Sibling Rivalry, Relationships & Birth Order

SIBLING RELATIONSHIPS What are siblings? Brothers and Sisters (Includes Step and Half) How can a sibling relationship be a positive part of a family? Role models Supporters Members of a “coalition” for dealing with parents :) Coalition: a temporary union between two opposing teams

SIBLING ROLES Playmates and Companions Teachers and Learners Protectors and dependants Adversaries Role Models

SIBLING RIVALRY What is Sibling Rivalry? Competition among children of the same family for their parents’ affections or for dominance is called sibling rivalry. It is extremely common, and it sometimes persists into adult life. Question: What are some typical things brothers and sisters have problems with or argue about?

Younger children typically copy and try to excel in areas in which older children have previously succeeded. One or both parents sometimes single out one child as the “best” and another as the “black sheep.” Rivalry may continue into adulthood when siblings compete often over various things.

Next to the parent-child relationship, the sibling relationship is probably the strongest, and is the longest!! They have deep sharing of emotions. Teaching and socializing is often the role of an older brother or sister. The older sibling is not only a teacher, but caretaker and companion.

BIRTH ORDER The order in which children are born in to a family has an influence on the development of the children. The stages in the family life cycle are based on the age of the oldest child because everything the firstborn does is new to the parents.

Things to Remember About Birth Order: There are exceptions in every trait Focus on positive traits of each birth order Become aware of uniqueness Use the information to understand yourselves and others Do not use traits as labels or stereotypes

BIRTH ORDER QUIZ

Category A: Manipulative, charming, usually gets his/her way, blames others for things that happen, witty, a show-off, loves people, good salesperson, draws favorable attention

Category B: Perfectionist, reliable, makes lists, conscientious, well-organized, serious, critical, does well in school, usually neat and tidy.

Category C: Acts as a go-between in family conflicts, has the fewest pictures in the family photo album, avoids conflict, extremely loyal to peer group (gets mad if parents criticize friends, etc.), has many friends, seems to do things differently than the rest of the family, indepedent

Category A: Manipulative, charming, usually gets his/her way, blames others for things that happen, witty, a show-off, loves people, good salesperson, draws favorable attention Youngest Child

Category B: Perfectionist, reliable, makes lists, conscientious, well-organized, serious, critical, does well in school, usually neat and tidy. Oldest Child

Category C: Acts as a go-between in family conflicts, has the fewest pictures in the family photo album, avoids conflict, extremely loyal to peer group (gets mad if parents criticize friends, etc.), has many friends, seems to do things differently than the rest of the family, independent Middle Child

The Oldest Child Is: Usually set up as an example to the other children. Treated more like an adult by his/her parents. A high achiever Given and accepts more responsibility than the other children Usually college bound Independent Affectionate

The Middle Child: May work extra-hard to get recognition Is usually a peace maker Is somewhat average in schoolwork, but is an all-around good student Is usually a calm, even-tempered adult

The Youngest Child: Gets a lot of attention, along with a lot of bossing May be spoiled Usually matures quickly May be undisciplined and irresponsible Is easy-going about school Likes to associate with someone who takes charge of situations

MARRIAGE IN RELATION TO BIRTH ORDER Oldest and Youngest – the youngest is use to being taken care of and the oldest likes taking care of others. Two Youngest - will have lots of fun together, but may resent each other later because no one is taking care of each other. Two Oldest – admire and respect each other because of the traits they possess. However later on they may have problems trying to agree on things.

Family Portrait Assignment Draw a picture of your family. Please be creative and try to give me more than just stick figures. After drawing the picture, list the qualities, traits, etc. that you feel you have because of your place in the family.

How to Relate to Your Parents

How well do you get along with your parents How well do you get along with your parents? Do you ever wish you could relate to them better? The following tips will help you to positively influence them to have a better relationship with you.

1. Encourage your parents through good behavior. Show them how much you are growing up in the way you behave: What you do at school /grades How truthful you are How polite you are to others How well you do your chores (without being asked!) How you handle money How you show appreciation (Please, Thank You, I Love You) The way you take care of your possessions

2. Be considerate of Mom and Dad! Don’t just expect things to be given to you. Remember, they are the ones “bringing home the bacon” for you. Ask nicely and be prepared if they say “no.” If they do say “No,” do not resort to child-like communication! It will only cause them to react in a parent-like way. Don’t be demanding! Let them listen to what they want on the radio or watch on TV once in awhile.

3. Tell them “Thank You” at least once a day. Thanks for what? Providing for me (food, shelter, school supplies, entertainment, spending money, support, protection, cell phone, etc.) When you tell your parents “thanks”, and really mean it, your life will become easier. Everyone likes to be thanked. Don’t take your parents for granted. Circumstances in life can change overnight.

Never assume that your parents “owe” you a living simply because they brought you into this world. They do owe you love, guidance, direction, instruction, time and protection, but they do not owe you a living. You are the one responsible, as a young person, to learn how to make do with what you have-to appreciate what you have been given and make the most of it.

4. Do something special for your parents. The key is to do something for your parents BEFORE they ask. Suggestions: clean your room, help clean the house, wash the dishes, fix dinner, offer the baby-sit younger siblings, etc. When you do something unexpected, you are telling them by your actions that you respect and love them. They will then show you more respect and be willing to give you more privileges.

5. Apologize when you’ve done something wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. It is part of being human. Don’t be afraid to tell your parents that you’re sorry when you have done something wrong. It is a sure sign of a responsible adult to admit when you are wrong. If you are sincere when you apologize, they will be more apt to treat you like an adult. They will also have more respect for you.

6. Don’t do anything that could betray the trust of your parents or cause them to question your honesty. This is the most important thing you can do if you really want to positively influence your parents! The more trust your parents have in you, the more freedom you will have! It is VERY difficult to repair that trust once it is broken because of poor choices or behavior.

7. Don’t judge your parents. Remember, everyone makes mistakes, even parents! Whenever you see some of your parents’ faults, remember that no one is perfect. It is difficult being a parent! Try to imagine yourself in their shoes. Would you really want all of the responsibility that a parent has to deal with?

8. Ask your parents for advice. Ask your parents for advice about things that are important to you. Believe it or not, they WANT you to turn to them for help. Remember, your parents were teenagers once too! They have been where you are and they have a lot of good, solid advice that they can share with you. This is also a great way to develop a deeper and more sensitive relationship with your parents.

9. Talk to your parents! As hard as you think it might be to do, it is a great way to strengthen your relationship. Try talking to your parents like you talk to your friends. Your parents WANT you to share experiences, talk about your problems and ask for advice.

10. Spend time with your parents. Spending time with your parents also strengthens your relationship. Try to plan one night a week where you “hang-out” with your family. (Play games or watch movies together, etc.) Individual time with your parents is also very important to develop a greater relationship with them. Remember, quality time is more important than quantity time.