A Modern Bible Story

One day God spoke to Noah, and He said, "Noah, in six months I shall make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water. I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet, to start anew, so I am ordering you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the Ark. "All right, Lord," said Noah, as he trembled in fear and fumbled with the blueprints. "Six months," thundered the Lord. "You'd better have that Ark completed, or learn how to swim."

Six months passed. The skies began to fill with dark clouds and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, frowning as he gazed up at the impending weather, and that there was no Ark. A lighting bolt crashed to the ground next to Noah, making him jump. "Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is my Ark?" "Forgive me, Lord!" Noah begged. "I did my best. But there were a few problems. See... first I had to get a building permit for the proposed Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet thirty-seven clauses in the current building code. So I had to hire an engineer redraw the plans."

"Then I got into a big fight with the county over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. And my neighbors filed complaints, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission." "Then I found I couldn't get enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting the forest to save the Spotted Owls. I had to convince the Fish and Wildlife people that I needed the wood to SAVE the owls. But they wouldn't let me catch any owls. So I couldn't get any wood OR owls."

"Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I've got 18 carpenters contracted to go on the boat, plus a union rep, and still no owls." "Then I started gathering up the animals, while waiting for the paperwork on the building, and got sued by six different animal rights groups. Half of them objected to me taking only two of each kind, the rest objected to me taking any at all, and they kept sneaking in at night and letting the ones I had collected free again!"

"Well, just when I got most of the lawsuits dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Then they tried to tell me I couldn't do any construction on the proposed wetlands."

"And now I'm still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many minorities I'm supposed to bring on board, the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of usage tax." "I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years," Noah cried as he fell to his knees in despair.

And the Lord waved his hand, and suddenly the sky began to clear, the sun came out, the drizzle stopped, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up in amazement. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?" he asked, hopefully.

"No need," The Lord shook his head. "The Government already has!"