Pathfinder Raising Responsible Children Created by James J. Messina, Ph.D.

Pathfinder P Principles A Activating T Tracking H Hugging F Formulating I Intervening N Negotiating D Discussing E Establishing R Releasing

Parenting Principles A T H F I N D E R

Pathfinders Foundational Principle TEA System Based Principles Thoughts - must get rational Emotions - must feel more rational Actions - take Actions only after Thoughts and Emotions are rational and in synch

Parenting Principles I Healthy priorities Let go of fantasies Unique individuals Autonomy No triangulation Win win solutions Parents are leaders Healthy boundaries No entitlement Mutual respect No overprotection Empathize Have fun Be creative Curb temper Describe negative behaviors not kids

Parenting Principles II Catch child being good Ignore negatives Listen to behaviors Communicate Feelings are choice Dont force lies Let kids be kids Give kids choices Use consequences Be consistent Follow through Be assertive Avoid cloning Let go of guilt Forgive yourself no overcompensating

Parenting Principles III Use detachment Love unconditionally Healthy sexuality no stereotyping Leadership potential Healthy lifestyle Promote spirituality Promote world view Career mindedness Adapt for specialKidz No perfectionism Be authentic No family secrets Admit mistakes Seek out help Advocate for kids

P Activating Self-Esteem T H F I N D E R

Activating Self-Esteem Developmental focus over kids lifetime Encourage personal responsibility taking Promote productive lifestyles Unconditional love and acceptance Life skills training and building Respect as individuals Encourage self-direction

P A Tracking Structures H F I N D E R

Tracking Structures Self-care Environment Chores Electronics Family phone Time management Finances Recreation Academics Outside relationships Family relationships Family meetings

P A T Hugging for Bonding F I N D E R

Hugging for Bonding Build sense of security Give sense of being wanted Establish healthy self-worth Use physical touch and hugs Use verbal touches and hugs Transmit unconditional love Create emotional connectedness

P A T H Formulating Consequences I N D E R

Formulating Consequences Natural consequences are best Logical consequences next best Thinking persons method of discipline Enforce the consequences with no screaming, yelling, ranting or raving Get them recognized, agreed to, contracted, outlined and recorded Then remind and enforce them

P A T H F Intervening in Kids Losses N D E R

Intervene in Kids Losses Coping with divorce Coping with step parents & families Death of parent, sibling or close relative Surviving physical/sexual abuse Parent/sibling with substance abuse Coping with disability in self or sibling Coping with disasters or failures

P A T H F I Negotiating and Advocating for Kids D E R

Negotiating & Advocating Linkage, Brokering, Mobilization, Activating with: teachers and school officials coaches and activity leaders community officials members of extended family non-supportive, non-pathfinder parent

P A T H F I N Discussing and Communicating E R

Discussing & Communicating I Focus on feelings Dont be parallel listener Dont jump to assumptions Dont compete as to who knows more Listen effectively Respond with understanding Use I statements not You statements

Discussing & Communicating II Clarify what child is saying Do not belittle or make fun of child Do not put words in childs mouth Make time for discussions with child Maintain sense of humor with child Describe behaviors not the child as being unacceptable

Discussing & Communicating III Stay focused on the here and now Control temper in discussions Use open ended questions Do not use door closer statements Be rational in all discussions Do not make comparisons to other kids Help point out when childs actions are not consistent with childs words

P A T H F I N D Establishing Healthy Boundaries R

Establishing Healthy Boundaries I Maintain healthy intimacy Do not get emotionally hooked Release anger in healthy ways Respect each others personal rights Establish clear, mutually agreed upon, and recorded limits and boundaries Enforce the boundaries

Establishing Healthy Boundaries II Maintain individual identity No scarcity principle Get rid of guilt Know difference between love and sympathy Ignore helplessness & neediness of kids Get rid of need to be needed Dont wait for time to make it better Dont personalize childs problems Let go of fear of negative outcomes No idealism or fantasy thinking

Establishing Healthy Boundaries III Put limits on time focused solely on kids Put limits on money spent only on kids Put limits on use of external resources used only on kids Put limits on use of internal resources used only on kids Put limits on emotions spent only on kids

P A T H F I N D E Releasing Shame and Guilt

Releasing Shame & Guilt Let go of anger in healthy ways Let go of need to control, fix & change Let go of guilt for not being perfect Let go of shame for past failings Self forgiveness for mistakes you have made with kids

Children Learn What They Live If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel shy If a child lives with shame he learns to feel guilty

If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.