Pupil Support Worker Conference 2015 Educational Psychology Service DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Loss and Bereavement Lorna McNulty 24 th August 2015 DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

OVERVIEW RulesThe grieving process Ice breakerTips from young people Questions you came withImplications for children Stats – half the storyDiscussion point Factors that influence coping Some initial thoughts What does death mean?Where are we now and resources DiscussionEvaluation DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

RULES Confidentiality - speaking for yourself There are no stupid questions! People can change their minds Keep yourself safe – no one will be made to say anything they don’t want to Other rules?? DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

ICE Breaker Experiencing little losses can help prepare us for big losses. In twos or threes – talk to people about an early experience of loss you had. Teddy, the Hamster, a friend moving away. Explain what happened and how you felt and then think about what people did that helped – or what they did that didn’t help. DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

What questions did you come with today?? Talk to the person sitting next to you – what questions were you hoping would be answered? DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Statistics – half the story DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Coping depends on lots of factors Experience of loss Support systems – ‘significant others’ (you) Age – concept of ‘death’ Circumstances ‘Natural’ or not Gender boys and girls men and women Cultural permission to be sad/angry/scared? Beliefs or not DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Concept of Death Irreversible not just asleep. Around the age of 8 years depending on experiences Adult messages – if you are good … but what happens if something really bad happens??? Inevitable - happens to everyone Have we made our will, arrangements for when we die, discussed organ donation?? Universal - all living things die eventually More abstract concept but depending on experience and maturity can be understood by around the end of primary. DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Discussion What age do you think you will be when you die? How come?? DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

The grieving process Denial – has survival value as it enables us to carry on. Shock and numbing are other qualities of this stage as the situation is hard to ‘take in’. Anger – is an energising emotion and protects us from feeling weak and vulnerable while we struggle with the experience. Guilt and Bargaining – I’ll be good if only … I’ll never/always … Sadness – ‘depression’ is a normal reaction as the full experience of the loss is felt, accompanied by yearning to reconnect with the person who has been ‘lost’ or died. Adjustment – as the impact of this experience is ‘accommodated’. Resolution – the person is remembered as a real person with positive and negative qualities, not vilified or sainted. DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Tips from young people Too many emotions? Share them To take my mind off it - TV, play-station, go outside Watch a good film or TV programme Choose something that belonged to the person who died that you can treasure Listen to music that you like Create your own space as sometimes it can get too much and you can feel there is nowhere else to go It's ok that sometimes you may want to talk about it and other times you may not want to Spend time with friends Spend time with your pets Write about or draw your thoughts, feelings and memories Memory books or boxes can be really helpful Think about all of the good times you had with them DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Implications for children and young people Children go through similar stages in the grieving process to adults They tend to dip in and out of the process. Granny died – can I go and play now. Talking to someone outside of the family can be very helpful, especially when the family is bereaved. When one parent dies the other is emotionally not available either. Grieving always takes longer than we allow it to. Children don’t ‘get over’ bereavement they learn to live with it – significant life events without the significant person re-awakens the loss. Supporting through the distress is needed, taking it away impossible! Listen to what the child is asking rather than what you expect them to ask (or are afraid they will ask) It is OK not to know the answers – ask what they think Most bereavement is resolved without ‘professional’ help DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Discussion point You are told that a 9 year old child you know well has been bereaved – a parent died at the end of last term and they are now coming back to school. What do you think are the most helpful things you can do? There are no perfect answers!! What is the worse thing that can happen? DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Some initial thoughts 1.Let them know you know something of what happened, as simply as possible. It saves them having to tell you!! ‘I was sorry to hear about your Mum.’ Is good enough, they know what you mean. 2.Invite them into a conversation but don’t force the issue – ‘How are things at home now?’ ‘How are you finding school just now?’ 3.Notice how they are but be respectful and propositional – ‘You look a little sad today, How are you feeling?’ Not ‘You are sad.’ They may just be thoughtful. 4.Children may well not want to talk about it at school – things may be intense at home!! Be as ‘normal’ as possible children value being the same as their peers. 5.Listen carefully to what they say – there may be an opening to have a brief conversation or just the fact that they felt heard can be enough for now! 6.Keep to routines sensitively, as much as possible - for security and stability. 7.Answer questions i.e. ‘Do people go to heaven?’ With a question, ‘What do you think?’ it is respectful of family beliefs and traditions. 8.Try to avoid personalising things – I knew your Mum. Or the same thing happened to me when I was your age! DATA LABEL: PUBLIC

Where are we now and resources Resources list – books like Badgers parting gifts or a good story book with loss as a theme can help enable a conversation. You can contact YoungMinds Parents' Helpline for free. You can call or chat to us online – whatever suits you best YoungMinds Parents' Helpline The Marie Curie website has useful information on age related reactions loss/helping-grieving-children-and-teenagers Another website full of resources appropriate for all ages is Grief Encounter A work-book for younger children can be accessed – it takes time to load!! DATA LABEL: PUBLIC