During Circle Work One Person speaks at a time Right to Pass No Put-downs

Silent Statements

Being Restorative at School What does harm mean? Hurt feelings Hurt body Upset feeling threatened Feeling unsafe Broken things stealing

Talk about a time you were harmed by someone else (accidentally or on purpose): Talk about a time you harmed somebody else (accidentally or on purpose)? What did you need? Pair Share Partner Work

Be able to do something to fix my mistake To have a chance to tell my side and let people know I am not happy To feel brave enough to talk about it to someone – even those who harmed me To feel strong again after being hurt – to feel like I can stick up for myself To forgive others and tell them it’s OK as long as they don’t do it again and be friends To be forgiven – someone to give me a hug and tell me I’m OK To be able to be friends again after I fix it Not to lose friends – be left out A chance to say sorry and to mean it To have other people know how I was harmed For people not to think I’m a bad person Change places…

When we know we have done the wrong thing and harmed someone

We get a feeling of YUK that we feel all over us – especially in our belly YUK Double YUK

We can’t think for a second….

When our brain starts working again we remember other times when we mucked up – when we felt just as bad about ourselves as we do now.

Bill’s stuff-ups memory collection ←A-D E-H → Stuff-up memories to be shelved BILL’S MEMORY

We might think that we are a bad person – we might think that everybody hates us!

All of these thoughts and feelings happen really quickly – in a few seconds

There’s a name for this YUK feeling: SHAME Hey - It’s not all bad Hey - It’s not all bad - Shame is an important feeling because it lets us know that we’ve upset others and we might have some fixing to do.

But the tricky thing about SHAME Is that it feels bad and when we feel it we want it to go away quickly

WITHDRAWAL ATTACKSELF AVOIDANCE ATTACKOTHERS The Compass of Shame When we know we have done the wrong thing and feel SHAME – we can... I’m going to admit I did the wrong thing and fix it up with those I’ve harmed Oh man…how do I get out of this? I can’t deal with it.

The compass of shame WITHDRAWAL ATTACK SELF AVOIDANCE ATTACKOTHERS Does NOT like himself

Hey, you’ve mucked up - take responsibility and fix whoever (or whatever) you have harmed! oh and by the way…see if you can learn something from this! Oh man…how do I get out of this? I can’t deal with it. Does NOT like himself

Withdrawal I’m a bad person so I have to run and hide from everyone so they don’t hate me more. I just want to be somewhere nobody can see me. Attack Self I am a bad person so I have to be mean to myself and let others be mean to me so I can still have friends. I don’t think I’m any good so I don’t deserve to have others be kind to me. Avoidance I feel so bad about myself I have to act like I’m somebody else so nobody can see the real me. I might try to act tough - like I don’t care, be silly or show off to try to make other people think I am different from who I really am. Or I might brag about something I’m good at – because I think the real me is no good Attack Other I feel so bad about myself that making someone else feel bad will help me feel better (blaming or hurting). If I can make somebody else feel worse than I do, maybe I’ll feel a bit better about myself – a bit stronger Things we say to ourselves when on the Compass of Shame

The truth about people… Nobody who feels OK with themselves ever has to tease, put down or hurt others. People who try to tease, bully or hurt on purpose have shame hurting them from the inside. something they can’t gladiator with that has put them on the compass of shame.

what’s your style when you’re in trouble and feeling ashamed of yourself? RJ ? be alonerun away hide say “I hate myself”Put yourself down Get yourself into trouble for something else Let others put you down Show off Get loud Brag about yourself Act toughBlame someone else Get angryTease or bully someone Say ‘I don’t care’Act weird

WITHDRAWALATTACKSELF AVOIDANCE ATTACKOTHERS OK.....What I did wasn’t good – people are upset with me – Heck......I’m upset with me! I can deal with these yucky feelings without running and hiding, being mean to myself, trying to be something I’m not or giving someone else a hard time I still have friends and people who love me I still think I’m OK Even though I feel like the worst person in the world right now.....everyone makes mistakes I will have to do something to fix this up – it won’t be easy because people are upset with what I did but I will make it right Keeping ourselves off the compass

Is the best way to get rid of shame when we have caused harm Tomorrow your teachers start learning how help you with this

RJ Restorative Questions for people who have caused harm (accidentally or on purpose) What happened – what was your part in it? What were you thinking /feeling when you did / said that? What do you think about what you did / said now that we’re having a talk about it? Who do you think has been affected by what you did? How were they affected? How were you affected? What needs to happen to try to fix this or make it better that it is now? If this happens again, what might you do next time?

RJ Restorative Questions for people who have been harmed by what someone What did you think / feel when it happened? How have you been affected by this? Who else has been affected? What’s been the worst thing about it? What needs to happen to try to fix this or make it better that it is now?

Blaming Questions What rules have been broken? How can we keep everyone away from each other? Who did the wrong thing / broke the rules? What punishment do they deserve?WITHDRAWALATTACKSELF AVOIDANCE ATTACKOTHERS OUCH!

So... Some questions for you guys – A quiz!