MARRIAGE: State of the UNION

Opening Prayer Taken from: Tobit 8:5-6 Rite of Marriage B, No. 120: Nuptial Blessing In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit Blessed are you, O God of our Fathers; praised be your name forever and ever. Let the heavens and all your creation praise you forever. You made Adam and you gave him his wife Eve to be his help and support; and from these two the human race descended. You said, “It is not good for man to be alone; let us make him a partner like himself.” Father, to reveal the plan of your love, you made the union of husband and wife an image of the covenant between you and your people. In the fulfillment of this sacrament, the marriage of Christian man and woman is a sign of the marriage between Christ and the Church. May all that we do here this evening help us to better understand your plan for marriage and to better fulfill your will for us as individuals and for all your people. May our existing marriages be strengthened, and may those planning for marriage have a fuller understanding of your loving plan for husband and wife as they approach the sacrament. And may we all continue to pray for and promote a better understanding of marriage and family life within our own families and in our society. We ask this in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, your son and our eternal Bridegroom. AMEN In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit AMEN

Before we begin. . . Questions any time Highly personal and possibly controversial topics Discussion encouraged Respect feelings, thoughts and opinions of others; not a debate Goal: present the teachings of the Church and discuss them Non-Judgmental: Not a judgment of or reflection on your own choices, actions, or relationships Happily married 19 years Strong, loving relationship with my husband Our marriage not always in line with these teachings We have changed our views and our relationship has grown stronger based on what we have learned in recent years This is why I am here I have been through a conversion of heart and mind I feel so strongly about this, because I have lived it both ways myself I know this is what the Lord desires for all of us I want to share it with all of you!

What do you think? First, I am going to ask you some questions: Why did you come tonight? What are you hoping to learn or to gain from this presentation? [Jot these down; note any that will not be covered by tonight’s material] Why is it important for all people to understand God’s plan for Marriage and not just those who are married or preparing for marriage? What makes Christian marriage different from marriage in the strictly legal sense? NOTE ON WHITEBOARD (Point out when discussing marriage as a sacrament) What do you think are the biggest threats to marriage in today’s society? NOTE ON WHITEBOARD (Go back to these at the end when discussing Free, Total, Fruitful and Faithful – which of these are violated in these threats)

“The future of humanity passes by way of the family.” - Pope John Paul II Powerful statement If true, what does the “State of the Union” of marriage and families in today’s society say about our future? How we understand Marriage affects how we view and understand so many other things in life. Family relationships Human sexuality and sexual morality Chastity and celibacy Contraception Homosexuality

A vision of eternal life with God Marriage A vision of eternal life with God In simplest terms – this is what the Church, through Scripture and Sacred Tradition has to say about marriage. Let’s explore this tonight. . .

Love and Life in the Divine Plan God has a plan for marriage This divine plan is not something we can change to fit our purposes This divine plan is rooted in Truth, which is eternal and unchanging Christ is the Way, the Truth and the Life. He does not change. Neither does His Truth, or His divine plan. Meaning of marriage according to God’s plan cannot change The Church cannot “get with the times”, “get into the 21st century” – the Church must uphold what God has revealed to us about the nature of marriage. Where do we find this “plan”? Let’s start with the Scriptures. . .

Marriage was instituted by God Begins at Creation (Genesis 2:18-24) Confirmed by Christ himself (Mt 19:3-6) Sacred Scripture ends with the Wedding Feast of the Lamb – the marriage of Christ to His bride, the Church (Revelation 19:7, 9) Genesis 2: 18-24 “The Lord God said: “It is not good for man to be alone. I will make a suitable partner for him.” So the Lord God formed out of the ground various wild animals and various birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to see what he would call them; whatever the man called each of them would be its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, all the birds of the air, and all the wild animals; but none proved to be the suitable partner for the man. So the Lord God cast a deep sleep on the man, and while he was asleep, he took out one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. The Lord God then built up into a woman the rib that he had taken from the man. When he brought her to the man, the man said: “This one at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; This one shall be called ‘woman’ for out of ‘her man’ this one has been taken.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, and the two of them become one body.” Mt 19: 3-6 “ Some Pharisees approached him, and tested him, saying, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any cause whatever?” He said in reply, “Have you not read that from the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female’ and said ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore, what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” Rev 19: 7, 9 “Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory. For the wedding day of the Lamb has come, his bride has made herself ready.” “Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who have been called to the wedding feast of the Lamb.” And he said to me, “These words are true; they come from God.”

Marriage illustrates the covenant relationship between God and His people. Hosea 2:16, 18, 21-22 Ephesians 5:29-32 Revelation 21:2 Hosea 2: 16, 18, 21-22 “So I will allure her, I will lead her into the desert and speak to her heart. . . . On that day, says the Lord, She shall call me “My husband” and never again “My Baal”. . . . “I will espouse you to me forever: I will espouse you in right and in justice, in love and in mercy; I will espouse you in fidelity, and you shall know the Lord.” Ephesians 5: 29-32 “For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.” Revelation 21:2 “I also saw the holy city, a new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.”

Marriage is a Covenant Unconditional promise Like our promise to Christ as Christians This kind of promise cannot be based on mere feelings “In marriage you make an unconditional promise, not knowing where the promise will lead, what the promise will entail. The unconditional promise is the essence of Christian Marriage.” (Catholic Update 0979) Not a 50/50 relationship – he does X, so she will do Y. Both must be prepared to give 100% of themselves to the other. Both parties must have this in mind and in heart. “Who can make such a promise? Only those people who were crazy enough to make another unconditional promise – to commit themselves to Jesus Christ in faith, again not knowing what faith will demand or where faith will lead. For in their relationship with each other, they are likewise daring to trust in the power of Christ’s love shared in and through the Christian Community.” (Catholic Update 0979) Married love is a decision, a total self-gift, and a commitment.

Marriage Requires a Covenant Love Not simply a feeling (a passion) Married love is a decision Married love is a total self-gift and a commitment “To love is to will the good of another” - St. Thomas Aquinas Married love is more than a romantic feeling "Real love is demanding. I would fail in my mission if I did not tell you so. Love demands a personal commitment to the will of God." Pope John Paul II Married love is more than sexual attraction or sexual compatibility Modern society and culture gets into shaky territory: Dating practices “Hooking up” - Premarital sex (even sensuality and sexually-oriented activity) Many couples rely too much on the “feelings” generated by this type of romantic and sexual relationship When the feelings do not last, neither does the marriage. A husband and wife should love each other with the same covenant love that God loves the Church –Unconditional - not 50/50

Marriage is a Reflection of the Life of the Trinity God is three persons – Father, Son, and Spirit The Trinity is the ultimate communion of persons We are created in the image & likeness of God Intellect Free Will Created for communion with each other God in his very essence is a community We do not see the image and likeness of God so much in us as individuals as we do in Marriage : prime example of an intimate communion of persons CCC 2205: “the Christian family is a communion of persons, a sign and image of the communion of the Father, and the Son, in the Holy Spirit” CCC 221: “God has revealed his innermost secret: God himself is an eternal exchange of love, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and he has destined us to share in that exchange”

Marriage is a Liturgical Act Who is the minister of the Sacrament of Matrimony? The spouses confer the sacrament on each other.

Marriage is a Liturgical Act What is the role of the Priest or Deacon in celebrating the Sacrament of Marriage? Acts as official witness of the Church Calls forth the consent from the spouses

Elements of the Sacrament of Marriage Free consent of spouses is a critical element – vows are their public consent Rings are a visible sign of the covenant Two witnesses, plus the congregation participate in the liturgy with the couple The conjugal act consummates the marriage Every sacrament is a visible sign of an invisible reality. In Marriage Vows and rings are visible signs of the love between the spouses Love between spouses should mirror God’s love for the Church Grace flows from Christ to aid them in this life of love. In the Sacrament of Matrimony, spouses make their commitment “visible” to God and to the witnesses and community who are gathered with them. In the sexual act, the spouses communicate with their bodies what they have publicly expressed in their vows

The Language of the Body The body is a “sacrament” of the person What we do with our body is an expression of our whole person In marriage, we should express with our body what we have expressed in our vows Sacrament = Visible sign of an invisible reality Get a volunteer to stand up What is your name? Wouldn’t everyone agree that there is more to <name> than what you can see? The body is the part of the person we can see – there is much more to that person that we can’t see What we do with our bodies expresses something about our inner person and our beliefs Our physical (sexual) relationship in marriage should express what we say in our vows

Effects of the Sacrament of Marriage Gift of the bond between the spouses Grace as an effect of the sacrament Perfects love between spouses Aids spouses in welcoming and caring for children Aids spouses in times of difficulty Aids spouses in bearing fruit within the larger community Bond of marriage – more than just an agreement between two people who have special feelings for each other. We need God’s grace to make the commitment of love that marriage requires. - To mirror the love of God for the Church - cannot do this alone. - To be like God, we need God’s help, God’s grace – his life within us. Think of the vows – in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, as long as we both shall live. . . Seems overwhelming without God’s help. I think that’s why so many marriages don’t last these days. We’ve left God out of them. To be loving parents to our children, we need God’s help, God’s life within us. Anyone who has children knows this. As a parent, I need all the help I can get! We need God’s grace to get through the difficult times – like an illness, the death of a family member, infertility, loss of job or financial hardships. This is the stuff that marriages are broken by . . . But for the grace of God. God’s grace within the marriage allows both spouses to bear much fruit beyond the home in the larger community. (mutual support for each other in the chosen ministries – e.g. Dennis’s support of me in RCIA and Familia. My support for him in CRHP)

Grace of the Sacrament of Marriage is Continuously Renewed Properly understood, the sexual act is both the consummation and the renewal of the self-giving love of the wedding vows Wedding vows are just the beginning Sacrament of Marriage is lifelong The spouses give themselves to each other in words at the marriage liturgy Sacrament is completed in their total gift of self when they physically give themselves to each other completely in the sexual act. Spouses pledge on wedding day to love, honor, and cherish each other Full knowledge that neither of them will remain stagnant Spouses, as individuals, will change and grow Therefore the marriage relationship must change and grow Married love must change and grow. “Marriage, as a Christian Sacrament, is a lifelong and faithful union of a man and a woman mutually committed to sharing their life and love together.” (CU 0979)

The Purpose of Marriage Purpose is two-fold: Unitive (Love) Procreative (Life) These cannot be separated Unitive: Good of the couple Procreative: Generation and education of children Put more simply: Bonding and Babies

Love The grace of the sacrament of marriage “is intended to perfect the couple’s love. . .” CCC 1641 Using this grace they “help one another to attain holiness. . .” CCC 1641 Spouses should lead each other to heaven Back to St. Thomas Aquinas – “To love is to will the good of another” If I truly love my spouse, I want what is good for him / her. What is the supreme good that I could want for him / her? HEAVEN! Eternal life with God! By definition, to be holy is to be “like God” The path to Heaven is paved in holiness The more we attain holiness, the closer we are to attaining HEAVEN

Life Married love should bear fruit Love expands outward Family is the Domestic Church Marriages without children can and should bear fruit in the community - “the human family” “Christian married love is necessarily directed outside itself toward others. Married couples live not only for personal growth, not only for mutual growth, but for something which is greater than themselves. Raising children is the usual and natural expression of fruitfulness in marriage.” (CU 0979) (But not the only one) The Church begins in the family where moral, spiritual and faith life is passed on from the parents to the children Marriages w/o children at home can and do bear fruit: Before couples have children in the early days of marriage (young couples involved with parish and community ministry – e.g. young adults who coach sports) After a couple’s children are grown (empty nesters bearing fruit through their service to parish & community as well as their continued support of children and grandchildren e.g. school volunteers, STP, RCIA sponsors) Couples who are unable to have children bear fruit through adoption or in other ways in the Church and community (two couples in our parish who have no children, but volunteer their time and talents in many ways in the parish)

Protecting the Purposes of Marriage: Indissolubility Mutual Fidelity Indissolubility: permanence of the marriage bond; it’s forever; “what God has joined together, no human being must separate.” Mutual fidelity: not only, but especially conjugal or sexual fidelity (other ways to be unfaithful – will discuss later) Protects the unity and fruitfulness of the marriage and the good of the children that are the fruits (when a marriage is not forever or when there is infidelity, the children always suffer greatly)

Free, Total, Fruitful, Faithful Four essential elements of married love This is another way to understand married love, which can be very helpful in understanding the challenges to marriage and married love (that will be covered in subsequent sessions) I will talk about each of these in terms of human marriage between a spouses and show where it applies to the marriage of Christ to His Bride, the Church.

Free Husband and wife freely choose to give themselves to each other in marriage Not under any constraint (physical, emotional, psychological, etc.); no duress Not impeded by any natural or ecclesiastical law (examples) Not already married to another person Not closely related (by law one cannot marry a sibling, cousin, etc.) Not restrained by religious vow e.g. Holy Orders HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE MARRIAGE OF CHRIST TO THE CHURCH? Christ freely chose to die for us, for his Bride, the Church “I lay down my life in order to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down on my own.” (Jn 10: 17-18)

Husband and Wife make of themselves a total, mutual self-gift Physically as well as spiritually, emotionally. “The two shall become one flesh” (Mt 19:5) I give myself completely to my spouse and we become one Nothing withheld (Think of the vows: in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad…) HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE MARRIAGE OF CHRIST TO THE CHURCH? The sacrifices of the spouses for each other reflect Christ’s sacrifice for us on the cross – the ultimate total self-gift – which we experience in the Body of Christ in the Eucharist. “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends (Jn 15:13)

Faithful Unity of the spouses, mutual gift of self, and the good of the children demand complete faithfulness Conjugal (sexual) fidelity is primary, but is not the only source of faithfulness (there are many forms of infidelity – e.g. pornography, alcohol, material wealth, etc) HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE MARRIAGE OF CHRIST TO THE CHURCH? The faithfulness between spouses should be a reflection of the faithfulness of God to His covenant and Christ to His Church “I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Advocate to be with you always. . . I will not leave you orphans” (John 14:16, 18a) Christ remains faithful to us & does not leave us.

Marriage must always be open to the gift of life Fruitful Marriage must always be open to the gift of life Children are the supreme gift and the crowning glory of married love Even if the couple is not blessed with the gift of children, the marriage should bear fruit in other ways (we discussed some examples earlier) HOW DOES THIS RELATE TO THE MARRIAGE OF CHRIST TO THE CHURCH? Christ’s relationship with us should bear fruit: “Remain in me, as I remain in you. Just as a branch cannot bear fruit on its own unless it remains on the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in me.” (Jn 15:4)

Keeping Marriage Christ-Centered Follow the “roadmap” for marriage provided by Christ and His Church Frequent reception of Holy Communion and Reconciliation (go to Mass and reconciliation as a couple) Pray together daily God has provided us with guidelines to help us in marriage. Learn them and use them: Be fruitful and multiply (Genesis) Sixth Commandment (Exodus) The two shall become one flesh. . . what God has joined together, no human being must separate (Matthew) CCC, Humanae Vitae, Familiaris Consortio, Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, Theology of the Body, etc. (Magisterium of the Church), Many more! We receive graces from our marriage; also need the grace of the other sacraments. We NEED God in our lives and our marriage. Attend Mass together and receive the Eucharist Make use of the Sacrament of Reconciliation – keep each other “honest” ; challenge each other to go regularly Keep renewing your vows to keep receiving the graces of marriage Prayer as a couple keeps Christ in the center of the marriage. Note available handout on couple prayer. Feel free to take one for someone else you know!

Recommended Resources on Marriage and Related Topics See handout and examples to “leaf through” on table Feel free to call me for further discussion or recommendations or to find out where to get these items

Upcoming Sessions Chastity Isn’t Just for Teens: How Singles, Married Couples, Priests and Religious are Called to Authentic Lives of Love (Feb 2011) Life-Giving Love: Understanding What the Church says about Contraception (May 2011) Homosexuality & Hope: The Church’s Care for Homosexual Persons (Sept 2011) Divorce & Annulment: What’s the Difference and Why Does it Matter? (Nov 2011) Love & Money: A Catholic Perspective on Family Finances (Feb 2012) Watch for information in the Adult Faith Formation Corner of the Bulletin, flyers in the bulletin and on the parish website and in the school edline newsletter.

Discussion and Questions Open up for questions Look back at notes from opening discussion – how did the presentation answer any of these questions / needs?

Closing Song When Love is Found #346

Food for Thought / Discussion What did I learn tonight about marriage that I didn’t know? How can I apply tonight’s lesson to something in my own life (my marriage, my marriage preparation, or the understanding of someone else’s situation) For married people: Are my spouse and I living our marriage according to God’s plan? If not, what might we change? How will I view my marriage differently or treat my spouse differently as a result of what I learned? Those preparing for marriage: Is there anything from tonight’s presentation that I had not yet considered in approaching my marriage? Is there anything I can or should change about my life now to better prepare myself for the marriage covenant? Leave displayed on screen Invite everyone to stay and enjoy refreshments and ask questions or discuss or just socialize