the sentences below OR write your own original starter sentence (4-7 words) – The parking lot was icy. – My lawn is covered in leaves. – My Dad’s car is so awesome. – ? Now – double it. Double it again. And again.

Apply Think about this process as you write the draft of your essay. Think about it again when you revise your essay.